everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok

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Soon2BAPrice Posts : 50 Registered: 4/7/09
everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 5:20 AM

to just let her slip into the background? i ask, because i've had issue after issue, pity party after pity party, with my matron of honor. it started when we were pregnant over a year ago. no wait, when I was pregnant. hell, it goes back farther than that, when fh and i were looking for a house. anyways, it's always been a contest. as soon as fh and i start to discuss doing something, she's quick to follow suit, to the extent of them jumping into a money pit when we were looking at houses, to her intentionally getting pregnant shortly after i accidentally got pregnant(she quit her birthcontrol, about a month after i found out i was pregnant, even though the whole time she and her fh were saying they couldn't afford another child)...then we announced our engagement, and by this time, i more or less quit talking to her. i didn't want anything to do with her, and this was over a year ago, around july i'd say. we ann'd our engagement in march, and of course her fiance(now husband) is my fh's best friend. they have been bff's for 12 years now. of course, that meant my fiance wanted her fiance to be his best man. of course he would be, i'm pretty "tight" with him myself(he into'd me to fh). but we didn't want her around. not only did we not approve of the relationship(for a vast array of reasons, which are still going on), we couldn't stand her. so while i was texting him to go look for a dress with me(at that time, i had no real friends here. i only found out my MS/HS girlfriend lives here, back in april). apparently she grabbed his phone, and was acting like him. i figured it out and called, and somehow was more or less guilted into being bff's with her again. i knew it pained her fiance if we didn't talk to her, because her controlling ways would keep my fh from going over there, and she never lets him out of the house anyway.

(ok, white space lol). well, i got guilted into her being a bridesmaid, b/c apparently despite my blatant dislike for her, she remembered a time when she and i were semi-friends, that she wanted me to be in her wedding, and vice versa. i really don't remember that, but whatever. so the competitive thing started all over again. her fiance had been laid off for 6 months, they were struggling to pay bills, but 6 weeks(yes, i'm serious) after she knew we were getting married, they were all of a sudden getting married. and she went into so much debt doing it, she put her home on half payments, and is being foreclosed on in 10 days. i got tired of everything, during planning her wedding. i did everything i was supposed to do, and i really enjoyed it. even though, now when i look at it, everything i had to do for her wedding, would have paid for mine, when you count in all the stuff fh had to do. my son just turned 1 last week, so for the last month, i've been finding mommy groups, or hanging out with other girls, and it annoys her, because i won't take my son to her house, where we sit around, and i have to stick my son in a walker, because he doesn't understand that her son (only 2 months younger) is too "fragile" as she puts it, for him to play with(at all!). now, all i get are texts that i'd get from an ex: "i miss you" "why won't you call me" "i'm sorry i upset you" "this really sucks about the house, but no one listens to me"....well, i told her when she said she was putting her house on half payments, that a)she didn't need to have a big wedding, knowing they only had 1 income, and more going out than coming in and b)they didn't have to get married right then...i havent' talked to her in a week, because i'm tired with the poor me attitude. i really do feel bad that they are losing their house, i really do. but at the same time, it's not by some magical financial downfall. she caused this on her own, but wants everyone to feel sorry for her. we've got 5 months to our wedding, and she's vocally all about being a bridesmaid. when my maid of honor, and my hs girlfriend who is a bridesmaid, both told me they wanted a bachelor party, she got upset, saying i obviously didn't need her anymore b/c i don't come to her house, and if they're doing the party, then they don't need her. it doesn't help that everytime they tried to facebook her about the party, or tried to add her as a friend, that she denied, or didn't reply. they're tired of trying, and i understand...she's more or less fading into the background herself. but i know i have to actually tell her that i don't want her in my wedding party. the thing is, because i'm not a person who is willing to pacify someone over their own intentional screw up, i know if she starts with the poor me thing, i'm going to end up throwing in the towel. my fiance is really annoyed with this as well, because apparently she tried to drag him into this, when he called looking for her husband(they got married in august, 2 months before we were supposed to. then we changed our date). she rambled to him, about how i'm always busy, or always working, or how i'm always shopping or going places with our son or with someone else. she more or less gave him the impression i was "so busy" that maybe i was lying about it all. so that just made him angry at her, even more than he already was. so he just told her it wasn't his fault that i found ways to occupy my time than sitting on my a**, and maybe she should do the same. and that maybe if she pulled her head out of her a** long enough to realize the world doesn't revolve in her backyard, i'd talk to her more. she even got mad at me because i held my sons birthday party at a pizza place, rather than her house! and come to find out, after i moved his party, she'd been planning a garage sale for the same day, for over a month! how was that going to work?

anyways, i'm sorry for babbling. fh usually understands, but he just made a few mental connections since talking to her husband, and i know if i say one more thing about her, there's a good chance he's going to end up ruling the conversation. not that i'd mind, it's not like i like her, or even want to be around her. but i am grown and don't need a bulldog to fight my fights lol. not just that, i surely don't want there to be conflict in his friendship with her husband...idk what to do anymore. now that it has sunk in to her husband, what's going on, and WHY they're losing their house(she just found out, there is a 5k ballon payment. we found out she's known about it, but told him, she JUST found out about it!), he keeps making comments about rooming with our son, now that we've bought a house...i just dont' want to be around her. i can be a broody person, but i'm more optimistic usually, and i just can't stand this! i didn't want her in the wedding to begin with. she won't try on dresses, saying she'll buy one at tax time(which for her, and all her paper work, she won't even get her tax back in time to buy off the rack, much less order), she's "alienating" the rest of the bridal party, b/c they don't have money like her family/friends do(they're planning a bar hop thing, so that we and the guys can go together). it's OUR wedding ,but nothings good enough for HER...

what do i do? do i let her keep fading into the background, and gently tell her that i realize she has too much going on and that i understand? you know, make it like it's her choice? because every time i even just talk about the wedding, like what me and fh are doing, she automatically falls into her "we're losing the house, and we're moving" routine...now that fh and i know she more or less "scammed" her husband, we're not falling for it anymore. and i don't want to bite her head off, but it's really coming down to it. ok i'm really sorry. i guess i just needed to vent...i'm sure alot of this sounds like i'm totally out of line, and i'm sure it's absolutely horrible that i'd even think to be upset with her about any of this.

***I"m Gonna Be A Price!!***

March 20, 2010...God Willing!...

Pricex4, Plus 1 More!!!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 10:33 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2BAPrice

Dear Mrs P,

You lost me after the first mega-paragraph.

Could you try again, but cut to the chase?

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Soon2BAPrice Posts : 50 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

lol i'm sorry...i think i was venting at the same time!

to break it down "barney style" as my guy friends would say:
i don't like her. i quit talking to her, when a few things happened about a year ago, and it "made sense" to quit talking to her(as in, i didn't have to make something up, crap was already hitting the fan, you know). my fiance absolutely hates her. everything is a competition, and she's the kind of person who thinks she has this or that, she's better than you. ever since her wedding in august, when i hit my 7 month mark, and we figured it was time to start getting down to brass tacks, she's been completely unavailable, unless i want to go sit at her house, and only that. she's too busy to dress shop, or when it's convenient for her, i'm at work. she only wants to talk about everything wrong in her life, or how this, or how that. she's upset that my actual maid of honor(my bff for 4 years), and my bm(a friend i've had since elementary school), have started talking about a bachelorette party without her, yet come to light, every time they try to "friend" her on myspace(where she has it set non-friends cannot message her), or message her on facebook, she denies the add, or doesn't reply to the message. but then she whined to me that i don't need her anymore. well, i don't have the heart to tell her no i don't need her. i don't have the heart to tell her i didn't want her involved in the beginning. until a couple hours ago, i hadn't heard from her in a week. and the only reason she called, is it says on my myspace status, that we bought a house. so she calls to ask why she didn't know, why i didn't tell her, why fh didn't tell her. when i told her we were having a church ceremony, and doing a garden style reception in our backyard, she got all haughty, saying that was stupid, and maybe we should put off buying a house, so we can have a wedding, and how no one was going to want to spend in evening in our backyard. so i just flipped at her, and told her she could do what she wanted to, if she didn't want to be there that i understood with all her issues going on.

now, i'm hoping she'll keep fading out, which she's doing, and then i can be nice and quiet and tell her that i understand that she can't be in the wedding. which she's hinted to more or less anyways. she also got upset, when during that whole month i kept trying to make appts to view dresses for her, and she wouldn't even call or show up, or she'd have an excuse the night before. so when i told her today the other girls had already chosen, and put down deposits, she got angry and started whining about how she didn't even get a choice. oh well, i think i just give up. fh doesn't want her in the wedding, i don't want her in the wedding, but we know if her husband is to be best man, she's going to throw a hissy fit if he's in and she's not...

see, i made it to long again. idk why i can't seem to just put this into a single, 5 sentence paragraph. i just get too upset when i start typing. so if you can't read it this time, i'm super sorry!!!!!!

***I"m Gonna Be A Price!!***

March 20, 2010...God Willing!...

Pricex4, Plus 1 More!!!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 10:16 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2BAPrice

Because of the whole her husband is in the wedding, etc. You talk to her and tell her that it's just not working. Have FH talk to her husband and explain to him that it's not working on the girls' side, but he still wants him.

He may step down from the WP. You guys will have to just deal with that.

 

 

 

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Soon2BAPrice Posts : 50 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: everyone talks of "firing" the MOH/BM...but is it ok
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 10:52 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

thanks pharm ;) when fh originally asked her hub to be BM, they didn't even have a wedding date. and he knew then we didnt' want her around. and he said that was fine, that he understood. and that he still wanted to be a part of it all. when she found out, is when she started guilting me about the alleged conversation where we promised we'd want each other for moh's. her entire attitude completely bothers me. when she announced their shotgun wedding, her now-husband didn't even know, til she told him she bought a dress! so in 6 weeks time, fh and i had to buy dresses and rent tuxes, fh had to do the "man-dinner"(she refused to allow them to do anything "normal". they were only allowed to go to a restaraunt, and fh had to take her father with them). i alone, spent about $300 on her spa day luncheon, and because of their financials, we even helped them with wedding costs! but she whines over a $60 off the rack dress, that i talked my other girls into just for her! so, more or less behind my back, the girls decide that if they were going to buy dresses, they'd find ones that they could afford, and since it was obvious this girl wasn't going to buy a dress anyway, it didn't matter...and i let them! oh yes, when both girls sent me links to the 2 dresses they liked, and said they were willing to spend the "normal" amount on a dress, i wasn't glad they were going to wear dresses we originally picked out, but i was glad i had friends who actually gave a crap!

oh well, we're supposed to go over there next friday, so i'm going to just talk to her then...i'm just going to have to tell her. and if her husband bows out, then he's gotta do what he's gotta do.

***I"m Gonna Be A Price!!***

March 20, 2010...God Willing!...

Pricex4, Plus 1 More!!!

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