Too Young

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TangerineFranklin Posts : 21 Registered: 9/19/09
Too Young
Posted: Oct 18, 2009 3:01 PM

I'm seventeen and i've just gotten engaged i'll be turning eighteen in 2010 and i've already graduated high school. Is it too early to get married my friends keep telling me to see a little more of the world but i think he may be it should I listen to them?

Tangerine FranklinInnocent

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 18, 2009 4:40 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

In my opinion your friends are right. It's best to "see the world" and experience life. Go to college, get a full time job. People your age change a lot by the time they are in their mid 20's. I'm not saying it won't work for you and your fh, I'm just saying that the likely hood of you getting divorced is very high because you are young. But hey, everyone is different. Just follow your heart and listen to the advice people around you give you. Why not wait a few years while you both go to college or start work? It won't hurt to wait until you are around 21 years old. If you two are meant to be with each other then waiting won't hurt. Good luck!

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 18, 2009 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

The issue of being too young to get engaged and/or married is a hot one, especially on these boards. Check out recent posts in this forum and "Waiting for the Ring" if you want to read similar threads regarding age.

Some people go by the rule of thumb that if you're asking "Am I too young to get married?" then yes, you are.

Other people consider factors like how long the engagement will be, how old you'll be for the wedding, how long you've known your man, how long you've been dating, how mature each of you are, what life experiences you've had so far, how much support you're getting from family and friends, and what plans and goals you both have for the future.

There's no easy, cut-and-dried answer, but if you're asking for an opinion then everybody will have one.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 18, 2009 10:08 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

I love your name, Tangerine! Too cute!
My 15 year old niece has a friend in 10th grade who has "engaged" listed on her facebook. I absolutely cannot believe a 15 year old girl would even think about being engaged. And she isn't just putting it on there for attention, the "boy" has given her a ring. Not an expensive "real" engagement ring, mind you, but a ring. So, this 15 year old child is thinking she is going to marry this boy who is a Junior in high school. I am flabbergasted.

I got married young. I was 20. I did not intend to marry so young, but I became pregnant with my wonderful beautiful son. His Father and I were married for 21 years and we did a good job of raising our boy. We both worked our way through college and did everything we could to make sure our son had every advantage. My son graduates college in December and I am so happy that I did things the way I did. I wouldn't change a thing. Unfortunately my marraige ended once my son was raised.

That being said, would I advise a 20 year old young woman to marry? Most likely not. It is such a young age and you do have so much living to do! Wait until you know without a doubt that you are ready. You have all the time in the world... and the world is in the palm of your hand! Embrace life. Enjoy your journey.

Now I am 42 and recently remarried. It is now MY time to live my life the way I want to. I sacrificed many years for the sake of my child and I would not do it any different. But you can live your life anyway you want to now. Make your choices wisely. Good luck sweetie.

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Tofu Posts : 66 Registered: 4/2/09
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 11:39 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

Hi Tangerine,
I'm just wondering how long the two of you have been together?

I have a friend who got engaged at 18, but they have had a long engagement so that when they do get married this spring, she will be done law school (at the age of 22, still a young bride by most standards) and he will be part way through med-school (22 or 23). Although having a long engagement has been frustrating for them at times, it was the smartest decision for them to wait. I'm sure you have already heard that advice numerous times, but I believe that is for good reason. Here are their reasons for waiting to get married, and they may be things that resonate with you as well:
(1) a long-distance relationship in university - they postponed until they were living in the same city
(2), the lack of financial aid for school if one's spouse is working (her starting salary would not be enough for med school and living expenses)
(3) they are both serious students and getting married too young and moving out of their homes would likely have impacted their ability to succed in their undergrads and get into competitive professional schools (never underestimate the time it takes to cook, do groceries, laundry, clean the house, etc)

I think that a 17 year old could be mature enough to get married (none that I have ever known!), but your education and career paths may be seriously compromised if you do so too soon.


Whatever you decide, make sure you go with your instincts and listen to your friends and family - they have your best interests at heart.



Cool

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 23, 2009 11:40 AM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

Yes, I think you're way too young.

When I was 17, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. By 20, I was a different person. By 22, I was a different person again, though by that point, I think I was starting to grow into the woman I am today. I haven't changed much since I was 24 or 25. For reference, I am 29 now. My husband was 20 when we met (I was 19), so I can also speak for his development over his 20s. He changed fundamentally at 22 and then again at 24 or 25. He is 30 now.

Personally, I think you're way too young to make a lifelong commitment to anything. You may have hopes and dreams now, but all that will change. You and your boyfriend will grow into different people within the next few years. For me, it would be too big a gamble to assume that we would grow in ways that compliment one another. Sometimes it happens - in my case, we did grow together, though we had some really bumpy years - but I wouldn't be willing to bet my marriage on it.

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TangerineFranklin Posts : 21 Registered: 9/19/09
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 23, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

we have been together 3 years

Tangerine FranklinInnocent

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 23, 2009 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

The length of your relationship doesn't mean anything to me. When I was 17, I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years and thought that he was the one. Then I grew up.

Marrying him would have been the worst mistake I could have made in my life - particularly if I had done so at your age. Not only would it not have lasted long as I grew and changed (and him too, I would imagine, though I haven't talked to him in years), but I would have ruined my future and it would have taken years to fix after getting out of the marriage.

I'm not saying this to scare you or to be mean, but getting married at your age is a bad idea. You're not the only 17-year old girl (and I say girl because you are NOT a woman yet) to fall in love and think that her boyfriend is the one. Yes, we all know someone who married their high school sweetheart and everything worked out perfectly, but for every couple like that, most of us know at least 5 that didn't last or stuck it out though they were unhappy.

Here's how I look at it, and it's really very simple. You have two choices:

1) Get married now and take a gamble that you will both change in ways that will compliment one another as you mature. Gamble that you will be able to have the same opportunities (college, etc) as a married 18-year old that you would have as an unmarried one.

2) Wait another 5 years to get married. Get your educations without having to sacrifice for your marriage. Grow into the individuals you will be as adults and establish yourselves.

I think it looks like an easy choice. Why would you be willing to gamble on a marriage AND your chances of getting an education when it's not necessary? Both are very serious and will affect you for your entire life. Both are too important to gamble on. If you are truly mature enough to get married, you will be mature enough to recognize the smart decision.


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Renee86 Posts : 159 Registered: 5/30/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 23, 2009 3:22 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

As others(including your friends) have said, it's best that you wait.
There are several reasons for this but just one simple reason that is
clearly stated in your post, you "think he may be it". It is something
that you should know, not think.

It's really in your best interest that you give it more time
considering your age, the time period this relationship has taken
place, you thinking your friends may be right(you asking the ? proves
that), etc.

You are going to mature so much over the next couple of years(and still have plenty more maturing to go after that) even though you may think that you're quite mature right now. I know all the maturity talk may be like beating a dead horse to you lol but it's true. You will see that later down the road.

Take some time to find yourself, focus on college(if you're going), work on the relationship some more and see how things go. If this guy really is the one, he'll understand and stick by you. Good luck!

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 24, 2009 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

Firstly, I think it's good that you're thinking this over and taking friends considerations seriously. Many 17 year olds just cover their ears to any objection...

Yes, I think 17 is too young. Like others have said, you will both change so much in the next 5-7+ years, and it's best to wait that period out before making a legal commitment.

If you think marriage is right for you now, it will be right for you in 5 years, 10 years. Also, I sincerely believe that you need to date around before deciding what type of person is right for you. Not saying you should go wild... but you've been with this guy since you were 14, so you likely haven't had any other serious boyfriends. It usually takes a lot of frogs before you can spot a prince.

Late teens/early 20's is a crazy and fantastic time for most people. Likely, there will never be another time like this... where you're independant, young, free, vibrant, and have a world of opportunities... all at once. You don't want to look back at this time in your life and have regrets. If you do have regrets, that may turn in to resentment toward your partner.. and that feeling is extremely hard to get rid of.

To each their own, but I think you have little to gain and a LOT to lose if you marry this young.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 24, 2009 6:39 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

Look at the two options that Art gave you.

I was in a situation similar to you--I was 18 when my boyfriend and I started to consider marraige.

Then we looked at it the same way Art told you to look.

There are so many more details involved also.

Finances, education, emotional (in)dependence from your family, etc.

We ended up taking Art's Option #2 (which is what she recommend incase you don't recollect.)

It's been about a year and a half (we are both 20) and we are still together and still very much in love and we do still plan on getting married one day. I am 100% positive that we made the right decision--not once have I regretted waiting. I have even noticed changes in our personalities, in our relationship and in our goals just over the past year. We are lucky that we are able to grow together and that despite some future goal imcompatabilities, that we are going to embrace our changes. Not every couple can do that though.

I am just saying--wait.

Why rush to marraige? You will still be together, you will still be in love--the title of husband and wife doesn't have to be now.

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TangerineFranklin Posts : 21 Registered: 9/19/09
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 24, 2009 6:45 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

also we are both planning not to go to college at all and he's 20


Tangerine FranklinInnocent

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Renee86 Posts : 159 Registered: 5/30/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 24, 2009 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Have you talked to
them about this? Hope I'm not being too nosey but I think being able to
talk with them about this is important. Their influence and advice is
what is needed as well.

Also what are your opinions of what some have said in this thread so
far? I haven't seen much response from you besides you're not going to
college and the length of the relationship. Have any more questions? Is
there something you agree with or don't disagree with?

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 24, 2009 7:04 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

You didn't respond to any of the above posts with that answer.

He's 20.
So What?
Is that old to you?

I just said in my last post, that I am 20 now as is my FH and that we are still changing and growing...and we are still postponing a marraige until we are at a point in our life where we feel settled.

You are 17, he is 20, neither of you are going to college and you want a Twilight themed wedding. What kind of man, first off wants a Twilight themed wedding?

No offense--but this all sounds so immature. Because it IS immature. It's a desperate attempt to grow up and move on to the next stage in your relationship. Honestly--it's not worth it right now. You have no idea what marraige is going to be like.

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Too Young
Posted: Oct 25, 2009 3:20 PM Go to message in response to: TangerineFranklin

You both plan on not going to college?

In that case, sure go ahead and get married.

Good bye future, hello drive-thru

What kind of life can you expect to have by not going to college. You will never get a good job by having a high school education in the world we live in today.

And yes, you are too young to get married.
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