Engaged at the same time as my sister

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TheLiz Posts : 1 Registered: 9/1/07
Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 1, 2007 12:11 PM

I am looking for some advice about being engaged at the same time as my sister.  She got engaged last fall, but has been reluctant to plan a wedding.  She barely wants to talk about getting married and my parents had to practically beg her to set a date.  When my parents had her FH's parents over for dinner to meet each other, she asked that none of us bring up the wedding or talk about marriage.  I recently became engaged as well.  My FH had been planning since before my sister got engaged to ask me to marry him this summer.  Since my sister and I aren't that close, and she didn't even seem to care about her own wedding, he stuck to his plans and asked me.

 

Now my sister is very angry and she says we are taking all the attention away from her.  We have only told our immediate family and friends the news of our engagement, so it is not as if we are screaming from every roof top.  My sister is supposed to be married next spring, but now she says she wants to cancel her wedding because no one will care about her.  Of course we all think this is ridiculous because my FH and I don't want to get married for at least two years from now, so there will be plenty of time between the two weddings.  I can't tell if she is really mad or just trying to get extra attention.  Before I got engaged she didn't want to even talk about her wedding, but now that I am engaged, she feels like I ruined her "special" time. 

 

Part of me is starting to feel that my FH should have waited to ask me, but at the same time, there was no guarantee when or if my sister would get married and he didn't want to wait forever because of her.

 

I guess I'm just looking to see if any one else has been in a similar situation and if these feelings of jealousy tend to pass.  I think this should be a happy time for both of us.  We have both found great guys and we should be supportive of each other.  I am very happy for her and most importantly, I don't want her to make the mistake of canceling her wedding out of anger and then regretting it later.   Any help would be greatly appreciated!

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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 1, 2007 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

Not to be rude, but it sounds to me like your sister is being a drama queen!  If you have only told your immediate family and don't plan on getting married for two years, then wait until after her wedding to tell everyone else.  It's not your fault that she wasn't planning the wedding and now she's mad because you're stealing her thunder, which you're not.  I could understand if you were getting married close together, but I think your sister needs to get over it.  Your sister should be happy for you, just as you are happy for her.

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 2, 2007 10:03 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

shame on her for acting that way

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Guest
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 3, 2007 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

Whether your sister truly feels resentment towards your engagement or is just seeking the attention, please don't let anyone take away from your moment of happiness!  Because, even though she may feel as if you're taking away from her engagment, she's doing the exact same to yours by acting this way.  This is such an amazing, romantic time for the both of you, hopefully she'll realize this and see the advantages there could with both of you engaged, double the help and concern in planning!  Most importantly though, don't feel bad for getting engaged, enjoy it! 

I can't say that I'm completely in your situation since I'm not engaged, but my family is completely aware that my bf and I have looked at rings and that an engagement is in our near future.  My sister is getting married next month, and I have already been essentially "warned," that our plans better hold off until after the wedding... Well, to be honest, if it were her way, I'd have to wait an entire year, so that she could soak up her first year of marriage.  She even got a little angry when our sister-in-law said she would be pregnant during the wedding!  So, just know you're not the only one dealing with some jealousies in the family.  Hope everything turns out well, Congratulations!!


 

Being a soldier is hard, but loving one is even harder... T n K

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Guest
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 3, 2007 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

It sounds like my situation.  My sister got engaged two years ago at christmas.  My DH proposed to me in November almost a year after her.  She had no date planned, didnt want to talk about it too.  I had asked her like a million times when she was thinking of a date and couldnt even tell me what year.  FH and I planned for this Sept of 2007 for our wedding.  We let my parents know when we were planning to have it and my sister turns to me and states that this Sept. was when she was thinking of having hers.  I was fuming so my answer to her was that's fine just dont pick Sept. 29,2007 or you wont be able to make it to my wedding.  To make a long story short she still doesn't have a date or idea or anything yet!  Some people are just happy with being engaged, she must be one of them.  Point of the story continue with your plans and don't feel bad.  As it has been stated on these boards several times the bride gets a day not years, months or even weeks.

 

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 3, 2007 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

As with so many family situations, you can't control what the other person does -- much less how she feels -- you can only control your own behavior.  From the sound of it, you and your FH have behaved like any perfectly normal, courteous, nice couple would.  Keep it that way, and your sister may or may not soften her attitude for you but at least you will know that you didn't sink down to her level.  The old Golden Rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" -- not "Run around trying to anticipate what will offend other people so you can try to steer clear of it and cater to their neuroses"!
EveT

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 3, 2007 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

She had her chance.  She could have made her plans and been married by now or at least have things in the works.  Enjoy your time go on with your plans and let her stew in her own juice.  She is not going to be happy for you because she is not going to be happy.  Don't let her rain on your parade.

I have been planning my wedding since January and we are just seven weeks away.  My daughter just got engaged on Friday.  I was even in on the proposal.  Her wedding is next november and she has already started some initial planning.  My point is we can both make our plans and be happy for each other and enjoy our times.  It is about each of us and we are both basking in our own joy.  Both of you can enjoy this time and be happy for each other and not take anything away from the other.

we belong togetherKiss


Message was edited by kennysnewwife on Sep 3, 2007 11:58 AM

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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 3, 2007 7:18 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

honestly, i would wonder if she really wants to get married or is having cold feet.  first she never wanted to speak of the wedding....had to force her to set a date.  now, because you are getting married 2 years later she is calling it off?  seems odd.

you're fine.  you're doing nothing wrong, imo.


 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

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blndsnbrdr Posts : 131 Registered: 9/3/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 4, 2007 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

If she is having issues like this about dates and such and wants to call off the wedding because of the timing if your engagement someone needs to warn her FH!  It doesn't seem like she it taking her own engagement too seriously - do his parents even know about the engagement since it couldn't be talked about at the dinner table?

 Either way, this is your engagement and your wedding - you are not running around town flaunting your ring so you have nothing to feel bad about - and even if you were flaunting the ring...she had her chance, now its your turn!  And it seems like you are taking it a lot more seriously, so kudos to you!

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Celiny Posts : 285 Registered: 7/23/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 4, 2007 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

I'm sorry you are having to feel guilty about getting engaged. If you and your FH are in love and want to spend your lives together, you shouldn't have to wait to get engaged until after your sister gets married.

My sister and I are getting married 6 months apart! Her and her fiance were only dating 8 months when he proposed. My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years. Her wedding is first, and I am her MOH. I went with her to pick out her wedding dress, and she came with me to pick out mine. We love talking to each other about our weddings. There is no jealousy or resentment. Your sister should be happy for you and look at this as a blessing. I would think if you weren't very close to eachother, this would be the perfect time to bond. My sister and I have grown SOOO much closer since being engaged together. How many brides can say they had their sister going through the same thing with them. We can share our laughter and frustrations with each other.

I would suggest maybe talking to your sister and showing her how this can be a great thing.... not a spotlight killer.


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5in3 Posts : 806 Registered: 8/15/06
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 7, 2007 1:17 PM Go to message in response to: Celiny

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Your sister should be supportive. 

I guess I am lucky, My cousins both got engaged in the past year, and married a week apart in June.  Yup they are sisters, ones wedding was one week, and the next week we went to the others. I got engaged about 7 months into their engagements, and they were both thrilled for me.  I guess I am lucky.  You get a day, if that, not a week, year, month, lifetime. 


Me, my honey and our kitty make 3.

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shelbienyc Posts : 10 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Sep 10, 2007 5:22 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

Hey Liz,

I feel your pain.  I just got engaged on Sept. 5 and my sister has been engaged since the winter, but her wedding is in Jan. so of course my engagement is imposing on her plans, not to mention her bridal shower that is coming up at the end of the month.  She craves attention as well.  My advice is focus on your big day and do your best to be there for your sister, especially if you are the older sister.  I am the oldest in my family and my younger sister even took the liberty of "borrowing" some of my wedding ideas.  Good old sibling rivalry what would we do without, sarcastically speaking of course.

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Guest
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Oct 2, 2007 5:10 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

I am in a situation similar to yours. I got engaged this past May, and immediately set my date for Oct 08. My FH's sister got engaged a few weeks later, and is having her wedding before mine- June 08. I wasn't angry at her, because she has been planning a June wedding since before she was officially engaged, and before I got engaged. However, my FH's cousin just announced to the family that she is engaged to a man that she has been dating for a FEW MONTHS. And here is the kicker... she has set her date to be 3 WEEKS before mine!

 If you had done what my future-cousin has done, your sister would have the right to be angry. Your sister is being very dramatic about the whole situation. As time passes, hopefully she will realize that your family has a lot to be happy about in the coming years, and that she should be happy for you. I hope you do not let her selfishness overshadow your planning and the joy of your engagement.

 But does anyone have any advice for me? I am furious at his cousin. I am trying to be happy for her, but it is not working.

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LOnDZ Posts : 57 Registered: 6/10/07
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Oct 22, 2007 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

-

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tellyy Posts : 27 Registered: 10/31/06
Re: Engaged at the same time as my sister
Posted: Oct 16, 2009 10:18 PM Go to message in response to: TheLiz

your sister is nuts.we all know that SHE wants to be a center of attention,a classic case of sibling rivarly.ignore her or play along.

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