Parents and the guest list

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kateinlove Posts : 8 Registered: 9/18/09
Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 3:43 PM

So here's what's up....
My boyfriend and I (yes boyfriend, no formal proposal yet) have begun planning for our september wedding. We chose our location months ago and showed it to our parents this weekend. It's a small, rather remote beach about 30 min away. We had decided on doing a small wedding with just family and a larger reception, which works anyway because not very many people will fit on the beach and we need to transport people there because parking sucks. Now my mom is all of a sudden having an issue with the fact that our mutual friends, who are also our neighbors (one of which is my mom's best friend) won't be at the ceremony. The problem with inviting my mom's friend means her whole fam of 5 would be added, plus our other neighbors/mutual friends would be hurt if they weren't invited too, and then my boyfriends parents would want their family friends there too. I'm now torn betweeen the ceremony location I love, my boyfriend wanting a small ceremony, and my mom thinking we're being disrespectful by not including everyone. My mom not being thrilled about our difficult, full of hassle ceremony site and hurting our friends kills me because my mom and I are so close. But my dad disagrees with her, and I don't know what I think. I really want my mom on board. HELP!!!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 5:13 PM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

Dear Kate,

When it comes to choosing between people and things, I usually vote for people.

Sure, you love the location. But in going with that location it means hurting the feelings of a lot of people. You have that choice to make.

The ultimate decision will be done by whoever is paying for the wedding. If you and BF plan to pick up the whole tab, then you have every right to get exactly what you want, even if that means excluding your parents' friends.

If your parents are paying for it, then you're not exactly in a great position to say "We don't want your friends there."

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

While I agree with Aunt that people over things matter most, I also wonder what kind of ceremony you're invisioning? Do you want JUST family at the ceremony? Very intimate? Then your beach ceremony sounds like it fits the bill. Then celebrating at your reception with all family and friends would include your mothers friends. Yes, it does weigh a lot on who is footing the bill for this, if it's just you, do what you want. If it's your parents, you need to come to a compromise. Many brides have a small, close family only ceremony and then larger reception and it turns out fine. WHere it gets hairy is if you invite SOME friends to the ceremony and not others... you can get away without hurting people so much if it's just family, but friends will question their friendship and how much they mean to you if they find out some friends were invited and they weren't.

Talk with your boyfriend first, find out what you both TRULY want and make a solid decision. Then talk to family about it and go from there. Best Wishes!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

It is your wedding. If this was something that wasn't very important to you and your future fiance, then I would say, "why not compromise"? But, it seems like this small beach ceremony is important. I also had a small ceremony and there were people who would have liked to have been invited but I just did not want to go there. It is up to you to have a heart to heart talk with your Mom. You are a grown woman now and you have to let her know what your plans are and follow through with what you say you are going to do. It may not be easy, but she will eventually be okay with it. Good luck.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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kateinlove Posts : 8 Registered: 9/18/09
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 7:05 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Those are great suggestions guys, thanks! Something else I was considering was going in the morning with just our parents, siblings, and best man/ maid of honor to our beach spot to do our vows. Our reception is at my grandma's house, and I was thinking we could have a second ceremony in her garden for everyone to see. That way we skip driving everyone to the beach, don't have to deal with the break between ceremony and reception, everyone gets to see us exchange our vows (again) lol, and we still get to do it on the beach the way we want it. I don't know if that's hoakie though. I know people do it when they have destination weddings or elope. Will it feel fake for everyone if they know we did it privately earlier that day? What do you think? Also I know some people play the video from the ceremony at the reception, I just don't know if that's enough for me or my guests.

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 7:23 PM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

I think your new idea is totally fine. It sounds romantic and a good way to compromise. Good luck!

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

Dear Kate,

" Will it feel fake for everyone if they know we did it privately earlier that day? What do you think? "

Well, um, yes, it would feel fake to me.

I should warn you that the subject of a "fake wedding" is a hot one on this message board. There are those who think it's perfectly OK to reenact wedding vows for the guests. They say their "real" vows in one place, then repeat somewhere else at a later time. They all have gut-wrenching reasons for the real followed by fake wedding: insurance, deployment, dying grandmother, immigration. Your love of a particular beach is one of the weakest arguments I've read.

I am not one of those who thinks it's OK. If I am invited to a wedding, I want to witness the real vows. I'm not all that interested in a do-over, in fact I consider it a real snub to be told "You aren't important enough to witness the real vows, but come to the rerun and give us a present anyway."

Why not have your real wedding at your grandparents' house, then later repeat the vows at the beach location? If you believe do-overs are just as interesting as the first set, then repeating them at the beach later should be OK with you.

I come back to the same question I asked before. What is more important? People? Location? If you want your real vows at the location of your choice, then you'll have to ditch the people. If you want your real vows in front of all the people of your choice, then you'll have to ditch the location.

In my opinion, people and relationships are way more important than beautiful scenery. The beach hasn't loved you, listened to you, let you cry on its shoulder when your first boyfriend dumped you. The beach didn't get you concert tickets nor throw a surprise birthday party for you. People did.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 11, 2009 10:41 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm actually disagreeing with AOTB over the importance of the location.

A wedding ceremony should be a celebration of the couple, witnessed by those the couple wants to witness it -- if the OP wants only certain people there, that is who should be there. (IF the OP is paying for it. If not, then as the saying goes, "she who pays, gets the final say") Mom can ask, they can discuss, but ultimately, the next door neighbor and best friend of mom is NOT family...she's mom's best friend. There are some family friends who are considered family, by everyone. (I actually have one of those, and she was my grandmother's next door neighbor. The woman sent me b-day cards and Christmas cards every year...when I visited my grandmother, I made sure to make a trip over to Georgia's house to see her...NOT that she wasn't at my grandmother's house already half the time I was there...but because I needed to visit Georgia. She was family. She wasn't Grandma's best friend. There IS a difference in that status.) And then there are friends of family members -- that's what it sounds like this best friend of mom is... MOM's best friend, but not really family.

Regarding the vow repeat -- why not instead have it filmed and play it at the reception. Or only invite those to the reception that you want at the ceremony.

Misty

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kateinlove Posts : 8 Registered: 9/18/09
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 12, 2009 1:18 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Thanks again guys... except that one post from Aunt. I am looking for advice, not negativity. You have some good ideas and are very honest, but that was a little like bashing.
Anyway....
We had a good talk tonight with my parents and found a way to work a very large bus into the budget to get EVERYONE to the beach. When it comes down to it, I think I would miss out if I didn't get to really walk down the isle (sand) and have everyone witness our commitment to eachother. I do however need to call and find out how much a beach permit is for that many people. We're still just under a year away from the wedding so i'm sure my ideas will change a hundred times again. Goodnight all!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 12, 2009 10:04 AM Go to message in response to: kateinlove

You know what never mind - my time is worth more than this.




Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Oct 12, 2009 10:10 AM

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Parents and the guest list
Posted: Oct 12, 2009 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Exactly

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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