Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)

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BrideofFrankens... Posts : 31 Registered: 1/14/09
Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 12:56 AM

I'm slightly worried about planning my wedding.

My family has never had much money. Suddenly, my dad feels the need to pay for this extravagant wedding that I know they can't afford. I don't want an extravagant wedding. AND I don't want my parents to pay for it.

We have booked a location in my fiance's home town 5 hours from my home town. My overly loving father and mother want all of their friends to be there. They made up a guest list for their side of over 100 people. (106 to be exact) and therefore expecting total guestlist at the wedding to be about 200

I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should be grateful for this, dad wants to pay for the wedding, but I KNOW they don't have the money, (not that I do) So I see no reason why they have to pay for a huge wedding when neither my fiance nor i want one.

Example: Dad was going to surprise me with renting a hummerlimo. NO NO NO NO. not only stupidly expensive, but i hate the ungodly amount of pollution they put off! sometimes the "best" isn't always the best for the occasion.

I'm a simple girl. I learned how to live simply from my wonderful family. how do I tell a father who is bending over backwards for his little girl to give her the best wedding ever to... stop? 200 people is not necessary. i'd like 100 or less please. I don't want a hummer limo, i'll drive myself, thank you. I don't want huge exotic floral arrangements, dad, I'm using recycled aluminum cans as votive candle holders. you know how many months rent i could pay with the money used for that wedding dress?!?! 3 and a half!!!!!!

i don't want $25K high society. i want $5k shabby chic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

does this make sence? I do hope i'm not comming off as snotty or bratty or UNGRATEFUL!!!! beleive me! Oh, man! I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! and very LUCKY!!!!!!!

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 4:09 AM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

I don't think your being bratty at all. I know there are some people who might think the opposite, but they are truely the brats!

To me it sounds like your dad wants to do this because your his daughter and he loves you, his intentions could be for any reason, but that's the first thing that comes to my mind, only because last night FH and I had a discussion similar to this (only things he wants to do for me, can't afford to, but things that I really want that we can afford and that would make me happy).

I would sit down and talk to your dad about why you don't want certain things for your wedding, explain why you don't want the hummer, why you don't want a huge guest list, and everything else. Avoid the financial aspect of it though, instead of saying the hummer is too expensive, say how you mentioned earlier about the pollution. For the guest list, say you want it more personal and you feel you wouldn't get to enjoy the time with everyone if there were 200 people.

Then, since it sounds like he wants to really do something for you, include him in the planning, if your doing a DIY, ask him to help, or if he wants to spend money, ask him to pay for something that won't put him into debt. I hope this helps and that he's able to understand you don't need a $25K wedding :)

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 9:01 AM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

I don't think you are being bratty or ungrateful. You are being practical and reasonable. Sounds like you just want something simple. That is fine. You need to sit down with your mom and dad and tell them nicely that you appreciate what they are doing but that you feel more comfortable if you just have a small wedding. Show them YOUR guestlist and show them only the things you want at the wedding (ex normal sized limo,) Maybe you don't even want a limo and if you don't then be firm and tell them that. Tell them exactly what you want! If they still won't give in and want to spend their money then tell them that you would rather have their money for your honeymoon, downpayment for a house, or even for a charity.
                           
  

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 9:43 AM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

Tell your family that you have always wanted a small wedding and that if you had a big, 200 person event with a hummer limo, you'd be really, really uncomfortable. Tell them that such an event would make you unhappy.

Put the focus on the fact that what they are planning is not what you want. Don't even mention money. The more you emphasize that the wedding is about you and what you are comfortable with, the more the wedding they are planning will seem like an imposition and a waste.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

dear BoF,

What a great dad. He's really trying hard to do his best.

Now, it's time to bring him down to earth. He raised a wonderful daughter and now he gets his reward. He has a daughter who wants a wedding that won't put him in bankruptcy.

I had some of the same issues with my father. What worked with him was to praise him for doing such a great job as a dad, then leveraging that into getting the scaled-down event (or whatever) that I really wanted.

Here's one suggestion. Tell him that you would prefer he take the money he's saving by NOT getting the Hummer, etc, and put it in a savings account designated for the future grandchildren. If he's "generous" with you, he'll pull out all the stops with grandchildren, trust me on that one. By saving money from your wedding there will be more left for the grandkids. If you, in fact, hope to have children, dangle those future Little Darlings in front of his eyes as motivation for frugality now.

If you are not planning on having children, then think of another angle. You will need money for a house, someday, and hope to come to him for help. You plan to go to college after you get married.

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

I understand how you feel. I believe a wedding should reflect the bride and groom's style. And if you are shabby chic, then you should have a shabby chic wedding.

Have you voiced your concerns to your dad? I ask because he loves you and want you to be happy on your big day.

Good luck!

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 8, 2009 7:56 PM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

"I'm a simple girl. I learned how to live simply from my wonderful family. stop. 200 people is not necessary. i'd like 100 or less please. I don't want a hummer limo, i'll drive myself, thank you. I don't want huge exotic floral arrangements, dad, I'm using recycled aluminum cans as votive candle holders. you know how many months rent i could pay with the money used for that wedding dress?!?! 3 and a half!!!!!!

i don't want $25K high society. i want $5k shabby chic!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And that's exactly what you say to Dad. Sweetly, with lots of gratitude. The suggestion to take the money and use it some other way is great, if they'd wish to do it. If not, they can throw a barbecue for all 100 of their friends, after you return from your honeymoon, and you'll be there with bells on. But, on this most special day of your life, you need to feel comfortable and happy about your wedding.

If Dad won't listen to reason, you can refuse the money and do it your way. (Usually, if you go as far as refusing any help, a Dad like yours will see it your way).
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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BrideofFrankens... Posts : 31 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 9, 2009 1:46 AM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

wow. i'm always impressed by you guys! thanks folks! you'll have far more grace than i do! thank you for the wonderful works of wisdom on this touchy subject :)

you've all been a great help! thank you!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: Not our wedding anymore (long story and I don't know what to do!)
Posted: Oct 9, 2009 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: BrideofFrankens...

I was in the same situation as you while I was planning. DH and I planned on a very small wedding in a state park. My mom and I decided that we wanted to some wedding stuff, ie looking at venues ect. My dad said no matter what he was paying for my dress, which I was greatful for, and thats all I planned on letting my parents do for me. We found a site we loved, and was a price DH and I figured we could afford, we took my parents there, and my dad refused to leave until HE paid for it. While we were talking date, time, food ect my dad also picked a menue that was far more than what I was willing to spend per person. I told my parents I couldn't afford that menue, but they said they would pay. I didn't want to start what could turn into an arugment with my parents in front of strangers, so once we left I asked them to come to DH's and my house so we could talk. I sat my parents down and asked what they invisioned my wedding to be, and they both mentioned extravagent things. I told them I would love something like that, however we did not have the money for that, and I knew they didn't have the money for that as they are both on limited incomes. After comparing all of our visions for our day, and aproxamently the price for this day, we all came to a comprimise. My mom wanted to get us a limo, I told her I would rather drive,my dad wanted to order a ton of food, We decided to order about 2 more plates that our guest list.

So I suggest sit down with your parents, see what they are invisioning for your wedding, and see what compromises you can make to make everyone invloved happy.


 

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