Momzilla

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Momzilla
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: JDRoberson

  • What can we do to prevent future sabotage

  • Don't involve them. Don't talk to them, don't consult with them, create boundaries between your life and theirs. The fact that you are reliant on them for 3K is itself a mistake. I'm assuming that the contract with the venue assumes that if that 3K is missing on the day of your wedding, you still get to have your wedding and they have to pursue the mother in court.

  • Do we have an recourse with the dress

  • Probably not. At least, not without involving other people. Arguably, the wedding was a gift and they have unlawful possession. Except, it doesn't appear it was ever actually gifted. You can try and utilize the father's help -- he bought it, you'd think he'd want it to get used -- but frankly, I'd chalk it up to a loss and let it go. You can't argue with crazy. Crazy always wins.

  • Should we fight back(i.e. Not invite them)

  • I understand you think that this is your chip in the pocket -- you can threaten to ban them from the wedding if they don't do what you want. But that would just make you as crazy as them, honestly. You've called the mother manipulative. Not inviting them is just as manipulative. Do you really want to get into a battle over who is more manipulative? Trust me, do that, and you'll end up in that battle for the rest of your life.

    Let it go. You don't want this battle. She's older. She's been crazier waaaaaaaay longer.

  • Anything else we should try
  • Yup. Stop relying on them. For anything (including emotional support).

    Good luck.


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    PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 7, 2009 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

    Crazy always wins.

    Seriously it does. Ditto to EVERYTHING MrsD said. She's on the money.

    And to reiterate - don't sink to her level. Kill her with kindness when you see her, don't NOT invite her to the wedding, etc.

    Someone has to be the adults in this situation.

     

     

     

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    kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 7, 2009 5:41 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

    Seems to me that a lot is missing here. People don't just change without reason.

    I say buy your own dress, pay for your own wedding and leave the parents out of it.

     

     

     

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    BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 3:31 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

    I may have read the post wrong, but I don't get the impression that the posters are being overly bratty about the money. I don't think they really care WHAT the amount is, so much as they're upset that they were promised one thing and are being given another. (Which we see on here ALL THE TIME). Regardless if it's money, something else, or doesn't even involve a physical object - it STILL sucks to be promised one thing and delivered another without being told why. And I think it's fair for them to be upset over it.

    On the other hand, if they were saying "We asked for 10 thousand dollars for the wedding and our parents won't give it to us, but they can AFFORD it", then well...that would be bratty.

    Anyway...the best thing to do is not to count on ANY money that isn't physically in your hands or bank account at this moment. And I would definitely buy a new dress, even if it's a 100$ super-sale dress. Because that way, you won't have wasted too much money if you do end up being able to wear your "real" dress, and hey...I'm sure lots of sale dresses look amazing.


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    PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 8:02 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

    Seems to me that a lot is missing here. People don't just change without reason.

    Well, I don't know about that. Plenty of parents have changed attitudes when their kids have gotten engaged. Sometimes that engagement is a catalyst. Maybe they weren't that thrilled with the BF/GF before, but held their piece. Maybe the Mom hasn't changed at all, maybe she did this before, but the OP and her FH didn't see it and maybe she stepped up now that they are engaged.

    Maybe there is more but maybe not. People get weird about things.

     

     

     

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    ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 9:35 AM Go to message in response to: JDRoberson

    It really doesn't sound like we're getting the whole story, here.

    To the OP and groom: This seems like a pretty obvious question, so I'm surprised nobody has asked it. But if the bride's parents dislike the groom and don't approve of the marriage, why would you expect them to help pay for the wedding?

    Sure, they offered - and it sounds like they've changed their minds, which they are entitled to do, seeing as it is THEIR MONEY we're talking about. They do not owe you anything, so I would make other plans for paying for the portion of the wedding that you expected them to pay.

    Given that they signed a contract with the venue, that is their responsibility - however, what would happen if they refused to pay it? The venue would go after them rather than you, BUT you also wouldn't be able to have the wedding at the venue until the bill is paid. If you're really concerned about her parents sabotaging the wedding, I would make back-up plans to pay the bill on time. The bottom line is that the venue can go after them for the money, since they signed the contract - but if they don't want you to get married, they can delay paying it until after the wedding. And if the bill isn't paid, you're not getting married there no matter whose name is on the contract.

    I wouldn't count on any financial contribution from parents who do not approve of the marriage. Frankly, I think it was stupid of you to ask, but what's done is done. The bride should sit down with her parents (Groom, you've done enough. Stay out of this. Let her deal with her own family.) and get everything out on the table. Here's what needs to be discussed:

    1) If they intend to pay the bill for the venue, it must be paid by X date. Otherwise, you will assume that they are uninterested in contributing and you will pay it yourselves.

    2) The bride does not trust her mother to give her the dress before the wedding and does not intend to get married naked. If she does not receive the dress by X date, she will buy her own and her mother is free to sell the original dress.

    That's about all you can do. There's no way to force someone to spend THEIR money or to give you something that THEY have purchased. If you're concerned that they will never follow through on these promises, make other plans. If you don't have the money to cover the things you thought they would pay for, scale back your plans in other areas.

    You also asked about retaliation and whether you should invite them. In my opinion, it would be pretty low to uninvite the bride's PARENTS simply because they did not contribute financially to the wedding. Swallow your pride and invite them.

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    krissygurl Posts : 3 Registered: 10/7/09
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 10:01 AM Go to message in response to: krissygurl

    Thanks for all of the help everyone. I am not going to count on them paying for anything and we have a back up plan if they do not pay the bill for the venue. We are getting back up plans for everything, just in case they try and screw something else up. They are just horrible people and I should not have counted on them in the first place, but they shouldnt have promised me things they weren't going to keep. I am going to buy a new dress unfortunately.

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    Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

    Art - I had asked the same exact question. I still don't get why they'd ask for help from people who didn't approve.

     

     

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    ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: krissygurl

    They are just horrible people and I should not have counted on them in the first place, but they shouldnt have promised me things they weren't going to keep.

    They're 'horrible people'. Wow, that's an awfully harsh thing to say about your parents.

    I'm going to ask again: If your parents are such horrible people, why did you ask them for help in the first place? I guess they're not so horrible that you couldn't have accepted their money.

    This whole thing doesn't sound right to me, and I really doubt that we're getting the whole story.


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    MrsDeLouis Posts : 167 Registered: 11/10/08
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

    I'm agreement that we aren't getting the whole story. If the parents have a problem with the groom, there has to be a reason. Most people wouldn't just wake up one day and decide to hate the person their child was marrying. It seems that something had to have happened for these feelings to have come to light. Did the parents have a problem with the groom before the engagement? If so, then I agree with pp's that said why would you have even asked them for help.

    Groom: you most definitely need to stay out of this. The problem lies with your FW's parents and even if it has something to do with not approving of you, it's not really your fight. She needs to handle her mother.

    OP: Saying your parents are horrible people just because they haven't lived up to promises that were made is craziness in itself. To say that they are horrible people suggests that they have in someway harmed you or mistreated you, or something along those lines. Just because they haven't kept their end of the bargain doesn't make them horrible people. That's a very sad thing to say, let alone think about your parents simply due to this whole wedding issue.

    The dress sounds like a loss unless you can convince your father to get involved. We haven't heard much about his thoughts on this whole matter. Is it your mother who is being the controlling one, or is your father just as bad?

    It's good that you have backup plans in place should your parent's not come through financially. However, it's not appropriate to un-invite them to your own wedding. They can make that decision for themselves once they receive the invitation. By un-inviting them, you are just asking for a whole host of new problems.

    Do not continue to rely on them for anything that has to do with this wedding. You two are old enough to get married then you need to deal with the responsibilities of it. I would agree with distancing yourselves from involving them in any future wedding plans. But remember groom, these people are going to be your in laws and that's not going to change, in otherwords, avoid making waves with them.

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    kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

    We are not getting the whole story and this latest statement about the parents being horrible people just convincies me more. The OP or her FH are not sharing all the details here. I don't care what they are but it is just very strange to me.

    As others have said if these people are so bad why would you involve them in the first place? I'm just not buying mom and dad did a complete 180 out of the blue.

     

     

     

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    MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

    We probably aren't getting the whole story here, but if the groom is right, that the mother is jealous of her daughter (and I've been there) than the mother can hate the groom even though there's nothing wrong with him. I have had a taste of what they're talking about.

    The mistake was including them in anyway in the process, especially by asking for money, which they probably did because that's what they figured they were supposed to do, and because they do know that the mother loves her daughter, even if her jealousy of her is getting in the way of showing it.

    But that ship is sailed, and they appear to be doing the right thing now, which is to stop relying on her folks. And while I agree that the "horrible" assessment is harsh, I bet when your parent can't seem to want the best for you because they're wrapped up in their own issues. . .it can make them seem pretty horrible.


    __________________________________________

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    BriansAzBride Posts : 326 Registered: 12/5/08
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

    Ok I have another question. How old are they? If they are 43 and her mother is doing this, there are some HUGE issues here. If they are younger, say 19 then maybe the mother has some insight here and there is something wrong. We definitely need more details. We are getting only a tiny glimpse of the story.

     

     

     

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    HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 2:52 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

    To build on Ms. D's perspective: to me it's entirely possibly Mom has been manipulative for a long time, but OP & fiance were not only doing what they thought they were supposed to do, but that they thought maybe it would help the relationship by offering to let Mom & Dad participate in some way and it would make them happy. (I know my own mom was dying to help us financially, in part b/c she wanted to help but ALSO specifically because she wanted to be able to have a say! ) So I said yes to financial help because I was the first child to get married and wanted to make them happy.

    And then "having a say" can quickly cross the line into "pushy and manipulative," depending on the type of parent you're dealing with. I didn't have to deal with anything to the extent of the OP, but I had to deal with crap that sure wasn't easy sometimes. And that made me regret taking the help in some ways.

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    PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
    Re: Momzilla
    Posted: Oct 8, 2009 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

    I'm with MrsD on this. I also agree that we're not getting the whole story, but I've been in situations where people just do an about face, so to me that's not that surprising. Members of my family are great and others - not so much. I've seen them turn on each other like a pack of rabid jackals at the drop of a hat for no reason....

    The 'horrible' statement just made me scratch my head. And again I'm agreeing with the others - why would you ask them for help then?

     

     

     

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