Do you ever "give in"...

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 1:53 AM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

Delouis: Not to centre you out, but you mentioned something that a lot of people have mentioned before, so I feel like I want to comment on it...the scenerio where one partner turns down sex, and the other acts pissy and mad unless you give in...

...does no one else see a PROBLEM with that? I'm not talking about minor persuasion, but basically bullying someone into sex is WRONG. Even within a marriage...I don't think peopel should ever feel like they "have" to have sex...if they are okay with giving in, fine, but the idea that you should because otherwise the guy (or girl) will be mad at you just seems wrong....

As for the concerned posters..I have indeed talked to doctors. Only thing wrong is a tilted uterus, which CAN cause pain or discomfort...but when I was given sexual postions to use that are supposed to help...they didn't really.

Sometimes it's not uncomfortable, but at best, intercourse is "fine".

Other stuff can be great though :P
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

BL, I dont think this has anything to do with giving into sex. You can substitute sex for anything. Me, I am a pouter when I dnot get my way. if DH bitches about going to the grocery store w/ me when I really want him to, I get pissed off for example. DO I think I act childish? yes. But thats just how it goes sometimes. No one is going to want to do anything at anytime no matter what it is.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

"...does no one else see a PROBLEM with that? I'm not talking about minor persuasion, but basically bullying someone into sex is WRONG. Even within a marriage...I don't think peopel should ever feel like they "have" to have sex...if they are okay with giving in, fine, but the idea that you should because otherwise the guy (or girl) will be mad at you just seems wrong...."

It doesn't matter if we see something wrong with it. This is an issue (or non-issue) between a married couple. If any one person is willing to deal with this from a spouse, its no one else's business. And again, we all get mad once in a while if our spouse doesn't want to do something. Why would something as important as sex be an different?

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

"...does no one else see a PROBLEM with that? I'm not talking about minor persuasion, but basically bullying someone into sex is WRONG. Even within a marriage...I don't think peopel should ever feel like they "have" to have sex...if they are okay with giving in, fine, but the idea that you should because otherwise the guy (or girl) will be mad at you just seems wrong...."

No, what is wrong is deciding that the dynamics between another couple are wrong. Different people do different things. Various married people have various ways of communicating.

One might act pissy. Another might say "Hey, I'll give you a quarter if you...". Another might say "Hey, you know how you've been bugging me to fix the window in your mother's back bedroom?"

It's between the couple. So long as they come out of sex feeling happy and satisfied with themselves and each other, who cares how they get in there?

If someone were to say "I'm just as unhappy going in to the bedroom as I am coming out of the bedroom", then I'd say there is a problem.

IT'S LIKE ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE. You sometimes go along with things your spouse wants to do just because your spouse wants to do it. Ask a woman who cares little for football, watching the Super Bowl with her husband. Ask a man going to a chick flick with his wife, because it makes her happy.

Ask ME who has sat through hours and hours of the Antique Car Club meetings because my husband is an antique car nut and likes it when I go with him.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

...does no one else see a PROBLEM with that? I'm not talking about minor persuasion, but basically bullying someone into sex is WRONG. Even within a marriage...I don't think peopel should ever feel like they "have" to have sex...if they are okay with giving in, fine, but the idea that you should because otherwise the guy (or girl) will be mad at you just seems wrong....

Birdie, I understand your point...but have you ever been on the other end of the equation?

I have. DH was on medication for depression for about two years and barely had a sex drive. There were times when I felt like I was going to explode from being unable to release sexual tension - but more seriously, there were times when I (wrongly) felt that he wasn't attracted to me or that he didn't love me enough to 'give in.' Quite frankly, it sucked. And I understand why you're saying that bullying someone into sex is wrong, but is it any less wrong for the rejected partner to constantly feel unattractive or unloved?

The issue that we're both talking about isn't about giving in or not giving in or what's right and wrong - it's about couples figuring out how to have a sex life that's fulfilling for both people even when their sex drives aren't in sync. I agree with you that nobody should be coerced into having sex when they don't want to - but I also don't think that anybody should be frequently rejected. Whichever side of the equation you fall on, I think it's important to put yourself in your partner's shoes and compromise every now and then - even if that means occassionally having sex when you're not in the mood or not having sex when you are in the mood.

I'm sorry to hear that your tilted uterus makes sex less pleasant, but glad to hear that you're open to other ways of enjoying yourselves. Does your husband understand the issue? I would also be upset if DH was pressuring me for sex if it was painful for me, especially if I was willing to do other things.

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soontobeaBoden Posts : 8 Registered: 8/26/09
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 4:46 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I never "give in" because like a few of you, I never feel pressured. If I really don't feel like it I say, "I just don't feel like it. Sorry." and he respects that I may not feel like it at that particular moment.

We have sex pretty frequently though. I don't think he's ever been afraid that it's a "now or never" sort of situation and my saying "no thanks" one time doesn't mean that it's going to last forever.

I don't have many excuses though. The health benefits of sex have been proven time and time again. Even if I don't feel well, I'll always try sex as a cure. Ha!!!!
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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 6:12 PM Go to message in response to: soontobeaBoden

"No, what is wrong is deciding that the dynamics between another couple are wrong"

With all due respect, aunt (cause you KNOW I respect your opinions, always!) there are certain things that are just "wrong", and it is not a matter of opinion. Maybe not in this situation, but if I said "It's wrong to beat your wife", am I unfairly deciding the dynamics between another couple? I don't think so...sometimes judgements are fairly come by.

My problem with pressuring a partner into sex, is that sometimes there is a very fine line between consensual sex and assault, and I HATE the idea that some people (I'm sure no one on HERE) have that you "can't" rape a spouse. So maybe that's why I'm sensitive to fine lines.

I do admit that on occasion, I may take the "MY body, MY decision" thing to the extreme though.

I guess I also have trouble comparing sex to grocery shopping. Doing groceries doesn't give a part of myself to another person...so to ME, apples to oranges.

But I guess I'm the odd one out.

And to who asked...mostly my husband is understanding. I actually thought that antidepressants were harming my sex drive as well, but I haven't been on them in a year and things aren't better. I didn't get "pregnancy hornies" like most women seem to either, which I think was disappointing, hee hee. The IRONIC thing is that there was a few-month period where I actually, for once in my life, had a high libido...and during that time, my husband wasn't really into it. Talk about bad timing, eh? Almost like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Perhaps a kind of divine sense of humour.
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 8:56 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Birdie - I think spousal rape is one of the worst things that can happen. A good friend of my mother was raped repeatedly by her husband. He coerced her into sex by telling her he'd wake up their daughter for sex if she didn't give in. Men like him are repulsive.

Yes, hitting your wife is wrong. Yes, forcing your wife to have sex with you is wrong. What my mom's friend had done to her was force.To me that is different than a husband whining he wants to have sex. The wife still has a choice - she can have sex or she can listen to him bitch. It's not a good choice, but its still there.

I understand sex is a very emotional thing for you, and that's cool. Not everyone feels that way. For me, sex isn't always about feelings. Sometimes one of you just needs to get your jollies. Even if I wasn't in the mood initially, I still feel good knowing that I was able to give my husband pleasure.


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Edited by: Bride2008 on Oct 6, 2009 9:05 PM

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I agree that pouting is a really bad thing to do when a partner says no to sex. In my first life (ha ha) my husband would get mad if I said no and would pout forever. I would feel guilty and terrible. I also think it is wrong to withhold sex for power. I think maybe women are more likely to do this. For example, "I am pissed at my husband for not doing the dishes so I'm not giving him any tonight". That is just not a good idea.


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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

When I was in private practice I used to say this to my clients. "You are in control of your body and you should never do anything you don't want to do... married or not married." You are right, there is a big difference between being gently nudged or being bullied. It's an interesting topic because our Grandmothers were told it was their "duty" and that is how they viewed sex... or at least some women felt it was just their job. Modern women know that we have the right to say no. At least I hope we do. I want my nieces and stepdaughters to know they can say no regardless.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Rape definitely happens in marriages and it is just as horrible and unforgivable as rape of any other kind. Rape is rape. I've seen it, worked with women who have experienced it, and it isn't okay.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 2:25 AM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Bride: well, you're right, sex isn't emotional for everyone. But then again, I would put money on the fact that grocery shopping is NEVER a big emotional experience for most people...but I guess you never know :P

I might be reading into things that people on HERE aren't saying. I thought I was reading more of the "I HAVE to have sex with him, or he pouts". Not "I choose to because..." So I get my back up a bit about women (or men) feeling like they "have" do sexual things for a partner. So I apologize for making assumptions.

That said, I stand by my tangent because I re-read the orginal post (from a different forum) and people were definitely actually saying that. :)


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MrsDeLouis Posts : 167 Registered: 11/10/08
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 8:51 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Bird, I've always felt that this was a poor excuse to get what he wanted. Believe me there are times where I end up completely pissed at him for his pouting and continually pestering, and not giving up. I do have a problem with the way he acts, it is childish, and many times wrong. I also know that there are times when if he didn't push for it that really nothing would happen. I don't have much of a sex drive at all and haven't for almost 2 years now. Not completely sure what to chalk it up to but that's a whole other topic. Last night he came home in his "I'm after sex" mood and just wouldn't leave me alone. I had just gotten home from school and taking a statics test, from which I was just done. He kept pushing and I got really annoyed. Just because I was home early from class doesn't mean that anything has changed. I'm still just done for the evening. He started his being pissy crap and I just had enough and went to bed. Well apparently it's carried over to this morning as he's decided that he didn't really want to talk to me since he's hurt and feels like I'm ignoring him.

For us, the bottom line is this; I really could care less if I get it 3 times a week or once every two. One day I hope to regain a sex drive and maybe this whole issue will be corrected. Until that time, I just have to deal with the tantrums and give in when I do feel like it. Like you, I have the same issue with discomfort and I think that has a lot to do with the lack of desire. Since there really isn't a whole lot to do about that, I just have to live with it and hope that one day, he'll see things more on my side. He's rather clingy at times and he really is the more affectionate one in our relationship and has this need that I drop all else and pay complete attention to him. I'm not saying that he wants are ridiculous by any means, we all want all the attention focused on us at some time or another. Mine just goes about getting the attention focused on him in the wrong way sometimes and ends up with negative attention.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 9:24 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

"Bride: well, you're right, sex isn't emotional for everyone. But then again, I would put money on the fact that grocery shopping is NEVER a big emotional experience for most people...but I guess you never know :P"

Grocery shopping isn't an emotional experience. That is my point exactly. Some people can have sex without it being about love. Just like I can go buy cereal without have an emotional attachment to the Cheerios.

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Do you ever "give in"...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Birdie, I like you, I do. But I think you need to get your head out of the clouds here. Great for you that sex is this fireworks love fest whenever you do do it with your husband. But just b/c that is what goes on in YOUR marriage doesn't mean it goes on for everyone else. Just like some of us "giving in" (in your terms) goes on in our marriages.

I just cannot believe that you NEVER get upset when your husband tells you 'no' about something and vice versa. Like I said before, EVERYONE can get pouty over anything. And if you expect your spouse to go along with whatever you say all the time, and vice versa THAT to me is kinda weird. I wouldn't want DH "yessing" me to death b/c he thinks I might get mad at him over anything. I want my DH to feel like he can stand up for himself and I am comfortable enough with my marriage to feel like I can make my own decisions as well. If I dont wannt do something, I say no, or I think about it and make a compromise. It's not fair to say no to your spouse repeatedly if it's something important to the other person. Sex, grocery shopping, visiting family, picking pumpkins...etc.

I think comparing it to rape is mildy offensive to any person who ACTUALLY WAS raped. If I were, i"d be upset thinking you just accused my HUSBAND of raping me once a month.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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