Break up...

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mikesangel4lf Posts : 26 Registered: 4/11/09
Break up...
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 9:57 PM

On Sunday my fiance and I decided to take a "break" in our relationship. We had been planning to move to Lawton, OK to start a new life after being screwed over in CA. He said he would get there and send money back for me to follow later. Well we talked and he was like "I am enjoying my freedom and not having someone on my back all the time telling me what to do and how to spend my money. We both have to grow up some and the thought of getting married and taking care of your kid scares me." During his stint in the Army we had some rough patches and went our seperate ways twice. I thought this time would be good but... well anyway. He then said he didn't want to hurt me by dumping me while he was so far away again. I decided that I would let him go then and we broke up. He asked me if it was over over or trial over. I asked him what he wanted and he said trial over so I agreed. I am hurting and wondering if I did the right thing. Do you think there is any hope left? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks ladies.

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Edited by: mikesangel4lf on Oct 6, 2009 9:57 PM


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Break up...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 3:00 AM Go to message in response to: mikesangel4lf

Frankly, based on the comments you wrote, I think he's an ass. So yes, I absolutely think you did the right thing.

A few thoughts come to mind:

1. He's trying to put all of the blame on you (you nag him about money, you are always on his back, etc). Someone who actually cares about another person does not break up with them and tell them this. Even the biggest loser I've dated wasn't unkind in his breakup.

2. You have a child. He doesn't want the responsibility. Fine. But orginally, he was fine with it...willing to get married. What if you get back together, and he changes his mind again? You need stability with a child, not a flake. Also, the fact that he said "YOUR kid" definitely sends a red glad that he isn't ready to accept your son in any way as his own. Not good.

3. He wants to "have his cake and eat it to". He wants to live the single life, date around, have his freedom, but still wants to know that his future may be secure. I think he sounds very immature and no where NEAR willing to settle down. I think you will end up waiting a very, very long for him to "come around".

So I think his breakup should be a permanent one. Who knows, maybe knowing that will make him shape up. And maybe it won't. I think you are far better off without him, though.

But I know it's going to hurt. And I know everything I've written is easier for a stranger to see than someone in the middle of it, and I know that breaking up is easier said that done (emotion-wise). So big hugs to you.
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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Break up...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 8:53 AM Go to message in response to: mikesangel4lf

You deserve so much more. There are really, yes really, good men out there. I am so glad you have decided not to settle. Now get out there girlfriend and make a great life for yourself! I am very proud of you and your courage.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer  



ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Break up...
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 12:04 PM Go to message in response to: mikesangel4lf

Yeah, I think you totally did the right thing. He, at least, is not ready for a committed relationship, let alone a marriage. And there's nothing wrong with that. Better that he confessed his feelings now than after the wedding.

As for whether you should stick around, that's up to you - but there's a lot of potential for you to be very badly hurt if you do. From the sound of your post, you are ready to settle down and he is not yet ready to give up single life. Wait if you want, but know that you might be waiting for a long time.
Personally, I would not. I would not want to be with someone who treats 'forever' so casually that he is willing to get engaged before thinking it out. These feelings should have come out before the engagement.

This isn't just cold feet. This is him seriously not being ready for marriage. I don't know about you, but I expect my marriage to be permanent. Clearly, this man doesn't share that view, if he was willing to get engaged when he felt the way he's told you. If he felt that marriage is forever, why would he consider marriage if he's happier without you? I would not want to be with someone who doesn't share my feelings on the seriousness of marriage. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

I can understand a little nervousness after getting engaged, but if someone proposed to me (or said yes if I asked) when he felt this way, I'd be done with the relationship. It would be clear to me that I take marriage more seriously than he does - and that's not something that's likely to change over time. He might get over wanting to be single again, but that won't change the fact that he seriously considered marriage when he was TOTALLY not ready. If you believe that your marriage will last until death, I wouldn't marry a man who was willing to jump into it so unprepared. That's a recipe for failure.

In any case, I'm very sorry that your relationship has ended and I hope that you have the strength to do the right thing.

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Break up...
Posted: Oct 9, 2009 9:28 AM Go to message in response to: mikesangel4lf

Girl, I know that you're hurting now but you did the right thing. You should try to redirect your focus from him, to yourself and your baby. Start bettering yourself, you already have by getting rid of him, so you've got a great start! That was a big step, but it's for the better.
Goodluck & come to the forums if you're having a down moment! We're here for you.


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