Cold feet or more?

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 8:43 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I know that with time your scars will heal and you will be happy again. I'm glad you are going back home to be with your family and friends. They will be the ones to help you heal. I wish you the best.
                              

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 9:08 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I think that you made a very brave decision and I truly hope that everything works out best for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but in time you will be able to move forward and find the man that you are meant to be with forever. And when he's the right one, he'll run towards the altar just as fast as you!!

 

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Good for you! I know right now this is the probably the hardest thing you have gone through in your life, but I guarantee you later in life you will know this was the best decision you ever made.

"When written in Chinese the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, the other represents opportunity". John F Kennedy. Congratulations weidertt on choosing opportunity.

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

You've made a very difficult decision, and it probably feels like nothing could hurt anymore than this, but as cliché as it is, it will fade. At 23 I thought I was with the man that I would marry, and 5 years later, looking back I can't imagine how miserable I'd have been if I'd "found a way to make it work" rather than recognizing that not everything should be fixed.

Enjoy your time back home!

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Dear Wieder,

"I have booked a flight home to be with my family, so hopefully I'll get some "me" time and figure out what I want to do."

I truly believe you are doing the right thing.

I am 55, and have been around for a long time. I have seen people go through these kinds of cycles. I have see the "ever-after".

I have seen couples get married when one or the other had cold feet. The marriages don't usually last. Whatever was the issue before the ceremony continues to be an issue after the ceremony.

And, yes, it's going to cost you a lot of money. Pfft. Your own serenity and peace of mind are worth millions. You will go home, put things back together and be stronger than ever before.

"On one hand I hope he chases me home and realizes how big of a mistake he made, "

That just proves you are normal. Just think of all those people who go to high school class reunions hoping that they will be so gorgeous, so sexy, so successful that all those unrequited loves will kick themselves for letting such a great person get away. Normal. We all think that.

In reality? I think he won't realize the mistake until he's grown up and realizes what he lost. It doesn't sound like he's planning on growing up any time soon. Close this chapter in your life as best you can, learn your lessons, and carry on. Put yourself in situations where you can meet nice, grownup, adult, marriage-minded men.

Have you ever seen the movie Bye Bye Birdie? Ann-Margret sings a great song that starts like this:

"There are men; with childhood behind them."

That's who you want. A man with childhood behind him.

I truly truly think you are doing the right thing.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 2, 2009 2:11 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt...is that the same song that goes "We got a lot of living to do"

That whole song sends a good message.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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weidertt Posts : 6 Registered: 9/30/09
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 3, 2009 9:23 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Right now I am at home and am miserable. I know you all think i was strong, but now I feel weak. I just want the life we had planned together. I'm currently hoping he calls and says he wants to work things out, even if it is a compromise of counseling.

And here s a bump in things. His parents ARE getting their divorce. We just found out a few days ago. With that said, of course marriage is scary! He looked up to his parents marriage like crazy, he thought it was perfect. He was devestated when he found out at first, and he was devestated over the whole thing, he never really let it go that divorce happens.

I know I'm weak, but I've never been so sure of what I want in my life.

I want the life we had planned back, I want him to be the husband and father I know he can be, and I want us.

I might be stupid, but I can't help but feel that sometimes relationships have good times and bad times, this is obviously the bad, but you have to work through those things.

The decision I need to know that he makes, is whether he's scared of marriage, or he knows I'm not "the girl" for him....

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 3, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Oh hang in there girl! These are very normal feelings that you are having. I know right now your unhappiness feels overwhelming and that if he called and tried to work it out it would bring temporary relief. Its almost like when someone stops an addiction like smoking. There is an itial rush when its first accomplished and then reality sets in. I am sure initially it would feel wonderful, but after the rush you would still have many, many doubts about your choice and his as well.

I know its very hard to give up the idea of the life you planned together, but you didn't give up, he did. Whether his fears come from watching his parents divorce or thinking maybe you aren't the one, is that really good enough for you?

It sounds like he has a lot to work through. This might be a bit harsh but if he isn't mature enough to deal with his parents divorce then he isn't mature enough to get married. My parents divorced when I was 19 and although I thought they should get a divorce as opposed to your former fiance being devastated it still had an impact on me. The difference between being an adult whose parents are getting divorced and being a child is that adult has a much better understanding of the situation and more control. An adult can doesn't have to decide which parent to live with, they can drive themselves to visit either parent, and they know the divorce has nothing to do with them. I am not saying it isn't upsetting but it definitely is not as life altering. Life is very unpredictable and you need a partner who can deal with these life issues. It just sounds like he isn't ready.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 3, 2009 9:20 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Dear Weider,

"Right now I am at home and am miserable. I know you all think i was strong, but now I feel weak."

I think you are a normal person who has had a psychic shock.

Shock is a good thing, actually. It cushions us when the actual blow comes, then releases as we become better able to handle things. I'd say you are coming out of shock and the real pain is beginning to set in.

You are now with your family. I don't know your family dynamics, but I'm hoping that you have a loving, secure support system in your family. Use it to get back on your feet, again.

I know you want it to all go back to the way it was, but that is not possible. The way it was has died. That path is gone. Now it's important to realistically look at what is possible for your future.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 3:42 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry. But you know that you can't have that life back, right? It's gone, and will never be the same. And if you start calling HIM and asking questions, you'll never know what his true feelings are (ie if he recanted out of guilt)

Please try to wait it out. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. At least you'll have your answer.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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