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Cold feet or more?

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weidertt Posts : 6 Registered: 9/30/09
Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 5:24 AM

My Fiance and I are both 24 years old, going on 25. We took on alot over the last six months. We moved ACROSS the country, started new jobs, go engaged in Feb, and are having an October wedding.

He has always been nervous about getting married, but he in the end he seemed ok with it. He's never said, "OMG I'm so excited to be married." But he has always joked that he's scared to get married.

About 3 months before the wedding I sat him down and explained that we can cancel. Its not too late. But he said, "no", he's ready to get married.

Sure enough he went on a two week business trip that had him out every night partying, and hanging out with 22 year olds who don't want to get married now and sure enough he no longer wants to get married right now.

Its three weeks before the wedding. I'm devestated, humiliated, and rejected. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but he has to be honest with me in telling me he has cold feet. He says he loves me, still wants to get married to me someday, but is just not ready right now.

His parents almost got a divorce this summer and that really freaked him out, but they are now good to go.

We have the same goals/dreams/ everything. And I know deep down he might be scared, but he is ready and he wants to start a life together. But when we sit down and talk about marriage he has a completely scewed point of view. The man thinks marriage is what you do when your ready to start a family. Which we are not. So his excuse for not wanting to get married is he doesn't want to start a family. I've told him several times nothing will change or be different after we get married, except I will have his last name, and we'll do our taxes together.

At this point his only solution is to have us cancel the wedding and postpone it for one year. I asked if he will be ready then, and he says he's not sure. So he wants to postpone and still date me and take the chance of breaking my heart again next year. He is so selfish.

I am devestated and not sure what to do. I know I refuse to postpone it for a year. I moved across the country and a 10 hour flight from my family for this man who proposed to me before the move and said he was ready. Then sure enough this is what happens.

Please any advice is helpful. I don't know how to convince him that nothing will change.

florida , october_2009
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 9:16 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

You are going to get a lot of advice on this one sweetie, and I want you to listen carefully to what people say. The ladies on this forum are wise and they don't want to hurt you, but they will tell you the truth. My heart feels very sad for you. I imagine you feel very alone right now. I would feel rejected. It's important to know, however, that this isn't about you. It isn't because you are not worthy of being married, it's his issue. And he does have an issue.

To get married right now would most likely be a huge mistake. It's time for you to evaluate what you are willing to wait for (if you are willing to wait) and make plans to either stay with him or go. Take your time in making this decision. You don't have to decide this today, tomorrow, or next week. Now is the time for you to do some serious soul searching. Does that make sense?

The bottom line is, he is not ready to make a commitment to you. He may say it is about starting a family, but that is an excuse. He just isn't ready. And he may never be. But if I may say this....

God knows what he is doing. Things happen for a reason. Things happen in God's time in God's way. I know that is hard to accept now, but you will one day look back and realize it is true.

Hugs, Francie Elaine

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florida , october_2009 , north_carolina
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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Well considering what has recently happened to me I am going to give some advice to you....

If he is backing out now he is obviously not ready to be married. You may think it is just because he is worried our nervous or scared... And that may be. But no matter what the reason, the fact is he is not ready. I know that is heart breaking. Trust me. I do beyond many people. One day you will see that him walking out from the wedding even just three weeks before is better than him going through with something he really wasn't ready for.

Ask yourself this... Do you really want to feel like he married you just because it was too late to back out? Or would you rather be able to say, well even though he didn't make the decision until three weeks before he did what was right for him. I know its selfish. It hurts. Its not fair. I promise you I understand all of these feelings. But, in the end I think it is much better that he did this now than to have married you and not been ready. You can blame it on whatever you want but in the end it is how he really feels about your marriage that matters. A marriage can't work when one person really isn't ready for that commitment.

As we grow older, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change about me, I will keep falling in love with you all over again every single day

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virginia , florida , october_2009
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I'm not going to tell you it doesn't suck because it does. BUT if he's not ready then the BEST thing he can do is NOT marry you.

What you have to decide is - are you willing to wait for him to decide if he will be ready?

And no one can tell you if you should or shouldn't wait. It has to be your decision.

But to go into a marriage not wanting it or not sure if you want it is a SURE recipe for disaster.

 

 

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I don't know how to convince him that nothing will change.

That's because he's right; things will change. Once you get married, you do start a family, even if it's a family of two.

When you get married (and I am, for two years now) you put an obligation to put the other person first. You want to party all night? You don't, because doing so will make you really tired the next day, and the next day your wife wants to spend the day with you doing some shopping and maybe going to a movie. Want to spend $1,000 on a big screen TV? Well, you should check with your wife first, because it's her money, too, and maybe it's smarter for you to put that money towards a future goal, like a house or a trip to Europe. Want to take a new job across the country? Well, you need to think about what kind of consequences that will have for your partner, if she's got a good, thriving job here.

Is he ready for that? Can he be relied upon to think of you when making these kinds of decisions? He is behaving selfishly, and you seem to be saying to him, it's okay, you can still be selfish, as long as we get married. Don't push him. He needs to do this free of resentment, or it will just end in a disaster.

It sound, frankly, like he's just not willing yet to grow up. And that's okay, we all have different schedules. It doesn't make him a bad person.

But it doesn't make him a person you should pledge another year of your life to, either. I say break up. Life is short, and it's too short to spend time with someone who isn't on the same timeline with you.

Good luck. This is tough.

__________________________________________

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Dear Weider,

Call off the wedding.

No one should get married unless they are positive they want to do it. It's very difficult to break an engagement and call off a wedding, but please believe me it is much more difficult (financially, emotionally, physically, legally) to go through a short marriage and then a subsequent divorce.

Here is my suggested action plan.

Immediately cancel everything. Get whatever deposits you can get back, then just lose the rest. Tell your friends and family that the wedding is off.

Next, consider what you will do with regards to your boyfriend. (He is a boyfriend, by now, not a fiancé.) Are you willing to hang around waiting for him to change his mind? If so, how long?

I know of people who have waited months, years, decades for their SigOther to decide they are finally "ready" to get married. How long are you willing to wait?

Think, carefully, within the privacy of your own mind. Set yourself a private known-to-you-only deadline. That's the point where you will move on with your life and towards your own goals if BF is still vaccillating. There's no need to announce this date to anyone, least of all BF. It will sound like an ulitmatum. "Marry me by 2011 or we're through!"). Nope, it's a promise you make to yourself.

Be loving and supportive but if Deadline Day comes and goes and you're still hearing "Oh, gee, I'm not ready yet.", then it's time for you to move out into your own place, perhaps move back to the place your family lives, and hang around in places where you are likely to meet nice, marriage-minded men.

People whose Life Goal is to get married should get married.
People whose Life Goal is to not get married should not get married.
People who are unsure of their Life Goal in regards to marriage should not get married. Yet.
People who have radically different Life Goals should not stay together. The relationship becomes the dreaded Perpetual Engagement, which is far short of a Life Goal of actual marriage.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I think it's time to move on with your life. He is not ready for the next step and you are. He is not ready to settle down and you are. He wants to party with other women and you don't want to party with other men. He says he wants to wait a year (probably to party) and you don't want to wait a year. You deserve so much more than to wait for a man that probably will not be ready in a year to get married. You have 2 choices: to wait a year and probably end up getting hurt. Or you can move "back home" to your family and start a new life and find a man that will want to be with you. It sounds like he needs a lot of growing up to do and he needs to find himself. It's good that you two didn't go through with the marriage because it would have ended up in divorce. It just sounds like he isn't happy. If he was happy with you he would go through with the marriage. That's just my opinion. I hope things work out for you.


                              

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florida , october_2009 , connecticut , october_2010
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 1:45 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Well be glad this is coming to a head now. If you still go through with this, you are going to start your marriage off, already having problems. And that is never good. I agree with everything MsD said (shocker, I know) but things DO change when you get married for the exact reasons she mentioned. And I remember when I was engaged thinking "wow, I can never just up and move to India, now could i?" Nope, b/c I doubt DH wouild wanna move there and I couldn't just up and leave my husband for my OWN needs. Thats not how it works when you get married. There is a ton to think about.

A few months ago I was having the same feelings your FH seems to be having now. Only I am already married. Just b/c you get married doesn't mean you're never going to look back on single life and wish for a second your life was still like that. That is totally normal. Luckily I have an extremely understanding DH who was willing to let me be my "old" self (within reason) for a minute til I got it out of my system. Now had we NOT been married and I was going through all that, I am not sure he should have stayed with me, and I don't think I would hav stayed with him either. It was ROUGH and it still is. Going through all these emotions and sticking by the other person, is HARD especially knowing that, maybe if you were just dating, you could head for the hills.

When you sign up for marriage you sign up for always sticking by the other person, so that is a HUGE change. I'm just sayin.....

I also don't think you should be "talking him into" anything. Because that is only going to make him resent you in the end. I am sorry that you are going through this, and none of us can tell you what to do, but I think you should be glad you are finding out all this NOW and not 6 months or a year from now.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , florida , october_2009 , central_new_jersey
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 8:23 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

First, I'm sorry things happened this way and that he waited so long after first telling you he was fine when YOU mentioned calling off/postponing. However, I also totally agree with MsD, and believe that waiting will only hurt you more. I am very sorry, but honestly, it would be worse if he married you and you discovered this 3 months, 6 months a year or more down the road, and what if you already were pregnant (accidentally or not) by then? Marriage is a family without kids, it's you and your husband, and when I got married, chose to get married, it was because I wanted my future with my husband and that was more important to me than doing some of the things I previously thought about doing once my kids were grown, like the peace corps or amnesty volunteer, or whatever. I chose to marry him because he is who I want my future with, but that also means I live in denver. For me, it's more than worth it, but it just sounds like there are so many things that your boyfriend would not find worth it with you, or potentially anyway, each of which would just hurt all over again, each time.

You deserve FAR better than that in a husband, and following ms d's advice allows you to free yourself now, rather than later, so you can experience anything that your life has to offer when it happens. good luck, and again, I am so sorry this happened the way that it did, and at all. It sucks, and it hurts, and eventually, with time, it won't feel quite so bad and finally will just be a memory/story. Not being callous, cause I fully understand what it's like now, but in time, it will fade. I wish you all the best.

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march_2007 , october_2008 , florida , october_2009 , central_new_jersey
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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 8:34 PM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I know a girl who is in year 9 of a relationship where marriage has been discussed for years. Their situation is a bit different in that the reasons/excuses on his part are family pressure over religion. However, they've been "discussing" for at least 5 years now when they'd get married, her waiting, him stalling. And finally, at the end of year 8 she issued the ultimatum that they needed to be engaged by the end of summer 2009 or else she was leaving.

Guess what...summer's over and nothing's changed. He's still not willing to rock the family religious boat and she's finally facing the reality of the situation. Except she's wasted the last 4 or 5 years coming to this conclusion.

So my advice echoes what you've already heard:
1) Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Be angry, sad, depressed, whatever you feel. And let it all out.
2) Then be grateful that you know this now instead of after the wedding
3) Move back home, surround yourself with friends and family who love you
4) Take some time with no contact between you and your BF and evaluate how you feel and what you want to do.

Good luck.



~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Sep 30, 2009 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

Dear Agape,

"I know a girl who is in year 9 of a relationship where marriage has been discussed for years. "

I know plenty of people like that. They go on and on and on, calling each other "fiancé and fiancée" in a perpetual engagement, but never actually tying the knot. I once worked with a woman who actually bought and kept a wedding dress for over five years, "waiting".

If that's what you want, and that's what the other person wants, then great, you are made for each other.

But if one wants marriage and the other wants foot-dragging, then the marriage-minded person eeds to break up and move on.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 2:50 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm so sorry, sweetie. That must be really devastating.

As for advice...I will point this out to you: if you honestly believe that his friends opinions (or just hanging around other guys who aren't ready to be married) helped to change his mind, then he's not ready to be a GROWN up let alone married.

In the long (perhaps long long long run) this will turn out to be a good thing. But that won't stop it from hurting so much right now.
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weidertt Posts : 6 Registered: 9/30/09
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 4:54 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Thank you all for your advice.

Although it is really, really hard and scary for me, I have decided to break up with him. Marriage is something I really want, and I decided if he's not willing to try our relationship in a marriage for a year (like he wants me to hang around for a year to see if he is ready next year), then its not meant to be. He's ALREADY given up on our relationship before the wedding has started.

I told him that our marriage could never last with him being so negative. We've always had a strong relationship, but obviously its not going to last so it is better in the long run to break up.

I have booked a flight home to be with my family, so hopefully I'll get some "me" time and figure out what I want to do.

On one hand I hope he chases me home and realizes how big of a mistake he made, but on the other, this situation has left scars, not just scratchs. I don't think I'll be able to ever forgive him. Especially because I moved across the country, and right now I'm trying to figure out how much its going to cost to move everything back, plus I gave away alot of my old home furnishings. I really fucked myself over trusting this marriage bit.

florida , october_2009
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weidertt Posts : 6 Registered: 9/30/09
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 4:57 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

Whats funny too, is my fiance started to have cold feet, but then would say, "no wait, I'm on board, I wanna get married". But I could tell he didn't so I tried to call it off, and even then he kept saying no lets do this.

Men are so hard to deal wth.

florida , october_2009
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Cold feet or more?
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 8:22 AM Go to message in response to: weidertt

I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. You are showing strength and courage. I hope my three daughters will become the strong woman you have become. Please take good care of yourself. You will survive this.

"She didn't just survive.... she became".

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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florida , october_2009 , north_carolina
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