BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

Finances are a common reason for us ladies waiting for a proposal. I think that it's responsible of our men to wait until their financially capable of getting us the ring that they want us to wear for the rest of ourselves & start planning a wedding. Weddings are expensive, small or large. I'd rather wait it out than have to worry about bills piling up because we can't afford to get engaged.
Just be patient & when he is ready, financially & emotionally, all will come together.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

I agree with your boyfriend. While you may have been together for a while and be emotionally ready to get engaged, it doesn't sound like you're ready for marriage, yet. Marriage isn't just about loving someone. It's about the reality of having a life together. When you're still in school and have no money, jobs, or independent adult lives, you have nothing to offer one another except for love. Love is important, but it's not enough to make a marriage last. Do yourselves a favor and wait until you're able to stand on your own two feet.

As far as the long engagement idea goes, I also agree with your boyfriend. To me, an engagement is time to plan a wedding. Wearing a ring on your finger and calling one another 'fiance' for two years before you start taking steps towards actually getting married doesn't change anything - except that you'd have a ring on your finger and call one another fiance. In this, I totally agree with your BF - I just don't see the point.

You mentioned that you want to have a long engagement so that you'll have a long time to get ideas and do research on weddings. What's stopping you, now? You don't need a ring on your finger to buy bridal magazines or google 'wedding etiquette.' Heck, you don't even need a ring to book a venue, plan a wedding, or even to walk down the aisle. So if you want to start researching wedding stuff, knock yourself out. Just don't let it distract you from what should be your first priority right now: finishing your education.

I know it sucks to have been with someone for a long time, but the time is still not right for engagement or marriage. Believe me, I know. DH and I dated for 7 years before we got engaged. I know that society puts pressure on couples to get married after 3-4 years - but heck, it wasn't my fault I met my spouse when I was young and I had things that needed to be done in my own life (such as my education) that were more important than being on society's 'schedule.' We're no less married now than we would have been 5 years ago - but if we had gotten engaged or married back then, we would have comprised our futures. I don't for a minute believe that I would be where I am right now if we'd gotten engaged or married back then. Things get in the way, and when you're married, you have other priorities. And I would secretly resent my husband for keeping me from having the opportunities I otherwise would have had. Believe me, it's much better this way.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

Finances are a common reason for us ladies waiting for a proposal. I think that it's responsible of our men to wait until their financially capable of getting us the ring that they want us to wear for the rest of ourselves & start planning a wedding.

Being able to afford the ring isn't the biggest issue for men. Most men do not want to propose if they are incapable of supporting a family. It's a matter of male pride - this is ingrained in them. A lot of women, particularly younger women, look at engagement, weddings, and marriage as separate things, to be considered one at a time. Most men look at them all as one commitment, which is a much better way of looking at it. So it wouldn't make sense to many men to propose before they could afford a wedding, or to have a wedding before they could support a family. The OP is looking at it from a totally different point of view - she's saying, 'get engaged first, and then worry about the wedding later'. He can't separate them (and also probably can't separate either from the marriage), so they're not in agreement. Personally, I think he sounds wise and the OP should listen to him.

I'll also point out that most men take pride in being able to provide for their family. This is a strong inground tradition that goes back to our roots as a species. While most men worth marrying understand and accept that women are just as capable of 'bringing home the bacon' as they are, it is still a matter of pride to them to be able to contribute. Thus, a man without a job might not want to get engaged until he finds one, even though his girlfriend makes plenty of money. She might think he's insane when he cites finances as the reason for the delay - but to him, it's a valid reason.

Anyway - I just wanted to point out that it's not just about being able to afford an impressive ring or a fancy wedding. For many men, it's about the future marriage and whether or not he thinks he can support his future family.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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FoundTrueLove Posts : 54 Registered: 8/18/09
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 3:29 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

let me just say, i really understand where you're coming from. when my boyfriend and I first discussed getting married (last year) my immediate thought was oooo i'd love to be engaged!!! but then i realized that if we got engaged at that the point, we'd still have 2 years left of school and marriage would have been 3 years off. i know its really hard (i mean, who doesnt want that ring on your finger?) but, taking emotion out of it, its just a lot easier to wait. now that we've waited until this year (actual proposal will be a surprise sometime this year. he hasnt popped the quesiton as of yet), when he finally does i can actually start planning since we'll be graduating and the wedding will be in the summer of 2011. we won't have deal with waiting ages because of school. so let your bf propose at his own time. it'll work out much better.

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DaZzLiNgSaGg23 Posts : 12 Registered: 1/17/08
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 26, 2009 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...


Dont kept pushing the subject. Just make it known you do want to further the relationship by getting married one day. As long as he knows it and your relationship cont. to grow it will happen naturally.



CoolXoxO Faith and HappinessSmile

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AlyssaMarie Posts : 32 Registered: 1/3/09
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Sep 28, 2009 7:15 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

You should let him do his own thing, pushing him into an engagement is not the right way to go just be patient and enjoy being together.

And trust me long engagements kind of suck, i got engaged in march and we not getting married until november of 2012 because i am still in school and i would like to have a job and place to live before we tie the knot. And even though i know it the most responsible thing to do however i just want to plan everything right now and i cant because in 3 years everything is going to change. So just enjoy the threads and chill out while your bf makes his next move and don't push because it may be sooner than you think.


"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

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FLHorseGirl Posts : 2 Registered: 6/15/09
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Oct 2, 2009 12:53 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

I have to agree with pretty much everyone else here - don't push him. Unfortunately, I've seen where that can lead. After about 5 years of dating and watching all of my friends (and my younger sister!) get engaged/married, I was tired of waiting. I pushed and pushed until he proposed in October of 2000. We set a date for May 2002...and he called the whole thing off that February. He had waited that long to tell me he didn't really want to get married. I had a $1200 gown I never even got to try on, my parents lost thousands in deposits, and my relatives ate nonrefundable plane tickets. I was beyond devastated, but made the decision to call of the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. Eight years of my youth down the drain... I just wish he had been honest before the engagement.

On the flip side, my FI told me he wanted to marry me the first week we were together! We waited, though, and are getting married November 21, nearly 6 YEARS after we met, and 2 years after we got engaged

The point? If it's meant to be, it will happen!!!

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klmhek Posts : 27 Registered: 9/23/09
Re: BF Doesn't Want to get Engaged!
Posted: Oct 15, 2009 12:05 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsCalabr...

I know how you feel.. I wanted to be engaged sooooo bad. I finally go the ring and I was beyond excited! I have two years of school left and both of us knew that we would wait unti I was at least almost done with school before we got married. So right now I'm engaged and don't feel like it! Although we do have a date set, there are very few things that I can actually do. Its too early to pick a wedding party, dress, etc because Lord knows I'll change my mind in a year and a half. So right now I'm stuck!

It sounds kind of like you just want the ring for the moment, and not the planning, which I completely understand because I wanted that ring BAD (not in a materialistic way.. I just wanted to be engaged!) but it wears off after a while. Especially when everyone you talk to asks "Have you chosen a date yet?" or "When are you getting married?" or "How's the planning going?" and you really don't have an answer for it..

So as much as I understand how badly you want this, I do have to say I agree with your boyfriend.. Its no fun being engaged when you can't feel like a bride-to-be!

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