Everyones favorite subject...

Online Users: 1,269 guest(s), 5 user(s). Replies: 25


FMrsJG Posts : 77 Registered: 2/21/08
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 4:25 AM Go to message in response to: August28th

wow, i wont lie i was a bit pissed when i read this but then again FH is in the military and this is the lifestyle that i'm not chosing (i chose a man, his career just happened to be a military). i would never chose this lifestyle but honestly i fell in love with HIM, not his job. yes i will admit i cannot wait to be under his health care and all that...b/c i struggle. i have 3 jobs, 2 of them full time and i still cant pay off a medical bill from February, even WITH health insurance. yes the security is great and i cant wait to not have to work 3 jobs to pay off those type of bills....but its NOT why I am marrying him. I look at life as the military does not RUN my life and i try my best not to plan my life around it. yes things happen, deployments are a pain and things will come up but as a military spouse its not about rearrange your life to fit the military...its about ADAPTING to situations. have i spent an anniversary or valentines or heck a bday with FH?! no i haven't....do i have a choice? no but i dont sit around letting it control me. i adapt to the new situation.

as far as wedding...i personaly refuse to have a JOP altho there are MANY times i'm ready to just get it over with and become his wife. and yes if we did it, we could get the house we really want and more money and it will help me a TON benefit wise. why dont i do it? b/c i want my family there. I want those close to me to see me marry the man that I love. but i will not lie.. if FH gets orders to another base.....you bet I will be standing there in the JOP getting married to him. why? b/c i love him. b/c i'm having to adapt to a new situation...a new state, and a new country and I want to be by his side supporting him, living my life with him. honest to God, if FH was to be sent to Iraq or Afgan....I'd want to marry him before he leaves. Why b/c IF ANYTHING did happen...and he was to die. I'd be happy and content knowing that I at least got to marry him and be his wife at one point in time, even for just a day. That I'd be Mrs. G at one point and at one point in my life...I was married to the man that I loved with all my heart. To the person who I care about. Not for the money, but b/c I dont want to live with regrets if something should happen.

if when he comes back, they want to celebrate, then they have every right to celebrate. and if thats what you're caught up about then maybe we should just ban all vow renewals while we're at is well. i mean hell why need to celebrate 50 yrs of marriage? they already got their wedding 50 yrs ago...i sure wasnt invited to that, so why this 50 yr anny?! common, is that really rational or irrational? plus in the end....what is really the point of a wedding/vow renewal?

TO CELEBRATE THE LOVE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE.

dont support them...thats your fault. not theirs.

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 8:45 AM Go to message in response to: FMrsJG

Point well taken. I admire you for your strength and determination. Everything you said makes total sense.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: bride4life

She got married so quick because he was going to be deployed to Iraq. I have known lots and lots of people (since I am in a military family) that do this because if something were to happen to the spouse over seas....the spouse here can have the life insurance and other things.....Which really makes me think that you are quickly getting married for possible financial gain. Your gambling on the death of your spouse.

I haven't read any of the other responses yet, so I'm going to assume that someone has informed you that there are many reasons other than life insurance why many servicepeople and their partners choose to get married before a deployment.

As for the idea that they are "gambling on the death of their spouse", that's ridiculous and unfair. DH and I are civilians, but we each have a substantial life insurance policy. Does that mean we're gambling on each others' deaths? Of course not. It means that we're being realistic and planning for the worst-case scenario. Neither of us plan to die until we're old - but things happen, and if something were to happen to one of us, we would want the other person to be able to live comfortably. We're not gambling on our deaths or planning for financial gain - we're protecting our spouse in the event that one of us should die unexpectedly.

As for whether or not to attend the wedding, I see no reason to treat it any differently than any other wedding reception. That said, I do not automatically attend every wedding that I'm invited to. I think about it and decide whether I want to attend and want to spend the money associated with attending. In this case, it would probably depend on how close I was to my cousin. If she and I are close, I would want to meet the man that she's married regardless of how long they've been married. If I never see or talk to her, I probably wouldn't care. If it was local and I didn't have other plans that night, I'd probably attend. If attending involved a long trip and time off from work, I'd be less likely to go. It's really up to you, but personally, I wouldn't treat it any differently than any other wedding reception. I'd go if I could and wanted to - if not, then I'd decline.

As for whether or not to bring a gift, it's up to you. I would - but that's me. I might not spend as much as I normally would on a wedding gift, but I would definitely give them something.

Really, it's up to you. If you're offended that you didn't get to see the ceremony, then don't go. If you don't care and can easily attend, then I see no reason not to go.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 9:44 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

It wasnt a "secret" --- they just didnt advertise it or invite anyone.

I thought it was a little weird that the OP made a big deal out of the fact that the cousin didn't send announcements. So what? Doesn't big news spread via word of mouth?

We didn't invite everyone we knew to our wedding, and we didn't send out announcements to those who weren't invited. I hope none of them think that we were trying to 'hide' our marriage from them. We simply got married and didn't invite them. If they talk to us or ask someone we know about us occassionally, they found out quickly. If they haven't talked to us or anyone we know in the year that we were engaged and the year and a half that we've been married, they probably aren't close enough to us for us to bother finding their address to send them an announcement. The point is that a lot of people see no reason to send announcements when news spreads easily through word of mouth.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thank you, Francine Elaine



I am afraid this post is being hijacked and has turned into my dislick of quicky military weddings before deployment and that is not the truth.

My question was about the party 1 1/2 years after the marriage.

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: bride4life

Sorry - I didn't think I was hijacking. I simply responded to your original post with my thoughts.

To address the issue of having a reception a year and a half later, I still wouldn't have a problem with it. As I said above, I'd treat it the same way as any other wedding reception.

I would have a problem with it if they lied to their guests and made it seem like they weren't married yet - but it doesn't sound like that's what is going on. They're simply having a reception later on to celebrate their existing marriage. There's nothing wrong with that, in my book. If it was local, I would attend without second thoughts. I know you mentioned in another post that the location was an hour away - personally, I don't consider an hour's drive to be 'travel.' I would still attend. If the reception was far enough away that I had to take a plane to get there, stay over night, and potentially take time off from work, I might not attend - but that's true for any wedding, not just a delayed reception.

As for the fact that it was a 'secret' elopement - honestly, it doesn't really sound like it was. They did not rush to tell everybody - but they didn't try to keep it from anybody, either. You didn't know right away - but had you talked to her? It sounds like they told people when they happened to talk to them and the news spread from there. True, you hadn't met the guy or known that they were dating - but some people get married very early in their relationship, and that sounds like that's what happened, here.

Regardless, none of this would matter to me if she was a friend or close family member. I would want to celebrate regardless. If she and I weren't close, I would probably skip it, especially if I had to travel. But in this case, if she's a friend as well as a family member, I would drive the hour to go to her reception, even if it was 10 years later. A party's a party.

Another thing to consider: If you weren't wrapped up in wedding and etiquette world yourself, would you even think twice about this? I found that I got much more critical (in my head) about other brides while I was planning my wedding - and shortly after it - than I ever would have been before or since. Just something to consider. Are these really your feelings, or are these thoughts simply the product of overanalyzing wedding stuff for too long?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: bride4life

I am afraid this post is being hijacked and has turned into my dislick
of quicky military weddings before deployment and that is not the truth.

My question was about the party 1 1/2 years after the marriage.



Actually I thought your original post mostly concentrated on your dislike of 'quicky military weddings' and that that was why you didn't feel as obligated to go to the event or felt put out at being made to feel obligated to go.

 

 

 

Reply

Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: bride4life

I can't say I agree with your reasoning of why military couples choose to marry quickly before a deployment, but what did strike a chord with me was:

"She did not tell anyone that she got married until 2 weeks after the marriage when she told her parents (again no one -including her parents- knew she was even dating a guy and her parents only found out 2 weeks after the marriage that not only was she married but was dating this guy)"

It's more than a little strange to me for a person not to even mention a relationship to her family and then announce that a wedding has taken place. Even if you decide to get married quickly for whatever reason, I still find it odd that you'd be in a relationship serious enough to consider marriage but fail to mention it to your parents at the very least. So, I can say that in your shoes I'd probably question the stability of the marriage, but I wouldn't be mad about not knowing about the wedding. Clearly there are some issues brewing, but they're her issues not yours.

So, with that in mind, if you have the time and money, go to the reception, hang out with family and only bring a gift if you really feel like it. I'm of the opinion that if people choose to get married in secret/elope etc, then obviously they're not expecting gifts. But if you do attend the reception, giving a card at least would be the polite thing to do.

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

Reply


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 24, 2009 3:15 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

"She did not tell anyone that she got married until 2 weeks after the marriage when she told her parents (again no one -including her parents- knew she was even dating a guy and her parents only found out 2 weeks after the marriage that not only was she married but was dating this guy)"


I met, dated and married a man and no one knew about him until after the fact. It wasn't their business. I had been married over a year before anyone met him. We were in the military and we felt like being married. We didn't wish to wait so we didn't. I find nothing strange about it at all.

I don't see why there would be a big deal about waiting til next year for the reception especially since you said they married because he was going to deploy. Perhaps the delay is necessary since he will not be available to attend the party where he is the guest of honor.


As far as you going to the party or not? If it were me and I have a relationship with that cousin I would attend the party. If we weren't close in the first place I would worry about it.

As far as a gift goes, I send gifts to people who marry if they are friends or family whether I am invited to the wedding or not. If they are someone I care about I send a gift if they are not I don't. I don't have to witness your wedding to buy you a gift.


 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 10:30 AM Go to message in response to: FMrsJG

Okay... I am going to say this and risk offending someone (anyone) and hopefully no one! I have read through this post again this morning and I just need to say this. My heart really goes out to any couple in the military facing marriage, staying married, keeping the relationship strong, etc. I cannot imagine the stress and pain of being separated from my DH.

Sometimes I think we are too critical about all the etiquette rules for weddings. Now, I am new to the wedding industry so I admit I don't know beans about wedding etiquette. But isn't etiquette also having compassion and reaching out to others with love?

When I first read this post, I was thinking, "That's weird, that's sort of tacky to have a big party a year afterwards, that's strange they didn't tell anyone....etc." But now I think, "Maybe there is some reason for it. Maybe there was a good reason. I feel a bit guilty for jumping to conclusions and making judgements.

I know we take what information we are given on these boards and try to give the best advice we can based on the facts given to us.

I just needed to say that. If I made judgements that were not fair, then I apologize. That's all.
Ya'll have a fantastic day and an even better weekend! Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

Reply


Soon2BAPrice Posts : 50 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Everyones favorite subject...
Posted: Sep 28, 2009 5:15 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

maybe i'm not etiquette savvy...maybe b/c it's in relation to the military, i'm biased...

friends of mine got married in december of 2007...they were both in the army...he got deployed in january 2008, she got deployed april 2008. we're JUST NOW going to be celebrating their wedding, and having the whole big white wedding, december of this year...when did we find out they were married already? when she had to tell our friend the chaplain, that he wouldn't be signing a marriage license, only a decorative marriage certificate they'd made by hand...WHOA..BUT, are we not going to celebrate? does anyone else know? no, they don't...only me, my own fh, the chaplain and themselves know...why? because they don't want the ridicule. they already have a home together, have everything they need...they're trying to set it up through i believe, operationhomefront, for donations to be given instead of gifts. they just want to finally celebrate and have the wedding they've been wanting....why did they get married before hand? because he was to be deployed for 12 months...BUT he got new orders, for 15 months...what happened then? well, he left january 2008...he JUST got home, a month ago, while she got home in march...so yes, we're scrambling...are we going to let their secret out? nope, it's not our place to talk, nor judge...why did they get married when they did? because, he was set to be placed with another unit, in another state. if they were married, she could get what is called a "hardship transfer" and she could follow him, mostly no questions asked. to her family, it was a PCS...nothing more...she apparently let the cat out of the bag, when someone hacked her myspace, and made a status message of "celebrating our 2 year anniversary, with a white wedding, versus a JOP office!"...what did her family say? absolutely nothing...while her mom says she isn't technically a "white bride", her parents couldn't be happier...did anyone know they were dating? nope, not til they both got back from deployment, and she started wedding plans...

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine