FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)

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MsMeghann Posts : 147 Registered: 3/4/08
FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 4:20 PM

okay, this is gonna be kinda long, so my apologies.

DH found out this morning that his father (divorced from his mom 10 years) got engaged just 75 days after our own wedding. The future step mom (we'll call her FSM) is just ridiculous. She could be a post all on her own.

She's insanely materialistic and brags about the dumbest stuff (clothes, cars, who she knows, ugh), but had a hard time telling me her 5 children's names and ages. I'm dead serious. She has invited me to 2 fashion shows, and has yet to follow through. She's invited DH to golf outings, and has completely stood him up on at least 3 occasions.

She's also already been married (and divorced) 3 times previously. DH is very worried that FSM is after FIL's money, and I honestly have to agree; I have that gut feeling. FSM also demanded that FIL annul his first marriage to DH's mom. Yea- wow. They've been together for only 8 months or so, have no date set yet. FIL told DH for for the last few months that he wanted to break up with FSM because she was so high maintenance. WTF. I can go on and on about it, but I think you all get the point.

So with all of this, MIL does not know this news yet, neither does SIL. I'm dreading the day that MIL finds out (which will be very, very soon), as she will undoubtedly put all of her emotional baggage on DH (she always has in the past -- mostly as a result of the divorce. I can give examples, but it's just entirely way too long to scribe them all here). She has basically emotionally replaced her ex with DH.

My question to you all out there, is what can I do in this situation to help DH? He is taking it okay for now, but he's upset and has told me that he's very unhappy with all of this. My parents have been together for ~40 years, and I'm really unsure of how to handle this as a wife and a newlywed.

Thanks in advance for your advice!

~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~
The New Mrs. Scherrer!!
www.MattandMeghann.com

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 6:24 PM Go to message in response to: MsMeghann

Yikes! What a mess.

Thankfully, my parents and my FH parents all get along swimmingly, so I have not found myself in your situation. However, my extended family is a mess... lots of drama on both sides after a couple deaths and weddings. So I've been in your husbands situation (and still am!)... so maybe I can give you some advice...

Most importantly, be devoted. Let your husband know that you are on his side, no matter the situation. Assure him you will not go "try to help" by speaking with his MIL, FMIL, or his father. If he asks you to, that's different.... but otherwise, I think it's a woman/wife's nature to talk things out and smooth things over. But often, it leads to more drama and stress. I'm VERY thankful my guy stays out of it. He's on my side, but without standing against them. He's just there for me if I need him.

Also, just listen. Don't constantly ask for updates or news... that will only make him think about the situation more. Just be there to listen if he wants to talk about it. Let him vent... and be patient. He's stressed, and he may say or do things that are a response to that stress- not you. So let him be in a bad mood... it will pass. And it will probably pass quicker if you don't discuss it.

It sounds like you and your husband aren't in a position to actively do anything that will change the outcome. Two people are planning on getting married, and several others aren't going to like it. While you will receive some backlash, there isn't much you can do to avoid the situation or proactively do to improve it. Just let it be and roll with the punches together. Let hubby's mother call him for support, and let him choose whether or not to answer it. If hubby wants to get together with FMIL or MIL, let him. If he asks you to join, join. Follow his lead. In the meantime, I would lay low and try not to schedule anything with either of these women.

So basically, try to stay out of it as much as you possibly can. Even if you feel very comfortable with his family, try to avoid discussing anything related to the upcoming marriage. All you can do for your husband is to support him, and let him know that you will listen. :)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: MsMeghann

Dear Mrs S,

A few facts. MIL should have competent legal counsel. If FIL tries to have the MIL-FIL marriage annulled, then she can contest it. She should contest if if an annullment would mean any kind of financial change in her spousal support, etc.

She needs to know that this is happening, so she can get things squared away with her lawyer.

That protects MIL.

Next, FIL. Here's a fact of life. The man is a grown man and capable of managing his own affairs. If he wants to marry this woman, that's his business.

If he gives away all his money, except any money his ex-wife is legally entitled to by court order (spousal support, etc), that's his business.

If there is nothing left for DH and siblings to inherit, then so be it. Dad's money is not Son's money until Dad dies and leaves it to him by will.

This is the bad news.

The good news is that Son is under no obligation to support his father, should his father be left destitute by the Golddigger. Here is what your husband should consider.

Talk to Dad and say something like: "Dad, my wife and I are making a good living and are capable of supporting ourselves. We may have kids some day, and we believe we will be able to support them. As things are now, it is my belief that you have enough saved up for a comfortable retirement. That is good news for me (and sibs), because we can focus on our own spouses and future/existing children.

"I are concerned, however, about Fifi. I believe that she is 'high maintenance' and is after your money. That's fine; it's your money and if you want to throw it away that's your business. Doesn't bother me. What does bother me is a scenario in the future where I have to support you BECAUSE you were imprudent with your money now. I do not want to be put in the position of diverting my own earned and saved money from my wife and children BECAUSE you have spent your money on Fifi.

"Now, Dad, I don't want to see you suffer in your old age and if it comes to helping you out I will help you out. I owe it to you as your son. If you are prudent with your money, but still need some help, I will be there for you. If you are imprudent with your money, then it will be much more difficult for me to justify to myself any need to help support you.

"That's the situation, Dad. If you want to marry Fifi, then great. Go for it. I hope she makes you happy. You might, however, consider talking to a lawyer about a pre-nuptial agreement to protect your own financial security in your old age."

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MsMeghann Posts : 147 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 11:27 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

hi ladies!

Thanks for the feedback. ATOB, excellent points about the legalities. DH is very mindful of these things, and will be talking with his dad this weekend (they're taking a trip together) now that he has some more perspective without being so emotional. He seems to have calmed down a bit, but he's still pretty unhappy about it. At least he's trying, which is good. SIL found out yesterday and is going ballistic. Not really helping the situation, but at least she's in the know. MIL still doesn't know yet...sigh. Keeping my mouth shut during all of this is hard, but that's always been hard for me :)

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again, ladies. More feedback welcome, though.

~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~
Soon to be Mrs. Scherrer
www.MattandMeghann.com

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MsMeghann Posts : 147 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 11:30 AM Go to message in response to: MsMeghann

I forgot to mention, that MIL will be completely okay through her military benefits and alimony as long as she doesnt remarry. So she'll be fine financially, but mentally/emotionally is probably another story.

~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~
Soon to be Mrs. Scherrer
www.MattandMeghann.com

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: MsMeghann

Maybe it is just me but I don't understand why there are any issues here at all. If the parents have been divorced for sometime and this chick was not the cause of the marriage ending I don't see how it should be an issue for FMIL.

I can understand being concerned about FIL's finances and advising him to get a prenup but other than thatno big deal no reason for anyone to get involved. His money and what he does with it is his business. As AOTB stated it should only affect FMIL if it has a negative impact on her court ordered payments. Otherwise these are adults who should be able to stand on their own two feet.

If FMIL is leaning on FH to heavily he needs to stand up for himself and let his mom know his is not her crutch he is her son. She can not lean on him like that. People only do what we allow them to do. If he puts his foot down and stops it, it will stop.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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MsMeghann Posts : 147 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Kennys,
I completely agree with you to be 100% honest. FIL is a grown man, as is DH. SIL and MIL are grown women. Why this is such an issue has much to do with family politics and a fairly emotional history. I could play psychotherapist all day. Hey, what's a family without any issues anyway? :) DH is pretty good about getting real with his mom, and I may have to gently remind him of that if push comes to shove. Hopefully that doesnt happen, but if it does, well, we'll just have to deal.

Anyway, my OP requested ways to support DH during this transition. I'm going to just keep my two cents to myself and be there for DH in every way possible. This isn't consuming us and we're not fighting about it, so that's good. My main concern was just knowing how to be there for DH, and I've gotten some good pointers from PPs.


~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~
Soon to be Mrs. Scherrer
www.MattandMeghann.com

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: FIL is Engaged! (a big ol' WTF story)
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: MsMeghann

Absolutely support him, and gently remind him that these are adults and their drama is just that, theirs. They have to deal with it. I wish the two of you luck. I hope their mess doesn't spill over into your life. Sounds like you two are doing a good job of keeping it away.


 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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