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Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 12:46 PM

What is the typical scenario for the parents of the couple regarding the tuxedo. Our wedding is pretty formal and we have already selected tuxedos for the wedding party, ringbearer, and fathers. Since our wedding party is large we decided to give the 2 free tuxes to our fathers. My FH's father is now saying he wants to wear an old suit he has because, according to him, it was fine for another wedding we went to. My FH is upset about this because the wedding he was referring to was just the son of a friend of his and where he was just a guest, not the FOG.

I stepped out of the whole ordeal because I honestly don't know how this works. I know my dad will wear tux (he looks so good in them ...I'm a daddy's girl) but his dad is now adimant about not wanting to go get fitted and is complaining about the whole thing. My FH feels like his dad should want to make him happy for this ONE day of his life. He even sent him a long e-mail after a long phone conversation that led nowhere.

My FH and his dad are extremely close and I know that's why this upsets him most. His dad is truly his hero and my FH has been a rock in his dad's life. I feel bad because it's important to him to have his dad want to participate in the wedding...what I mean by that is, my FH told me "those will be the pictures we show our grandkids and greatgrandkids and I want him to look like the father of the groom".

I know in Greece men usually wear suits, not tuxes. So for me as long as he fits the bill in the formality of the day, I'm good to go. Of course I'd prefer his dad to wear the tux we got for him, but I can't make him do anything, nor will I force him to. I prefer to stay out of it. Is there anything etiquette wise I can tell my FH to reassure him that it's ok for his dad to be the only one not in a tux? We had already told him he can wear his bolo with the tux and forgo the tie...he refuses to ever wear a tie...I thought women had a hard time getting dressed!!! LOL

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On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

maryland , october_2009
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 2:34 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I don't know whether there's an etiquette answer to your question, but personally, I think matching formalwear for weddings is kind of lame. Traditionally, people owned their own formalwear and wore what they had to weddings - so the wedding party did not match like they do now, but everybody still looked nice. I would tell your FH to relax. Not only is this not worth arguing about, but as long as the suit is the same color as the tuxes, I doubt anybody will notice the difference. Personally, I have a hard time telling the difference between a tux and a nice-looking formal suit.

DH's family is Scottish in heritage and within his immediate family, the men have a tradition of wearing kilts to formal events. That's fine, and I was Ok with him, his brothers (ushers), and his dad wearing kilts to our wedding. I thought it was a little odd that he wanted his non-Scottish GM to wear kilts, though, especially considering that you are not supposed to wear somebody else's tartan. So basically, it went against Scottish tradition for him to have his non-family GM wearing his tartan. But whatever. It was his side of the WP and he wanted them to match, so who cares if it didn't make sense to me. The one thing I put my foot down about, however, was that DH wanted my dad and brothers (ushers) to wear kilts as well. DH reasoned that they all the men in the WP should match, but I said, 'Screw matching. My dad doesn't want to wear a kilt and I'm not going to make him, since he's not Scottish. Plus, he's MY dad, not YOUR attendant.' My dad ended up renting a tux (though I told him a nice suit would be fine) and matching his accessories to the color of my BM's dresses, which were not the same color as the kilts. My brothers wore suits with shirts/ties that coordinated with the BMs colors as well. Personally, I thought they all looked very nice, and I liked it that the clothing distinguished which men in the WP were DH's family and friends and which were mine. In contrast, at both my BIL's weddings, the bride's father and brothers wore matching kilts. I'm glad mine was different and that they were distinguishable as MY people, not DH's.

So I rambled a little bit, but the point is that you won't be the only one who didn't have all the men in matching clothing. I really liked the differences in ours.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

maryland , october_2009
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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 2:41 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

The cruddy part is that the suit isn't formal looking. I had told him that it was nice when we had gone to that wedding last year. Yeah, as a guest he looked nice, but it certainly wouldn't fall into the formal category, unfortunately. Our WP, fathers, and FH are not wearing matching vests and we have decided to have the WP match the BM (an eggplant/plum color), my FH picked another shade of purple (he loves purple) and the dads and ring bearer should be in silver (well that was planned)...
I'd love for his dad to be comfortable and happy in whatever he wears, but wouldn't it look odd in pictures that the MOG is dressed in a long formal gown and he's in an old suit?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

maryland , october_2009
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

There is a lot of room for compromise here. If FFIL wants to wear a suit, he should. It is more important that he look comfortable and happy than he be in a tuxedo. Why not suggest getting a new suit?

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

new_york_metro , maryland , october_2008 , october_2009
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

In that case, I think it's time to enlist your FMIL's help. If you're not close to your FMIL or don't want to get involved, your FH should talk to his mom about it. If it truly is a cruddy old suit, your FMIL will probably be embarassed if he wears it, especially since she will be dressed so formally. Ask her to intercede and get him to wear something appropriate. Whether it's a rented tux or a new suit is up to them.

If your FMIL can't help and your FFIL is still being stubborn about it, I would let it go. Regardless of his role in the wedding, you really can't tell a grown man what to wear. If he wants to look stupid, that's his business. But unless you want to ban him from attending the wedding unless he wears the tux, you really don't have any control over the situation. Just let it go.

Another possible compromise is to see if he's willing to wear the tux for the ceremony and photos, and then change into his suit for the reception. A lot of men think that formalwear is uncomfortable, so he might be dreading spending a whole evening in uncomfortable clothes and he's insisting on the suit because it's more comfortable for him. This compromise will allow him to be comfortable for most of the wedding, but he'll still match the rest of the WP in formality for the ceremony and photos.

By the way, did you ever settle the issue with your church and the foreign divorce paperwork? I just realized that I never saw the answer to that and I'm wondering how it all worked out.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

maryland , october_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 6:30 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Dear Mrs JD,

It is totally OK for a grown man to wear whatever he likes to a wedding, so long as private parts are covered.

I think the suit is fine. Better he shows up looking happy and comfortable than angry and ill-at-ease. Your photos will look their best with a smile on the faces.

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple (long response to ArtBride)
Posted: Sep 10, 2009 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Artbride...this is long, lol...

I forgot to update about that church divorce crap! OK, so my church in Annapolis was completely ridiculous and acted as if my mother could simly walk into the Archdiocese in Greece and get the paper. So I had to go to the Greek embassy and get my mother a legal document, essentially like a power of attorney. The embassy gave me a hard time because they do not acept drivers licenses ats legal official identification. They asked for my Greek ID...well I don't have one! They asked for a passport...well, I haven't flown overseas since 9/11! I had my naturalization papers, my drivers license, my veteran's ID. The woman huffed and puffed and finally agreed to give me the document. I then had to express ship it to Greece ($50 bux!)

My mother went from office to office all over Athens being sent from one place to another. One place told her that I needed a Greek CIVIL divorce first since I was born there and technically a citizen still (I carry dual citizenship). They said it would take 2 yrs and many thousands of euros (a euro is like $1.50!)...my mom asked why in the world would I need yet another divorce when my civil divorce was final years ago and it was in the state I live.

So I told the church here about what Greece said only to get a response from the church secretary of "that's ridiculous". This secretary guards all access to speaking to the priest as if he was the President! So I asked for help in the matter, to which the secretary stated that the priest would be out of town for 3 days...this was weeks ago!

So I decided to look into the matter further. I didn't understand why I could not file for this ecclestiastical divorce here in the US, this is where I live! The secretary (more like Nazi) told me that I had to do it in Greece since that is where the marriage took place. I went online and found the guidelines for the Archdiocese of North America and it stated that since I was a resident of the US that it could be done here. I spoke to the records and registry person in NYC who handles the divorce cases and she said that indeed that was the case and that the church in Annapolis should have done this from the very beginning.

Well (sorry this is so long...but this was a span of so long and hours on the phone all over the world) My mom ended up calling the Archdiocese in NYC from Greece. She explained the situation, explained how we used to live in NY and the woman stopped her there. She asked what church and my mom told her. The woman explained to us that since he was my cihldhood priest that he should be able to help.

My mom called the priest in NY and said he would do everything in his power to help me. This is the same priest who married my sister 12 yrs ago...he's great! So I called him up and got all the info of what I needed to do. I had to send in the divore papers, the greek document of marriage, and $250 money order for the Archdiocese. This is the cost to process this here in the US. (To backtrack...2 yrs ago my aunt went through all the govt agencies to get this stuff done, paid hundreds of dollars, and that paperwork was worth nothing more than to document my status in Greece for real esate purposes!!!! ugh)
I had to fly up to NY last week to meet with the priest so I can sign the papers he submitted to the Archdiocese. So I literally flew in, walked to baggage claim, signed my name 2x, went back through security, and got on a plane that was boarding right then (I paid $80 extra to get on that flight vs. waiting 2 1/2 hrs in NY...soooo worth avoiding Baltimore traffic)...

Wait....it's not over yet.....there's more...you can take a bathroom break now if you need to! ;-)

So I called the Archdiocese yesterday to find out what was going on and she said that she had my summons in her hands that they were mailing and my appearance is at 11:45am next Thursday. I have to fly into NYC and go to Manhattan where it should take a whole 15 minutes! UGH! They are finalizing it on the spot and I will have my documents in hand when I return to Baltimore...freakin finally! What a pain in the you-know-what!!! I told FH..."wow, I must really wanna marry you if I am going through all this crap" hahaha

Phew, that was long! But this ordeal was worth it because I really wanted to get married in the church. This is the wedding that I have wanted my whole life. My 1st marriage was not...well it was hell. I didn't plan anything for it, I basically showed up. I never got to pick out flowers, have a wedding party, pick music, have that first dance, or toss my bouquet. I am glad I never did though, because to me this feels like the first time. My 1st husband was physically abusive and unfaithful...having children by other women, that I recently found out about but he denies 1 of them. He put me in preterm labor with my 1st daughter and tried to kill me with #2. I hate admitting that because I was always one of those people that would think "how does she stay with a guy like that? why not just leave?"...I wish it was that easy! But I feel I am a much stronger person now and I have finally found a great man, that even if he does have a stubborn ass father who refuses to wear a tie to my wedding (lol), is perfect for me in every way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

maryland , october_2009
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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 5:11 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

FH told me that his mom is going to try to butter his dad up after stuff calms down. So FH isn't mentioning it and allowing his mom to take over the duty of getting his dad to come to his senses, lol. I'm glad because then I don't look like the bad guy. I just had this vision in my head of how our pictures would look. Also, this is going to be the first time that all of my FH's siblings will be together with their spouses and parents and grandmother. His brother just returned from Iraq (his 3rd time there) sooner than expected so we're really excited. The last photo that we had that was everyone, got lost and since he is in the Army stationed so far away, this is a double celebration of sorts.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

maryland , october_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Tuxedo question for fathers of the couple
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

dear Mrs JD,

"I just had this vision in my head of how our pictures would look."

So?

Your photos look the way the people looked on that day. If you want fabulous photos, then de-invite the family and hire a bunch of Central Casting gorgeous models to pose in the clothes of your choice.

I seriously suggest you drop the subject. It is not worth the hard feelings. You will deal with this man for a long time to come.

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