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What is engagement to you?

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sunkissdluster Posts : 8 Registered: 2/5/07
What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 3:22 AM

"Engaged" is such an ambiguous term! Do you believe that engagement is when you are definitely going to marry your partner? Or do you think it is within a certain time constraint of the actual wedding?

I am asking this because I would ideally like an engagement ring (to make myself feel like it's more official) right now, though we don't plan on marrying for about 2 years. We have been together 2 and a half years and we are positive this marriage is what we want. So, by that criteria, are we engaged? Because technically "engaged" is just an intent to wed, yes?

What are your personal thoughts on what being engaged really means? I promise not to take offense if you don't!

september_2011 , utah
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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 9:55 AM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

To me, being engaged means you are actively planning a wedding, or some other sort of marital event.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 10:52 AM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

To me, a couple is not engaged because the woman wears a ring or because they want to get married some time in the future. To me, criteria for being engaged means that a couple has made the decision to get married and is actively planning a wedding.

You'll get all kinds of answers on this, as everyone has their own opinion, but I don't consider couples to be engaged until they've decided to get married, set a date, and are working towards planning a wedding. A ring does not make you engaged - in my opinion.

I don't have a problem with people who choose to have long engagements, but I don't consider them to be engaged if they just have a vague idea that they'll get married sometime in 2 or 3 years. I know enough couples who have been 'engaged' for years but the wedding never seems to happen. I don't consider these couples engaged. A couple who is engaged now and saving for, say, a May 3, 2011 wedding is engaged in my book. Unless that 2011 wedding becomes a 2012 wedding which later becomes a 2013 wedding, etc. I have a hard time taking those couples seriously.

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september_2011 , utah
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 1:07 PM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

I agree with MsD and Artbride, You are engaged when you say to me Kenny Joe and I are getting married 01/02/12. We just booked the Palace for our reception. You don't need a ring to be engaged to me just actively planning your wedding.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

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october_1997 , southern_shore_new_jersey , september_2011 , utah
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Tofu Posts : 66 Registered: 4/2/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

I agree with the above posters. My FH and I knew about 3 years into our relationship that we would get married one day, but for the following 4 years we were not "engaged" because we were boyfriend and girlfriend, moving through school with discussions about our future, but not actively planning a wedding. There were times where the word "boyfriend" felt like it didn't fit, because he was so much more to me (a fiance in my mind), but that didn't make us engaged.

Now we are engaged and planning a wedding. Our engagement is 2 years long, but we have selected a date and begun the planning process. Two years is on the longer side, but it is not so long that people will think you are not actually engaged (especially if you get into planning right away).

Cool

canada , september_2011 , utah
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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 2:34 PM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

for me, you are engaged when one person asks the other, "will you marry me" (or whatever wording is used) and the other person says "yes" (or nods, or just stands there with their mouth open not knowing whether to laugh or cry like i did). this doesn't mean a ring has to be given, but the question needs to be asked and answered.
my fiance and i had been discussing getting married for months, people would say, so are you engaged? i would say not technically, he would tell them, "no, i haven't asked her yet".

 

 

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new_york_metro , march_2010 , september_2011 , utah
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

I think engagement is "a ring and a date". It is much more than that though. When you are engaged, you are "spoken for". You have made a committment to each other, and that committment is to marry. I think a ring is important and at least an idea of a date. I do think you can be engaged now with a ring and a "two years" date. Congrats!

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north_carolina , september_2011 , utah
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

So if you have a date and no ring are you then not engaged? I'm just curious. I never had an engagement ring, yet I had a date so in my mind I was engaged. My brother who just recently got married did not give his wife a ring but we all knew they were actively getting married. I have another brother who has been married over 15 years and his wife never received an engagement ring either (see a pattern here?) My sister and her partner both wear engagement rings yet they can not get married. They are spoken for are they engaged?

 

 

 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 11, 2009 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Yes, that is true. There are many people who decide not to do the whole engagement ring thing. In fact, I told my fiance I didn't want an engagement ring but he felt I should have one so....
I would have been happy without a ring. I guess it isn't so much the actual ring but the committment. If that makes any sense at all.. ha ha!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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north_carolina
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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 7:34 AM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

Hi, engagement to me is an official announcement not only to others but to each other that you've made the decision and commitment of a lifelong relationship! I've seen many couples who have spoken about marriage and thought they'd get married, and ended up being separated, talking about something and officially committing such as getting engaged, is completely different. Being engaged to me also means that we plan our wedding, and talk about our life together, what we want, our dreams and hopes for our future.

:)

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january_2010 , september_2011 , utah
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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 14, 2009 10:47 AM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

Personally, I think "engaged" depends on how serious/committed you are. If you have a ring, but you don't have a definite plan (including at least an idea of the timing), then you are not really engaged. If you don't have a ring, but you are planning the wedding, then you are engaged.

It's too easy to say (with or without a ring) "Oh, we are engaged" but have no idea when (or even if) you are actually getting married. A former co-worker considered herself engaged because she had a ring, but they had been together for 7 years and still had absolutely no idea if she would even marry him or not. Sometimes she said they were, and sometimes she said "I don't know if he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with." I would NOT consider that engaged, even though she had the ring.

I did that once (not the person I am engaged to now). He asked, I said yes, I had a ring, but we had absolutely no idea when we would get married. We had no plans beyond "in four or five years." I thought of myself as engaged at the time, but now I wouldn't. It was very vague, and we ended up calling it off. This time around, he asked, I answered, I have a ring, AND we have a firm date, we have informed people, we have made definite plans for the wedding, etc.

If he asked and I said yes, even without a ring, and we said "we don't know exactly what date yet, but it's definitely going to be next spring and we're going to start looking at venues" then I would also consider that engaged.

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april_2010 , caribbean , september_2011 , utah
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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Sep 15, 2009 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: sunkissdluster

My 8 year old cousin was engaged once! He was head over heels about his little girlfriend but then her family moved and he moved on to his next crush. Was he officially engaged? Well I've never seen anyone as serious about their love as he was so it's hard to say. I mean, FH and I have a ring and we had an official date but since I need a car and our fish are growing so we need to get them new tanks, which are expensive as all hell. So those are the things we need to get now, before re-establishing a date. We are still totally comitted to marrying eachother... So I guess we're still engaged. But now this thread has me questioning that. I never before pondered what actually constitutes being engaged.
CoolStick your head out the window and smile for a satellite picture!Tongue out

april_2010 , september_2011 , utah , illinois_chicago
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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 854 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 10:51 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

I think the concept of engagement is really ambiguous as well.

A lot of people here are saying that you have to be actively planning your wedding.
I'm not sure if that's a fair definition either.

Ex:
My FSIL was proposed to by her now-fiance in mid-June
They didn't sit down and start researching until early July
They didn't set a date until mid-July

Does that mean for those two weeks before they started researching, or that 3-4 weeks before they set a date...they weren't engaged?

I saw them as engaged in those weeks. But what made them engaged to me? The only thing that made them engaged was the proposal and the answer.

But then there are couples who have the proposal...the answer...and then...nothing. And no, I don't see them as engaged. A four year long engagement...isn't really an engagement to me.

I think it's more an instinct...a feeling that you get about the couple and where they are headed and that it is in the near future. But "near" is subjective.

It's a hard call to make...I don't think I even have a guideline.

I know that there is one mandatory step: the proposal and the answer
but that isn't always enough...

april_2010 , september_2011 , utah , illinois_chicago
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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 2:51 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

To me, being engaged is the intent to marry (ring or not) with an approximate end date in site.

So, it could be "We're getting married summer of 2011". That's fine. I don't consider two years to be a ridiculously long engagment. Once you get closer to three years, I would consider it an unusal gap. But that's just my opinion.

I also should add that I don't agree engagment has to involve planning a wedding, because what if you aren't having a wedding? What if you are going to go to city hall, but are going to wait a year because you want to save some money for a house? So I think I would say it's more that you're activity planning when to start your MARRIAGE.


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april_2010 , september_2011 , utah , illinois_chicago
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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Re: What is engagement to you?
Posted: Oct 7, 2009 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

BirdLover - good point about the courthouse wedding. I guess you don't have to be looking at reception sites or picking flowers, but I would think you do have to have a firm intent to start your marriage, relatively soon, and not "we don't have any idea when, but at some point in the future."

www.mywedding.com/Leaver2010

april_2010 , caribbean , september_2011 , utah , illinois_chicago
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