Wedding guests haven't given a gift.

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Justmarrried Posts : 2 Registered: 9/8/09
Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 1:42 PM

My DH and I got married two weekends ago in a intimate ceremony and had wonderful dinner to celebrate, three hours from home, right on the CA coast. We invited our closest family members and friends. This last weekend we had a very nice catered, open bar cocktail reception in our home city, so we could celebrate with close friends and family AND co-workers, extended family, etc. We put a lot of effort and love into both events. I was surprised when some of our reception guests didn't send gifts or even a card. I was doubly surprised when about six of the people we had at both events haven't even sent a card let alone a gift. These are people that have good jobs and are free spenders.

I know they have a while to send a gift/card but I could see them forgetting and my new DH and I end up feeling hurt. Any one else have this happen or have any ideas on how to be able to hang out with these people in the future without feeling a little bit resentful?

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

Is it possible these people had no intention of giving a gift? There are people who don't give gifts. It is not a requirement it is an option. If you didn't invite them because you wanted to the pleasure of their company then they not you have the right to be resentful.

In answer to your question, there is no way you can do what you are asking.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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Justmarrried Posts : 2 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 2:11 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Actually, it is proper etiquette to send a gift to the couple whose wedding you are attending. Look it up if you do not believe me. I feel sorry for your friends if you go to their weddings, eat their good food, drink their fine wine and then don't even provide as much as a card to acknowledge the occasion.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 3:13 PM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

A few thoughts:

1) While I think it is improper to attend a wedding without acknowledging the occasion with a card or gift (unless you are a member of the wedding party, in which case no gift is necessary), I think it is also improper to ask or inquire about a gift after the wedding if you are a bride or groom. (Not that you suggested doing that.)

2) I think that if your relationship with someone is so tenuous that their not bringing a gift would cause you to de-value your relationship with them, then perhaps the relationship was not one that you valued very much in the first place.

3) Your wedding was only two weeks ago. I think it's early to already want to accuse them of being ungrateful gift-witholders.

4) Is it possible that those who attended your reception/cocktail party do not consider themselves having attended a wedding, with the necessary gift requirement? To be honest, I would not necessarily automatically give a gift if I went to such an event. In my mind, the wedding occurred last weekend -- I'm essentially someone who was not important enough to be invited to the actual big day. What I am invited to is a fun party to celebrate the earlier wedding, and it might not occur to me that a gift is required.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 3:56 PM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

Honestly...if I was invited to a reception that took place after the wedding, it probably wouldn't occur to me to bring a gift. I would be happy to celebrate with the couple, but I wouldn't consider it a wedding and probably wouldn't think to bring a gift. If I did attend and saw an overflowing gift table, I would be embarrassed that I didn't bring something and I'd probably send a gift later - but not necessarily within the next week, as I'm a busy person and sending a gift to someone's wedding isn't the most important thing on my agenda. Sorry.

And as for those who attended both events, perhaps they considered their presence to be gift enough, as it sounds like it was a destination wedding. Also, don't presume to know anyone else's financial situation. Many people who APPEAR to be well-off just put on a good show. A lot of people have lost a lot in this economy and travel to the location of your wedding might be all they could afford right now. Plus, traditional etiquette says that they have a year to send a gift. Perhaps you'll see it once their wallets have recovered from the strain that the travel may have put on them.

As far as the general question goes, some people just don't give gifts and some people just don't send cards. When we got married, I was surprised that some people RSVP'd no and then didn't send cards, but there you go. And a few people attended our wedding without giving us gifts. No big deal. We were receiving gifts and cards on a fairly regular basis until about a month after our wedding. The last gift we received came in Jan of the following year - we got married in April. I never tallied up the list to see whether everybody had given us something, but I doubt we received a gift from everybody. No big deal. I wasn't hurt or offended. For those who attended, we were happy that they made the trip, and no gift was expected. For those who could not attend, we were happy if we received a 'Congratulations' from them the next time we saw them.

Anyway, I would say nothing and I wouldn't write off any friendships because of it. First off, you're overreacting. Secondly, you only got married two weeks ago, and your reception was last week. I'm sure you'd feel like an asshole if you received a gift in the mail from someone a day after confronting them about why they didn't get you anything. And thirdly, while attending a wedding without a gift may be an etiquette misdemeanor (and I'm not convinced that it is), confronting someone about perceived rudeness is an etiquette FELONY. Just stay quiet about it and try to let it go.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

Dear JM,

"Actually, it is proper etiquette to send a gift to the couple whose wedding you are attending. Look it up if you do not believe me."

You might want to have another look at the etiquette book. You will see that:

1. Gifts are voluntary.
2. Wedding guests have a year to give the newly married couple a gift.
3. People invited to a party (the second reception) may not feel as obliged to give a gift as those invited to the actual wedding. The reception-only crowd may feel like B-listers, and act accordingly.

Just let it go.

If you want to continue to be friends with them, then do so. If not, then just don't invite them to future social events.

Of course, your other option is to send an invoice with PAST DUE in red letters.

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Jade1107 Posts : 205 Registered: 9/1/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 8, 2009 11:47 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Sorry to hijack the thread but I'm just curious about the comment that Mrs D made about the wedding party and gifts - is it true that a wedding attendant doesn't need to give a gift? I just thought it was like any other guest... I gave a gift to my friend last year and I just purchased a nice gift for another friend this year (both friends for whom I was/am a BM).

Just curious...

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 3:40 AM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

I would assume it would depend on the situation as if your in the wedding and to give a gift or not. You are already spending money on a dress, at the least, you might also spend money for hair/makeup/nails, jewelry, travel expenses, maybe time off of work, throwing a shower or bachelorette party, and that adds up to A LOT! As a bride, if my girls are going to spend all that money and time helping me, I take that as their gift. They are standing up with me and supporting me and helping me out all the way, what more could I ask for? A set a silverware or a picture frame is not as valuable to me as it is for them standing up in the wedding. As a BM, I'm really on a budget, and if I'm already spending a significant amount of time and money for someones wedding and cannot afford anything else, I would hope the bride and groom would understand that. If not, I probably wouldn't want to continue the friendship with them and regret standing up in the wedding...I could've saved money and time!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 6:31 AM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

is it true that a wedding attendant doesn't need to give a gift?

We did not expect gifts from our attendants. They were already paying for their clothing, travel for those who didn't live locally, hair, etc for the girls, time off from work, and whatever they spent treating us to stuff before and after the wedding (BPs, etc). Though we didn't expect anything and privately told each of them that all the money they spent to be there with us was gift enough (these are our closest friends, so we felt comfortable breaking the etiquette rule about saying nothing about gifts), we received gifts from all but one attendant, though several spent less on gifts than they otherwise probably would have.

That said, I have always given a gift when I have been an attendant in weddings...but I have always been financially able to do so. In cases where I have spent a LOT on travel and clothing for the wedding, I will spend less on the gift. I have never felt obligated to get a gift for anybody. Gifts are voluntary, whether you are part of the WP or not.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 8:28 AM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

You are wrong but that is your problem not mine. A gift is never a requirement it is always an option. If a person chooses to give a gift great if not also great. If you host a party with the intention of receiving a gift you are the one displaying improper behavior. If you confront a guest with what you preceive to be a faux pas on their part, makes your behavior even more improper.

Thank goodness you are not a friend of mine. my friends do not expect that I will give them a gift because they invited me to a party. They are happy that I was able to attend their party and if I give them a gift they are appreciative of that gift because if I gave it. I give from the heart and not as an obligation. I give my friends gifts because they are my friends I don't need an occasion to do so.
My friends know this and never expect a gift from me ever because they never know when they will receive one.

I hope for your friends sake you rethink this whole you owe me a gift because I invited you to my wedding and/or reception. If you allow something this petty to destroy a friendship your really weren't that great of a friend anyway.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 9:09 AM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

This topic has come up one the boards before and I am going to give the same exact advice I did on those occasions. I had a few guests no give a gift or even a card. I truly did not care about gifts - at all. Was it nice to get them? Absolutely. But it was far from something I was worried about.

Honestly, I was more annoyed about the card. To me, its bad manners not to right a little card or note wishing the bride and groom well. But I got over it.

Those who didn't give a card are people I had got very out of my way for in the past, especially for their weddings. I still see them on a fairly regular basis - I am always polite and friendly.

Some people don't give gifts at all. Others send them later on. It's not worth dwelling on. As far as seeing them in the future you say "I got to marry the love of my life and have people I care about celebrate with me. That's all that's important" and try to believe it.

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

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kombu Posts : 5 Registered: 9/9/09
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

As far as seeing them in the future you say "I got to marry the love of
my life and have people I care about celebrate with me. That's all
that's important" and try to believe it.

Exactly!

http://www.spabodyworkmarket.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 2:10 PM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

Dear Jade,

"- is it true that a wedding attendant doesn't need to give a gift? "

Gifts are always voluntary.

That said, consider what one does as a wedding party member.

The WPM considers an entire budget for the wedding. That would include every cost associated with the wedding: clothes, transport, lodging, pre-wedding parties and last but not least the gift.

If the WPM's budget has been blown to smithereens by an overly demanding bride and groom, I think it is totally OK to consider the clothes, transport, lodging, parties, etc., to be The Gift.

On the other hand, if the bride and groom's requests are moderate and the WPM has money to spare after everything else, then sure, why not get a budget-friendly modest gift? I'd pick something more sentimental than something expensive.

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: Justmarrried

two weeks isn't very long, however, most people probably would have given you a gift or card by now. I also think that it is rude not to bring a gift when you are invited to a wedding, especially if it is soemone that you are close with, but unfortunately there is nothing that you can do about it and it would be best to let it go. I guess if I was in this situation I probably wouldn't send a formal thank you card and just move on.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding guests haven't given a gift.
Posted: Sep 9, 2009 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"Honestly...if I was invited to a reception that took place after the wedding, it probably wouldn't occur to me to bring a gift."

Ummm....

If I were close friends with a couple getting married, I would probably give them a nice gift regardless of being invited to the wedding or a party celebrating the wedding. This would be especially true if the couple were getting married in the courthouse or a very small family wedding in their home. They are probably broke and would really appreciate a nice gift!

In other words, I would support the new marriage with a gift because I am particularly fond of the couple, not in repayment for a chicken dinner.

Next question: Let's say I'm invited to a reception that took place some time after the wedding. Let's say these are not people that I referred to above. These are folks that I would probably give a wedding present ONLY if actually invited to the wedding. They are not particularly close friends of mine, but perhaps children of friends or work acquaintances.

If invited to a Delayed Reception in that situation, I would probably give them something similar to a modest gift for an anniversary or birthday party: a bottle of wine, box of gourmet chocolates, etc. They did not extend to me the very high honor of witnessing their actual wedding, so why should I go nuts on an expensive gift?

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