Family Issues - Help!

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Erika87 Posts : 3 Registered: 8/24/09
Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 3:28 PM

I'm at work right now writing this and am very upset.


I just got off the phone with my mom. She called me to tell me how much she disapproves of my future marriage (we got engaged last week and are planning a November wedding). She disapproves of the fact that I'm Caucasian and he is Hispanic. He is originally from Guatemala but has resided in the states for over 15 years now. She claims that, according to documentaries, books, facts, and other people she has talked to, ALL Guatemalan men are possessive, controlling, abusive, and are horrible to their wives. He is none of these things. Without sounding racist (because I'm totally not), he is so far out of the stereotypical Hispanic male that it's unreal. She also bad-mouthed and said many other horrible things about him. She claims that because she hasn't met him that I'm completely wrong, stupid, and am making horrible decisions. Why should my family have to meet him for me to be able to marry him? We're both grown adults.


She, then, proceeded to tell me that she cares because "all parents care about the children." The issue with my mom is that she abandoned me when I was very young in order to be with my biological dad. He didn't want a kid so she decided she would rather have him than me. He DOES beat her often and is very verbally and emotionally abusive. She left me with other family members who I really have no emotional connection with at all. By the way, they haven't met him either. My family is very crazy and I want to make sure that he is completely prepared before I introduce them. After she told me everything I previously said, I responded with, "Do you really think you're in any position to tell me any of this? Really? So, why did it take you 22 years to decide that you care? You really think your glass house is strong enough to stand against all the stones you're throwing?" She got upset. I don't get it.


She calls me at work to tell me I'm stupid, am making stupid decisions, and to pretty much tell me that the only reason I'm with him is because I'm basically fat and can't do any better. Yes, I'm "fat" but I'm not with him just because I don't think I can do any better. Yes, I am a full-figured, plump, chubby, obese, whatever word you want to use, woman, but I do have confidence in myself and I know that I am worth it and that I am beautiful. There is just more of me to love (hehe). Future hubby and I are both genuinely in love with each other and can't stand to be away from one another. We have one of those sappy disgusting turn-your-stomach sweet-pure-love relationships. We are both completely in love with each other.


Then, to make matters worse, my aunt calls and agrees with my mom and informs me that my grandmother and sister both feel the same way they do. By this point, I've completely had it. I told them that if they really feel like that, then don't come. She responded with, "That's what you really want, isn't it?" And, you know what? In a way, I kind of do want that. I don't want to be standing in front of family members that I'm supposed to be close to but am not and deal with all of their negativity. Should I really be expected to commit myself completely and let them hear my feelings for him from the bottom of my heart when I'm not even really close to them? Is it wrong for me to not want them knowing how I feel about someone intimately?


I've met his family and have spent tons of time with them. They love me and they love us together. What I can't understand is why my family can't just be happy for me. I've defyed the typical family "traditions" that we have. I graduated, am in college, have an amazing job working for the US government, have had amazing job opportunities, never did drugs or been through substance abuse (which most of them have), etc. I make smart decisions, very smart decisions, and am very logical. I think things through. I'm not stupid or naive. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing.


I guess what I'm trying to ask is why do I feel so bad for telling my family what I did? Why do I feel bad for not wanting them at my wedding? Should I feel bad for not wanting them there? Is there any way I can get past it? Am I wrong for thinking that the reason they're acting like this is because they're just a tad bit jealous that all of them are divorced, are in crappy relationships, or have men that are abusive to them? I'm kind of at a loss. I'm tired of feeling bad for telling them the truth.

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Ebby102310 Posts : 57 Registered: 2/3/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 3:50 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

First, I am sorry that you are going through this, especially with such a joyous occasion coming up.

Second, this is just my opinion. I don't think that you feel bad that you told them the truth, I think your sad and hurt that, once again, your biological family cannot be there for you. After all these years they still do not support you.

Regardless of race, I am black and have many friends who are of a different race, and even some of my good black friends have dated outside of their race, as long as he treats you in a way that is right and makes you happy, they can kick rocks.

I doubt that you are with your FH because your are plus size. Just an FYI, you sound like you bring a lot to the table, and your curves are just an added bonus.

Sometimes family is what you make and not who your related to. It sounds like your other family is great, and I would deal with your biological family in small doses. It's your wedding, and you deserve happiness. Don't let them take your joy, and if you give it to them it will hurt you in the long run.

So once you calm down, talk with your FH aout your feelings. He is your support system, lean on him.

As for your mom, aunt, and grandmother, yes it would be nice to have them share your day, but if they impede on your happiness, they do not need to be there.


After the wedding comes the real funSmile

 

wedding tickers

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MonaLisaRoyaleB... Posts : 79 Registered: 5/1/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

I am sorry that you have to go through this; it is very unfair for your family to make judgements on someone that they have never met.

Regardless of anyone's race; if you and your FH are truly happy then that is all that matters. If you love each-other then it will prove them wrong!! Your family should support you and your relationship if it is a healthy one. (no abuse, drugs, etc) It sounds like you have both found each other and are very supportive and love each other. CONGRATS!!

Have the wedding that you and your FH want and be happy!! If your family loves you, then they will come around eventually once they see that you and he are happy and meant to be together!


wedding ticker

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SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

I don't think you should feel bad for telling your family the truth. They need to know how you feel if they're ever going to come around. Regardless of how they may feel about it, however, it seems as though you and your FH love one another very much and that's all that truly matters. Although I understand wanting your family's understanding and support, you certainly don't need your family's permission to marry your FH.

Although I obviously don't know everything about your situation, if I were you, I would invite the family to the wedding. If they decline the invitation, then so be it-- you'll still be marrying the man you love. You can only do so much to reach out to people... the rest is up to them.

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

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happydefiant1 Posts : 223 Registered: 7/9/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

2max,

I am in a sort of similar situation as yours in that my fam dislikes my FH. Unlike your fam, mine has met FH several times and he goes to family events, etc. They refuse to accept him. He has never treated them with disrespect or acted inappropriately or rude around them. He and I are also in the head over heels kind of love. We met when we were 15 and knew we were meant to be together. My parents hated him from day one. Like you, I have a college degree, which none of my family members have, I own a home and I work for a State agency. FH has a full time job and is also in college. My family (parents, brother, aunt) use every opportunity they have to tell me how much they disapprove of our relationship, which is excellent (no abuse, drugs, etc), and constantly tell me how I should be living my life. My brother even had the gall to tell me i'm not the marrying type! WTF?!?! As if he knows. I barely see him and rarely talk to him. Now, I think my life is great. I work full time, I'm in graduate school, I own a home, FH's daughter lives with us, etc. It urks me to no end when my fam feels they know better than I do what my life should involve; especially since I see them once every few weeks and talk for maybe 5 minutes on the phone, randomly.

Why is that we feel the need to have their approval? Yes, they are family, but like an above poster mentioned, family is who you make. You don't have to be who or what your family wants and you don't have to be with who your family wants. You would think with all the other hardships in life that your family would be the one apsect that you wouldn't have such negativity. I will be inviting my family to the wedding and they will probably come, but if they start in with their unjustifiable comments, I will not hesitate to show them the door, and neither should you. You deserve the right to be happy with who you choose.

Congratulations for finding someone so loving and supportive! Stick with that positive relationship and let the others go. Express to your FH how they made you feel and see what his advice for you is. You shouldn't feel guilt for your family's transgressions. My fam does that to me. They are exceptional at the guilt trip and sometimes by the end of our 'conversations' (I tend to call them interventions) I actually start to believe the way they do!! How manipulative is that? It only takes one quick evaluation of my life and my love to know that I adore my FH and our life together. Just who are they to give me expert advice? As if they are perfect individuals with all the answers. And, why would they want to to put me through such anguish? It's absurd and I honestly feel for you.

I wish you well in your future and in your marriage! Down with haters!!! ;)

Continue to stand up for yourself with them and anyone else who discriminates against your relationship.

Not all who wander are lost

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

Of course you shouldn't feel bad, but you do. Having a wedding often makes us wish that we had the ideal family, not the one we actually have. Everyone would love everyone, be thrilled about the wedding, supportive of you and FH, and so on. Unfortunately, you get the family that you get, not the one that you want. So, first of all, DON'T LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. None of them have any right to their opinions and comments, given their past actions and current situations. You have the choice to hang up/ leave the room any time you please. Second, I strongly suggest that you see a therapist to work through past hurts and negative feelings. Obviously, as much as you don't want these people to be able to pull your chain, they still can. A therapist can helpt you to put them in perspective and develop a little bit of emotional armor.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 8:18 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

Dear Max,

" She responded with, "That's what you really want, isn't it?" And, you know what? In a way, I kind of do want that. I don't want to be standing in front of family members that I'm supposed to be close to but am not and deal with all of their negativity."


I don't blame you. I wouldn't want those people at my wedding, either. You are "supposed" to be close to them, but you are not, and for nothing you have done or omitted to do.

You were a kid, you were raised where you were raised, you could not make adult decisions about your place of residence when you were a child. You went where you were told to go.

Now, you are an adult and can make your own decisions.

Your mother is an idiot. Yes, she's your mother, but she's an idiot. She's screwed up her own life, and now she wants to do damage to yours.

Seriously, don't listen to that crap. It's hard not to, but please realize that a nice person such as yourself deserves better than that. I wish I could be there to give you a motherly hug. I was in Fort Worth just two days ago and could have done just that then!

Tell your family the date (but not the location) of your wedding, make your plans, and just ignore the negativity. If you still want to invite them, as you approach W-Day, then do so. If they continue to be negative, then don't invite them.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

Max,
I have read your post twice. I also read it to my new husband. We both agree with Myra... it would be a good idea for you to talk to a counselor. There is soooo much here to deal with!

However, please let me say this. You are right about one thiing. You are a strong, independent woman who has found the love of her life. Honey, don't let anyone mess this up for you! You don't have anything to feel bad. I guess you are feeling sad because you don't have the family you wish you had. It's like... you wish you had steak for family members but instead you have bologna. So, that's what you have to work with... a bolonga family. At least your FH's family is steak. That is a very good thing.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself how lucky you are to have found such a great guy. You will figure out a way to deal with this mess. Afterall, you have survived it all your life.

Gentle hugs.... Francie Elaine

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

First, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Second, wow, AOTB said "crap" I am amazed and in awe, but I also totally agree with all that she wrote and myra, and the other posters.

Third, lean on your FH, do what will make you happy and if having them there will NOT then don't have them. Your other family seems like they love you and so does your FH. Go with that, that's what I'd do and I do come from a completely dysfunctional family as well. Id love to have the family I want, but I have the one I have. I wish you both the best!!!


 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 26, 2009 5:55 AM Go to message in response to: Erika87

Hi Erika, I'd like to point out a few things I've seen in your post.

Firstly, no person should be judged on their race! It's both immature and wrong. I wonder why you feel that your parents shouldn't have to meet your future husband, as he will be joining your family, and ultimately become their son-in-law. I think it's quite disrespectful of you to not feel that they have the right to be introduced to your partner, by no means is this asking them permission to marry him, it's just the right thing to do.

You seem to carry a lot of old hurt from the past, you know that you cannot stand with one foot in the grave and yet expect to move on in life, you need to let it go, if you have to chat with your mother to sort out your past mistakes in order for you to be able to forgive and move forward, then do so. But at this rate you are living in with so much hurt, that it's possible that could be clouding your choices you are making today. And also, I've noticed how you've said in so many sentences how happy you are, you don't have to proof anything to anyone, or do you?

It's time that you lay out all your cards, start telling the truth, hurtful as it may be, but it's dangerous to walk around with such anger in your heart. I hope you can sort it out, good luck!

Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 27, 2009 7:59 AM Go to message in response to: Erika87

You have every right to be upset. I would be if I were in your shoes. I'm hispanic and it would hurt me if my family told me that I can't marry a "white" guy. This is what I think you should do. You should tell your family that you love your fiance very much and that you are going to marry him. Tell them that they are invited to the wedding but that they are not forced to come. Tell them that it hurts you when they say bad things about you and about your fiance. Tell them that you are an adult, old enough to make your own decision, and made up your mind that this is the guy you are going to marry. Prove to your family that he is a nice guy and that he doesn't fit any stereotypes. Invite him to your parents for dinner or something. Have them meet and talk. Then ever so often tell your family about the good things he does to you. Example, if he gives you flowers or does a nice gesture tell your family every time he does something nice. I think they just need proof that you will be taken care of when you get married. Your mom is probably just worried that he will be abusive just like your dad is to her. I hope things work out for you.
                              

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 27, 2009 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: Erika87

My honest reaction in reading your post?

F**k 'em.

Let's get real for a minute. If these people were not biologically related to you, you wouldn't give them the time of day. You wouldn't take their calls at work, you wouldn't listen to them, and you wouldn't pretend as though they have a valid opinion. So the question is, should you because they are your biological relations?

Here's my take: because it's your mom, and it's the only family you've got (actually, that's not even true -- it sounds like you're about to have a great extended family!) I'd give them the benefit of the doubt by not immediately telling them to go eff themselves and to never contact me again (which is what I'd do if I weren't related to these people). So basically, I'd say, clearly and firmly, that until they can be supportive of my marriage and decisions, I do not want to hear any comments about my fiance or impending marriage. Furthermore, those people who cannot support me and my future husband are not welcome at my wedding, or even my home for that matter. Period.

And then I'd call up a counselor as Mya suggested. It's always good to talk this kind of stuff out with an impartial third-party whose trained in this kind of stuff.

Good luck. I mean it. You sound as if you've got a good head on your shoulders, which is pretty amazing. Congratulations on breaking the cycle. I think according to the statistics, you should be a raging alcoholic/meth head with an abusive husband right about now.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 27, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: Erika87

this is going to seem like a very simplistic answer, but sometimes things don't need big, complicated explanations or answers. you are truely happy, you have found a man (and his family) who genuinely loves you for everything great that you are, you are living a wonderful, happy life. they are not. simply put, misery loves company. please do not let them bring you down.

 

 

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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Hemlock Posts : 28 Registered: 7/20/09
Re: Family Issues - Help!
Posted: Aug 27, 2009 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: Erika87

I want to say I'm glad I'm not alone but then again I hate that anyone else has to go through the family issues that I am.

My family disapproves of my FH and practically rejoice in telling me so every chance they get. It is not a race issue, instead its a class issue. My family pretends ot be upper middle (though they've stretched their money to do so) and veiw my FH and his family as borderline trailer trash.
As much as it hurts I don't think I'll be inviting my mother, my stepfather, etc to the wedding though they'll never let me live it down. My mother is a pro at the guilt-trip.

I agree with a former poster. Give your family the date and as the Day gets closer then you can decide on whether to invite them or not. Do Not let them ruin your big day! If they do come make it very clear it is on your terms and you have every right to ask them to leave.
And talk to your FH. Let him help you emotionally.

hugs

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