I'm at work right now writing this and am very upset.

I just got off the phone with my mom. She called me to tell me how much she disapproves of my future marriage (we got engaged last week and are planning a November wedding). She disapproves of the fact that I'm Caucasian and he is Hispanic. He is originally from Guatemala but has resided in the states for over 15 years now. She claims that, according to documentaries, books, facts, and other people she has talked to, ALL Guatemalan men are possessive, controlling, abusive, and are horrible to their wives. He is none of these things. Without sounding racist (because I'm totally not), he is so far out of the stereotypical Hispanic male that it's unreal. She also bad-mouthed and said many other horrible things about him. She claims that because she hasn't met him that I'm completely wrong, stupid, and am making horrible decisions. Why should my family have to meet him for me to be able to marry him? We're both grown adults.

She, then, proceeded to tell me that she cares because "all parents care about the children." The issue with my mom is that she abandoned me when I was very young in order to be with my biological dad. He didn't want a kid so she decided she would rather have him than me. He DOES beat her often and is very verbally and emotionally abusive. She left me with other family members who I really have no emotional connection with at all. By the way, they haven't met him either. My family is very crazy and I want to make sure that he is completely prepared before I introduce them. After she told me everything I previously said, I responded with, "Do you really think you're in any position to tell me any of this? Really? So, why did it take you 22 years to decide that you care? You really think your glass house is strong enough to stand against all the stones you're throwing?" She got upset. I don't get it.

She calls me at work to tell me I'm stupid, am making stupid decisions, and to pretty much tell me that the only reason I'm with him is because I'm basically fat and can't do any better. Yes, I'm "fat" but I'm not with him just because I don't think I can do any better. Yes, I am a full-figured, plump, chubby, obese, whatever word you want to use, woman, but I do have confidence in myself and I know that I am worth it and that I am beautiful. There is just more of me to love (hehe). Future hubby and I are both genuinely in love with each other and can't stand to be away from one another. We have one of those sappy disgusting turn-your-stomach sweet-pure-love relationships. We are both completely in love with each other.

Then, to make matters worse, my aunt calls and agrees with my mom and informs me that my grandmother and sister both feel the same way they do. By this point, I've completely had it. I told them that if they really feel like that, then don't come. She responded with, "That's what you really want, isn't it?" And, you know what? In a way, I kind of do want that. I don't want to be standing in front of family members that I'm supposed to be close to but am not and deal with all of their negativity. Should I really be expected to commit myself completely and let them hear my feelings for him from the bottom of my heart when I'm not even really close to them? Is it wrong for me to not want them knowing how I feel about someone intimately?

I've met his family and have spent tons of time with them. They love me and they love us together. What I can't understand is why my family can't just be happy for me. I've defyed the typical family "traditions" that we have. I graduated, am in college, have an amazing job working for the US government, have had amazing job opportunities, never did drugs or been through substance abuse (which most of them have), etc. I make smart decisions, very smart decisions, and am very logical. I think things through. I'm not stupid or naive. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is why do I feel so bad for telling my family what I did? Why do I feel bad for not wanting them at my wedding? Should I feel bad for not wanting them there? Is there any way I can get past it? Am I wrong for thinking that the reason they're acting like this is because they're just a tad bit jealous that all of them are divorced, are in crappy relationships, or have men that are abusive to them? I'm kind of at a loss. I'm tired of feeling bad for telling them the truth.

I am sorry that you have to go through this; it is very unfair for your family to make judgements on someone that they have never met.

Regardless of anyone's race; if you and your FH are truly happy then that is all that matters. If you love each-other then it will prove them wrong!! Your family should support you and your relationship if it is a healthy one. (no abuse, drugs, etc) It sounds like you have both found each other and are very supportive and love each other. CONGRATS!!

Have the wedding that you and your FH want and be happy!! If your family loves you, then they will come around eventually once they see that you and he are happy and meant to be together!

2max,

I am in a sort of similar situation as yours in that my fam dislikes my FH. Unlike your fam, mine has met FH several times and he goes to family events, etc. They refuse to accept him. He has never treated them with disrespect or acted inappropriately or rude around them. He and I are also in the head over heels kind of love. We met when we were 15 and knew we were meant to be together. My parents hated him from day one. Like you, I have a college degree, which none of my family members have, I own a home and I work for a State agency. FH has a full time job and is also in college. My family (parents, brother, aunt) use every opportunity they have to tell me how much they disapprove of our relationship, which is excellent (no abuse, drugs, etc), and constantly tell me how I should be living my life. My brother even had the gall to tell me i'm not the marrying type! WTF?!?! As if he knows. I barely see him and rarely talk to him. Now, I think my life is great. I work full time, I'm in graduate school, I own a home, FH's daughter lives with us, etc. It urks me to no end when my fam feels they know better than I do what my life should involve; especially since I see them once every few weeks and talk for maybe 5 minutes on the phone, randomly.

Why is that we feel the need to have their approval? Yes, they are family, but like an above poster mentioned, family is who you make. You don't have to be who or what your family wants and you don't have to be with who your family wants. You would think with all the other hardships in life that your family would be the one apsect that you wouldn't have such negativity. I will be inviting my family to the wedding and they will probably come, but if they start in with their unjustifiable comments, I will not hesitate to show them the door, and neither should you. You deserve the right to be happy with who you choose.

Congratulations for finding someone so loving and supportive! Stick with that positive relationship and let the others go. Express to your FH how they made you feel and see what his advice for you is. You shouldn't feel guilt for your family's transgressions. My fam does that to me. They are exceptional at the guilt trip and sometimes by the end of our 'conversations' (I tend to call them interventions) I actually start to believe the way they do!! How manipulative is that? It only takes one quick evaluation of my life and my love to know that I adore my FH and our life together. Just who are they to give me expert advice? As if they are perfect individuals with all the answers. And, why would they want to to put me through such anguish? It's absurd and I honestly feel for you.

I wish you well in your future and in your marriage! Down with haters!!! ;)

Continue to stand up for yourself with them and anyone else who discriminates against your relationship.

Not all who wander are lost

Dear Max,

" She responded with, "That's what you really want, isn't it?" And, you know what? In a way, I kind of do want that. I don't want to be standing in front of family members that I'm supposed to be close to but am not and deal with all of their negativity."


I don't blame you. I wouldn't want those people at my wedding, either. You are "supposed" to be close to them, but you are not, and for nothing you have done or omitted to do.

You were a kid, you were raised where you were raised, you could not make adult decisions about your place of residence when you were a child. You went where you were told to go.

Now, you are an adult and can make your own decisions.

Your mother is an idiot. Yes, she's your mother, but she's an idiot. She's screwed up her own life, and now she wants to do damage to yours.

Seriously, don't listen to that crap. It's hard not to, but please realize that a nice person such as yourself deserves better than that. I wish I could be there to give you a motherly hug. I was in Fort Worth just two days ago and could have done just that then!

Tell your family the date (but not the location) of your wedding, make your plans, and just ignore the negativity. If you still want to invite them, as you approach W-Day, then do so. If they continue to be negative, then don't invite them.

First, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Second, wow, AOTB said "crap" I am amazed and in awe, but I also totally agree with all that she wrote and myra, and the other posters.

Third, lean on your FH, do what will make you happy and if having them there will NOT then don't have them. Your other family seems like they love you and so does your FH. Go with that, that's what I'd do and I do come from a completely dysfunctional family as well. Id love to have the family I want, but I have the one I have. I wish you both the best!!!

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

You have every right to be upset. I would be if I were in your shoes. I'm hispanic and it would hurt me if my family told me that I can't marry a "white" guy. This is what I think you should do. You should tell your family that you love your fiance very much and that you are going to marry him. Tell them that they are invited to the wedding but that they are not forced to come. Tell them that it hurts you when they say bad things about you and about your fiance. Tell them that you are an adult, old enough to make your own decision, and made up your mind that this is the guy you are going to marry. Prove to your family that he is a nice guy and that he doesn't fit any stereotypes. Invite him to your parents for dinner or something. Have them meet and talk. Then ever so often tell your family about the good things he does to you. Example, if he gives you flowers or does a nice gesture tell your family every time he does something nice. I think they just need proof that you will be taken care of when you get married. Your mom is probably just worried that he will be abusive just like your dad is to her. I hope things work out for you.
                              

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this is going to seem like a very simplistic answer, but sometimes things don't need big, complicated explanations or answers. you are truely happy, you have found a man (and his family) who genuinely loves you for everything great that you are, you are living a wonderful, happy life. they are not. simply put, misery loves company. please do not let them bring you down.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People