Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 8:34 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

Dear JP,

" I have been trying to talk to him and assure him (remind him) that I am on the same page about our future and what we want in life. "

You are not on the same page. You are not even in the same book.

You want to get married some day.

He does not, or maybe he wants to get married but not to you.

How much longer do you expect to be "patient"? Another year or two? Ten? Twenty?

"" he keeps saying "feelings are feelings and I can't control them." "

True. He cannot control the feelings of wanting to keep you as a girlfriend, but not marry you.

"Yes love is the most important part of the relationship"

Yeah, but there are other really important parts. Like having the same life goals.
-Both wanting to get married to each other.
-Both wanting children.
-Both having similar financial goals.
-Both supporting each other's career goals.

You can love many men. Nice men. Wonderful men. But you cannot marry them all. You now love a man who loves you back, but doesn't want to marry you. Dump him. Go find someone else who will be more in sync with your life goals. That does not mean you are a terrible person. It just means you want to live your life the way you want to live your life and not wait for this man's feelings, honestly spoken as they are, to change.

Dodge that bullet. Don't talk him into a marriage that he really doesn't want.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 8:38 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

If you do decide to continue the relationship... consider talking to a counselor. That may help. Talking to someone from the "outside" could really help you both. Would he be willing to do that?

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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mooRS Posts : 26 Registered: 6/15/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 28, 2009 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with AOTB. I would like to add that, while he can't control his feelings, he can control his reactions and viewpoints. Maybe he feels panicked. The responsible thing to do when you feel panicked is to take a deep breath, run over the situation in your brain a little, and think about what you can do to fix it, not to hit the ground running.

I'm a coach, and I always tell my athletes, "Respond, don't react." It sounds to me like your fiance(?) is doing a whole lot of reacting and no responding at all. He doesn't seem to be thinking clearly about how "taking back" the engagement will affect you as a person and both of you as a couple. In fact, it sounds like he is being completely selfish. He wants what he wants and you just have to go along with it because you love him. Well, you're a human being with wants and needs of your own, and he isn't being considerate about what those might be.

I agree with the other ladies that you should break it off, and proceed with SERIOUS caution if you do try to continue with him. Let us know what you choose, and good luck!

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BlushingBridezi... Posts : 99 Registered: 7/21/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Oct 6, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

Well first I want to say that I am sorry about your problem. But I do agree with you that it is good he told you now rather than later. Have you two tried any counseling or anything? Also, DON'T MOVE TOGETHER! Try looking up the stats/studies on people who live together before marriage...it is not good. Therapists always stress that people should not cohabitate before marriage. People use that excuse of "oh we need to get to know each other" but moving together before marriage creates more problems. Just research it. It seems like you both love each other though, so there is hope. I would advise couples counseling, and then just pushing the date back in the mean time. If therapy goes well, then stay together. If it goes bad, and you find out that you REALLY weren't meant to be, then just be glad you were able to find out before you got married. Again, I 'm sorry to hear about your situation
-The Blushing BrideCool

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Jan 30, 2010 11:46 AM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I am too (since thanksgiving) and must say it is very heartbreaking:( I wish I had advice to give, but I too don't understand. I am thinking of you.

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