My mother is completely unsupportive

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luvmepups Posts : 2 Registered: 6/17/09
My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 3:40 PM

Hi,
I am having severe problems dealing with my mother since we decided to get married.

My father passed away 3 years ago, leaving my mom with a lot of loneliness and boredom. At the time when he passed away I was married to an ass, and after I left him I moved back to the town where I grew up so I could be closer to my mom. At first it was great. She would come over almost every night and we would watch TV and giggle. But then I met my fiancee.
I think my mom was originally jealous that he was getting more of my time and attention, but she can't really expect me to stop living my life and pretend I'm a widow just to keep her company, can she? It just doesn't seem fair that she doesn't want me to be happy.
When it started to become apparent that my boyfriend was going to be around for a looooong time, my mom started talking about wedding plans with me and we even bought my dress before he and I had discussed the possibility of getting married. My mom was very insistent that ne needed to "ask her permission" before he asked me to marry him.
There are a few problems with him "asking her permission": the main one being that she has been rude to him ever since she first met him. She treats him like he is the stupidest person on the planet (he's literally a genius) and is always yelling at us about one thing or another. Additionally, the tradtion of asking the FATHER came from long long ago when men would trade cattle for a bride, or when the future bride was under 18 years old and NEEDED permission to get married. I am pushing 30, I am divorced, I have a child, and I no longer have a father. All of these are valid reasons that he does not have to "ask permission". My fiancee was, however, willing to talk with her and ask her "blessing", but she refuses to talk to him. Each time he sets up a time to meet with her, she blows him off and doesn't even call to cancel.
I finally showed her my ring and told her that we were getting married, and her reaction? She looked at my finger and said "That's not a real ring. He still needs to ask me". I told her that since I asked him to marry me (neither one of us really asked the other. We just decided to do it) he didn't need to ask her, and how did she feel about the fall? Did she have plans already, or could I go ahead and schedule my wedding? She said we would talk about it later. This was in April, and we still haven't talked about it.
Last week she forwarded me an email invitation to one of her friends' daughter's engagement party. Her daughter is in her early 20's and has a track record of choosing really terrible men.
I finally lost my cool and I sent my mom a rather heated response. I am very upset that she would even have the nerve to send me that email after ignoring the fact that her only daughter is also getting married. (My first marriage was at the courthouse, so this is really my first and only wedding.)
I haven't spoken to her in over a week. I am waiting for an apology, and in the meantime, making lots and lots of plans without her!
My FH's family is wonderful, too. They figure that if he loves me, then they love me too. He has a HUGE family, and we get along with all of them. The only person we have issues with is my mom. Any tips on how to handle her?

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: luvmepups

Wow. Sounds like there are a lot of different feelings going on here all at once. Grief, guilt, anger, sadness, jealousy, love, and many more.

What was your moms relationship with your dad like? What was your relationship with your dad like? Have either of you really dealt with his death? By that, I mean, have you been to see a counselor together or apart, or have you talked about him together, what hemeant to you, etc etc. I think these things are really important, and maybe because they were either ignored or not fully dealth with or communicated, you are now ending up ina place where you are instead attacking one another because you are both hurt. Also, why is your mom rude to your fh? Does she have valid reasons for disliking him, or is she just being impossible? There are loadsof unanswered questions here that will maybe bring some of this to light, but I do think that your mothers behavior is stemming from the fact that she is lonely, hurt, and maybe feels either betrayed or "left" by you. This isnt your fault and of course you need to live your life too; Im just trying to get you to see it from her pointof view.

I think that instead of angry emails ,you both need to sit down face to face and have a serious mother/daughter discussion. One in which you make her understand how much you love her; that you are hurting too; that you have both lost someone; and that you are truly in love and would really like her support in that. And then, try to listen to her and understand where she is coming from And if you havent seen a grief counselor or something similar, perhaps you both should.

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luvmepups Posts : 2 Registered: 6/17/09
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

My parents were happily married for 26 years. In fact, he passed away on their 26th anniversary. My dad was a wonderful man and we had a great relationship. My mom and I have not been to formal counseling, but I don't think that my father is really the issue. My mom was crazy like this the last time I got married. Granted, I went to the courthouse and told her about it a week later. She even started stalking me at one point. I really thought that keeping her "in the loop" would have made things better, but she treated my ex much better than she treats my FH, and for no reason at all. He is wonderful and extremely supportive. I have a daughter who has a life-threatening disease, and when we found out about it, he and I hadn't been dating for a year yet. But he stayed by my side, and we have changed our lifestyle together for the good of my kid. He has had to deal with my crazy mom, asshole ex, and my kid. He has brought nothing but good things to my life, which includes his giant family. Most of his many many siblings are sisters, and I get along great with all of them. He is planning to talk with my mom later this week, and after taking years and years of her putting the blame for literally everything on me, I am holding out on speaking to her until i get a sincere apology.

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Woobiebride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/18/09
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 5:19 PM Go to message in response to: luvmepups

I know where you are coming from for sure! However, my father has not passed and I am deeply sorry for your loss.

My mother used to like my fiance, until we got engaged. He tried for days trying to get her permission, she's the hierarchy of my family, and she would not reply. He finally just asked me without her permission and we have pretended that he did it after he asked her. Although she gave him her permission, she has been nothing but trouble ever since. Yes, this is my first marriage, yes I'm the baby of the family...but there's certain things you just do not say to your daughter. For instance, my mother said that the ring on my finger did not signify that Pete loves me, it's because I'm a really good 'catch' and he just can't let me go. Ridiculous! Then she threw a fit about not telling her right away when it happened....I did I called her first thing in the morning (when it supposedly happened at least). It just irritates me that the happiest time in my life has to be thrown down the drain because my mom is not happy. It's always about her! It's been about her for a very long time and it took me this long to figure it out. She did similar things to me on my highschool graduation and my college graduation...all about her. I tried talking to her about it and she just flipped out and blamed it all on Peter. Apparently they had a yelling match on the phone too and she hung up on him. I think he deserves an apology but my mom says that he 'disrespected' her because he was holding her accountable for the things she says. She told me that she doesn't need to be held accountable, he's not her boss. I then proceeded to tell her that all adults need to be help accountable for their actions and their words, such is life. She's acting like a two year old, and frankly I'm sick of it. I've been distancing myself from her so that I can not continue to be hurt by her.

With your mom all I can suggest is that you try to talk some sense into her. Explain to her that you are happy and she should be happy that you are happy. She should be supportive of your decision and she needs to be there for you through this happy time. It's very stressful, I know, when your mom does not listen to you. Maybe threats are in order? I don't know what kind of relationship you had in the past with your mom, but all I can suggest is to talk to her and then from there decide what your next move should be. If she doesn't listen, you can't make her listen. You may have to protect yourself from the hurt that may be thrown at you. It is nobody's fault that your father passed away, and I'm absolutely positive that everyone misses him. But being hurtful to your daughter during this joyous time, which you probably wanted your dad to be there, is not going to help the healing process.

I wish you all the luck! Keep me updated on what happens. Maybe we could continue to share stories about our crazy moms. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a difficult mom. Oh, and yes, Peter's parents and family are absolutely supportive! There couldn't have been a better family for me to marry into. Now, if only my family could learn from them!

"I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

-EE Cummings

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KimberlyDonn Posts : 26 Registered: 9/8/08
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Aug 21, 2009 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: luvmepups

This is your wedding, your day, your life, your fiancee, and the rest of YOUR life. I understand how it can be frustrating and lonely for your mother, but at some point you are going to have to say something to her; lest the insulting way she treats your then husband ruin many a family gathering. As for the permission and blowing him off when he's trying best he can to meet her expections, at some point you just have to say kiss my backside, you're being difficult and obnoxious, and I'm not going to participate; and promptly move on from there. The best thing for you to do is get off the drama train while it is in the station. It's real hard to do some of those things all by yourself. The choice is yours, you can choose to participate, or you can choose to not let it bother you and go forward with your wonderful wedding; with or without her "blessing"

Kim

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Aug 21, 2009 4:15 PM Go to message in response to: luvmepups

and after taking years and years of her putting the blame for literally everything on me, I am holding out on speaking to her until i get a sincere apology.

Whenever I see someone write something like this, I roll my eyes. First off, face reality. I know you DESERVE an apology, but do you really EXPECT one from her? Secondly, are you prepared to never speak to her again if you don't get an apology? If not, then you're just being dramatic.

I think this business has EVERYTHING to do with your dad's death. It sounds like your mom replaced her relationship with him with a closer one with you. You moved home after your father's death and the two of you were very close during that time. Then you met someone else and started spending less and less time with your mom. So she feels abandoned. First her husband of many years left her alone, then you moved home and filled that void, and now you're leaving her alone, too. I'm not saying it's fair to you...I'm just saying that I understand how she feels. And this has EVERYTHING to do with the grief process. At least for her.

She is obviously trying to hold on to you as long as she can. By being rude/distant to your FH, she hoped to drive him away, so things could go back to the way they were when you first moved home. By stubbornly insisting that he ask permission - and then repeatedly being a no-show - she's denying that you're really moving on. And by not saying a word about your wedding for months, she's trying to delay it or frustrate you/your FH to the point that you say, 'Forget it. We're not even doing this.' And then she hopes you'll come to her for consolation and you can go back to being close.

There's two big issues going on here, so I have two different pieces of advice for you:

1) Stop being immature and 'holding out for an apology.' Be an adult, swallow your pride, and deal with her. Unless you want to never have a relationship with your mom again, you'll need to deal with this eventually whether or not she apologizes. Just get it out of the way now, before it escalates further. Discussing this with her may or may not get you the apology you want, but you'll deal with the issues at hand and you'll both be able to move forward. Don't send angry emails. Discuss it in person, and as calmly as you can manage.

2) Likewise, your mom has to stop being immature and 'holding out for FH to ask permission' and then not making herself available. I would give her one more chance. Tell her that FH wants to ask her blessing on X date, and this is her one chance to sit down with him. You will move forward with the engagement on the day after X date regardless of whether she shows up to talk to him or not. End of story.

Personally, I agree with your opinions about 'asking permission' in general. I told Dh that if he asked someone else rather than me, my answer would be no. Regardless, if I was in your situation, I would bite the bullet and deal with it. Your mom has obviously fixated on this issue and fighting her isn't going to get you anywhere. Just let him ask her blessing and be done with it. Still, I wouldn't give her the control over the engagement to allow her to keep canceling the meeting and delaying her 'official' acceptance of you being engaged. I'd give her this one chance. If she doesn't show up - again - move forward without her. Write her a nice note explaining that you value her blessing, but you aren't willing to wait indefinitely for it. Tell her you love her and look forward to hearing from her. Then leave the ball in her court.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: My mother is completely unsupportive
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: luvmepups

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