Maid of Honor issues

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Waterchick84 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/30/09
Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 9:50 AM

Hi!

I just got engaged on July 25th and I couldn't be happier. I have one of my close friends from college that I have know since Freshman year in college to be my Maid of Honor. When my FH and I were initially thinking of a wedding date, we were thinking of November 2010 even though we really wanted June 2010. We looked at a few places and there are openings for June 2010. When I told my MOH that last night, she threw a fit because is going to be the MOH in a different wedding in May 2010. To make matters even worse,this is a destination wedding and then she had the audacity to ask who was paying for her to go down and then expected me to know how much it was going to be! I have no idea what to do - we have not even gone and visited places yet and I am having this issue. Do I wait a bit to see if she turns around, do I ask her to step down if she can't afford it or what. At this rate, it feels like she is giving me more stress and we have just barely started the process.....Advice, comments, am I being unreasonable to ask her to pay her own way?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 10:10 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Dear WC,

You are not being unreasonable to expect her to pay her own way.

You are being unreasonable in asking her to make an open-ended financial committment. At this point you don't know the cost she will incur in agreeing to be a MOH.

How would you like it if you bought something, then the seller said "We'll send you an invoice for some undefined amount to be determined later, which you will be obliged to pay." ?

Many people have DWs, which is perfectly OK. My own personal objection to DWs is that they ask other people to make your wedding their vacation. In these days of limited time and resources, there are folks who just cannot or will not commit to the time and money it takes to attend a DW.

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Waterchick84 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/30/09
Re: Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 10:27 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree and understand with you on that point. I will be able to give her a price amount, as soon as I know how much to tell her. Is that fair?

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

I would be annoyed if I was your MOH, too. It is very expensive to be in ANY wedding, particularly if you're the MOH. It's even more expensive to go to a DW. I don't think she's being unreasonable in asking you for a cost estimate - and if you want her to be your MOH, you should be understanding about her budget.

This is my biggest problem with people getting engaged and asking friends to be in the WP before they have a date, place, style of wedding, etc, etc figured out. How do they know what you're asking them to commit to? After learning the hard way, I don't commit to being in a friend's WP anymore until I know the definite date and place of the wedding. I'll give them a 'conditional yes', explaining that I would be honored to be in the WP, but I cannot commit to it until I know the definite place and date of the wedding, as I may have other commitments. It's not fair to ask your friends to commit to travel anywhere on any date that you might pick, spending any amount of money that might be required to be in your wedding. So if anyone is reading this and has yet to choose their BMs, please wait to do so until you have the basics figured out!

Your MOH shouldn't have freaked out when you told her your possible plans, but you should take her budget and other commitments into account as you're making your plans. She's a major player in this thing, and if you want her to be there, you may have to work with her schedule and budget. If having your wedding in June is more important than your friend being your MOH, go ahead with it - but I would expect some hard feelings from your MOH, especially if you ask her to step down. That kind of thing generally ends friendships.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

I agree with the PP's. Having a destination wedding can be hard on the WP because of all of the extra finances, and time to take out of work and everything else. She might've freaked out because she might not be able to travel at that time, and feels stuck since she already agreed to be your MOH. Once you figure out more details, you should talk to her and if she isn't able to go then tell her you understand if she has to back down and there will be no hard feelings. She might also be upset because she really wants to be there for your wedding and be your MOH, but isn't able to do so. I would just talk to her.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of Honor issues
Posted: Aug 18, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Dear WC,

" I will be able to give her a price amount, as soon as I know how much to tell her. Is that fair? "

You pretty much have to have an entire bottom line of expenses before she can make a final committment. That would include clothes, food, lodging, travel, everything.

Here is my suggestion to you.

Talk to your friend. Tell her that you will get all the numbers together, and until then, you understand that she cannot make a final decision.

Next, do your research and make up a "not to exceed" type budget.

Dress: Not to exceed $100
Shoes: Not to exceed $35
Travel: Not to exceed $750

etc.

Once you have that in place, then talk again to your friend. You will have a realistic, but conservative, estimate of what she will be expected to pay.

One thing you'll need to be very clear on is what happens if you go over one budget line item, but under another.

Let's say you love a dress that costs $140. Do you, the bride, pick up the extra $40? Or, do you make it up by finding an air tickets for $700, instead of $750? What if she wants to fly on her frequent flyer mile carrier, which costs a bit more? Would you insist she take the lower price ticket and forget the FFMs?

Are you willing to pay whatever cost she incurs that might more than your grand total? Or, are you willing to pay each individual line item that might go over your "not to exceed" amount?

Let her think about it for about a week, and tell her in advance that you will be totally OK if she feels this is too big a financial commitment.

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