just need a little reassurance

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 13, 2009 10:24 PM

Ok so my fiance and I got engaged in March of 2009. I had originally thought about a wedding date in September of 2009 but in the end I felt like that was too soon. We have now booked the venue and will be getting married in May of 2010.

The problem is that my mom keeps acting like that is such a long engagement. She also keeps making comments about how my grandmother might not live that long (i love my grandmother to death and couldn't imagine my wedding with out her....but she is 83 and has been convinced she is dying since she was like 70 and has no major health problems). As much as i love my grandmother, her and my mother keep talking about how I am procrastinating and how maybe I picked such a far away date because I don't really want to get married. It has nothing to do with that...I am just a really really bad decision maker and also wanted to give myself some time to lose some weight.

Is a 14 month engagement that ridiculous? I mean we already live together...once we got engaged we bought a townhouse together so I just don't see the big deal about the wait....

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 13, 2009 10:49 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe I feel for you. When we all get engaged we imagine wonderful times of picking flowers, dresses and cakes... that's the vision we have of planning our weddings! Well, then real life sets back in and EVERYONE YOU KNOW will have an opinion of what you should do for your wedding. A 14 month engagement is not that long by any means! Ours was 17 months.. many girls have a variety of ranges on here from 4 months to 4 years! You and your FH need to plan for when is best for you. To be rushed into it is not fair and would not provide you the time you need for yourself and FH to be ready.

As for your grandmother... that's a tough one. You clearly sound like you love her and want her to be there. It is wrong of your mother to guilt you into a different time, but I understand where she's coming from. I would talk to your FH, you two decide what is most important to you about this wedding and build a strong base for yourself. When approached with such questions, you two will know what you want and be able to support one another in your decisions. Calmly talk to family about what's important to you. Your mother may be having a difficult time letting you go? Maybe she just needs to be reassured of your and your FH's position? I would say talking to her would shed light on what's going on and how you can both come to a compromise. Planning a wedding involves MANY people, so it requires a TON of compromise! Keeping the lines of communication open will make the process go more smoothly. Best wishes to you!!!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 13, 2009 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

i actually have a really hard time reading my mother....she is so excited about planning the wedding but deep down i don't think she likes my fiance. She keeps saying I am marrying my father like its a bad thing which I find ironic because her and my father have been married for like 35 years. Part of me just thinks she is excited because my older sister eloped and it just totally devastated my mother. I think she is just so happy to be involved in the planning and to have a big wedding that she doesn't even really care who I am marrying! The other problem is that my mother and I have very different personalities. If it was totally up to her the wedding would have been completely planned a month after our engagement. I admit that I am a procrastinato and an awful decision maker...although I always get things done in time...but it just drives her nuts anyways!!!

To be completely honest I think she is trying to plan my sister's wedding through me. Her and my sister have the same personality and I am not joking when I tell you that she was devastated when my sister eloped. Seriously she used to go to church every day...when my sister eloped...she stopped going completely. It doesn't help matters that she completely hates my sister' s husband so maybe she just figures my fiance is the lesser of two evils.


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FMrsJG Posts : 77 Registered: 2/21/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 12:40 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

do what is BEST FOR YOU!!! plus 14 months is NOT long...we're on a 1.5 year engagement and my best friend is having a 3 year engagement....soo no worries! just remember to do whats best for you. i got the speech about it being "too long" and that i should've had it done this year. then again i'm super sarcastic w/my mother and told her "oh i'm sorry it was definitely my choice to have FH go on a deployment this year". it shut her up quickly! but we planned our wedding b/c we didnt want to plan one in 4 months, so we picked a date we were comfortable with. do what is best for you, not your mom or grandma. dont let mom manipulate you like that...bc honestly if she wants to use "she might die in X amt of time" thing, then you can always come back "well thats something that might happen to anyone of us, but i put my faith in God that it doesn't happen to grandma or anyone else and i'll take the chance of having my wedding in May!"

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 6:27 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

No, a 14 month engagement isn't unusual or ridiculous. It's pretty average, as far as engagements go.

You need to learn to not let these things bother you. I know that's particularly difficult to do when the criticism is coming from your mother....but you'll go insane if you continue to second-guess yourself due to other's opinions. People will never universally agree with you. Learn the value of 'I'm sorry you feel that way, but we have made our decision,' and 'Thank you for your opinion. We'll take it into consideration when we make our decision.'

If you really feel like you need to give your mom an excuse, tell her that you want a spring wedding, and given that you got engaged in March, spring 2010 was really the first doable option.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MrsDeLouis Posts : 167 Registered: 11/10/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 7:18 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

There is nothing wrong with having an extended engagement. FH and I got engaged April 2009 and are not getting married until October 2010. I have a similar issue with my own grandparents which is upsetting, but it is unfortunately just, well, life. I hate to think of not having my grandmother at my wedding, but even if we had gotten married in April, she couldn't have attended. She has alzheimers and it just isn't fair to have anyone else in my family take away from the day to attend to her.

Don't beat yourself up over your decision to wait. Planning takes a long time and again, there is nothing wrong with having a 14 month engagement. Sit down and try to talk with your mother and let her know that her comments are upsetting to you but that you and your FH have already made a decision on this date are are sticking to it. Like Artbride said, you have to get used to saying "I'm sorry you feel this way but this is our decision." Not everyone will agree with you but this is you and FH's wedding, not your mothers or your sisters.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 8:05 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

My engagement is 13 months. We got engaged in August. We wanted a September wedding. 1 month was too short of a time period. Duh.

I used to get random comments from people about how that was a long time, and I'd tell them that it takes time to plan AND PAY for a wedding, and that was the time length that we set upon.

My first weddding, my engagement was 15 months. Got engaged in March, wanted a June wedding. My parents requested at least 6 months lead time for the wedding....therefore, I had to wait a year.

Sometimes we have a month we want, or a place we want or a whatever, and we do not have time to catch it this year.

But ultimately, the engagement period IS an adjustment period too---and no matter how comfortable you are in your relationship, you should not rush your engagement. Do what is right for you.

Misty

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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I agree with Brooke, especially about the dream engagement Vs real engagement. It is hard to understand but people may have very strong feelings about your engagement and act out of the norm. There is an article floating out there about Moms. mixed emotions and how to deal.

When it comes to your grandmother think long and hard about what the truth of the situation is.

My grandfather died 5 months before our wedding and my Dad carried a picture of him while he walked me down the aisle. I would have rather he been there but life and death issues are out of our control.


My engagement was 9 months so I do not think 14 months is too long.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 14, 2009 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

My engagement is about 22 months! I got engaged on Dec 25th 2008 and my wedding will be on October 10, 2010. So almost 2 years. The reason we did that was because no one is helping us pay for the wedding so we needed time to save up money and plan things. We knew we wanted a fall wedding and 2009 was way too soon to save up money so we decided to wait until fall of 2010.

Do what is best for you and what you want to do (and what your fh wants to do too of course lol). Waiting a long time can be good in the saving money department, but at the same time I am sooo antsy! I wish I were getting married THIS year. But life sucks and nothing is free. If your mom is willing to pay for your weddng then by all means have it soon. If you want your grandma at your wedding then have it soon. This may mean that your wedding may not be as what you dreamed of if no one is helping you pay. It's up to you. Do you think your grandma won't live 14 months from now? Sometimes doctors say the worse and they end up living for years. Just do what your heart tells you to do :)
                              

 

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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 16, 2009 5:46 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

My fiancee and I have lived together for 2 years now. We got engaged officially in September 2009, and we had our wedding date booked April 2009. So, we've really had 18 months to plan our wedding.

How big of a wedding do you plan on having? 6 months is not alot of time if it's a big wedding. There is so much to do. If it's a smaller wedding, it may be feasible. I guess this decision is up to you and your fiancee. Don't let anyone tell you what should be done or pressure you into having the wedding before you are ready. Stand your ground early on.



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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Hi Zoe, your engagement time seems perfect to me! Most couples I've known were engaged between 1 -2 years before getting married, due to the time it takes to arrange everything. Have you already booked your venue etc. perhaps that's where the anxiety might be coming from.

We'll be organizing our wedding in 8 months, got engaged 11 April 2009, wedding day 30 January 2010. Venue and all the big things like photographer, dress designer, food and drinks, harpist, DJ, cake baker etc. booked and paid for already.

: )

Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 10:24 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Our engagement will be 14 months long when its over. I think that it is a perfect length of time for an engagement. Actually I would have almost prefered more time to plan and save up.


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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

I think 14 months is about right. You get married when it's best for you and FH. By the time I get married I'll be engaged for 3 years and 3 months! I didn't want it to be this way, but due to school we pushed it back. Yeah sometimes it sucks and I wish we were married already, but during our engagement we've still learned so much about each other and have had many serious discussions about when we are married. It has given us time to actually plan a marriage and not just a wedding that will only last one day, and to me that's the most important.

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 10:40 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

DH and I were engaged for 17 months before we got married. It seemed like a long time when we started out but the time flew by! There were a lot of things to do and I was ultimately very happy with the decision to save and plan for the wedding over that period of time. Like a PP said, the engagement is an adjustment period, you don't want to rush it. You can learn a lot about yourself and your FH during this time. It is also a great way to accumulate funds. I loved watching the wedding fund grow and it came in handy. We didn't have to take out a loan to pay for the wedding and a lot of people we knew did and the stress of the debt ruined their first year of marriage. I think you should plan your wedding in your own time and not let yourself be pressured into anything.


That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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AdriansWife2012 Posts : 22 Registered: 5/6/09
Re: just need a little reassurance
Posted: Aug 17, 2009 11:26 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

It is compleatly fine to have a longer engagement, dont let anyone "rush" you into it. I got engaged 7 months ago and were not getting married until May 5, 2012.....Thats a long engagement! Every one is on us to about waiting so long, but we are taking care of the whole wedding ourselves and a lot of it im doing myself from my home, so Im happy about it....honestly I cant believe that its been so long already :) Relax and enjoy your engagement!

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