Bridezilla/sister/best friend

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Griffin2011 Posts : 1 Registered: 6/22/09
Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 5:53 PM

Okay...I need someone else's opinion on this. My best friend is getting married in 2010 and I'm getting married in 2011. While both of us dated our fiances the same amount of time before getting engaged, it's okay for her but I'm moving way too fast. Now, for obvious reasons, that upset me but I over looked it because I know she has a lot of stress since her hubby to be is getting ready to deploy (mind you, so is mine) and her father is very sick. That being said, we're both planning on being in each other's weddings but since I'm one of those girls who plans everything ahead of time and being my aunt is making my brides maid's dresses and I've found material that I absolutely love, I figured I'd go ahead and purchase the material (plus extra per dress in case anyone has any significant weight gain) so I asked my girls their dress sizes. When I asked her, she replied to my email saying that she didn't know why I was looking now being my wedding was years away and that she very well could be pregnant and if she were pregnant she would not be in my wedding because of this fact. When I explained to her that I was planning on having extra material, she stood firm on the fact that I shouldn't be shopping for material and reminded me that she isn't supportive of my marriage. It's almost like she thinks I'm trying to copy her (she even said that she didn't want me to get married just because she was) despite the fact that our weddings are over a year apart and totally different styles.

As if that weren't enough, she expects us to spend $150 on the dress for her wedding (not something that can ever be worn again due to the style, color, etc), $75 for the shoes, $20 to dye them, lord only knows what she'll want us to spend for jewelry AND wants a bridal weekend for all of us to get together for the weekend. The package she picked out is $800 per person, per night. That would put me spending $2000 to be in her wedding when I'm asking her to spend money on her shoes and shoes alone. I'm providing everything else for my girls (dresses, jewelry, etc) and letting them keep it all.

All of that being said, am I over reacting with her being unsupportive, over bearing and inconsiderate and how should I handle the fact that I really don't care if she's a part of my wedding now or not?

Thanks girls!

Edited by: Griffin2011 on Aug 5, 2009 5:53 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

Dear Griffin,

Hmmm... with friends like these, who needs enemies?

It sounds to me as if you both need to bow out of each other's weddings. You are both planning, and at least one is competing.

Consider something like this:

"Friend, I think it might be best if we both bow out of each other's wedding. We are both incurring a lot of expenses with our own weddings, then adding the bridesmaid expenses that is a heavy hit to the budget. I think I would like to attend your wedding as a guest, and invite you to attend my wedding as a guest."

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loveisjoy Posts : 85 Registered: 2/6/09
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

I agree with other poster. Just attend each others weddings. You guys seem to have some personal issues with each other. It's nothing wrong with you planning your wedding now for 2011. It's great toget a head start.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

Have you seen that movie Bride Wars? This sort of reminds me of that movie. Anyway, your best friend is not acting like much of a best friend. It sounds like to me that she IS jealous of you getting married and she wants all the attention and glory to herself. Are you sure you would really be okay with her not being in the wedding? Because, if you would be okay with it, I would definitely give her the opportunity to cut herself loose! She sounds like she is not excited about your wedding and I doubt she will even be supportive. It doesn't sound like you can count on her.

As far as the money you are going to have to pay for her wedding.... all I can say is WOW! I would never ask an attendant to pay that much money! Who can afford that in today's economy? Can you afford it? Have you been upfront and said, "This is too much money... I could pay for the dress and shoes but I would have to skip the "girls weekend". I think your "friend" is asking way too much. It seems some brides think it is okay to just put people in debt and to totally inconvenience them. I don't get it.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

You do not need negative people around you at this time. Dealing with them saps your energy and steals some of the joy from this special (if equally stressful) time. I started buying things early too, there is nothing wrong with it, I actually got our wedding rings 4 months after getting engaged and it was a blessing because the price of gold went up a month later. I have also had friends be equally unsupportive. You can either minimize her involvement in your wedding and planning, if it is too hard to cut her loose altogether, or you can ditch her. You do not need to put up with this and she sounds like an awful friend.
That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 5, 2009 11:43 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

As usual, Ms. AOTB has wise words.

I hate to say this because it sounds harsh, but I have personally learned this from a similar situation:

If your friendship is suffering this badly from wedding planning, your friendship is not as strong as you think it is. I say this because my best friend of ten years and I are no longer on speaking terms due to a verrrrrrry eerily similar situation. We're both planning our weddings, and we had a huge falling out from so-called jealousy issues, competition, and a whole plethora of other issues that have really been brewing for years. It sounds as though this might be the case for you too.

I say cut your losses, don't include her in your wedding, and back out of hers if you choose. I dont' want to sound overly negative, but honey, I truly don't see this situation getting better. No matter what you say to her, it is going to be wrong. You cannot force someone to approve of your marriage, you cannot force them to cooperate in your wedding planning, and you certainly cannot pull ridiculous sums of money from thin air in order to be in a wedding. The 2k alone would be a deal-breaker to me.

And as a sidenote, I too am planning my 2011 wedding, so I understand!

Best of luck! You'll be in my thoughts.
My Planning Blog

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FMrsJG Posts : 77 Registered: 2/21/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 2:40 AM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

hrm,
my best friend and i are both in each other's wedding. i got engaged about 2 months after she did and my wedding is in 2010 and her's in 2011. I too am currently thru a deployment w/FH...her's isnt in the service but that doesn't matter.

the thing is. as best friends (and mind you were eachother's MOH) we both realize that we're both planning a wedding. i mean heck my best friend already has her site booked...me, i dont. but i guess my point of view on things is...she's getting married too. i'm not jealous cuz she has a site or that she has more done than me...infact i feel a bit left out and selfish b/c i feel like i'm not being a good MOH cuz i'm busy w/my own wedding...and she feels the same way. but non the less, we're friends and we both come from the point of view that we're both planning a day that is a big deal to us...no matter who gets married first or second whatever. i know she'll be there for me on my day and in the planning process...and well she knows i'll be there for her as well.

talk it out with her...you BOTH need to realize that yea it might be "your day" but thats it...not your year, your time for the world to revolved around you until you get married. your day is your wedding day...until then, all i have to say is be mindful and helpful to eachother....otherwise you ruin a friendship. and are you really going to let 1 day ruin your friendship?

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nejnej261 Posts : 68 Registered: 5/20/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: Griffin2011

It sounds like she isn't even sure if she wants to be in your wedding based on the pregnancy comment. If you want to get dresses made and buy the fabric now you should totally do it. Talk to your friend and let her know what you are planning to do. Let her know that you want her to be included but if she is feeling unsure about the timing or whether or not she is able to be a bridesmaid that you understand. This way she knows you are ordering them and if she wants to back out now would be the right time. There is always the possibility that someone could be pregnant by the time a wedding comes around but if she really wants to be in it she will take that chance.

If the money is too much for her wedding then you should not feel bad about gracefully backing out. Her feelings may be hurt but in the long run it will probably be better for your friendship. If you stick it out and end up in a money jam you could end up really resenting your friend for it later.

Just because you are friends does not mean you have to be in each others weddings. If you really want to be then talk with her and find some middle ground to make it work. Let her know what you can and cannot afford. Let her know what your plans include for the dresses and let her decide what she can and cannot do. Then try and decide together what is best for both of you. Good Luck!

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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: nejnej261

Agree with Chels and aunt - Personally no matter who it was if they told me they didn't support my marriage there is no way I would ask them to stand up for me knowing it was all an act.

Really though this is going to get worse not better if you stay on your current course.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 3:34 PM Go to message in response to: Stephy77

Stephy brought up another point I forgot to mention:

I actually was the one to drop out of my friend's wedding, for that very reason. I don't want to stand up at a wedding and put on a fake smiley face and do a whole song and dance in celebration of a union I do not approve of. It felt hypocritical to me. I couldn't "just be happy for her" because that felt fake and forced, even though that's what a lot of people told me to do. So I backed out. And unfortunately that resulted in a huge blowup, but...I'm hoping that doesn't happen with you.

here's the thing: if she really wanted to be in your wedding, she would do it regardless of whether she was pregnant, unless of course it was insanely close to her due date or she had complications. To me, it just doesn't sound like she actually WANTS to be in it. I definitely still say cut your losses and move on.
My Planning Blog

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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 4:42 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Just thought I'd add my perspective, based on a similar experience. My husband has a group of 4 guy friends (him included in the number) who all had girlfriends, and all got engaged within a year and a half of each other. Once you get to that age, it happens. The first girl to get engaged was the first planning on getting married, but since we were all engaged, we found ourselves talking about OUR weddings, and not hers (we were all in each other's weddings). It got to the point where the 1st bride had a little bridezilla moment before we all realized that this was her time. She was first. And we'd all have our turn. We all continued to plan our own weddings, but shared our excitement on the little details with other friends, not getting married before us. And when each wedding passed, the newly married bride was just as supportive off the next wedding as we were to her. I'm not going to say it wasn't a little annoying to have to not tell literally half my bridal party that I found my dress, because we were at a fitting for someone else, but I thought about how I'd feel if someone interjected in my "moment" like that.

So just figure out if it's actually jealousy, that she doesn't support your marriage (which is a HUGE problem), or if it's just that she wants her moment, because after her wedding, there will be plenty of time for your moment.


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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: SteffMay2009

Good point Steff. The MOH I am sure has her own version of events and hurt feelings. It really is hard to say what the deal is off of a few details and not knowing the girl but either way a heart to heart is in order.

I have to say though for me anyway having a friend whose happiness is diminished by my happiness is just not for me.

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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 5:10 PM Go to message in response to: Stephy77

Yeah, totally. Some people are more sensitive about this kind of stuff than others. I had one friend, when she found out we were originally looking at getting married in the fall, ask us to wait because fall was "her season" (she hadn't even picked a date yet). In the end we did (we would've been the 5th wedding that year) so I'm glad we waited... but some people don't like to share, ya know?



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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 1:06 AM Go to message in response to: SteffMay2009

LOL!!! I have roughly 20 good girlfriends. Even if we decided to divide the seasons up easily, still five of us would each have the same season. Sorry girls, I was first in line. Guess the other four of you can't get married, because Spring was mine and the other three seasons are already filled. Too bad for you.

rofl people amaze me.
My Planning Blog

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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: Bridezilla/sister/best friend
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 10:59 AM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

LOL Steff I hope she returned to normal after the wedding and cringes at the memory of telling you it was her season. I imagine her saying it with a long drawn out daahhhhlliingg in front of the sentence and of course holding a martini in one hand. Too funny.

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