Should We Invite Them?

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MD102310 Posts : 1 Registered: 7/30/09
Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 4:45 PM

There is a little back story before I get to the question...

I am the youngest of six. The four oldest are actually half-brothers and half-sisters (two of each)--these are children from my father's first marriage. Then there is my real sister, then me. My half-siblings, between all of them, have 7 kids. All but two of the kids are adults (varying between 18-24)

I am the first wedding in about 20 years (the half siblings were all married in the early 80's). One of my half-sisters is in my wedding party, along with her 12-yr old son, My real sister is my MOH, and my half-brother's daughter (also 12yrs old) is a junior bridesmaid.

Our plan was to invite all of our parents (step, real, first wives, etc), siblings, aunts, uncles and some close friends. All said and done this is about 150 guests. My mother (who is divorced from my father) are paying for the reception meal. My fiance and I are paying for everything else. We did not plan on inviting the other 5 nieces/nephews nor were we inviting my fiance's cousins (about 5 of them also ages 18-24).

I heard through the family grapevine that my half-sister (not the one in the wedding party) is upset that I am not inviting my niece and nephew. She feels that I am close with them (I see them once per year) and is astonished that they aren't on the list. She has threatened not to come to the wedding if her children are not invited. My initial reaction (besides anger) was "oh well, guess she isn't coming". I explained to the family member that relayed this info that I really feel that if I invite the niece and nephew, I could not leave out the other three; I also feel that because they are adults I would need to invite them with a guest. Furthermore, if we invite them we would need to invite the 5 or so cousins on my fiance's side, also with a guest. This would be an additional 10 family members plus guest, so about 20 more people. My mother is saying "stick to your original list"; my father knows of my plan to exclude nieces/nephews/cousins and seems OK with it.

So, what should we do? Invite 20 more people? Invite all of them without guests? Call my half-sister and (try) to explain? Stick to our original list?

Any advice is really appreciated....and many thanks for reading through my REALLY long post!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 5:10 PM Go to message in response to: MD102310

First of all, you don't have to invite them. As no one who is actually paying for your wedding is invested in having them there, then you don't have to do it. Especially if your first reaction was an "Oh well." Don't let people emotionally manipulate you.

Second of all, if you did invite these adult children, you wouldn't have to give them an "and guest." Unless they are married, you really don't have to. Sure, if you knew they were seriously involved with someone, you should, but since you only see them once a year, how could you know, anyway?

When people threaten the "I'm not coming if. . ." routine, I say call their bluff. If you can live with their hurt feelings, then there's no reason to spend extra $$ for a plate.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 5:14 PM Go to message in response to: MD102310

Stick with your initial list. If your half sister tries to blackmail you into inviting her kids....just smile and say "I'm really sorry to hear you won't be able to come. I will miss you."

(Yes.... its a lot easier for me to say it to you to say than for you to actually say, but it's best for you. And I do have someone who is rather upset that she can't bring a date. She told me she couldn't come if she didn't, and I did say "I'm really sorry to hear that." Our reception location has EXACTLY 100 chairs. I could rent more...but I also want a dance area, and it will be tight as it is with who I have invited)

Misty

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: MD102310

I would stick to the original list. Once you cave in for someone, you start caving in and inviting everyone (and you already know how many extra people that would be). 20 extra people can put your reception in a whole new price bracket, depending on what the cost per head is.

I would send out the invites to whoever is on your original list, if your half sister has that big of a problem with it, and says she doesn't understand why because you guys are close, then why can't she call you, why do you have to hear it through others?

If she says something once the invites are sent out, or tries to add them on her rsvp card, then just call her and tell her that they aren't invited, and if she can't make it you'll miss her on the big day. You are in no way obligated to invite her kids.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 7:09 PM Go to message in response to: MD102310

I have siblings who share both parents and I have siblings who share a father they are all real to me. I don't make the distinction. My kids only share a mother I would slap the taste out of their mouth if they ever called each other anything other than sibling. I don't believe in it.

Getting to your question if you don't have a relationship with the nieces and nephews don't invite them. Although I do think if you are inviteing some you should invite them all. If they are not married you don't need to invite a date for them. As far as the cousins are concerned they are really not on the same level as nieces and nephews so don't invite them if you can't swing the costs.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:11 PM Go to message in response to: MD102310

Dear MD,

Yes, you should stick to your original list. Easier said than done, though, with family hurt feelings involved.

My suggestion to you is to consider including the family members, but dropping all the "And Guest" people off your list. All of them. Why should you exclude family members so your college roommate can bring a date that you've never met?

Some will say that inviting single people's dates is good etiquette. It's actually a nice gesture, should you have unlimited funds, but when you have to pick and choose, the people you don't know should come in last. It is totally good etiquette to only invite people you actually know, providing you include spouses and financé(e)s. ("No Ring No Bring") I also include committed same-sex couples who do not have the option of legal marriage.

Go through your list and remove all the And Guest notations. Make a new count. See if you can include the nieces and nephews.

If anyone complains about not being able to bring their last Friday night hook-up, then just reply "With such a big family, we had to be careful about our guest list. I would love to meet your new boyfriend after we return from our honeymoon."

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Toast Posts : 480 Registered: 9/10/08
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

eh, I dont know about this. If it was me, I would have never left them out. Yes, you dont see them much. Yes, they are not close to you...but....they are still your nieces and nephews, and you are inviting some (and having them in the bridal party) so you should invite all.

When we were making lists of our guests we wanted to invite 3 of my fiances cousins that he is close too. But, we also invited a cousin who lives out in CA and he hasnt seen in like 10 years. Why? Not cause they are close, but because he was inviting his moms sisters kids, so he should really invite his moms brothers kids. Ya know? It just makes people feel left out...especially when they know you included some nieces and nephews to be in the bridal party.

I would NOT allow them to bring a guest. They are adults, yes, but not "that" adult yet.

As far as the cousins go....you could probably get away without inviting them. But, if you think you can swing it to afford dinner for them, then by all means invite them. But, they dont need to have a date either.

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acwilde Posts : 13 Registered: 7/25/09
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 9:10 AM Go to message in response to: MD102310

Hello there. I have been going through the same problem with my guest list. I only have six aunts and uncles on both sides of my family, with a total of 16 cousins ranging from ages 10-35. because of this small number, and because my family puts a lot of importance on weddings, i have decided to invite them all. i also keep in touch with all of them, at least a little bit.
then there are about 50 guests that have created my extended family list-all of our close friends that we have acquired throughout the years.
my fiance, however, has 16 aunts and uncles, and 15 of them have children. he doesn't talk to all of them, but they all talk to each other.
all of his family live in another province from us, and he hasn't seen some of them in over eight years.
but, because they all talk, if we invite some of them, and not all of them, we will have a lot of upset people on our hands.
we have decided to invite them all, in the hopes that a few just might not be able to make it. also, on the bringing a guest idea...we are only going to allow guests to bring a date if we know them personally. if their signifigant other is a friend of ours, they can come, too, but if we have never met them before, we are going to make it clear that the numbers are tight, and they can come with the rest of their family as their "dates."
maybe this will help allow you to have all of your family members attend the wedding?
good luck!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Dear AC,

" if their signifigant other is a friend of ours, they can come, too, but if we have never met them before, we are going to make it clear that the numbers are tight, and they can come with the rest of their family as their "dates." "

Fine, but you need to invite married or engaged couples together. The spouse comes even if you have never met that person.

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acwilde Posts : 13 Registered: 7/25/09
Re: Should We Invite Them?
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

seeing as it was said a few times already, i was sure that went without saying :)

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