Out of the Loop

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 5:29 PM

Hey Ladies... I don't know if I'm just venting, needing advice, or just need a listening ear, but something's been weighing on me for awhile and I just wondered if this happens to everyone, or if I've done something wrong...

For quite awhile, I've been feeling very "out of the loop" with my group of girls that I've been friends with since high school. Now I know how when you graduate you go your seperate ways, whether it be college, or work, or whatever... but I've always made an effort to keep in touch through e-mails, phone calls, and planning an annual girl's Christmas party every year. I know our lives get fast paced and we don't have the time we used to, quite understandable. But what hurts me is that I always feel I'm the one initiating any sort of communication. I e-mail, send messages, leave voice mails and still hear nothing.

It seems to have gotten worse since all of my friends have started having kids. Now again, I totally understand that life gets even crazier when you start having a family, but again, that's not the issue. The problem is, all these friends it seems have plenty of time to talk to each other, mostly about their kids and all, but I'll try to contact them 3-4 times and never hear anything. I send birthday cards, anniversary cards, presents for their children's birthdays (I have to do that now because we live 1,000 miles away) and I'm not asking for a thank you, but I never hear ANYTHING from them.

I just feel that since I don't have children I'm not worthy of talking to. I must not have anything to offer to the conversation or anything they want to talk about so I never get a phone call. When we were in high school we were all very close. I was the last to get married. So when they were all married and we could get together, nothing I said was taken seriously and I felt it's because since I wasn't married I apparently knew nothing of love or relationships. I just always feel a step behind and not welcome.

I know the obvious solution is to find a group of girls in similar positions as me, just married, no kids yet.... but it's very difficult as DH and I have had to move a lot recently due to his job. It's difficult to be somewhere with no friends and it just makes me miss my old friends very dearly.

I don't feel like I"m asking for too much, just a phone call every now and then, to maybe see how I am.... or a message... or just something. THis sounds like such a pity party, and I'm sorry. It's just been hitting me harder lately because I'm still out of work (no luck yet! ugh!!) so no new friends and so far from home. Homesickness is probably playing into all of this as well. I just want to feel important to them, even though I don't have children too. I'm very happy for all of them, and love to go visit them and their kids, they are cute! I just wish they would want to call me and see how I am too every once in awhile. Not every night, not even every week.... but it's been months and months and months since a friend has called me. Just maybe once a month or every few weeks for even 10 minutes, would be so great!

Have any of you ever felt like this? What did you do? Am I being selfish? Thanks for listening!!!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

I feel like that from time to time too! And yes, it is partly because you don't have kids. I imagine they are thinking you don't WANT to hear all about Jr's latest dr's appt and such. I also imagine that they feel they need to give you some space since you are a newlywed. The friends I had that did that I emailed and basically said what you told us--you're hurt by the fact they never email or call YOU. For my friends it helped, they didn't even realize they were doing it! One was completely offended and as a result we did go our separate ways.... It may also be some homesickness thrown in! It's hard to know what to do in this case! But the decision ultimately is yours! I could use a few more friends! LOL You're one of the closer brides on here.....

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 5:52 PM Go to message in response to: carebearny1999

Carebearny- thanks! I never thought of it in that way.... that they might think I wouldn't want to hear about it... but actually I'd love to! When I have gone to visit all we do talk about is the kids, and that's ok! haha it's just nice to feel included and thought about.

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 6:15 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

I think some of us are just better at keeping in touch and you sound like the dependable one of the group! Still, it is sad that friends go their separate ways... the older you get the more you realize you need the friends who knew you when you were young!

I just moved to NC last year and I am trying to adjust to living in a new state and being newly married. It is hard! Facebook has helped me "keep in touch" with a lot of my high school and college friends. I also just joined a women's meetup group in my town so hopefully I can start making some friends around my new town. That may be something for you to do while you are looking for work. You could maybe even volunteer and meet some friends that way. What do you think?

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 6:28 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

yes, Facebook is a great help!! I just got to see pictures of an old friend's brand new baby! I even delivered a personalized bib to the hospital undercover--great fun to see her reaction as she immediately posted "who sent this?! I LOVE it?!" So hopefully I can get back in touch with a lot of those friends that I simply drifted apart from! How'd you find a women's meeting group in your area? Sounds like something I'd be interested in!

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Dear Brooke,

My suggestion is to join some kind of group in the place you live now. You can volunteer for a good cause, join a church, get in a book club, anything like that. You need to get out. Put your talents to use.

There's some truth in "out of sight, out of mind". I found that once I got past my mid-twenties, the people I knew in high school and college just sort of dropped off the radar screen. The close friends I have now are all, with only one exception, people I've met since I got married.

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 7:13 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks Francie and AOB!! Good ideas.... we definitely need to get back to church anyway, and it'd be nice to get into SOME kind of group! I'll definitely look into that.
I actually do have Facebook and pretty much all of them are on Facebook too... which is where I send them messages, but rarely, if ever hear back from them. My mom doesn't really talk to too many of her friends from high school either anymore, and she still lives in her hometown! That just makes me so sad! To think that you grew up with these ladies, were in their weddings, shared so much with them and to think they might not play a bigger part in the rest of your life as well. Again, I'm sure if I did start to make some local friends and get back into the workworld I wouldn't feel quite so bad.
Thanks for the ideas though!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

I have a feeling that you and your friends will find a way back to each other eventually.

Check out www.meetups.com That is how I found my women's group. You just type in your town and it tells you all the groups in your area. There are tons of groups here!


I joined a church here in June and I am so happy to have a church family again. It will take a while to meet people but it feels good just to "belong" somewhere!


hugs,


Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:35 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thanks Francie! I'll check out that website! I totally agree, it feels great to BELONG somewhere and feel welcomed. Right now we're waiting to see if we have to move for DH's job again here in a few weeks.... so that makes it more stressful. Just makes you feel so uprooted and can't establish a life somewhere. I know we will someday, and not deal with cranky neighbors about parking! Ugh! Thanks again!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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cldeross Posts : 113 Registered: 6/24/09
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:46 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

You know, I had this same thing happen to me, but I was the one who lost touch. In my late teens and early twenties I had a real tight group of girl friends who all had small children. We were all dancers and single. We would always go out to real nice dinners and trendy clubs together, but as soon as I got into a serious relationship I started to distance myself from them. Many years went by, I had a son and ended that relationship and there were so many times I would wonder about what my friends were doing. Then one day will I was at a Dillards I ran into one of those friends. It just so happened that she had stayed in touch with all our friends and since that day we have all stayed back in touch and do things as a group again....

My point is that everyone goes through these phases. I suggest that you just try to be patient and stay in touch. I am sure that in the future you will see that your friends will phase back to you....

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: cldeross

Thanks! It's comforting to know that this could all be just phases your friendships go through, instead of the end.

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Brooke,
You have made me feel welcome on this forum.... thank you. If we lived near each other, I would love to meet you for coffee!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Out of the Loop
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Well thanks Francie!! Right now we're living in Florida, so pretty far from you! We could be moving to Kentucky, North Carolina or staying here in florida, we have no idea. Hopefully we'll hear something soon! Thanks for the invite though!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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