Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 7:59 AM

Hi all as many of you know we have been having major problems with Mother since we became engaged. She is very nasty to Derrick's family. She has attempted to be very controlling with every step we have made in the planning process and now she has completely lost her mind.

We were planning our engagement party for October six months from the day of our wedding everything was going fine until we gave mother the guest list. She went nuts she doesn't feel it would be appropriate to invite some of Derrick's family and friends to mix with her friend's for the engagement party. In her head it is bad enough she has to have them at the wedding. Most of them have done nothing to her, for the most part they haven't even met her she is being really nasty for no reason.

Derrick and I talked it over and at first we were not going to have the party at all, but then in speaking to his mother we will be having two parties. His mother is having a party for us also. Next month they will host a Backyard BBQ/Engagement Party and invite all of their family and friends. I am so excited. I love his family and their get togethers are so much fun. They have a really good time.

Last summer I went to one of their bbqs and I had the time of my life. They played volley ball, horse shoes, some of the guys got in a basketball game. They had a softball game, a card tables were set up and different people played cards. It was so much fun. I had never been to a bbg like that. We have had Daddy put some burger on the grill or maybe a steak but nothing as huge or as lively as the ones my future inlaws hosts.

I am so excited about that party it is going to be so much fun. My mother's party will not even begin to compare I don't think she even knows how to have fun anymore.

We will also have two separate bridal showers we decided on that so that we don't have to have a major battle about that also. My bridesmaids have decided to host two showers. They will divide the chore of organizing the parties and then will jointly host them both.

It amazes me that five people who never met prior to agreeing to be my bridesmaids have come together and melded so nicely My MOH is the only one who knew everyone and she has managed to somehow get everybody on the same page. If they are fighting amongst themselves I haven't heard anything about it.

Daddy's Little Girl

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:25 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells - I wanted to ask you on another thread how planning was going with your Mom but I didn't want to hijack another thread.

It's unfortunate that you have to do all that because your Mom is so controlling BUT I'm glad that you have found a way around her AND found a way to still have fun and enjoy yourself in the planning process.

BTW, love the profile pic. :-)

 

 

 

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:38 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thanks for the compliment a friend helped me pick out just the right picture for the boards.

It is getting more and more difficult to deal with her but I have to say in doing so I am becoming more sure of myself. So I think she is actually doing me a favor even though she has no idea she is doing it.

Daddy's Little Girl

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 8:56 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

You are slowly becoming one of my favorite posters on the boards. The title of this thread is hilarious!!! I cracked up just raeding it and automatically knew it was about your mom.

It totally sucks that THIS is what you have to do in order for peace to reign over your wedding. And all because of one person. Your mom. She is truly being ridiculous. Is she honestly this shallow of a person? Its just hard for me to imagine, even though I know it can be true, since I HAVE met a few people just like her in my lifetime. Its just tough to believe that she will not listen to reason, or that she really cannot see all the hoops everyone is flying through to make things work because of HER!!! Its unreal.

Its good that you are learning how to deal with your mom now in situations like this, because the wedding is only the first of many similar situations in your new married life. You and Derrick are going to have to make some big decisions in the future, such as how much do you want your mother to be a part of your lives? And she is going to need to learn to accept, really accept, him and his family, or risk losing the both of you at some point down the line. I have seen it happen, especially when the couple has children. Then it becomes "you wont be seeing your grandkids" due to their behavior. I wonder if she knows her behavior could spiral into that very easily. So, this business with the Shower is good practice on Dealing With Mom 101. Good job. And you have some great friends for your wedding party.

BTW: anyone ever tell you that you look like Reese Witherspoon?

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 9:27 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells, it really sucks that you have to deal with your mother's ridiculous behaviour during what is supposed to be one of the most exciting times of your life!!! But it sounds like you are handling everything well. While I know some people would advocate sticking with one party and forcing your mother to either deal with Derrick's family or not come herself, I somehow get the sense that she would show up and make everyone uncomfortable.

Kelley...I thought I was one fo your favorite posters! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I'm leaving the boards!!!!!!

 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

You are very blessed to have a future MIL that is so kind and helpful. You will be so thankful for that in the future. There isn't anything worse than a mean MIL!

It sounds like you have a lot of support from a lot of people who care about you. That is awesome. And it sounds like you know you aren't going to change your Mom. :)

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 10:59 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

I am probably going to be in the vast minority here, but I actually have NO sympathy for you in this Wells. Not even a little bit. And I will explain why...

Instead of acting like an adult, you are going out of your way to bend to Mother's wishes. When do you plan to put on your big girl panties and out and end to this shit?

I think its insane that you are having two of everything just because your mother is arrogant, snotty and classless. I don't care how much money is in her bank acccount, she is living proof you can't buy class. Where does it end?? Why not have two weddings so your poor mother doesn't have to be exposed to his family at all?

If you don't stop this crap NOW, it will never end. In fact, the more you cater to her drama, the worse it will get. What happens if/when you and Derrick have children? Will there be two birthday parties or Christmas celebrations because your mother can't be around his family? What kind of impression will that set for your kids?

I honestly think you need to grow a spine, tell "mother" to get the f*ck over herself and have one shower, one engagement party, etc. Seperating the parties is an insult to Derrick's family, who seem to be very nice, NORMAL people. If I were in his shoes and had to deal with this, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.



P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter


Edited by: Bride2008 on Aug 3, 2009 11:00 AM

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Bride2008, I do disagree with you. I get the impression that Wells is having the 2nd shower and engagement more to shield Derrick's family from her mother, rather than the other way around.

It sounds to me like her mother has a narcissistic personality. My grandma on my mom's side does, and there is not getting through to her. My mom was in therapy for a little while trying to deal with her issues with her mom. She brought her mother to a session with her. After that session, the therapist told her not to bother trying to reason with her mother and to just go along with her because she will not change. He said that narcissists are almost impossible to treat because they truly think that they are right and the rest of the world is wrong. Even when my grandfather passed away, it was more about how it affected HER than it was about him. It has finally gotten to the point where my grandmother is no longer a part of my life, but it took a long time to get there.

Wells, I sympathise very much. It is far easier said than done to write off a parent, and both of my parents have written off theirs. But it was not a decision that either came to lightly, or quickly. You may get there at some point, but I completely understand what a difficult position you are in. It seems to me that you understand that your mother is the one in the wrong and you are trying to alleviate any discomfort she may be causing to others. Having dealt with someone who sounds a lot like your mother for my entire life, if you ever feel the need to vent or are looking for an opinion, feel free to PM me. :)

 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: Heidibride30

Heidi - I get what you are saying. I have family members who are narcisstic people and they are impossible to deal with it. I have found the more you bend to it though, the worse they become. I may have been unclear. I am not suggesting Wells cut her mom out of her life, just that she tell her mom "I will not deal with XYZ".


For example, my mom's sister is almost impossible to deal with some days. If she fights with my mother, she will call me to yell about my mother. I used to argue with her. Now I simply say "I will not listen to this" and hang up. She has stopped calling me now because she knows I don't feed into it.

I also get the impression that Wells' mother is not narcisstic, just a spoiled overly pampered brat.



P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter


Edited by: Bride2008 on Aug 3, 2009 11:39 AM

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells, I think it is really crap that you have to do everything separate because of your mother. If you are comfortable with having two of everything then continue and enjoy it. Your FH and his family sound great. I just wish you could bring everyone together, plus I think you will get tired going to so many duplicate events. I was tired after my shower and the rehearsal dinner, so I can't imagine two showers and engagements parties.

Anyway, I know you are handling things as best as you can. This kinda crap from a MIL is on thing but from your own mother is something else.

Good luck.
That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

I get what you're saying, bride2008, but I do think that it's easier to hang up on your aunt than your mother, no matter how unreasonable your mother is being. She's still your mom, and no matter how much of a spoiled brat she's being, it's still hard.

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 1:54 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Somewhere along the line of various posts, I got the idea that your marriage to Derrick is an inter-racial marriage. Is that correct, or did I get the wrong idea? If it is correct, then your mother is not just a "class bigot," but also a "racial bigot." I'm not in any position to tell you what you "should" do about her, except that I hope that your future children will not be exposed to her and her attitudes. So, what will you do at the actual wedding--segregate it?
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Bride2008, I wish it was that easy. I have told my mother I won't put up with her and her various temper tantrums. You act like it is so easy for me to do. You have not lived with this woman so you can't begin to understand what it is like for me. Why are you always to negative towards me? I haven't ever done anything to you. I would think you of all people would be able to understand instead of being mean about it. .

The idea of the two parties was Derrick's mother's not mine. I was actually thinking that I don't want to deal with my mother's party at all and just enjoy the one that Derrick's family is hosting. She said I should attend my mother's party because she IS my mother.

MIss Myra I don't think my mother is a racial bigot, but I do agree with you in that she is a class bigot. I think most of her objections would be the same if Derrick were white. You are correct that it is a biracial relationship

I am still working out how to deal with her when the time comes for the children. I know I don't want to have separate events for every aspect of my life but this whole thing of striking out on my own is very new to me. I don't think I have ever openly defied my mother on so many things before. It has always been easier to just give in to her. Standing up for myself is still very new. I don't want to seem like I am having a tantrum to get my way when I am disagreeing with my mother.

Daddy's Little Girl

 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Well since I am almost 100% sure I have never replied to you before - I guess all my replies to you are "negative".

I never said it was easy - I don't expect it to be. To say I don't know what its like to live with her is correct - but neither my parents weren't exactly Walt and June Cleaver.

Its an open message board and I simply gave you my advice. I understand she is your mother and its hard. I see FMIL's point about going to her party because she is your mom. I just think that the sooner you stop feeding into her crap, the happier you will be.

Oh, and one more thing Trina. I was perfectly nice and friendly when we had lunch to you. I was telling Kelley and a few other brides.com ladies that I chat with how pretty you are in person earlier today. So I wouldn't exactly say I am negative. Blunt, yes. Negative, no.





P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter


Edited by: Bride2008 on Aug 3, 2009 2:18 PM

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Our Compromise... Separate... Divide.... Or Shoot her!!!
Posted: Aug 3, 2009 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells, I think you should be proud of yourself for how you are handling this whole mess. She sounds like my grandmom on my mothers side. The best way to deal with her is to ignore her, let her think she is getting her way and keep a good sense of humor about the who thing, all of which you are doing.


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