A question about the registry

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acwilde Posts : 13 Registered: 7/25/09
A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:01 AM

my fiance and i have being living together for three years now, and will have been living together for almost five when we get married. we already have one daughter, and are planning another child most likely before the wedding.
untraditional, i suppose, but i want a family, and i also want the big celebration, and because of my life, and the fact that we are paying for the wedding entirely ourselves, the wedding can't come until later.
we also just bought our first home.
we have everything we need inside the house, and this wedding is going to cost us an arm and a leg, but we are having it anyways - you only get married once.
i understand that giving money as a gift is a very popular gift, but not everyone chooses to do that. also, if you don`t put a registry card in your invitations, people will most likely just start calling you to ask where you are registered, or what you want.
i am trying to find a way to put it in my invitations that we would prefer money gifts, without sounding snotty or rude.
my friend just got married, and on her invitations it said, "Please, no boxed gifts."
is this a good way to put it, or is there a better way to say it? or am i just asking for too much?
if we receive money gifts at our wedding, it will help to pay for the wedding, as well as help us pay for a honeymoon.
any advice would be helpfiul

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FunkyBride Posts : 17 Registered: 7/28/09
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Good morning!... If I were you I would register on a honeymoon registry (thehoneymoon.com). They even give you advice on how to word it in your invitation:

We look forward to your presence on our special day! Of course, all we ask is your presence. If you cannot attend, your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. We do realize that many of you may wish to give us a wedding gift to commemorate our union together. Since we already have most of the traditional wedding gift items, we have decided to offer our guests a popular new wedding gift alternative - our honeymoon registry. This will allow you to help us create the honeymoon memories that will last us a lifetime.

The money that people put on your registry comes to you in a check. So if you have more than what you need for a honeymoon then you bank the rest. Also... If people don't want to do this the obvious next choice is to give you a monetary gift. Hope this helps :)




....Smells like Teen Spirit....

wedding tickers

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 11:49 AM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Dear AC,

No, no, no, no and no.

It is rude to put any mention of any gifts in an invitation. Gifts are voluntary on the part of the giver. It is not up to you to proactively direct gift giving, and especially not cash gifts.

Your "no boxed gifts" friend was wrong. There have been message threads on this forum where people think of creative ways to give tangible gifts without involving a box. They put it in a gift bag, or take it out of the box and wrap it up, etc.

I also vote against honeymoon registries. This is a thinly veiled request for cash, which is rude in itself. Honeymoon registries take a cut out of the gift. In other words, if I give $100 to a honeymoon registry, the couple ends up with $93. Seven dollars of my money goes not to you but to the website people.

I'm not, totally not, going to do that. If I want to give you $100 for your honeymoon, I'll hand you an envelope with the cash or check and "For Your Honeymoon" on the outside.

Here is what you can do.

Write your invitation without any mention of gifts.

Then, when people ask you "Dear what would you like for a gift?", just tell them that you are saving up for something "big". Your house needs a kitchen remodel, for example, and you are saving towards that goal. Hint-hint a cash gift would go to that project.

If someone doesn't ask, then you don't tell.

When someone says "our house is fully furnished and we don't need anything", I have to laugh. Sure, my house is fully furnished after 33 years of marriage, but I still need stuff. Bedsheets and towels wear out and get ratty. I just bought another dozen juice glasses because of the dozen we had a couple of years ago, only three are left. I bought a new bedspread last year because the dog pooped on the old one.

There's always stuff that breaks, wears out or looks ratty. If I totally did not know what to buy a couple, I would just go with a safe present like a set of bath towels. You know you'll need them, eventually.

Finally, don't plan on fiancing your wedding with wedding gifts. People do that and come up short. Bad idea. Finance the wedding with the cash you have in hand, now.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Dear AC,

Also, see this thread

http://www.brides.com/forums/planning-and-etiquette/thread.jspa?threadID=67016&tstart=0

where I wrote some "sample" money-grubbing poems for the greedy bride and groom.

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FunkyBride Posts : 17 Registered: 7/28/09
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

I will agree with AOTB on the fact that it is not acceptable to directly ask for cash or the "no boxed gifts" thing. But I dont see a honeymoon registry as being offensive at all... or putting registry information in the invite either. Everybody knows that people register for weddings... it easier for you to put it in there and give them the option than to make everyone call. Also... yes the honeymoon registries do take usually 5% of the money... all the more reason if people don't want to go throught that... They give you cash! (just what you wanted in the first place :).




....Smells like Teen Spirit....

wedding tickers

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somedaysoon Posts : 32 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

aotb is absolutely correct on this one. do not mention a reigstry in your wedidng invitations. if someone is throwing you a shower though, i believe it is alright for them to include registry info in that invitation (she may disagree with me there :)

the honeymoon registry is a bit of a scam and a bit off putting to some (esp if you don't intend on using the money for the honeymoon!).

congrats and best wishes!

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

You shouldnt put registry info in your wedding invites. If youre having a shower, normally this is where the information goes, and then the guests will know by the wedding. They can also ask around. I'm going to 2 weddings this month and I simply asked the bride, or a bridesmaid where she is registered at. no big deal.

YoOu cannot ask specifically for cash either. I think a wedding is a perfect time to upgrade your household items. So even though DH and I lived together before and also had our own places before that, we had all shotty items so its nice to have upgraded things now that dont fall apart.

When I was planning my honeymoon, I looked into the registry and it seems like a scam to me. All it was was me selecting "dinner on the beach...etc" and then the place sends me a check. Who says I need to spend that on "dinner on the beach"? Esepcially since our resort was all inclusive and we didnt shell out a single dime the whole time.

I think if you want cash, then just dont register anywhere. But then you risk getting those weird gifts you will never use and duplicates.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: somedaysoon

Dear Someday,

"if someone is throwing you a shower though, i believe it is alright for them to include registry info in that invitation (she may disagree with me there :) "

Putting registry info in a shower invitation is a Minor Etiquette Misdemeanor. I, personally, don't like to see it there, but it's not a total Etiquette Felony like putting it in the wedding invitation.

If the shower is hosted by a friend (not Mom, not Sis), then the hostess has nothing personally to gain by including registry info. If the shower is hosted by Mom or Sis, I'd say leave the registry info out.

I gave a shower for a young friend of mine last year. I did not include registry info in the shower invitation. When people called to RSVP, most of them asked and I filled them in at the time. If not, they either already knew from other sources or had some other gift already in mind.

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acwilde Posts : 13 Registered: 7/25/09
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

dear auntofthebride...
who paid for your wedding?
i'm not trying to be rude or anything, but it seems you come from a time (or place) when newlyweds had help from family members. my fiance and myself did not come from places like this. i have been living on my own since i was 14 years old, putting myself through highschool, college, and now university. my finace is the exact same way. we see family members occasionally but either they do not have any means to help us in any way, or they do not care to. i am talking moral, emotional, monetary, and other support. because my fiance wants to have a large guest list we are having a large guest list. i think if you are only ever going to have one big party in your life time - mineaswell have a big one. my wedding budget is going to be around $15,000. this is a lot of money. and yes i am going to shell it out on my own. but, we will not have hardlly any left for the honey moon. i have never been to a wedding where ALL guests did not bring gifts. to think that having the guests know what you actually want is rude, is a strange idea for me.
also, i have been to over twenty weddings, and never have i seen an invitation that was registry-less. i have never even heard tell of a friend or family member going to a wedding that was registry-less. nowadays it is regualr practice, not rudeness. i am also not being rude. if you are going to get me a gift anyways, i would prefer it if you did not get me another toaster, or another set of bath towels, i would prefer you helped me with my honeymoon.
i do not agree with "honeymoon" registries, or the like. i think it is stupid to give money to a website so they can issue me a check for less. i agree with you on that point.
i wish you could simply understand my position and try to see it from my perspective, rather than sitting in your place, trying to make me see it your way.
advice should help the person, not make them feel bad about their thoughts.
thank you
and hope you have a terrific day

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

acwild - I find your post extremely confusing. What do who paid for AOTB's wedding, your family background, or how much your wedding costs have to do with registry etiquette? The answer is nothing - whether you have been on your own since you were 14 or have had parents who paid your way until you were 30, it's STILL tacky to put registry information or a request for cash gifts on your invitation.

AOTB has essentially just told you the proper etiquette rule that applies to this situation. Additionally, most of the other PP's have agreed with her. Your response is nonsensical - essentially you are saying "AOTB, I don't like the advice you've given, so I think you're mean and rude and can't possibly understand my situation." This has nothing to do with "seeing it from your perspective" or "trying to make you see it her way," this is a bright line etiquette rule - all she's done is told it to you. AOTB may be mean and rude (though I don't think she is!), but even if that's the case, it is still absolutely positively 100% certainly rude to include your registry information on your wedding invitation or to request cash gifts on your wedding invitation. End of story.

Instead of getting your panties in a twist, it might be helpful for you to simply listen to what AOTB and the other posters have to say on this issue, and understand that at least some of your wedding guests will feel this way. Are there people you will invite who won't care? Sure. But I guarantee that at least some of your guests will know the proper rule, and will think you're being rude, even though they won't say anything to you about it. It's up to you whether you want to live with that.


P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Im not really sure how it coud be your guests problems that you wanna spend $15K on a wedding then cry b/c you have nothing left to take a honeymoon with. So scale back! I mean, seriously, whats the point of a budget then if you're gunna cry you can't afford things? I dont like the idea of the guests "paying" for your honeymoon because YOU cant afford one. You aren't entitled to one unless you can afford one. So get off YOUR high horse. Save up some money and stop whining that no one will help you. B/c it sure sounds like whining to me.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 3:38 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

acwilde, I have butted heads with aunt before, but on this issue she and I see completley eye to eye!!!! It is rude to mention gifts in the wedding invitation. Guests are not required to bring a gift and therefore telling them what you want makes it sounds as if the only reason you are inviting them is to get a gift. When people ask you where you are registered, just tell them that you are not, and most will understand that you are looking for cash. Understand, though, there are some people who will still bring a gift instead of cash, and would even if you put in neon blinking lights that you only wanted cash.

Now, as far as your assertion that advice should help the person and not make them feel like their thoughts are wrong...if your thoughts are wrong, then telling you so is helping you. At least you now can make whatever decision you decide to with your eyes wide open, and know that if you choose to ask for cash, people will think you are tacky. Isn't that better than all of us blowing sunshine up your ass and then people thinking you're tacky but you don't expect it?! When you say that any advice is appreciated, you have to understand that you might not hear what you want to hear. If all you're looking for is affirmation that you are correct, well then that is what you should ask for.

 

Proud member and S.C.A.T. of POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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nejnej261 Posts : 68 Registered: 5/20/08
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

Hoping for money it totally fine...but there is no polite way to ask for it. I have to agree with the others that asking for money seems a little tacky and I would not do it. You definitely have the choice to do it but some people may not appreciate that. You know your friends and family so you will be able to answer your question the best. Those people that are part of your life and that know your situation will probably already know you prefer a cash gift. Do not do a registry and hopefully many guests will understand and give you money. Usually people include a gift receipt with gifts so you should be able to return anything you do not need or want. Money is a popular wedding gift so you may still get enough to go on a honeymoon without directly asking for it.

It can be difficult not to take the advice on these boards personally. It is understood that each bride's situation is different. Some posters are more direct with their responses. Most of the time the advice is valid but if you do not like the way people are responding then it may be more helpful for you to browse other previous posts on similar topics. That way you can get the advice you are looking for without the personal touch. In the end advice is just advice and you will have to make the decision that is right for you.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 4, 2009 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: acwilde

dear AC,

"mineaswell have a big one. my wedding budget is going to be around $15,000"

My wedding cost about $1000, in my parents' back yard and yes, they paid for it. My dress was $85, for starters.

With a total budget of $15,000, after spending $1000 for the wedding I'd have $14,000 for a nice honeymoon. (My actual honeymoon was about $200. We went camping.)

I did not have to money-grub from my guests. I had the budget I had, got the gifts I got and moved on with life.

***

Look, there's nothing personal, but rules are rules. It's poor etiquette to direct other people's gifts to you without having been asked. It doesn't matter where you come from, what budget you have, how long you've been supporting yourself.

It's like coming to a stop at a red light. The red light and trafflic laws don't care if you had an unhappy childhood. It only cares if you stop.

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PinkHippo Posts : 53 Registered: 11/2/08
Re: A question about the registry
Posted: Aug 9, 2009 6:14 AM Go to message in response to: acwilde

I was in a similar situation. My FH and I have been together for almost 8 years now and have lived together for about 4 and a half. We have pretty much everything we need. And if we needed it we bought it. We both of course would just like money too, who doesnt. We registered for just a few things. We registered at Kohls for some new dishes, some sheets and towels that we might not normally buy for ourselves. I looked for stuff that we liked, maybe had our eye on but never bought for ourselves becuse we thought spending $100 on sheets was stupid when we could spend $20. We definatly did not register for enough stuff for our whole guest list to buy for us espically after you put a shower or two into the mix. I am then hoping that when people go to purchase us a gift and most of them are gone they will just send money. It seams to be working well so far, most of our gifts were bought for us for the two bridal showers I had. We have been getting lots of cards in the mail from people who could not make it, so I am hoping they have money inside.

I also like the honeymoon idea. I have had friends that have done that and you can put money towards just a general trip or your guests can pick stuff to buy for you such as a plane ticket or a night in your hotel room or differnet things like that.

Asking for money right out is rude and never a good idea. Your guests should not feel like they are paying you to be at your wedding. Or paying for their own food. I would not include this info on your invitation. I would include an inclosure with your invitations. I had one with our hotel information, shuttle information, and at the bottom one line that said this couple is registered at.....

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