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Wedding Help

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BlueTiger Posts : 5 Registered: 7/30/09
Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 12:06 PM

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with two things. I am a pretty shy person and I don't handle large groups of ppl very well. I have never thrown a big party or had to put on anything as large as a wedding before. I was wondering if anyone has gone through being very nervous for the wedding because of a large crowd to entertain and socialize with. I'm usually not the sort of person that is the center of attention and I normally try not to be. Another issue I would like some advice for is how to deal with my father not being there. We were very very close and he passed away several years ago. I know I should be happy with the wedding coming up but I feel very sad that he won't be there and I know that my family that is attending will be sad as well. Some of them have already been talking about the fact that he is gone and won't be there to walk me down the aisle and all that, and it is kind of bringing me down. Any advice would be much appreciated.

november_2009 , southern_california
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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 12:22 PM Go to message in response to: BlueTiger

Blue, welcome to the boards! Congratulations on your engagement as well!! I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Weddings are BIG things to plan! I couldn't believe I planned one!! But you don't HAVE to have a large wedding. You can have a very small, intimate ceremony with just close family and a few close friends. Then you wouldn't have the large crowd there. Many girls have small ceremonies on the beach or in their church and small reception or party.

I'm very sorry about your father. I'm very close to mine and can't imagine the pain of losing him. Do you have a brother or grandfather you're close to that could walk you down the aisle? What about your mother? It's not as traditional, but more and more you see girls having other people walk them down the aisle. I know it's hard to hear others talking about it, and really they should think of your feelings. It only makes you feel bad. No one or nothing can replace your father being there, but know that he will be there in love, and I'm sure would want you to have a happy and wonderful day.

There are many women on these boards that are facing or have faced similar situations as yours and I know they'll be of more great help to you! best Wishes!!!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

november_2009 , may_2009 , ohio , southern_california
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BlueTiger Posts : 5 Registered: 7/30/09
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Thank you for your reply. Fortunatley the wedding isn't too large, about 60 ppl total, mainly family, large for me but considering how large my fiance's and mine families are its tiny ;). My brother is walking me down which is nice, we're not close but he's happy to do it. I believe my father will be there in love as well, which helps a lot. I think part of it is feeling overwhelmed. My dad always helped me with anything I needed and was also my strongest support system. I don't have any family here and I've been planning every detail by myself, and without a lot of experience or knowledge of weddings its been a challenge. Sites like these have helped so much, it would of been so hard if all these wedding sites werent around to tell me what's included in a wedding. I've been trying to keep everything as simple as possible, but elegant. We already have all our vendors which is a huge stress release with 3 months to go. And we're having it at a venue by the marina which is nice because boats and the ocean meant so much to my father and to both our families.

november_2009 , may_2009 , ohio , southern_california
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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 1:01 PM Go to message in response to: BlueTiger

I read in a magazine one time that a good way to handle yourself in big social situations, such as a wedding reception, is to ask people about themselves. That way, you just ask them a question and all you have to do is listen. I tried it out at my bridal shower last weekend and it worked so well. I'd ask people what their kids were up to, what was keeping them busy lately, how was that vacation, etc...I had very little talking to do. They'd also ask me questions, usually about my job, how wedding planning is coming, what honeymoon plans are. By that time it was time to move on to other people. Guests at your wedding will understand that you don't have an hour to sit and talk to them. They'll catch up with you, have a brief conversation, and there's no trouble in saying "it's been great catching up with you. I hope you have a wonderful time, and i'm sure I'll see you throughout the night."





november_2009 , southern_california , illinois_chicago
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: BlueTiger

dear BT,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. You are keeping to a small guest list, small in proportion to your huge families. You are working on the planning, and getting all that in line will help with your anxiety.

To tell you the truth, it's refreshing to see a bride who doesn't want to hog the spotlight. I've seen plenty of weddings where the bride wants everything to revolve around ME ME ME. If you are somewhat shy, and want to stay out of the center of attention, that means there will be plenty of focus on your new husband, his family, your family and people like that. That's nice. Very good.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

My niece lost both of her parents before she was 18, and as a result moved in with us. When she got married, she walked down the aisle by herself. She told everyone she wanted her late mother and late father to be right there by her side. When I saw her enter the church, I could totally see her parents there with her, and I turned into a sobbing wretch. She was so beautiful and I could see both her parents looking at her with pride and love. I was glad I had a WHOLE BOX of Kleenex in the pew with me because I sure needed it!!!

That might be an option for you. Think about it. On the other hand, if you feel shy and want some tangible person with you, your brother is a good substitute. A lot of brides walk with their mother. There's no need to have a male escort. I walked with both my parents.

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BlueTiger Posts : 5 Registered: 7/30/09
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

That sounds beautiful, I'm sure they were there with her. I like that idea of having my mother walk down as well, I'll ask her. That would be nice to have both of them, it's just the three of us and we've been through so much since dad passed. I think my biggest issues are worrying too much about if ppl will have fun and like the food and decor and all that. I think I spend too much time worrying and thinking about if the guests will have a good time. My family that is coming in, I never get to see them, I've only seen my mother once in three years unfortunately, so I think that gives me a bit more anxiety then I should have with wanting to make it so special for them since none of us get together too often. I've heard of those shows on t.v bridezilla or something like that about where brides are out of control. I've read things online and heard stories from people I know where the bride had to have every little detail perfect and has to be exactly how she wants it. That everything had to be a certain way and there was no second option. My finace's sister who is a bridesmaid is kind of filling that role ;).

She tried taking over everything trying to make it her wedding, and she thinks she should have her own dressing room, limo, pick her up and give her a ride when we are on a tight schedule that morning, invite her friends we dont know and we arent even having friends, just family, she even wants to go on our honeymoon with us, and the list goes on, and she knows we don't have any money to put twoards anything extra, just basics, my brother is taking over a lot of it, but there is only so much he can do. He's being generous enough as it is and I'm not going to ask him for things she wants. All she does is boss us around and wants to hang out with us whenever she is bored and fix things for her, like her safety net. She is too much, and I don't have the energy or time to argue with her about everything she wants. I wonder how you and everyone else who has put together a wedding has survived all these factors. I feel exhausted sometimes ;).

november_2009 , southern_california
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BlueTiger Posts : 5 Registered: 7/30/09
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

That sounds like a great idea. That will make the rounds at the reception a lot easier, and will probably make ppl feel a little more important.

november_2009 , southern_california , illinois_chicago
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding Help
Posted: Jul 30, 2009 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: BlueTiger

Dear BT,

I think that walking between your mother and your brother sounds lovely. I really hope that works out. You'll have support on both sides, that way, from people who love you. Your father will be right there with you, in spirit.

Let me tell you something I believe to be true about shyness, and suggest a way to look at it.

I think, in some cases, shyness is actually self-centeredness. It's like the person is saying "Everyone is looking at me. Everyone is watching me. Everyone is watching every little move I make and waiting for me to do something wrong."

Many extroverted, show-off people think exactly the same way, except they ENJOY being the center of attention. They like thinking that everyone is looking at them. The shy person does not enjoy the attention.

Think of it as two sides of the same coin. Both the shy person and the show-off person have incorrect views of what people are doing, but react in different ways.

The truth is that most people pay some attention to the others in the room, but shift their attention from one person to another. They don't stare at one person, waiting to see what that person will do. They talk to others, think their own thoughts, look at the room decor, look down to see their clothing is OK (not dirty, etc), think of their poor aching feet in those darn high heels, hope the babysitter is OK with the kids, then their attention goes back to other people.

You (Miss Shy or Miss Show-off) get, in reality, a fraction of the attention of other people. Granted, a bride at a wedding gets more than the usual amount of attention, but still there's those other thoughts about tight shoes, babysitters and what the boss said yesterday at work.

So, try remembering that it's actually incorrect to think everyone is watching you every minute. They are not. That might help with your shyness. It's all part of growing up and learning one's way in the world.

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