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Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(

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AnitaBeer Posts : 6 Registered: 7/28/09
Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 2:10 PM

Ok... I don't like to air my problems... but in this case I would really like to know if I'm being wrong. I'll try to make this as compact as possible:

My fiance and I got engaged a year and a half ago... Our date is 10.23.09. The bridal party would include my 2 sisters, my best friend, and his brothers wife. For the men: His best friend, 2 brothers, and my sisters husband. (conveniently identical). Well at first it wasn't so easy... we had to switch my dream wedding date (halloween) to accomodate his best man... switch venues everything. Now this problem is the biggest: I'll start at the beginning...

My girls and I went to get our dresses in March. Everyone had fair warning of the date we were going to get our dresses.. and I shared the decision with all of them to make sure i wasnt picking an overpriced dress or anything. Well anyway.. I got my dress that day... and 3 of my girls did. Everyone except My Future sister in law. She said she had to talk with her husband before she bought it. I thought no big deal... Well our dresses come in June. The dress store calls and lets me know... but they didnt mention the SIL's dress. I asked about it.. they said she hadnt even ordered it. I've talked to her about it several times.. asking if it was a money problem or anything else and she just says no no i'm getting it soon. So the store just called me again today and said she needs to order it now if she wants it on time for the wedding. I told my fiance that my feelings are really hurt that she doesnt care about our wedding.. but we'll have to deal with it. If she decides to not get her dress and basically blow us off then we'll just have his brother (her husband) not get a tux so we'll be even again. My FH blew his lid and said no we'll be cutting my Brother in Law.. because those two are lined up with eachother. Now my Sister and BIL paid for our photography and whole wedding shower. His brother and SIL did nothing.... well none of his family did. So I told my fiance that doesnt make sense... My Sister & BIL have done so much for our wedding why would I say sorry you cant be in it. Why would I take it out on him. His brother should be out... since its his own wifes fault.. and if he cared he would've talked to her about this. Since everyone knows whats going on! Well now my FH is royally pissed at me... but I really don't think I'm wrong? He says I'm attacking his family.. (we have had disagreements about them before about wedding stuff but I can't say I've ever attacked them). I feel like I'm in a twilight zone here. Anyone?

Edited by: AnitaBeer on Jul 28, 2009 2:31 PM

the last thing i want to do is be on bad terms with my new family. i am not a b*tch like that. so everyone knows. thanks.

and also... its not that i want to "kick" his brother out of the wedding. i just don't see how he will go about getting everything if his own wife didnt. i dunno :(

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 2:25 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Since he has a say in what goes on on his side of the aisle if he decides that the groomsman he wants to get rid of is your brother in law it is his right. I don't think you should ask him to chose between his brother and your brother in law. It is his brother afterall. Try having a face to face with fsil and see if you can get to the bottom of this issue with the dress. There might be a problem with finances and she is to proud to tell you about it.

You can drop her is you need to but you can't come between the brothers that just isn't right to even imply it is crazy. How would you feel if he told you you had to get rid of your sister. There is no law that says the sides have to be even.

BTW the fact that your sister and her husband have made a financial contribution is irrelevant.

 

 

 

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 2:26 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Anita- sorry this is all going on, that's no fun!!! Now, down to business. My wedding party was uneven. After some big issues, a BM was cut, she agreed, it was awful, but HAD to be done. At first we tried to figure out how to make it even again, cut a GM? Get another BM? No, it wouldn't be fair to the GM, and it would very rude to another girl to be "second choice" as a BM. So we left it uneven, and it worked out fine. No one cared, no one said anything. Having absolutly even BP's these days is not such a big issue. For pictures, you can stagger the BM and GM to make it look less obvious.

As for dropping the brother b/c of his wife.... you're treading into dangerous water here. Just because your family has spent a lot for showers and such and his brother and wife have not does not mean one couple has more "rights" to stay in the WP than the other. Perhaps his brother and wife don't have quite the money that your family does. But telling your FH that his brother should be kicked out of the wedding is not wise. You are marrying into the family as well and don't want to deal with awkardness and resentment for years to come if you kick them both out. Yes, she should order the dress, but have you sat down with her face to face and talked to her about it? Maybe she is having money issues and is too embarassed to admit it. It sounds like calmly talking to her about the situation might shed light onto what may be really going on. But kicking your FH's brother out of the wedding just to make it even isn't fair and it won't make anything any better.

Daisypath

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 2:44 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Hello,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Planning a wedding can be a most stressful time. Family problems certainly don't make it any easier. From what I understand of your situation, basically you futuer SIL has not purchased/ordered her dress. Was she included in the bridal party because her husband was standing up? Does she feel like an outsider or is money an issue? Checking with her husband can be one of two things, either a lack of committment on her part or a real money issue in the household. In either case, you've given them every opportunity to take care of the dress. Perhaps you can have one last conversation with her.

Until you know what she is planning, you are up in the air regarding the guys. While both of you may have worked as a couple to decide who would stand up in the wedding party, it is really the decision of each party (B/G) to decide who stands with them. The future SIL is your problem to address. You have a couple of alternatives. You can force her to decide. You can replace her or you can only have 3 standing. Once you make that choice, then your FH can decide what he wants to do.

Just because the future SIL has not ordered the dress, the brother should not be punished. How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your sister was being asked to sit out due to the actions of your BIL. It is somewhat tacky to ask somebody to step out. In addition, the groom's side does have a little bit more flexibility. You can have two guys escort on lady or the extra guy can be an usher. But this choice should be your FHs and not yours. Honestly, I do understand the gift your sister and her husband have given you. But from your FH's pov, you are asking him to tell his brother (an important person in his life) he is no longer in the bridal party.

If your FH were to rank the men standing with him, I suspect you BIL would be the lowest on the totem pole. You can discuss the options with your FH. He might surprise you and ask one of his friends to be an usher. Or perhaps he will insist on having an extra groomsman. In this case, I do believe you overstepped your boundries by telling him what to do. It would have been better to explain the problem and see what he decided.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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AnitaBeer Posts : 6 Registered: 7/28/09
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Thank you everyone for replying... I do believe I will call her and tell her that she has to get her dress by the end of the week or it won't be in on time. Then my FH and I can decide what to do.

I will say to everyone that asked what I would do if the role was reversed.... my Sister would NEVER let my BIL mess up my wedding. I guess we were raised differently.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

I guess I really don't understand. If seh doesn't get the dress then obviously she won't be in the wedding, but how is she messing up your wedding? Does it matter that much if she isn't in it? If so, why?

I just am confused about why it is so important, if it is.

And I hope that you, when discussing this with your FH, take everyone's advice and leave the choice about his side of the aisle to him. LOTS of weddings have uneven sides, mine did, and it wasn't even close to ruined as a result.

I agree with whoever said that contributing to your wedding is not relevant as far as being in the wedding party.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Obviously if she doesn't get the dress then she's not in the weddding (as Cyndi mentioned).

But why do you need to kick his brother out. For the love of Pete just have UNEVEN sides. NO ONE CARES.

Seriously, end of discussion. I can't see as how I blame your FH for being upset with you wanting to kick his brother out.

 

 

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:29 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

If your FSIL drops out of the WP, why do you have to kick one of the men out? They didn't do anything to deserve being kicked out. Why not just leave the WP as it is? So you'll have uneven sides - who cares? A lot of weddings have an uneven number of BMs and GM. We did. It wasn't the end of the world.

As far as your FSIL goes, I would have been on her case about the dress ages ago. I'm surprised that your bridal store ordered the dresses when one girl had yet to place her order. Most bridal salons wait to place the order until all BMs have ordered - that way, all the dresses will be made from materials from the same dye lot. Anyway, there's no going back now, so you'll just have to make the best of the situation you have. Call and talk to her. Tell her that the store called and the deadline for placing her order is the end of the week. If she places her order by then, super. If not, she cannot be in the wedding.

I absolutely would not cut a man from the WP simply because a woman in dropping out. That's like uninviting someone - it's just rude. On top of that, your FH asked these men for a reason. Presumably, they are close to him and he wants them to stand next to him at the wedding. This isn't your call - it's his, and he wants them there. How would you like it if he asked you to cut someone important to you out of your side of the WP? I expect you'd feel pretty much the same as he does. Just leave the WP with uneven sides. Nobody will notice or care. If you care about symmetry for photos, just talk to your photographer. This won't be the first wedding with uneven sides that he/she has photographed. They're good at making groups of people look good.

I suspect that your FSIL probably won't be in the WP, but try not to take it so personally. There's no need for a dramatic accusation that she doesn't care about you or your wedding. In fact, it's probably not even about you. She's probably busy, doesn't have the money and doesn't want to admit it, or some other reason that has nothing to do with you. Or perhaps she was never crazy about the idea of being in the WP, but felt obligated to accept. In any case, try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, but just try to stay calm and accept whatever she decides. She's your FH's sister, after all, so you'll have to deal with her for many years after the wedding. Don't let wedding drama destroy the relationship (or future relationship) that you have with her. Chalk it up to people acting stangely when weddings are involved.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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AnitaBeer Posts : 6 Registered: 7/28/09
re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:38 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

you can read that one below too... sarcastic sally. your no help to anyone.


Edited by: AnitaBeer on Jul 28, 2009 3:48 PM

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AnitaBeer Posts : 6 Registered: 7/28/09
Re: Am I right.. or Bridezilla :(
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:45 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Hmmm well... its kind of important because it's added stress I don't need or want when I'm planning my wedding that is 3 MONTHS AWAY?! Or maybe because she's a part of my new family... and it hurts that she has no regard for me. If you don't have any advice or as you say "don't care" then get out of the forums. I was asking for other peoples' thoughts and opinions. No its not a life altering problem. I just wanted to air out something that was on my mind to other brides. That's what this site is for! So you move on and get over it, Bitch.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:50 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

And you deleted the post, changed it from grandma to bitch plus made a few more alterations and didn't actually kick pharm off the board as you did me (hahahaha) and reposted to pharm. Here's the original in case anyone missed it, but I don't take "grandma" as a bad thing. I am actually thrilled to be having grand babies soon, next tuesday is the first in fact. and I can't wait.

Again, it's VERY common to have uneven sides in weddings but if you want to get all bent out of shape over it so be it. I really hope you don't demand your FHs brother step down though. good grief. and yes, you ARE being a bridezilla. I gave you the benefit of the doubt the first time, but your post below removed ALL doubt of how you're behaving. My two new SILs welcomed me totally and they didn't have to purchase and wear a BM dress to do so. that just makes no sense. It has nothing to do with whether or not you're welcomed into the family. Maybe she just doesnt want to be in the party for WHATEVER reason and you don't know, cause you don't appear to have asked. Rather, you're just off having a temper tantrum and threatening to have your FH kick his own brother out of the wedding party.

and here's the deleted post., I HATE when people delete their posts.

"Hmmm well... its kind of important because it's added stress I don't
need or want when I'm planning my wedding that is 3 MONTHS AWAY?! If
you don't have any advice or as you say "don't care" then get out of
the forums. I was asking for other peoples' thoughts and opinions. No
its not a life altering problem. I just wanted to air out something
that was on my mind to other brides. That's what this site is for! So
you move on and get over it, Grandma."

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

ah, ok. I wasn't being sarcastic and I posted it because you deleted the post. You then changed it, and reposted the attack but directed at pharm.

You aren't making any sense and are blowing this WAY WAY WAY out of proportion. grow up. and GOOD LUCK with your wedding, you will need it if you are this wound up with 3 months to go still.

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AnitaBeer Posts : 6 Registered: 7/28/09
Re: re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

actually i didnt kick anyone off.. so you should study up on your computer knowledge. Second of all I deleted so I could post that to both of you. The only two that were sarcastic and rude. Everyone else gave me advice whether they were on my side or not... but with some tact. So you should go invest in some of that.

I'm glad your new family likes you btw. Good for you... hope you can keep it that way seeing as you probably don't have too many friends with that attitude :) Have a wonderful day.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 4:07 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Please point out where I had no tact?? I asked you why this was such a big deal because I honestly did not understand why it would be. and you flipped out.

I also suggested you follow everyone else's advice about NOT expecting or demanding or even asking your FH to kick his brother out of the wedding.

and again, YOU flipped out. You did not address the post to both of us. You wrote one to me suggesting I get off the boards, and then you wrote another (but quite a bit changed) to pharm and actually called her a bitch. She hadn't said anything rude either. She gave you her OPINION which is what you said you wanted.

My conclusion? You're insane and you need to take a step back from the wedding planning and figure out that who stands up or doesn't stand up does not make or break your wedding and should not dictate whether or not your wedding is "ruined". My point about the SILs is that whether or not she stands up in your wedding does not have any bearing on whether or not she accepts you into teh family. There is NO logical connection to that, and if you could figure that out it could relieve some of the unnecessasry stress.

good grief, again.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: re
Posted: Jul 28, 2009 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: AnitaBeer

Wow Anita. Honestly, I think you owe Pharmtox and Cyndi an apology here. You are WAY out of line with your comments. Talk about a huuuge overreaction. when Pharm said "noone cares," she was talking about noone cares that the Wedding party is uneven, and she is right. Noone really cares about that. Modern day weddings have all kinds of wedidng parties, including uneven ones. There was absolutely NO reason for you to go off like that, or to tell anyone to get off the boards. You need to grow up and get some thicker skin if you plan on hanging around here. NOBODY gave you rude advice. they gave you their opinions on the matter. Take them or leave them, but dont go calling people a bitch and threatening them.

As for the dress, just deal with that issue directly with the BM involved. Dont punish the BIL for something he has nothing to do with.

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