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Uninviting overseas guests

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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 1:53 PM

My fiancé and I have recently had to cut our guests list to include close family and friends only. However, we have already sent out save the dates to the guests and now have the dilemma of how to tell them they are no longer invited because of financial reasons. We have trimmed or budget and cut out some of the things that we really wanted, we even cancelled our honeymoon. The problem is not telling the guests who live in the country but those who are overseas and might be making travel plans in order to attend the wedding. These persons are not close friends and we only have email addresses and mailing addresses for them. How do we tell them they are no longer invited to in a polite manner?

april_2010 , caribbean
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

You don't. Once someone has received a save the date, there is no polite way to tell them they are getting cut. You can either postpone the wedding or continue to cut back - but cutting people will be hurtful and rude.

Put yourself in their shoes. You get a save the date, make plans, booked airfare, ask for time off, etc. Then the bride and groom tell you "Sorry, we can't afford it. You can't come" How would that make you feel?

Save the dates are tricky, and a lot of people aren't a fan of them for this very reason. Once you mail them you have to invite the people who received them.


 

 

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new_york_metro , april_2010 , october_2008 , caribbean
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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

There really is no "polite." way to do this. You mention that they are not close friends, so if you do "cut" them, they could be insulted and end their relationship with you--decide whether this is a consequence you can handle. The only way I could think of to squirm out of your dilemma would be to notify them that the wedding has been postponed, indefinitely (you even could move the date up and give less time to plan!). Then, "forget" to include them when you reschedule. Even if you do decide to invite them later, DON"T send a save-the-date (making it less likely that they'll attend.)
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

Edited by: myra on Jul 21, 2009 2:08 PM

april_2010 , caribbean
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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 2:08 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

We have already postponed the wedding already and postponing it again is not an option. The only thing that we currently have on the budget is the venue which we have already booked (which by the way is the cheapest on the island) so it is not possible to cut the budget anymore.

new_york_metro , april_2010 , october_2008 , caribbean
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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:05 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

You just can't send out STDs and then uninvite them. That's just plain rude.

If money is truly an issue, then cancel the wedding and go to the courthouse!

Married 9.20.08

 

 

september_2008 , new_york_metro , april_2010 , northern_california , october_2008 , caribbean
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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

I'm sure you had your dream wedding last year BenjaminsWife . I'm not able to have mine but at least I want it to be with my family and close friends. Yes I might be hurt if someone sent me a save the date and didn't send an invitation but I would not hold it against them. Etiquette recommends that you don't do it, but if you feel as if there is no choice, do it as politely as possible preferably in person (yes I did my research). All I'm asking is how best to word it.

Edited by: Deberrie on Jul 21, 2009 3:29 PM

september_2008 , new_york_metro , april_2010 , northern_california , october_2008 , caribbean
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We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

If you postponed already, how did you let your guests know that you were postponing? And after you decided on a new date did you really send everyone another save the date card? If you postponed your wedding due to financial reasons in the first place, why did you spend more money on more save the date notices? There is absolutely no polite way to uninvite people. You're kind of stuck with the concequences now.


~~~~~~~~
together is a perfect place to be because it's there that you can be delightfully imperfect. and there's nothing closer to perfection than being loved just because you are. 

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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

The save the dates were not sent out, only family knew that we postponed. The save the dates I made myself, but since we have gone on with the plans, booked a venue, ordered the gown, etc. I have become unemployed and that is the major problem. We have already spent money and everything is in motion for april next year but now I no longer have a job so there is only one set of income now.

april_2010 , caribbean
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:56 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

Just another suggestion, since I really can't support the idea of uninviting people....

Have the wedding in the carribbean with your closest friends and family. Have a small informal delayed reception (dessert only, BBQ, etc) for the people who you want to cut. This can be up to a year after the wedding, which will give you time to save up money or straighten out your finances. Sending a "we have changed the reception" message instead of a "sorry, you are no longer invited". I know it doesn't seem like it, but there are lots of options. They may not be options that you LIKE, but they are options.

 

 

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new_york_metro , october_2008
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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Thanks Bride2008, that is what we we planning to do have an event at a later date for those who we had to cut.

new_york_metro , april_2010 , october_2008 , caribbean
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

That is entirely different than cutting them. Cutting them means they will not be included at all. You are changing to plans for the wedding. Send them a card that says

"Due to circumstances beyond our control, the plans for our upcoming wedding have changed. We look forward to celebrating with you at a reception that will be held at a later date".



P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter


Edited by: Bride2008 on Jul 21, 2009 4:02 PM

new_york_metro , april_2010 , october_2008 , caribbean
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We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

I'm sorry, I'm confused as to the timeline here.

So you sent one set of save the dates. Was this before or after you postponed? If it was before, and then announced your postponement to all of the guests, then you are almost off the hook. But only if you never officially announced the new date to the guests you want to cut from your list.

If you 'postponed' before you sent your save the dates with the new date. You never technically "postponed" your wedding in your other guests eyes. Therefore, I believe Myra's advice would work. But it would be nice as in the PPs suggestion to have a delayed reception for all the guests.

But you have to let everyone know as soon as possible that the circumstances have changed. Your overseas guests could be in the middle of making arrangements to come to your wedding. That is a lot of time and effort for them if they aren't to be invited to the ceremony.



~~~~~~~~
together is a perfect place to be because it's there that you can be delightfully imperfect. and there's nothing closer to perfection than being loved just because you are. 

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Deberrie Posts : 6 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 4:18 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

The save the dates were sent out after the wedding was postpone. They were sent out with next year's date. I'm going with the reception at a later date, if there are no more suggestions.

april_2010 , caribbean
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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: Deberrie

Ok, maybe Im a complete moron, but Im absolutely baffled by this entire thread.
Thats it. Just wanted to say that I havent got a clue whats happening here lol.

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october_2006 , april_2010 , caribbean
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Uninviting overseas guests
Posted: Jul 21, 2009 8:05 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Dear Kelley,

I'm with you. I have no clue what's going on.

Pity the poor pseudo-invited guests who probably have travel plans and non-refundable tickets for a variety of announced dates.

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