6 years of dating.. no ring

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JC16 Posts : 2 Registered: 7/10/09
6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 12:25 AM

hi...

I'm 29, he's 36... though he was already married and divorced... has a lil daughter.

my parents hate him due to what he had done in the past.... and he and I had a very turbulent history... we had alot of arguments.. he was not stable in the past mentally due to divorce, etc. but gotten better!


He says he hasn't said he loves anyone in a very long time.. and he said this time he wants his marriage to work not like the previous one...


He's flat broke right now, lives with his sister... he barely can survive after paying for child support, car bills... I know exactly where his money goes too.. so alot of times, I end up paying more than he does just because he doesn't have any left.



Now that I'm at that border now, I really like to get married... Yes, my parents don't like him, but as long as I can be happy with him, I don't think it should affect his proposing to me... he says he's not in the position to do anything right now, and if he had money he would have done something.... then nowadays he says that he knows I want to get married, if so, I should find some other guys and get married.

But then he always tries to spend time with me and calls me often on a daily basis.

What should I do? Should I leave him?

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

DH and I dated for 7 years before getting engaged - BUT our case was very different from yours. I was 19 when we started dating and had no intention of getting married young. I had many things that I wanted to accomplish before committing my life to another person. Basically, it just wasn't the right time for me. We were working towards an eventual goal of marriage - but we were young when we started dating and both wanted to complete high levels of education and get to a stable place in our careers before getting married. In all honesty, I was worried that my career wouldn't get going (it happens to many people in my field - it's competitive) and if that happened, I didn't want to drag DH into financial ruin with me. Fortunately, I've been successful, so it wasn't an issue.

Anyway, now that I've rambled about myself, let me address your situation. You've dated your BF for about the same time (a little less, but close) that Dh and I dated before getting engaged, however, it doesn't sound like you're moving towards the goal of marriage. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to marry you - I'm saying that right now, he's not in a position to marry anyone. Nor does he seem to be moving towards that goal, either. You said that the child support payments have taxed him financially and that he lives with his sister. Forget love - do you really want to live this way if you marry him? Because unless you can supply the difference between his current lifestyle and the lifestyle you want, this is how married life is going to be.

It's not that he doesn't love you. He hasn't proposed because he can't offer you a good life. Most men are very proud. He feels like he has nothing to offer you - and honestly, he's right. At least at this point. If he can't afford to pay child support and live on his own, what does he have to offer you? Never mind that you have your own income - remember that he's proud. Despite the fact that women have been in the workforce for quite some time, most men still feel that they should be able to provide for their wife and family - or at least pull their own weight. Right now, what does he have to offer you? More bills to pay? Honestly, I wouldn't want to get married, either, if I was in his financial situation.

I can't tell you whether or not you should stay with him, but I can tell you how I would feel and what I would do in your shoes. Personally, I would want to see him taking steps to improve his financial situation: either by finding a better-paying job or taking classes that will qualify him for a better-paying job in the future. I would not be happy with someone who was content in the situation you've described, nor would I want to wait forever for him to get motivated to make changes. I would suggest that he take steps to improve his situation, and then I'd make a deadline in my head (but keep it to myself). If he improved by my mental deadline, I'd reassess the situation and see whether marriage seemed doable in the near future. If I wasn't happy with the changes that he'd made by the deadline, I would reassess the situation and ask myself whether I'm still willing to wait. Good luck!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

he says he's not in the position to do anything right now, and if he had money he would have done something.... then nowadays he says that he knows I want to get married, if so, I should find some other guys and get married.

Sorry to be harsh, but helloooo---is this guy what you think of as a good marriage prospect? Let's see: he's broke, he's bitter, your parents "hate"him, he's been unstable, your relationship has been rocky, he has a kid (biggie for possible complications), he hasn't proposed, and he's told you to look elsewhere.

Is it going to take a rock falling on your head to make you see that this relationship probably is doolmed from the start? And, you're 29, not 18, so you don't have years to waste waiting for this relationship to be right. I'd strongly suggest that you leave this relationship, now. And, please, don't talk about how you loooove him. You can love a lot of people, but marriage is something else entirely. You marry with your head, as well as your heart.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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GollumsGirl Posts : 57 Registered: 7/7/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

"he says he's not in the position to do anything right now, and if he had money he would have done something.... then nowadays he says that he knows I want to get married, if so, I should find some other guys and get married."

I would listen to what he is saying and look elsewhere for a better man. Sometimes parents are right about potential spouses. And if you break it off and he continues calling then tell him that you are just taking his advice and that you need time away from him before you can continue your friendship. No more relationship, period.
Raise him how you want him?? Younger men are great.

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 3:29 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position where you have this difficult choice to make.

I can only tell you that you should not be considering if or when he will get his house in order and marry you. You have your own goals and dreams. If one of them is to get married, then you need to make sure you are with someone who wants the same thing. If he is telling you that he isn't really marriage material right now and he isn't looking to make himself marriage material then you have to decide if you want to wait and see if he will change or go out and get what you want.

If he is trying, studying for a better job or doing something that will improve his chance in the long run, then you can give him a chance. My FH doesn't have a high paying job but I stuck with him becuase he has the drive and determination to make something of himself. If you can see that in your boyfriend then I think you can give him a little more time.

Good luck.
That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

he says that he knows I want to get married, if so, I should find some other guys and get married.

'Nuff said. How much longer you want to wait until you actually start listening?

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

He's not there...not right now. I figure after 6 years, you probably care greatly about him...but not only does this sound like a man who doesn't want to be married right now, and he's not financially able to support you...this just sounds like a bad relationship that isn't making progress. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that if it were me...I'd be gone. Your parents have just cause not to like this guy.

RIP Michael Jackson...the GREATEST ENTERTAINER OF ALL TIMES!!  Ease on down the road...

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mooRS Posts : 26 Registered: 6/15/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 4:42 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

JC, if you go back and re-read what you wrote, does it sound like a healthy relationship? Does it spark love and a feeling of affection? Or does it raise questions about who he is and what your relationship is about?

Personally, I got the sense from the beginning of the post that you were actually considering ending it, based on the tone, not that you were considering getting engaged.

I have to agree with other posters that this does not sound like a relationship that is moving towards marriage. While you say it shouldn't matter what your parents think of him, it should. Your parents, whether you have your differences with them or not, raised you, and know you and your needs. If they don't think that he's meeting those needs (and frankly, it doesn't sound to me like he's even attempting to!), he's not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

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JC16 Posts : 2 Registered: 7/10/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: JC16

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! I know I have to let go, but just haven't been able to. I think it's about time to let my head to rule over my heart :)

Thank you very much! I really know what to do now :)

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: JC16

I wish you lots of luck with this decision. I hope your future is brighter.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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Suyin Posts : 2 Registered: 7/18/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

I am in the same situation as you are, we have been together for over 4 years. He doesn't even talk about the topic,he does talk about our future, but not about the ring or engagement. I was advised to talk to him clear, but I think that will blow away the magic.I don't know. I follow this blog which is from someone I met in my graduate school and she wrote an article about this topic. I loved it. I think I will go though with what she suggest,it won't hurt to try it. It sounds good.
Check it Ithink it will cheer you up and it might give you some ideas. I even took notes.

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Suyin Posts : 2 Registered: 7/18/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: JC16

The address is www.withalittlebitofaccent.blogspot.com
and the article is called "Silently waiting for that ring.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: Suyin

I was advised to talk to him clear, but I think that will blow away the magic.I don't know.

What "magic"? You're kidding, right?

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mooRS Posts : 26 Registered: 6/15/09
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I agree with Myra. Do you honestly think it would be worse to speak honestly with him about it and hear his thoughts than to wait for ages without any ring at all? Maybe you'll find that his "talk of the future" is really more of a dream than a plan to be reality.

Communication is the key to long-lasting, healthy relationships. If you can't speak with him honestly about how you're feeling, then maybe you're not thinking long-term. It's like a couple that has unprotected sex because they're too nervous to talk about birth control... if you can't handle talking about it, you shouldn't even be considering doing it.

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bridewannabe Posts : 132 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: 6 years of dating.. no ring
Posted: Jul 20, 2009 1:58 AM Go to message in response to: JC16

OMG that just sounds like major drama for you. I honestly think you're wasting your time. I know I'm being super-blunt, I apologize.

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