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Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?

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TishaLynn Posts : 11 Registered: 6/28/09
Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 3:43 PM

Ok so my FH and I are getting married in August of next year. And we are working on a guest list so that we can see where we are budget wise. He wants to invite his ex-wife, her current BF and the BF's 11 year old daughter. As well as alot of the ex-wifes family.

The FH wants to add that he and the ex wife have a son who is going to be one of the ring bearers. Also that he is friends with the ex and the family. And that he does not have a large group of local friends.

So you can figure that he feels it is ok, and I do not feel comfortable with it. So am I wrong? Or is it wrong? Need so advice and help on this.

exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

dear Tisha,

There are some people who are perfectly comfortable with their spouses being friends with an ex-spouse, especially when there are children involved. The children's needs have to be put first, and it's good for the children to have parents in easy, friendly contact.

However, that does not mean they have to be invited to a wedding. If you are not comfortable with it, then that's enough of a veto.

On the other hand, you might as well get used to the idea that these people will be part of your life from now on. When the kid has a birthday, school event, ball game or whatever, you will be seeing his mother and her family. This will go on through the years, as the kid graduates, gets married, has kids (grandchildren) of his own.

If you continue to be uncomfortable with the ex-wife and her family, then you are going to have big problems. Your husband will be in a position to choose between his son and his wife, and many good fathers, given that choice, would have to put their own child first.

As I said, you get to veto people you don't want invited to your wedding. I would, however, suggest you give some serious thought to your motivations and your vision of the future.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

How do you feel about it? I don't think there are specific rules one way or another, it all comes down to whether or not you would feel comfortable or not. If you are okay with it, then I don't see why not.

Blending families after divorce is a hard thing. If parents can get along well and share in special occasions, it is good for the kids. A wedding may or may not be too personal... you are the only one who can decide that.

I have a great relationship with my ex-husband and am very comfortable around him. I didn't invite him to my 2nd wedding though. That would have been a little weird for me.
Francie Elaine

exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception , north_carolina
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 6:13 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

I have to say I agree with Aunt here. These people are going to be in your life forever you may as well get comfortable with them. If they have the kind of relationship you are describing you are going to end up being the odd man out. That is no way to live. Seems to me the FH is already making the decision to do what is best for his child I suggest you do the same.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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TishaLynn Posts : 11 Registered: 6/28/09
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

I want to thank you for your responses. I feel that I need to mention that I do not have a problem with them being friends. I do agree that it is good for their child. I do have a problem with them coming to the wedding. I think that birthday parities and school functions and other things for the child are ok. I did recently attended a birthday party with his ex-wife's whole family. I don't think that our wedding is one of those functions.

exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception , august_2010 , southern_california
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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 7:09 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

Tisha- If you are uncomfortable, just tell your FH. I do not think it is wrong of you to not want them there. Talk to him rationally about it and tell him what you have told us.

 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception , atlanta , august_2010 , southern_california , june_2009
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 18, 2009 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

Have you spoken to him and told him how you feel? Does he understand your feelings? How important is it to him to have them there? This is something the two of you need to work out. You are not wrong for not wanting them there. He is not wrong for wanting them there. To him it is like inviting any other friend to you it is something more.

As has already been stated these people are going to be a part of your life forever. You two have to work out the guest list together, if he feels really strongly about them being there, what will you do?

I am very friendly with my ex-inlaws, not so much the exh my inlaws were at my wedding. They invite my husband and I to functions at their home all the time. I ended my relationship with their son not them. My child is still their granddaughter, I just felt it was important to have that for her.






Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

october_1997 , southern_shore_new_jersey , exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception , august_2010 , southern_california
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is it ok to invite ex-spouse and the ex-spouses family to our wedding?
Posted: Jul 19, 2009 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: TishaLynn

Well, you have your answer then. And I don't blame you. I am very close to my ex-husband. We embrace when I see him. I talk to him on the phone every few weeks. We will share all our son's big days, like graduation in December. But would I invite him to my wedding? That would be just weird.

And, think about it this way.... yes.. it is important to be friends and be comfortable around each other for the kids sake. But, the kids will need to learn that not EVERY event will include everyone. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job making the kids feel very loved. I think they would be fine without everyone there.

Good luck. You will make the right decision.
Francie Elaine

exs_at_the_wedding_and_reception , north_carolina , august_2010 , southern_california
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