Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?

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LoriZ Posts : 6 Registered: 4/12/09
Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 6:06 AM

Hi everyone
Another etiquette question, I'm sure I'll have many over the next 86 days. My shower invites go out in two weeks. Should I invite female friends of my FH that I'm not close with. Don't get me wrong they're very nice people and always sweet to me when I see them, it's just that I don't know them as well as most of the people invited. Is it rude to invite someone to your shower that you do not know very well?

A little background... My FH has known the potential invitees forever and one of them is the wife of a groomsman.

Thanks everyone

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beachlovingbride Posts : 5 Registered: 7/9/09
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 8:19 AM Go to message in response to: LoriZ

Are they invited to the wedding? If so, I would invite them to the shower. If not, then I think since you aren't close with them it wouldn't be a big deal to leave them off the list.
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: beachlovingbride

Are all of them fairly close, longtime friends of the groom? If so, I would invite them. They might turn down the invite but I think it's the courteous thing to do.

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 9:16 AM Go to message in response to: LoriZ

If your FH has known them forever, I would invite them.

When FH was a GM for one of his childhood best friends, I was invited to the bride's shower and I was touched. I wasn't able to attend, but I really appreciated the gesture.

Conversely, my FH made sure that my very close friend who is male was invited to his bachelor party. I know it meant a lot to me AND to my friend to be included.

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 9:26 AM Go to message in response to: LoriZ

Invite them if you want to - if not, then don't invite them.

How large is your shower? If you're inviting every female wedding guest to the shower, then it makes sense to invite your FH's female friends and family members as well. If the shower is just family members, or if it's only your closest friends and family members, then it doesn't make sense to invite them.

There's probably an etiquette answer to this question, but I don't really see why ETIQUETTE has to determine the answer to the question. Why not common sense, instead? Personally, my shower was just immediate family members and close friends. There were plenty of female wedding guests who were not invited to my shower. I suggest you talk to your shower hosts and decide how large of a shower they want to plan. If everyone involved wants a big shower, then go ahead and invite all female wedding guests, including your FH's female friends. If they or you want a more intimate shower, then only invite those closest to you. I'm sure your FH's friends will think it's nice if they're invited, but I doubt that they'll think twice about it if they're not. Do whatever you want.

I just want to respond quickly to one of the PP's, who said 'If they're invited to the wedding, then invite them to the shower. If not, then you don't need to invite them.' You should never invite anyone to a shower who will not be invited to the wedding. By doing so, the message you send is, 'You're good enough to give me presents, but not good enough to attend the wedding.'

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 9:57 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I invited Dh's best friend to the shower to keep his sister company because she did not know anyone else. SIL bailed but the friend did come and everyone loved her.

I guess it depends on the personality of the woman. Someone outgoing and personable would be more fun than a shy quiet type.

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"There's probably an etiquette answer to this question, but I don't really see why ETIQUETTE has to determine the answer to the question. Why not common sense, instead? "

Etiquette is common sense.

Etiquette and common sense, both, tell us that we don't want to make others feel insulted. It is insulting, for example, to be invited to the shower but not the wedding. Thus, the shower guest list should be a subset of the wedding guest list.

Next question, where do we draw the line? Some people have large showers, so the "line" is drawn with female wedding guests. If you are a wedding guest and you are female, then you're in the shower.

Others have a smaller shower, for whatever reason, such as the shower hostess' budget or just a desire for a more intimate party. (I personally prefer that.)

Thus, the bride may draw the line at only her own personal friends (and her mother, grandmothers, etc), but not friends of the groom or friends of her parents.

Or, she may include her own personal friends, female friends of the groom but not friends of her parents.

Others have "couples showers" where there is no distinction between male and female invitees. The couple would invite their own personal friends, but not friends of their parents.

Another alternative would be to have more than one shower. One is hosted by the MOH and includes the bride's intimate friends. The other might be a couples shower hosted by one of the groom's friends, inviting men and women.

There are lots of combinations out there, all of which are Proper Etiquette as well as common sense.

The only no-nos are to not give yourself a shower and not invite people who are not invited to the wedding. I also think it best if the shower is hosted by a non-relative.

Finally, if you invite someone to multiple showers, have a quiet word with them and let them know you don't expect multiple gifts. Or, tell them of someone you met on a message board who suggests buying one present that can be divided into parts, and giving the parts at the multiple showers. Same bottom line total, but multiple gift giving. A set of bath towels works in this scenario.

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LoriZ Posts : 6 Registered: 4/12/09
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: LoriZ

Thanks to all who replied.

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StaciiSanDiego Posts : 7 Registered: 5/21/09
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 4:21 AM Go to message in response to: LoriZ

No. They're not your friends. If they're not invited, I'm sure they won't even notice. I certainly don't expect the fiance's of any of my guy friends to invite me to their shower. Honestly it'd just be awkward.

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jpersing Posts : 21 Registered: 7/12/09
Re: Shower: should I invite female friends of the groom ?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 9:12 PM Go to message in response to: StaciiSanDiego

Invite only those you are comfortable with but if you can't decide, check with your fiance if he wants any of his lady friends/relatives to be included.

I think you'd be able to let your hair down better and enjoy the bachelorette party if all the ladies are close to you or are your personal friends.

I had my bachelorette party with my single lady coworkers and cousins at a karaoke bar. It was a lot tamer than the usual party with a hunk guy dancer included or with the sexy Q & A portion.

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