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How do I uninvite people who were never invited?

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 7:36 PM

I'm getting married the end of August and had my shower the end of June. I invited a good friend of mine to the shower, but I didn't invite her mother and sister and had no intention of it because our wedding budget is small and it's rude to invite people to the shower who won't be invited to the wedding. My friend is married so I figured it wouldn't be offensive to invite just her and that they'd understand the budget thing. Well both her mother and sister showed up to the shower (without me or MOH knowing about it) and before they left they told my mom they were looking forward to seeing us at the wedding. I had no intention of inviting them to the wedding (and obviously not the shower), but should I invite them if they're apparently going to show up anyway? Our invitations haven't gone out quite yet, so I thought of this as presumptuous especially since they never received a shower invitation and they still showed up. Is this a big deal or am I blowing it out of proportion? Do I invite them even though our budget is small and we're only planning on having people we really want to be there there? If I could get some advice on what to do I'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks so much :)

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

august_2009 , missouri
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 7:52 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

Dear Aug,

I think that letting party crashers stay at the shower was very nice of you. I don't see why they need a wedding invitation as well.

My suggestion to you is to head them off at the pass. Take your friend (the invited one) aside and level with her. Make sure she understands that Mom and Sis are not going to be invited to the wedding, and in fact they were not invited to the shower.

"I have to talk to you. Your mother and sister really caught me and MOH by surprise when they showed up at the shower. The reason we did not invite them was not that we have anything persona against them. I am having a very small wedding with a limited guest list, and I think it's rude to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding. Because I knew they were not to be invited to the wedding, MOH did not invite them to the shower. They showed up anyway, and fortunately there was enough food to go around even with unexpected and uninvited guests.

I need your help and understanding. I am afraid of two things. First, I am afraid that they will show up (crash) the wedding, uninvited, and we won't have a seat, food nor drink for them. It will be embarrassing to them and to us to turn them away at the door, as we let you come in and be seated. Our budget is limited and we have carefully made up our guest list. We just can't accomodate crashers. My second problem is that they might be insulted by not being invited, having attended the shower. I need you to make them understand that they were not invited to the shower for the very reason that it will be impossible to invite them to the wedding."

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 8:54 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I second what Aunt said. Very diplomatic but clear, and it makes it obvious that it's nothing personal against the mom and sister.

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march_2008 , southern_california
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simplebride2 Posts : 33 Registered: 4/17/09
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 10:46 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

I am a definate control freak and would want to follow Aunts advice and kick the crashers out just to have my own way. However, It will cause embarassment to you, the friend and her family if you "uninvite" them that way. It will also cause hard feelings for them whether you are in the right to do it or not. If you really can't afford to fit them in I would follow Aunts advice. But, if adding two more won't break your bank I would just suck it up and invite them. That way you will be the only miffed person and you will have saved 3 others from embarrassment and crabbiness (plus, you won't have them talking behind your back about what a *@&#^ you are).

september_2009 , august_2009 , missouri , minnesota
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 10:54 PM Go to message in response to: simplebride2

Ladies,

If the OP figures out a way to make it clear to the crashers they aren't invited to the wedding, we'd like to hope they won't show up. If they stay home, then there's no unpleasant scene.

I really hate it when people put me in a position like that. It's really a lose-lose situation.

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Stephy77 Posts : 109 Registered: 9/2/08
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with aunt. My instinct would be to avoid the "talk" and just invite them but then you offend all of the people you are closer to and didn't invite for the same reason so in this case I think you need to have the talk.

may_2009 , rhode_island
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FutureMrsBabler Posts : 104 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 9, 2009 3:44 PM Go to message in response to: Stephy77

I totally agree! We have already run into a somewhat similar situation, and we aren't getting married until next summer! Many people don't understand not only the importance to some couples, but also the difficulty of keeping a small guest list. My FH and I both come from HUGE families, but are only inviting our very closest relatives and a few friends of the family - the guest list will be around 40 including attendants. It would totally throw a wrench in our plans if one of my friends' mother and sister showed up. Not to make it sound like they are 'less important,' but there are others who we would definitely invite before them who would have very hurt feelings when they found out. I think being up front and honest about the whole thing will be way easier than just inviting them for the heck of it... ya know? Most people are pretty understanding in these kind of situations... especially if they didn't know they weren't getting invited in the first place! Good luck!! :)

You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams. 

~Dr. Seuss

wisconsin , june_2010 , may_2009 , rhode_island
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StaciiSanDiego Posts : 7 Registered: 5/21/09
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 4:16 AM Go to message in response to: August28th

First, it was their fault for being presumptuous about inviting themselves to the wedding. If their feelings get hurt, don't blame yourself.

Second, I agree with what aunt said. The first thing I thought to do when reading your post was to let your friend explain to her mom and sister that the guest list is small due to budget constraints. Also that it opens up a pandora's box if you start making any exceptions for anyone's mother or sister.

If worse comes to worst, maybe let them come to the ceremony, but not the reception? I don't have experience in this, so I can't really say.

www.Luxe(Budget)Bride.com Smile

southern_california , august_2009 , missouri
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 2:28 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

AOTB's advice is spot on, if difficult to do. It's a confrontation, and you weren't banking on one.

I've invited all my coworkers, because I had a hard time inviting half of them...so I made space. Then my boss just hired someone. I'm NOT adding her. Guest list has been finalized and work invites already delivered. Four coworkers are not married, but one is living with her fiance. The engaged one gets to bring her fiance....the other three were invited as singles. One has already said she won't come if she can't bring someone. (I'm sorry to hear that, I'll miss you.) (And for the record, I feel badly for this one, because she JUST got divorced... like 4 weeks ago. <which opened up a space on my guest list.... yes, guest lists get BRUTAL!>, so I feel for her.) The other one is constantly trying to figure out how to bring a date. (This is a guy who is dating a different girl every week.) I told him that this is a no ring/no bring. But he's constantly trying to figure out how to bring a date. I have 100 seats. I already have to cut one guest couple because I forgot to include space for FH and I.

FH also has this one former student. (He teaches fencing). She's 17 and lives out of state. Well, now she's texting him and talking about coming to the wedding. She's not on the guest list.

#1. I am not dealing with an unaccompanied teenager
#2. While she can fly by herself at 17, she can't rent a car. I do not have time to be her chauffer
#3. I'm not entirely certain she can get the hotel unaccompanied
#4. I am not having an unchaperoned teenager at my wedding. Period.
#5. I do not have space to invite her MUCH LESS her parents.
#6. FH does not have her address. (that is the easy one to deal with)

I know she views FH as a big brother of sorts, and she goes to him with questions that she doesn't talk to other adults about (like her recent pregnancy scare), so he is important to her and she would like to meet me...but the bottom line is that FH is going to have to level with her and let her know we simply cannot invite her. So she is putting him in a position where he is going to have to hurt her feelings. But her assumption of invite was the problem....he's never once said "I hope you'll be able to come"

So yeah, you will have to have a chat with your friend. Because even if space opens up on your guest list, there might be other people you want to add before them.

Misty

september_2009 , august_2009 , missouri
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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

It seems as though a confrontation is, in this case, unavoidable. But which one would be easier? to talk to the invited friend or to have to turn the mother and sister away at the door? I cannot stand when people try to worm themselves into an event, especially weddings, by making the bride/groom invite them out of guilt like that.

My best friend is actually going throught something similar..except in her case shes planning a wedding two months after mine and she and I have a mutual friend that, lets just say she does this exact thing. So now the mutual friend is SO EXCITED for this girl and CANT WAIT to plan and shop and choose things with her because all of a sudden they have been FRIENDS FOREVER...basically putting herself in the bridal party AND MOH position all at once without being asked. Well unfortunately my friend is trying to get a lower budget and wants only two BMs and wants that to be me with my hubby and her FHs best friend with his wife. How does she let this girl down frm her MOH pedestool?? I do not know lol. But boy am I glad Im not in her shoes!

september_2009 , august_2009 , missouri
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

dear Misty,

You are absolutely on solid ground.

"The other one is constantly trying to figure out how to bring a date. (This is a guy who is dating a different girl every week.)"

That's because it's a well known fact that some single women have (um, err) certain lowered resistance to (well you know) when they attend a wedding as some guy's date. (See The Wedding Crashers)

Stand your ground. "Sorry, pal, it's No Ring No Bring."

"FH also has this one former student. (He teaches fencing). She's 17 and lives out of state."

Again, stand your ground. I can only imagine the disaster of a parent-less 17-year old loose at your wedding. You cannot be substitute chaperones at your own wedding, and who else would be willing to guanantee her good behavior? I agree with all of your reasons 100%.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: MrsS2010

dear Mrs S,

"But which one would be easier? to talk to the invited friend or to have to turn the mother and sister away at the door?"

It would be much worse to turn them away at the door.

The invited guest, Mom and Sis would probably drive in together, all three in one car. Mom and Sis get turned away at the door. Now what? Are they supposed to go and sit in the bar while the invited guest attends the ceremony and reception?

It's incredibly better, now that we know that Mom and Sis are party crashers, to get the message to them now that they are not invited. Besides, they probably think they are invited under the theory that shower guests are automatic-invitees. Not true, if the shower guests were party crashers.

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 15, 2009 12:49 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it and will take it to heart. I think my friend's mom assumed she was invited was because I and my family were invited to her daughter's (my good friend's) wedding. But they had a 400 person guestlist and mine is only 150 at the very most. Both FH and I have very large families so our wedding will consist of family and a few very good friends. I guess that should be explained to them so they don't have hurt feelings. I've had other friends tell my MOH or myself they were planning on coming and asking for the details: time, location, etc. Since most of these friends live out of state it's been easier; I tell them the wedding's the end of August in my hometown and leave it at that without further indulging details. But when it's people who live practically across the street from me, it's a little more difficult, but thanks so much for your sound advice! I really hate confrontation, but it needs to be done! Thanks again ladies :)

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

august_2009 , missouri
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Marte Posts : 22 Registered: 7/29/07
Re: How do I uninvite people who were never invited?
Posted: Jul 15, 2009 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

Whilst I haven't been in exactly the same situation, we did have two relatives who invited themselves to our wedding. We are having 21 guests only at our wedding, so it really is parents, siblings, grandparents and best friends only. No cousins, no aunts or uncles, except the best man who is my fiance's cousin.

Then one aunt and uncle (married) invited themselves and nearly booked tickets to travel to our destination wedding, despite not receiving an invitation, and despite us never inviting them. We had to say something, if not all of our other aunts and uncles would have been sad/surprised/disppointed.

I didn't feel it was fair to let the bossy/bullying/dominating person be there, but not the lovely relatives who would never dream of inviting themselves. It caused some tensions, but they took it well actually and I am glad we decided to have the chat.

I thought like this: If they get crabby/throw a strop/hissy fit, then I'm not interested in having them in my life anyway so I won't let it get to me. I am an adult now and choose to surround myself with polite, good people. Life's too short to tiptoe around nasty people. If they are good people, they will show grace and understanding. Think about how you would react in the same situation. Then expect the same of them. :-)

guest_list , invitations , august_2009
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