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Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 29, 2009 9:19 PM

So, I was hoping to be a little more situated on these boards before I start ranting about my problems asking for advice, but every time I start reading your threads I get terrible headaches!

...Just kidding! The headaches have nothing to do with you guys, I think I just need glasses or something, 'cause that's just ridiculous.

So anyway, I'll buckle down and ask a slightly sensitive question. I don't want to give out all the details of my life to strangers, but if there is confusion, then I will. I have two uncles in their 40's and 50's who still live with their father (the younger one, who wears cut-off shorts and is always high or wasted, never even moved out--the older one had to move back in after a divorce) and they are pretty serious drunks. Not to the point where they're always passed out or about to pass out, but to the point where they're usually unpleasantly buzzed around me, ranting, slurring, stumbling just a little, etc. The younger uncle hasn't exactly hit on me, but he's made me very very uncomfortable in THAT way. These are my uncles by blood, by the way.

Basically, I don't like them. I like my older uncle when he's sober, but my younger uncle gives me the creeps and my fiance was close to decking him once when he got too close to me (don't worry, he never actually tried anything). My first question is, can I ask my grandfather politely to make sure this particular uncle doesn't come to my wedding? He doesn't usually come to family functions, and he didn't come to my sister's wedding, but he always was a lot more fond of me...

Creeps me out even to write that. Sheesh.

So my second question is about my stepmom. She's not an alcoholic, but she has a drinking problem, definitely. I've had many a screaming match with her on late, drunk nights. That's fine, I tolerate her and have enough sympathy for her that I can even like her sometimes.

But my problem is that my fiance and I love wine and think it fits in very well with the rest of our wedding. At first, given my alcoholic family, we were just going to forget about the bar and have a nice bottle of wine waiting for us in our room. But I got to thinking, it's my wedding, darn it, and I want to have wine! grr, Bridezilla

I'm just terrified that someone is going to get drunk at my wedding. I know, I know, "get over it" but there's a little bit more to it than just that. I'm hoping you guys can give me a little support about this. Any suggestions on how to limit people's intake, assuming that my younger uncle doesn't come, but my other one does?

And please, if you tell me I just need to take a chill pill (in some way or another), at least elaborate and tell me how to do that. If I knew how to just chill, I wouldn't be asking for advice in the first place.



BTW, I am a long-winded fiction writer. I can't help it! It's my nature! Sorry =)

january_2010 , alcohol , florida
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alleak135 Posts : 54 Registered: 5/15/09
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 29, 2009 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

I have a very similar problem with an alcoholic for a father and one for an uncle. I'm hopefully having my wedding on a sunday afternoon so alcohol will not play a larger part in my wedding, especially since my fh and I are not big drinkers. However, I would like to have some alcohol at my wedding. I've decided that we are going to limit the amount and types of alcohol at our wedding to beer, wine coolers, and champagne for the toasts. You have every right to put the word out to your grandfather and father that if anyone so much as looks like they are going to get out of hand they will be escorted out. I know my family would feel uncomfortable with my dad and uncle drinking too heavily but would also expect it however, people they do not know will be at our wedding and I do not want them to feel uncomfortable. As fas as not inviting your other uncle that is your decision if he truly freaks you out don't invite him it's your day and you shouldn't be made to feel like you are being watched in any inappropriate and creepy way. If you cannot get our father to stand up to your stepmother simply talk to her yourself (when she's sober) and if she balks at the idea of not drinking then make sure there is someone there you trust to regulate. Many times there is a specific type of alcohol such as liquor that brings out the worst in people if you can pinpoint that alcohol just make sure it's not there. Hope this helps I know how difficult it is to feel like you have to give up something you want on your day just to avoid uncomfortable situations.

Edited by: alleak135 on Jun 29, 2009 9:36 PM

january_2010 , april_2010 , alcohol , florida
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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 29, 2009 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: alleak135

Thanks, alleak, that helps.

One thing is funny, though. You said "Many times there is a specific type of alcohol such as liquor that
brings out the worst in people if you can pinpoint that alcohol just
make sure it's not there." Well, I really only want wine, and that is precisely the drink of choice for my stepmom, haha. I don't think she'll be much of a problem, as she's more of an emotional drunk. At least she's not a violent drunk.

january_2010 , april_2010 , alcohol , florida
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alleak135 Posts : 54 Registered: 5/15/09
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 29, 2009 10:38 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Well, then that could be a problem. You could look at the bright side where she's concerned and hope she makes a pleasant little speech instead of crying. My uncle had a little too much to drink at his son's wedding and decided to take over the microphone, at fist, we were a bit worried but his little speech actually ended up being quite touching and very appropriate. I wouldn't get your hopes up that this will happen with your stepmom but hey, you never know she may surprise you. BTW, I noticed you're getting married in Jacksonville are you from there? If so what high school did you go to? I was born and raised there.

florida , april_2010 , alcohol , january_2010
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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 29, 2009 11:58 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Jream, I understand and sympathize. We had a full 5 hour open bar at our wedding, and I was pretty concerned about the same types of things. Here is what you do. Number one: speak to the venue coordinator and/or bartender privately before the event, and let them know of your concerns. Part of the bartenders job will be to scope out anyone who is drinking too much, and stop serving them. They have to keep an eye on that kind of thing by law if they are the ones supplying the alcohol. Number two: talk to a family member or close friend, someone whom you trust, about the situation, and basically make sure they are keeping an eye on the people you are worried about who may overdrink. At my wedding, my dad agreed to be this person. He just sort of kept his eye out and made sure noone was acting crazy or awful-drunk, and if he had to, he would have given those guests a ride back to the hotel or made sure they were safe. Number three: if you are planning on serving alcohol or wine throughout the entire reception, have the bar close it out one hour before the reception is over. We did this as well. Our reception ended at 11pm, but the bar stopped serving alcohol at around 10:15pm. They still had coffee, tea, soda, etc etc. This just helps to somewhat control the consumption. Also: if its at all possible, provide a shuttle service or carpooling from the reception back to the hotel.

As far as the creepy uncle goes, I say dont invite him. Cuz ... well... hes creepy.

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october_2006 , january_2010 , april_2010 , alcohol , florida
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brix24 Posts : 165 Registered: 8/3/08
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 12:04 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I agreee 100% with Mrs Pinky. I have a drunk uncle who will not be invited (but my auntie will be) and my DF's brother is a drunk but will be invited but we will take the steps Mrs Pinky outlined.

If he doesn't behave I have no hestitation in telling him to leave. Im a cop and he HATES cops. I will be polite but firm if it comes to turfing him out.

  

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 9:38 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

MsPinkys not even IN this thread, so therefore, you must be saying you agree 100% with ME, right Brix?? LOL. I guess you had Pinky on the Brain.... :)

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for standup comedy clips,sketches,and more @ www.youtube.com/kelleyfunnylady

 

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

october_2006 , january_2010 , april_2010 , alcohol , florida
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I agree with what Kelley said. I am sorry you have to go through the extra stress before the wedding. Hopefully, neither of them will show up, so it will be a non-issue.

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

october_2006 , january_2010 , new_york_metro , april_2010 , alcohol , october_2008 , florida
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: Jream

dear J,

I can't add much to what Kelley said. She is correct.

The bartenders at the reception venue can be your best friends in this situation. Have a word with the sales and catering manager and, if possible, the bartenders themselves. Get photos of the offending people and ask some really trustworthy person ("Mom") to see the bartenders get those photos and know who to particulary watch out for.

If you really fear a scene, ask the sales and catering manager if they have any private security company on the site. Again, if you can talk to the security officer who will be on duty that evening you can fill them in on who must be watched particularly.

Finally, you do not need to invite anyone with whom you are uncomfortable. It does not matter if they are blood relatives. If their past behavior creeps you out, then just don't invite them. Talk to your grandfather, and make sure he knows. I know this is asking a lot, but if you've really got guts, then talk to the uncles privately and tell each that their past behavior is of concern to you and, thererfore, you and FH have made a decision to not invite them. Say it pleasantly but assertively and make it clear this is your final answer.

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Agree 100% with Kelley and Aunt. To repeat, 1] Have a responsible bartender, 2] Have a close relative or friend watch out for certain people and be prepared to escort them out, and 3] Don't invite the drunken and/or creepy uncles. People have to be responsible for their own behavior. That includes past behavior, and the effects that it has on other people. There is no reason to have people at your wedding who have been known to make you miserable.

By the way, your stepmom IS an alcoholic. If you look up definitions of alcoholism, you will find that if she is unable to control alcohol intake and this lack of control affects her social and family relationships, then she is, by definition, an alcoholic.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jun 30, 2009 7:50 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Thank you all for the advice =) I'm glad it's not such a faux-paus to not invite my creepy uncle. Thankfully, my venue is tucked away in the corner of a building and because of its close proximity with a restaurant bar (i.e., right outside the room where my reception will be), they have a person stationed right outside the room to make sure no one brings alcohol in/out. That's one relief. I'm also considering giving the bartender photos of problem people, that's a good idea.

Myra, I'm familiar with the definition of an alcoholic. My stepmom could be one, but she isn't exactly dependent on alcohol yet. She's getting there pretty quickly, though.

Alleak, I'm actually getting married in St. Augustine, but I grew up in Jacksonville. I went to Douglas Anderson School of the Arts. Cool to see another fellow Jacksonvillian on here!

january_2010 , florida
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jul 1, 2009 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: Jream

Dear J,

" My stepmom could be one, but she isn't exactly dependent on alcohol yet. She's getting there pretty quickly, though. "

I agree with Myra. A person who has problems with drinking alcohol is a "problem drinker" by definition. A person could have a "problem" with one one beer a month, if that one beer a month causes problems.

There are degrees of intensity in the disease of alcoholism. It may be true that step-mom is in the earlier, less intense stages. You are correct in that it's something the family needs to monitor.

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jul 1, 2009 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Maybe instead of the open bar, you can have a bottle of red wine and white wine at each table so that way it's kinda under control.

I understand your concern though. We had the same issue with my FIL. The problem was he was already drunk when he got to the venue for the ceremony. It was bad.

Married 9.20.08

 

 

september_2008 , january_2010 , alcohol , northern_california , florida
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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jul 1, 2009 10:37 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

I don't really see the neccessity in giving my stepmom's problem a definitive name or not. Call it what you want, it's a problem. I'm not denying the severity, I'm merely denying the label because I've seen much worse in my lifetime.

Anyway, I wanted to update because I had "the talk" with my stepmom tonight (over glasses of wine, actually) and she told me she will talk to my grandfather about not inviting my uncles and that she will be on her best behavior if I do decide to have wine. She's been getting better, so I think I believe her. She strives so much for my approval, so I think she really will try.

Thanks for the help, guys =)

january_2010 , alcohol , northern_california , september_2008 , florida
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Drunk uncles and alcohol at the wedding
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 12:19 AM Go to message in response to: Jream

Dear Jream,

" She strives so much for my approval, so I think she really will try."

That sounds great. You seem to be loving and supportive of her, as well. I really hope it all works out.

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