How Did You Make the Adjustment?

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 8:20 AM

Miss Myra brought up something in another thread that I hadn't thought about. In all the excitement of the engagement and wedding planning I never considered what happens after the wedding. I never really thought about what happens when you are married and setting up house together.

I am an only child my mother was 43 when she had me, I was a surprise they didn't think they could have children. My mother was an only child. My father has 2 brothers and a sister but they never had children so I was never around any children growing up. I had friends at school but no one around on a regular basis. My point being I have never had to share with anyone. I always had my own stuff. When I lived at home I had my own room and when I moved out I moved into my own house and lived alone.

Now I am gettiing married and in doing so I will be sharing my space, my time, my life with another person. How did you ladies make the adjustment? Was it difficult? I am excited and scared at the same time.

We plan to move in together before the wedding. Right now it is not possible to do so. My house would be a 2 1/2 hour commute each way for Derrick and that is to much. Derrick's place is to small to be comfortable. It is a one bedroom apartment. It would be impossible for me to fit in there Derrick is barely fitting himself. We are going to start looking as soon as school is out this week.

Moving in together seems so scary, how did you handle it? Do you have any advise that will make the adjustment easier?
Daddy's Little Girl

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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 8:53 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

When FH and I moved in together almost a year ago, we decided to have seperate bedrooms. One of the reasons being FH is a huge geek and likes his laptops and computers etc, and I don't like sleeping in a room filled with humming electrical equipement. So we have our own rooms and this works out fabulously. We also sleep in seperate beds because I don't like sleeping with people and FH is a blanket hog and snorer. So this keeps the peace. When we get married I imagine we will keep seperate rooms. It may sound weird but it works for us. I really like my own space!

So you could maybe transition that way? Get a 2 bdrm flat and each have your own room so you get used to living with each other but not on top of one another?

Also, get ground rules down early. As in who takes out the rubbish, who does which chore etc. For example, I will do the laundry because FH hates it, but he does the rubbish and cat litter.

Also I have found my definition of dirty or messy is nothing like FH's definition of dirty or messy. 'It was just cleaned' means two weeks ago in man-speak, whereas 'just cleaned' means a day or two ago in women-speak. I'm generalising but you get the point...


Also, you most likely will fight and bicker. I don't remember this but FH tells me I was a nasty cow to live with for about a month after we first moved in together. But it gets better. Especially when you have him house trained :)


 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Honestly, I really didn't find it a difficult adjustment. There were some parts of it that were difficult, but overall, we adjusted to living together rather smoothly. But both of us have lots of experience living with others and sharing space. We both have large families, lived with roommates in college, and both of us lived with roommates after college before eventually living alone. I'll admit that I really enjoyed living alone, but the transition back to living to someone wasn't a big deal at all.

I can see the 'never having had to share' issue as becoming problematic, however, and I think premarital counseling before you move in together would be a great investment. Some things to consider:

1) Do you both have the same standards for a 'clean house'? Are you both willing to pitch in with cleaning, especially if one person likes things cleaner than the other? If one person likes things cleaner than the other, will that person resent the other for not keeping things clean...or can you compromise and let the small things go?

2) What are both of your requirements for 'me time' and 'couple time'? Do you agree? One of my coworkers is getting a divorce right now. One of their MANY issues is that his wife was simply too clingy, and resented him whenever he wanted to do anything without her - yet they have different interests and she didn't want to do his stuff with him.

3) How will you handle your finances? I could write a book (or at least a book of rants) on this subject! Joint accounts or separate? Who will pay the bills? Who opens the mail and checks to see if there are any surprises in the bills? Do you both have similar ideas about spending and saving?

4) Consider simple things that affect your day to day lives. What time do you both go to bed? Get up? Does someone like to play loud music? Does someone spend their evenings playing video games? What TV shows do you both like to watch, and will it bother you to watch TV in separate rooms if you can't agree on a show? Do you both eat the same kind of foods, or does someone have weird (or bad) diet habits? Does one of you like to leave socks on the floor near the door? (My biggest pet peeve about living with DH. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but when it's EVERY DAY for the rest of your life, it can slowly start to drive you insane. I don't know how that man wears so many socks. RARRR!)

5) What about decorating? Remember that this is his house, too, and while you may not necessarily want pictures of his favorite baseball player in your living room, he has as much right to be comfortable in his space as you do. Pick your battles, here - it's not fair for you to win every one, even if the house would look nicer if you did! ;)

6) Also consider external factors. You didn't mention how long you've been together, but you've never lived together, so I'll mention it. When you live with someone, their stresses affect you more than they do if you simply talk to them every day and go home to your separate homes. You're going to need to deal with him when he's in a bad mood, when he's had a bad day at work (or a bad week or month), when his family or friends are driving him insane, etc, etc. And vice versa. And you're going to have to deal with one another when you hate one another. Neither of you can leave because you've had a bad day or had a fight.

7) Speaking of fighting, consider your fighting styles. Anybody who tells you that they never fight with their partner is either lying, abnormal, in a coma, or just bottles up their stress. Every couple fights occasionally - the true indicator of a good marriage is that you love one another even when you hate one another. But even if you don't anticipate much arguing, it will happen. How do you both deal with it? Do either of you hold a grudge? Say things that you don't mean when you're arguing? How much time do you both need to cool down after an argument? And once you've cooled down, can you discuss the disagreement rationally, or do you get worked up again and start the argument all over?

Incidentally, we live in a one bedroom apartment and have plenty of space for two people. It's not really enough space for all the stuff that we had before we lived together, but we consolidated and kept the best of what we had and donated the rest. And we have stuff in storage, but that's mostly my millions of books. Just a thought!


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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

WellsFargo, like you I am an only child, I have had roommates but have always had my own bedroom and just moved in with my FH a few months ago. We live in a very small one bedroom condo (joys of the cost of living in DC...). I am going to be honest, it is taking alot of getting used to on both of our parts. Especially since our bedroom recieved sever water damage right after I moved in and we have been forced to live in half the space for the time being. Its an adjustment you have to make one step at a time but it is an adjustment that is well worth it. Despite everything I love living with my FH. It does take a lot of patience and compromise (and I'll be honest there are times I want to strangle him). Just be patient when things get stressful and before you know it the adjustment will be spending time away from him.

Also we are doing pre marital counseling which I highly recomend.
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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 8:32 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

I am so glad someone posted this thread. I have been struggling with this issue for the better part of a month! Up to last night, FH and I were at it over the cleaning.

Since I am in the struggle right now WellsFargo, I can't offer any advice, just lots of empathy. I'm an only child too, we both are and he has been living alone for the last 6 years with no one to consider but himself. It is hard but we love each other and so we keep trying.

I guess that will be my only bit of advice when faced with this adjustment, keep trying.


That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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allisonfoster2B Posts : 65 Registered: 5/9/09
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

I am an only child too, and a daddys girl. :) The transition for me was not so bad. Probaly because of basic training. I lived with about 40 girls all together. I'll spair the details...im sure you can imagine. lol. But When FH and i moved in together it was kind of gradual. It was just on the weekends. then it was when we were both off, then it was all the time. As for the chores mentiond above if one of us notices that something needs to be done, it does get done. But it is mostly me doing laundry, and him trash, vacume, and making the bed. (when i leave for work he is just getting home) I love having him with me. when he was in Guam for three weeks i was lonely.

AllisonWink

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luvathena Posts : 929 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 5:27 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art- your words are incredibly wise. I wish someone had told me all those things before my first marriage.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: luvathena

Me too it might have caused us a few less problems.

 

 

 

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June6 Posts : 33 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 10:12 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

All of the above advice is great. For us, the best advice during our pre-marriage counselling was: "stop thinking about how your spouse can make you happy and what they can do for you, and start thinking about how you can make them happy and what you can do for them and love them for who they are not what they do for you."

This is based on the concept that Jesus came selflessly to the earth because of his unconditional love for us, acted as a servant, gave up his life for us and did what was best for us, even though he didn't have to. Now, even if you aren't Christian, you can still apply the above concept to your relationship.

If both of you come to your marriage with this type of attitude, it means that you are both selflessly giving to the other person. By acting as a servant towards each other, it also means that you are allowing your spouse to freely love you back. The tough part is when you are trying to act like this and your spouse is not or during the tough times in your life, which can potentially lead to feeling unappreciated, frustrated, etc. However, and please don't get offended by this, if that is how you are feeling, then it means that you are not fully at the "what can I do for them" vs "what can they do for me" stage. No one is perfect and everyone is going to disappoint you at some point, so this is definetly a tough concept and something that needs years of practice and patience. I am not sure if any of that makes sense, but feel free to ask more questions if you would like clarification.

Another thing that we have found helpful, is to identify our biggest priorities when it comes to household chores, how we spend our time and how we go about our relationship. For example, if I know my husband only has limited time, I might say what would be the highest priority for him to do (eg. "please do the laundry since I am running out of clothes, the dishes aren't as important) and he does the same for me (eg. "I would rather the office be tidied up than th bedroom"). I know those are lame examples, but hopefully you get the point.

The same idea goes for how to treat each other. I would much rather him spend time with me than buy me presents, but some people are the exact opposite. For more information on that, read the book "the five love languages" or what I think is better, "fall in love, stay in love."

(My advice comes from a Christian standpoint. It is not meant to
offend and if you are not Christian, you can ignore that aspect of it.
However, I do think some of the ideas and concepts can hold true for
everyone, regardless of their religion).

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MrsDeLouis Posts : 167 Registered: 11/10/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

FH and I moved in together about, well almost two years ago now. I'll tell you, at first it was kinda nice, the house was still nice and clean like I liked it and conscious efforts were made to keep it that way, my way. Then you discover eachother's little quirks and pet peeves and things go downhill slightly. It becomes easier to just not tidy things up and let it slide. In our case, it became the "I work full time and go to school and he works full time so we just don't have the time" situation." And also the you just really have to pick your battles situation. I'm not saying it's all bad, not at all. It's just difficult. Case in point, FH will normally stay up later than I do and for some reason, he'll sit upstairs in his boxers. Not a big deal, but he'll leave his jeans laying in the living room and his socks stuffed in the couch cushions! It drives me nuts! I'm good for leaving glasses on the coffee table or end table which drives him nuts. It's a give and take battle that you do have to decide ok, which is more important, arguing all the time or living with a little annoyance. After two years, he knows how much that gets to me, but it hasn't changed and vice versa. I used to say to him, I'm sure your mother didn't let you get away with that (which of course she didn't) but it still had no effect. In the end, it's worth it. PP's brought up a lot of good additional points, like the decorating and chores. It takes time to get adjusted to the whole situation but I'll be honest now, if he's not there, I have a hard time sleeping. There have been times where he's fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie or something and I've woke up, went upstairs and gotten him just cause I missed having him next to me. I think it's like a security blanket.


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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells, it is definitely an adjustment, LOL. FH and I have been living together for about 3 years now. It was weird at first. We fought a bit at first. He's the neat freak and I'm kind of messy. We've both had to be flexible there. I'm better about picking my stuff up, and he's learned that if I didn't make the bed in the morning, the world will not collapse, LOL. It was also strange for me to be accountable to someone else about my whereabouts. If I'm not home when he expects me, he worries. So I always make sure if I'm going to be more than 15-30 minutes late getting home, I give him a quick call. We share the chores pretty evenly, and the bills as well. While we both have seperate bank accounts and our own money, any big purchases we discuss and agree on. It's also really important not to be clingy. I love spending time with him, but we both make sure that we spend time apart with our own friends and pursuing our own interests. That gives us something to talk about when we're together. :) I would definitely read everything that Artbride said. She was right on with all of it.

 

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Thank you all for your advice, Artbride I will keep what you said in mind. It will all help I'm sure. I hope no one was offended by my comment about the size of the apartment. Derricks apartment is small in that he has it crammed with his stuff, not so much the square footage. He is in school so he has those books everywhere and he is a teacher so he has all those books and things all over everywhere. Plus he is into sports so he has all his equipment everywhere so there just is no room for me.

We are going to look for a house that has at least three bedrooms Derrick needs an office. I think it would be a good idea to have all of his books in one place. It would probably help him to be more organized if we did it that way. We can either use a second room for an exercise room or put the equipment in the basement whatever will work.
Daddy's Little Girl

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TickledPeenk Posts : 175 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 28, 2009 3:22 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

I agree with June6. DH and I are Christians and had premarital counseling through our church because it was a requirement for the Pastor to agree to marry us. The Bible has a lot to say about marriage and a lot of very wise advice.
DH and I dated for almost 7 years before we got married, so we had already discussed a lot of the topics that were brought up in our counseling, but it was still helpful to do. I think all engaged couples should go to counseling before their wedding. It certainly doesn't hurt!
We did not live together until we got married. Despite that, it was honestly a very easy transition for us for the most part. It could be because we have known each other for so long/so well, maybe because we spent a lot of time together before we were married, maybe because of our counseling, or maybe all of the above.
We had already decided on how to handle our money and the chores because of our counseling.
We have eased well into living together and being married.
The biggest issue for us is sharing the bed. We have a queen size bed and we both move around a lot in our sleep so we haven't been sleeping very well. I work days and he works graveyard so fortunately we don't sleep at the same time very often. We've decided that we will get a king bed when we can save up the money and I think that will be a good solution. The bed on our honeymoon was a king and we slept fine on that.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Jun 28, 2009 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Wells - Art had some GREAT advice. Also, I think it's a little easier (IMHO) that both of you will be moving into a new space together - DH (as FH) moved in with me and there was some struggle over the fact that it was my space first and he was moving into it. For the most part I was OK but then he pulled the - you are making me get rid of all MY stuff (which wasn't true). There were things that I got rid of that I really wanted to keep, BUT it made sense to get rid of them and not have doubles. And I didn't make him get rid of anything that was family heirlooms even though they are COMPLETELY useless.

Anyways, counseling I think is a GREAT idea. Make sure it's with an impartial party - whether a pastor OR a licensed counselor.

Also, I think that it helps that we started out having areas in the house that belong to JUST us. He isn't responible for anything in my area and vice versa. Now, it's not such a big deal, but this really helped us at first.


 

 

 

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Re: How Did You Make the Adjustment?
Posted: Sep 20, 2012 2:33 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

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