How do we feel about registering for a house?

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AlishaJ Posts : 1 Registered: 1/10/08
How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 5:55 PM

I just sent out my invitations and figured I should really get a jump on our registry situation. I've been putting this off because we really don't need anything for our place; i'm bringing great china and silverware to the table and together we've accumulated a pretty nice collection of 600 thread count sheets & bath towels. Now what we could use is a house for all this cool stuff. We currently live in an apartment and while my soon to be husband was all set to head down the court house for a quickie wedding in an effort to put our savings toward our first home I've opted for a fabulous wedding which will keep us renting for a few more years (I'm only doing this once; so I figure I should do it right - no regrets!). So imagine my surprise when I Google wedding registry I find Brick by Brick a mortgage registry where you can register for funds to use as a down payment on a home! Now I don't know about you but for us this seems brilliant register for "contributions" toward your future instead of a gravyboat you're going to return anyway. Who knows if we'll actually re-coup the $25,000 were spending on our wedding but if we recieve even half that amount that will make the difference between three more years in an apartment or 12 months to homeownership! Heck we could possibly recoup the catering cost and pay for our honeymoon outright instead of putting it on a credit card. I'm sure you can see which way I'm leaning; I love this concept!

So here's my dilemma I've reviewed several etiquette books and websites that consider asking for money as a wedding gift is gouache or tacky, but what if you are actually registering for that cash to put toward a greater good, like a downpayment on a house. Is this an acceptable alternative to registering for silverware or china? When you look up wedding registry today all sorts of modern alternatives pop up so is it safe to take this as a sign of the times? Perhaps gone are the days when etiquette books determined what's considered an acceptable gift? Is it safe to ask for something you really want to help start your lives together even if that thing is cash instead of a Kitchen Aid mixer?

I welcome your feedback on this touchy subject.

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CSUFgrad08 Posts : 114 Registered: 6/19/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 6:26 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

Hmmm....my personal and honest opinion on this is that I think it is tacky. I don't think I would ever register for something like that. It just doesn't seem polite.
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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

I'll leave the tacky discussion to others, but I have a practical note. Why not just not register? Or register for the few token items. Sure, you'll probably get some non-cash/non-picked by you gifts, but most people will probably take that as a "We'd prefer cash" sign. Combine that with having your and FH's parents & your wedding party mention that you're hoping to buy a house in the next year IF people ask them what to get you and you'll have about the same result without worrying about the tacky/not tacky debate.

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 6:42 PM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

I agree with karebear. There are a number of your guests that will probably think that it's tacky that you basically registered for cash, so I would just not register. That way you will likely receive cash anyway and you can put it toward whatever you want, including your house savings. :)

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I would go with the word of mouth thing too. I usually give cash to people who have already set up housekeeping but it is my choice. I would be a little put off if someone registered for a mortgage. I am sure others wouldn't have a problem with it but a majority of your guests would especially the older ones.

 

 

 

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mngawedding Posts : 32 Registered: 7/20/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 23, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

Personally, I see nothing wrong with registering for a down payment on a house. The whole reason that house and honeymoon registries have sprung up is that people finally realize that there is a good portion of the population who have lived on their own and are relatively well established by the time they get married and don't need the starter pots and pans that couples need if they are newly establishing their own place for the first time. The only thing that I would caution against: make sure that the place that you are registering doesn't take a portion of the gift as a "convenience charge." In that case, I would forgo registering altogether, and hope people get the hint to give cash (as opposed to scented candles or homemade crafts- always a risk if you don't register )

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

I personally find that very tacky because it is such a huge investment. Plus, there are always going to be some guests who do not want to spend that much money on a present, and so they will probably feel alittle overwhelmed to hear that you are registering for a down payment on a house. It might be better to not register at all and just spread by word of mouth that you and your FH want cash as gifts, if any gifts are given.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

I'm going to go against the flow here.

Here are my wedding registry thoughts: I would rather you register for something practical and expensive as opposed to unpractical and expensive. If I had to choose between a honeymoon registry or a mortgage registry, i'd say PLEASE register for the mortgage registry. As long as people get to choose how much they give, I'd happily give $50 to $100 to a mortgage registry if I knew it was a friend who was being responsible and wanted to stop renting. I would much rather do that than say, fund someone's vacation or buy them something dumb and useless they registered for, just because they felt they had to register and really had everything they needed.

I will say though that there are definitely practical things you might not have that would be cool on a regular store registry. What about new curtains, or area rugs, or even just a new end table for your living room? There will always be new things that need updating in your home/apartment.

And I'm one of those people who think you do need to do a registry for something. If you don't register, expect lots of silly homemade gifts, knicknacks that either don't match your decor or you don't have room for them, and at least three toasters. Some people will always prefer to give a gift rather than stick money in a card.

At least if you registered for a down payment, it's still money but at least then they'd know what it was going to. I'm personally one of the people who are hesitant to give money for wedding gifts because I would feel irritated if the couple wasted that money. I know it's not my place to say how they spend it, so to save myself irritation I just don't give money. I would however happily give to a mortgage registry, as I said before.

That was long, sorry.
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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

I'm just wondering why you'd spend so much on a wedding then put a honeymoon on credit?? Why not budget for what you can afford? Yes you hopefully only have one wedding but it's just a "party" pretty much. These days you can still have a very nice very classy wedding for much less. Granted you have to put a bit more effort into it but in the long run it's worth it!
I'm not too sure i'd give someone any money if I knew they blew so much on just the wedding. But then again i'm one of those who thinks more of getting what I need than what I want. My FH and I bought our house before we planed to get married. I was tired of throwing my money away on renting. It feels MUCH better to own a home!!!!

I couldn't imagen tossing that much money into a wedding then putting a honeymoon on credit when I didn't even own a home first. Heck I think I rather drive to a nice place and have a cheap honeymoon before i'd put it on credit. Imagen how much you'll end up paying after all the intrest...


BUT if you want to do the registry for the down payment be sure you look into the company you use. You need to know what APR they will give you or if they are even about the same as other companies right now. You don't want your investment to go to them and they end up being the most expencive. For sure need to do your homework on this one.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

Essentially, this is a registry for cash.

If someone I knew had such a registry, I'd be more like Chelsrae (sp?) then those who flat out think its tacky. However, I'd probably just give you cash outright, because most cash registries take some kind of fee -- even the place you signed up for probably requires you to ONLY get a mortgage through them, and that may not be the best thing.

Look, only you know your guests. In my family's neck of the woods, among my parents friends, its commonly understood that if you don't register at all, you want cash. Among our good friends, they would also go cash if we didn't register. Among his family, if we're not registered, they would give us a lot of random stuff we don't need -- like bibles. Also among those people, if we registered for a house, they'd still give us bibles, because they would resent us registering for a house when we, frankly, make a lot more money than many of them.

Ultimately, I think that's your biggest problem. I don't have an issue with $$ registries. . .except when I know that the couple in question has the cash -- or the earning capacity to get the cash -- by themselves. Then it feels less like a gift, and more like I'm just funding their discretionary spending. Still, I'd get you a gift -- but it wouldn't be off the mortgage registry.

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

Here is my take on the situation.

If it comes down to doing a honeymoon registery or the house one...do the house.

Me, I wouldn't do either.

Where I live, it isn't uncommon for anyone you've ever known to be invited to showers/weddings. For example, I was recently invited to my Mom's neighbor's daughter's shower, who I know, but not very well and would only say hello to if we ran into each other on the street. This isn't uncommon at all, I'm always receiving invitations from people I don't really know that well. I recently received an invite from the daughter of the couple who rent a house from my father, I don't even know her last name, and I've laid eyes on her once. Now while a close friend, I wouldn't hesitate to get her a nice $100 gift, but these people who I barely know, I just can't afford to do that for everyone. Especially a few months ago when I was still a college kid.

Now my problem with the mortgage registery, is if someone can't afford/doesn't want to give you $50-$100, on a traditional registery, they can easily find a nice $20 gift. Although it is of the same value, that gift doesn't give off the "I didn't spend very much on you" impression that the $20 bill in a card would. People may be a little concerned to have their exact donation value listed on the "mortgage donation list."

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 24, 2009 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Ms.D, bibles? Really? LOL. Thats hilarious.

OP: I would either just a. not register at all or b. register, but only for a few things, and this will most likely give people the impression that you would like or prefer money, without actually asking for it directly. I wouldnt do the mortgage registry,mainly for the same reasons MsD and Chels gave.

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 25, 2009 9:07 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I gotta throw my 2 cents in......I'm not a fan of honeymoon regesteries and therefore think registering for a house or a downpayment is a tacky.......BUT that is just my old fashion opinion!

When I do go to a wedding, I usually give cash and the let couple use it anywhich way they want, honeymoon, saving/investing, etc. A good friend of mine gave us money and wrote a note in the card telling us to spend every last dime of it on our honeymoon. One night when wewe went out to dinner & used her money specifically for dinner. She loved it when I told her what we did with "her" money.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 26, 2009 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: AlishaJ

If I was invited to a wedding and saw that the couple was registered for a mortgage, I'd think, 'Yeah, right' and then get them another gift (usually cash). I also give cash when couples register for a honeymoon. Why? I don't want $7 or more out of my $100 gift to go to some registry company when I could just give the couple $100 and they could have the entire thing.

I don't know if I'd use the word 'tacky,' but I think mortgage registries are a bit pretentious. Registering for china and household items is one thing. Registering for a mortgage is totally different. I know that couples who do this don't expect to get the ENTIRE mortgage paid for, but that's the way it seems to me. My reaction would be, 'Really? You're seriously asking for $500,000 (or whatever) in wedding gifts to pay for your house? Are you out of your mind?' I'd rather give cash - and if they want to spend it on a house, they're welcome to. If they want to buy shoes or spend it at the hotel bar during their honeymoon, that's cool with me, too.

If I were you, I'd wouldn't register. Most of your guests will get the hint and give cash, which you can save towards your downpayment. That way, you get the money you want without sending a 'Buy our house for us' statement to your guests.

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: How do we feel about registering for a house?
Posted: Jun 26, 2009 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I take issue with your statement that FH was wiling to go to the courthouse and save money for a house, but you HAD to have a wedding. And now you want your guests to pay for a house? Somehow this feels wrong to me.

I would decline your invite and send a $.99 card.

 

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