Seriously cold feet

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TennisStar Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/09
Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 25, 2009 4:03 PM

Hi,
I have been lurking here for a while now but this is my first post. I have been engaged for a couple of months but find I am getting cold feet. My relationship with my man has been going downhill since we got engaged. I find our conversations have become boring and he only talks to me about one thing and its what he is interested in. I fear we don't have enough in common to keep us going for the rest of our lives. I am active and he likes to play video games which is fine but I am afraid he will never want to be active. He said he just doesn't care to be outside. I know you can't change people and I don't want to force him into anything but he is unhealthy and its a turn off for me. I don't want any future children to have a sedatary lifestyle like him.

I don't know whether this is a big enough issue to call it off? I am smart enough to know you can't change people from their ways.

And I worry that I am making a mistake even though my man is so great in every other aspect.

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 25, 2009 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

That your "cold feet" are based on legitimate concerns and not just typical nervous jitters sends up a red flag. You know you can't change him, and you're unhappy with how unhealthy he is. You're finding being with him now boring, and you're clearly concerned about what that means for your future.
None of us can tell you if that issue is big enough for you to end it, only you can know that. If, however, you find that it's enough to make you unhappy in your relationship, you do need to further examine what this marriage will hold for you.
Have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe he doesn't realize the conversations have become so dull for you. When it comes to being active, maybe you could compromise. Maybe make a deal where he goes on an outing with you every so many weeks. Maybe after a few, he'll begin to enjoy them more. Then again, there are some people who just want to play on their video games, and personally that would make me very unhappy.

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TennisStar Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 25, 2009 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

I told him on several occasions that I am not interested in hearing about the same thing all the time (technology) and he said its the way of the future and I should embrace it. Well maybe so but it doesn't mean our conversations should be limited to what he is interested in. But I know for a fact he is not interested in what I am so I don't talk to him about it because I know it would bore him.

We used to go on day trips a lot but now we don't do anything. And neither of us drive so we are limited to public transport and where it can take us.

Thats the only thing that makes me unhappy, everything else is wonderful. But I am not happy with making someone change for me. Even though he says he will change, we have had this conversation before and nothing has happened.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 25, 2009 9:02 PM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

What is important to some people is not important to others. Basically, you have to decide what you love about your FH. If the things that un-nerve you are too much, then sure you might need to re-evaluate your relationship. Be careful though. Be sure that you don't trade in a 90% perfect man that is a bit lazy and end up with 17% man that's in great health but is an asshole. In my opinion, you can't give up on people all the time or else you'll be alone forever. I tried that.....it didn't work.

My DH was 300 lbs and had a drinking problem when we first met. I fell in love with him though. I told him I would give him a chance to improve himself. He learned to eat correctly. He layed off drinking 5 times a week. Now he socially drinks once every couple of weeks. He isn't an extremely active person. He likes his video games. He likes to work on PCs, build laptops from broken laptops. He's into technology...always talking about phones, new ideas, etc. So, he sounds a lot like you FH.

Here's the kicker. He asks me about my day. He talks to me about the news, sports, and even girly stuff (fashion, etc). I try to be interested in his stuff and he tries to be interested in my life. I would be bored out of my mind if we were clones of each other. We have things in common. We both love photography. We get out for day trips and go photograph different places around town. He has been to the gym with me maybe 5 times. Until we were on completely opposite schedules, he would take walks with me maybe once a month.

Does you FH show interest in you? I think the cold feet thing is normal. I was so overwhelmed after becoming engaged. I over thought everything. I convinced myself marriage was not for me, that I couldn't possibly live with anyone for the rest of my life. My worry just melted away one day. I started thinking that DH loves me enough to spend forever with me. He loves me in the morning when I'm a total monster (before coffee). He loves me when my face breaks out from my period. He loves me when I get cranky. He loves me. So, I stopped looking at his flaws. I realized I've got just as many personal hang ups that can get on other people's nerves.

I have no advice. I suppose I'm just letting you know from my stand point it's normal. Have you ever talked to him about it or are you just letting all of this swell in your head without letting frustration out?


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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 25, 2009 9:45 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Mushaboo asks some really good questions, and you yourself have pointed out that your guy is a wonderful person in most ways.

But I believe if you're questioning it (and you bring up valid reasons about why this relationship may not work for you), you should take some time to figure out whether this is really right for you.

I didn't get married till my late 30s, so I had the chance to date a lot of different people. And while I dated one or two bad apples in that bunch, for the most part, every single person I've dated or had a relationship with was a good person with lots of desirable qualities, and we had stuff in common, too. But every single one of them had a trait or five that I eventually figured out I just couldn't live with, and their good qualities just didn't make up for those traits I couldn't live with. Some of them were even what I would consider superficial.

I had only one guy before DH that I thought I might want to marry. And here's one of the superficial reasons I broke up with him: he was constantly late. It drove me nuts. Part of the reason it drove me nuts is I feel like he didn't respect my time. I was a teacher at the time, up at 5:30, at work by 7:15. He wasn't even working at the time, just volunteering regularly at this one organization, and he would regularly call at 10 PM or later, because he'd been hanging out with friends after finishing his shift, to ask if we could hang out. Um, NO, I'm going to bed in a half-hour! And I'll want to hang out with you before going to sleep and I can't afford to stay up, and you knew that, but thanks.

There was also at least one major reason for breaking up: he preferred masturbation to sex. But he was a good person, we had similar values, he was smart, I was attracted to him, etc. etc.

Anyway, DH has traits that I wish he didn't have, either, and we're on different pages on certain things. He's even an atheist whereas I'm not. BUT the good stuff outweighs the bad stuff, it just feels right being together, we communicate well, and we're on the same page in terms of values even though he doesn't believe in God.

Wow, this got really long. But I hope that helps. You deserve to "just feel right" about your relationship, and so does he. And you deserve to have somebody you're attracted to, but so does he. Good luck!

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TennisStar Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: May 26, 2009 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Thanks for the replies,


You have calmed my fears a bit.


Yes my man shows interest in me, but because I know he isn't interested in what I am interested in, I don't talk about it. I don't know if he asks how my day was at work, I will see what happens when I get home today. He doesn't read or watch the news so we don't talk about that. I wish he would read the news though because its important to know whats going on!

I have talked to him about this stuff before, how we have very little in common and it worries me and his reply was 'maybe we shouldn't be dating'. However I believe that was just a reaction at the time because he constantly tells me how he couldn't imagine life without me.

When I met my man he had a terrible diet but he has changed it to match mine and had stopped eating fast food. But he has not become more active at all. The thing I am worried about most is having children with him and them having a sedatery lifestyle. I told him this and he said well then I should take them out to do activities. But I want to do activities as a family.

I do try and listen to my man when he talks about technology but I simply can't care anymore when the first words out of his mouth to me in the morning are 'my iphone...' or 'I saw this thing on youtube'....

I have asked him, if he could change some things about me what would it be and he says nothing I am perfect the way I am. Which is why I feel so guilty for wanting him to be a bit different.

I am glad someone brought up the point to not trade in a 90% perfect man. I was wondering about this. I thought perhaps 'the one' is someone who matches you 100% and you wouldn't change a thing about them. If being so inactive didn't have an impact on his health I wouldn't mind, but the fact is he is unhealthy and overweight and not only will it create health problems, but (this sounds shallow) I am afraid it will be a turn off for me which will lead to further problems.


And I am worried about marriage for life. Sometimes I don't think I can do it. His parents have a 'perfect' marriage. or so it looks like from the outside. My parents had a perfect marriage until they both cheated on each other. I am afraid I will go the same way.

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TennisStar Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

Ok so I know I will get flamed for this but here goes anyways.

me and my man have gone through a rough time and he has been distant. I have been getting attention from a male friend and we ended up sleeping together. I know it was wrong, but I feel no guilt. None . Is that normal? We had such amazing chemistry together. He wants me to be his girlfriend. obviosly im engaged and he knows that. what do I do now?
my friend says im a pyschopath if I feel no guilt. so that worries me now. I try and feel guilty but cannot. Im so afriad of making a huge mistake and throwing away everything with my man for something unknown. And we live together and have joint accounts so its hard.
I know it was wrong, I just wish I could feel guilt but I really cannot. I think there must be something wrong with me.

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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

You threw away everything you had with your FH the instant you made the decision to sleep with another person. I know it can be tempting and nice to have someone pay attention to you, but if you are in a truly committed relationship and really in love with the person you are with, you have to draw the line. If you feel no guilt about sleeping with this other person, perhaps it is time to call it quits with your FH before your relationship with FH goes any further. It sounds like there may be more issues than you are telling us.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 7:16 PM Go to message in response to: rubyred1

If you're feeling no guilt about this, the two possibilities are that 1) you are a sociopath as your friend said (or should have said--it's not psychopath) or 2) you don't love your man. From your posts, you sound pretty normal, so I'm guessing it's #2. But only you really know that.

Obviously something's missing for you from your relationship with FH. Sounds like you have some self-examination to do.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 7:23 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

There's actually a third possibility: you love your man but are just not ready to commit your life to anybody yet. Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and him.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 20, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I agree with Happygirl: it just doesn't sound like your ready to commit yourself to this man. It's going to be really really hard, but if you decide to leave him, then you should do it quickly and as cleanly as you can for both your sakes. Don't lie to him about the reason because he'll just try to argue with you.

You do sound like a normal person, and I know what you're going through. I'm married to the "other man" that I slept with, so I know it was the right decision for me. I'm so blissfully happy now like I thought was only written about in fairy tales. :)

 

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WinterBride6602 Posts : 33 Registered: 4/13/09
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 9:34 AM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

Ok, so I have never had cold feet about the up and coming wedding, but I have found myself in these weird moods every now and again. Like super happy sometimes and then bummed out the next. I have been with my man for 7 years and we have been living together only 6 months or so. It has been a major adjustment! Getting engaged and then getting married is a major life changing thing! It can mess with your head and is super stressful. It also changes relationships you have with your parents and your friends, and your man. This does not necessarily mean you should not marry your guy, but then again you know your situation and you have to be totally honest with yourself here. Turns out, cold feet and reservations about getting married, is actually pretty common and normal. I seriously reccomend the book Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life by Allison Moir-Smith. I just started reading it and it is so dead on! Like she says, "a sock on the floor isn't just a sock on the floor anymore, its a sock on the floor FOREVER."

Even if you think you are totally calm and collected about getting married, I suggest this book....its so so so interesting!

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TennisStar Posts : 6 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Thank you for the replies. They were a lot kinder sounding than I thought I would get.

Happygirl, I do not think I am pyscho either but I do wonder why I feel no guilt. I feel guilt about other things, but this I do not.

Nalamienea, did you feel guilt when you slept with the other man?

I have been told that you should not tell your man you cheated because it will damage your man for any subsequent relationships. I do not want to do that to my man.

We have already talked about if we should still be together or not because we have such different lifestyles that will likely cause problems in the future.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid of making a huge mistake.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Seriously cold feet *update*
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 9:56 AM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

Well, I am not going to flame you, but I will say there is a HUUGE difference between having cold feet , and going out and sleeping with someone else when you are engaged to be married. The fact that you have zero guilt about it just tells me that you dont love this man. If you loved him, you would have guilt, emotion, and you would be very concerned about what this means for your future marriage. If this were a woman coming on here saying that her MAN/fiance cheated on her weeks or months before their wedding, every single one of us would be flaming that guy and telling her to leave his ass NOW because he doesnt love her etc. Well, I dont see how this is any different. I dont think you love him, OR I dont think you are a person who is ready for love or commitment right now at all. Either way, I really dont think you should be getting married at this time. I think you need to do some good old fashioned soul searching within yourself, and figure out WHY you are the kind of person who would go out and sleep with someone else when you are engaged to be married. That is what I think.

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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: Seriously cold feet
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: TennisStar

I don't know if this post will work cause brides has been messing up for me today...

anyways, tennis, are you my twin?? lol jk....but your FH sounds a lot like mine!

I don't really know what to suggest to be honest...just what other people said, that you probably aren't willing to commit yet. As for not telling your FH about your transgressions....I can see where you are coming from, you don't want it to destroy him for any other relationships he might have after you, but then again, if your roles were reversed, would you like to be suddenly dumped with no explanation? I really don't know what to say except you should probably not put deposits down on anything til its sorted out.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
 

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