Am i over-reacting?

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

obviously you are unreasnable, and this is NOT why i came here, so i'm done ... you can go cool off and be content that you have succeeded in agressivly pushing someone outa here with false acusations ... i never once preached, nor pushed, nor judged

good bye, i'll pray for you

Logikos

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

whelp, bye then.
My Planning Blog

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TheRealMrsJ Posts : 15 Registered: 6/11/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:58 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

I dont really see how he was "shoving it down people's throats" by suggesting Christian Counseling. Even with my current situation when we were looking into different counselors, a lot of people - including non-Christians - suggested Christian Counseling. Just thought I'd point that out. Sorry, but being someone in similar shoes of the OP's, I have to admit, going to church more often and getting back to our "Christian roots" has helped with the healing process quite a bit. Not saying "OMG you have to go to this church or that church" but just saying, whatever religion, denomination, whatever you practice, it doesn't hurt to get back in tune with it if you haven't been.

But that's just my 2 cents, no need to bash/knock religion IMO

Also, looking at the spelling errors in his post, I think he meant "anti-Christian" not "anti-Christ" but that's just my assumption - I don't personally know the poster, so it's merely an observation.


To the OP...

Being someone going through something similar, I feel ya and no, I don't think you're overreacting. It's good he chose to delete his myspace, as it's him showing that he's willing to try and stop and taking a preventative measure. Only problem though... how do you know he doesn't have another one that you don't know about? I think it's okay to check up on him occasionally, if you have a bad feeling about something and feel it's necessary, but don't make it your top priority to be constantly checking up on him - it'll only make you more paranoid. In a marriage, let alone a relationship, your partner should have nothing to hide from you and you should have nothing to hide from him. And yes, counseling is a must - most churchs require you to do some form of pre-martial counseling before you get married anyway, so might as well make the most of it and use this as more of a motivation to go. Counseling helps you discuss issues and problems with your partner in a safe enviroment with someone there to help ask the questions. The trust doesn't come back easy - that's something I'm constantly dealing with and counseling will help with that as well.


As for myspace itself... I hate how juvenille it's gotten. I've always liked facebook much much better. I really want to delete my myspace, but I still have like 2 friends on there where that's the only way I can keep in touch with them (1 being my cousin, who spent time in Iraq and lost touch with most the family after his parents messy divorce, and the other being an old high school friend who has no interest in getting facebook, ugh).
Formerly TheNewMrsJ

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: TheRealMrsJ

How about giving this thread back to the original poster, guys?


As pessimistic as it is, I don't think that people change very much. I'm really sick of people making blanket statements like "Don't date musicians, they're bad news!" just because THEY had a bad experience with a musician, so let me be clear on this: I've never been cheated on, never had anything like this ever happen to me. But, as a writer, a follower of psychology, and a basic observer of human nature, I just really don't think that he will change all that much. God, I really hope that I'm wrong, and I'm no expert or anything, so I very well might be. I can't tell the future.

I'm really just saying be careful. Be sure that he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and see if maybe this is just one of those persistent problems you're going to have to deal with throughout your relationship. He very well may never do this again (after all, it was just convos, nothing physical), but you need to be mentally prepared if it does ever happen again--I don't mean don't trust him! I just mean believe him completely about what he says, but separate yourself enough from the issue so that it doesn't wreck you emtionally if something like this ever does happen again. Try to find that line between trusting him completely and being just a little watchful IF you know beyond a doubt that he is the perfect man for you and this is the biggest obstacle.

The only thing that really concerns me is that you said, "I honestly don't believe that he's ever 'physically' cheated on me". I don't want to step on your toes or assume your intentions, but your words tell me that there's just a little bit of doubt in there. Saying "honestly" implies a need to drive this point in even more. You sound like you're already anitcipating doubt from other people, so you add "honestly" to push it further. This is also called hedging, trying to prolong getting to the point. Also, you said you "don't believe." Right now I will tell you my fiance has NEVER cheated on me. I know he didn't. I don't have to believe anything, because the facts are cold in my head.

If I'm not over-analyzing your words (and I'm very sorry if I am), then you really do doubt his faithfulness. It's important that you recognize that, because it greatly affects your decision to stay with him or leave him.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

As pessimistic as it is, I don't think that people change very much.

I hate to say it, but I agree. People are consistent. Every time someone tells me how they've "changed", I can't help but immediately be skeptical because although you hear all the time about how "so and so changed", how often do you then take a look at that person and...they really haven't.

My question for you to think about is this: Am I going to be able to deal with a husband who is a flirt? Because if you can, and if you trust him not to act physically on his flirting, then fine, go for it. But if not, you need to work on your trust and he needs to work on earning said trust, before you are married. Don't wait until after the wedding and expect marital bliss.

Also. I can tell you from my own personal experience that net-spying on your boyfriend/fiance will only make you more paranoid and make things worse. Just take it from me, you'll only push him away that way.
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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 3:17 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

I can tell you from my own personal experience that net-spying on your
boyfriend/fiance will only make you more paranoid and make things
worse. Just take it from me, you'll only push him away that way.


or don't be too shocked or complain when he starts checking up on you in return and gets annoyed over the fact that you've been venting about him on Brides.com - true story! been there, done that! LOL....

my response to that: "...and? I have nothing to hide, feel free!"

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

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www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

I don't think that you are overreacting at all. To me, it sounds like your fiancee was having some emotional affairs, and that can hurt just as much as a physial affair. You said that you have told him this bothers you and have asked him to stop before, but he hasn't. I applaud you for sticking up for yourself, it really shows that you love yourself and you know that you deserve someone who won't be talking and flirting with females on the internet. I'm not saying that you should leave him or stay with him, only you truly know what is best for you.

If you really do love him then I would try counseling, together. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon :)

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

Myspace it the devil, that is why I am on Facebook. It is not evil.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 1:59 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

I feel as though you are doing the right thing by a) pointing out something that you cannot handle now nor in the long run and b) suggesting premarital counseling so that there is a neutral mediator to balance tough conversations such as these. I don't know too many people who can sit here and say that they have perfect, lollipop relationships and that their is absolutely NOTHING that their FH/FW does that works their last nerves! LOL! I know my fiance can :) The great news is that we never stop learning about our partners throughout the process. Some things we can deal with and other things need to be nipped in the butt NOW. This qualifies as one of those moments. I wouldn't consider it a 'deal-breaker' but it potentially can become one if your FH doesn't recognize how serious this is to you. This is just a bit of the reality of being married. You are doing the right thing. Pinpoint the issue and address it with a possible solution. If that doesn't work, try the next one. Its so easy for us to say, "Girl, you betta' not marry that man" when he is acting a donkey, but we need to loose the ease in that. Our divorce rate is sky high for that very reason. Trying to work it out will help you to see the light if marriage is truly the road you guys need to travel down at this current stage in life :)

Good luck and I will be praying for you guys :)


Future Mrs. Benberry

http://thebenberryz.brides.com

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jul 2, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

hah i've had problems on both myspace and facebook.
Good thing about my FH is when I tell him I don't like something he works on it. Like I HATED how he HAD to check out his cousin's new chic of the week. And how 90% of the time they would ad my FH to their myspace yet he says he doesn't really know them. cute little 18 and 19 year olds just bother me. lol But he's been good about that now and understands. I didn't get on him about it I just let him know I didn't feel good about it.
THEN his ex... It's ALWAYS been an issue with us but we've tried working on it. Still are.. I actually got a message on facebook from someone we don't think we even know and it said I deserved better blah blah blah and how my FH is still in love with this ex and even stated he misses her. I showed him the message and he said there is NOTHING between him and the ex and he did write something stating he missed talking to her but thats all. That did bother me but as stated above he wants to marry ME.

I think talking it out will help a lot. I think just about all of us flirt a little. It feels good to be noticed and to feel that good feeling. lol ALTHOUGH the lunch date would have for SURE been the breaking point for me. You need to have an open relationship. Things like that shouldn't be hidden if it's innocent.

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True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 5:52 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

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