problems having our first time

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Logikos, I still maintain that SHE needs to take charge of this issue...just like with abortions, it's HER body! You don't have a vagina, so let her take care of her own. There is no sense in you coming here and making enemies...perhaps you should direct HER here. So that she can get some support from other women who may have experienced similar situations and would be more comfortable talking to her not you.

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: BoysMissLady

as i've already stated in previous posts

i've encouraged her to talk to other ladys and doctors

i'm here because i love her and because she asked me to help her ... she knows how to use the internet, but she is unconfortable talking to people ... obviously i plan to show her this post when she gets back from clinic

you act as though i'm trying to control her or something, i assure you thats not the case, nor does it have anything to do with trying to help me with my initial question .. this thread has drifted way off topic.

as for abortions, beings you decided to bring that up i (as you already know) strongly disagree, however that is not what this fourm, nor thread is about ... you can say your bit, and i can say mine and in the end we get no where, because we have a different starting perspective ... i beleive that its a baby at conception and killing it before its born is no different then killing it after its born

because of that beleif it is imposable for me to agree with abortion, you do not hold that beleif, so nothing i say can convince you because to you, its something entirly different so killing it is no big deal ...

so there is no need to go down that path, i understand why you feel the way you do, weather you can understand why i feel the way i do or not, lets just move past it cause else it will be a big waist of time and thats not why i'm here.

Logikos

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

You don't HAVE to directly preach at me or insult me; I'm intelligent enough to read between the lines and see when someone is throwing out judgmental, backwards insults without actually preaching. Your "battle" with pornography is barely relevant to the rest of the post, and yet you felt the need to post about it. Why? Because "Christians" like you like to go around throwing out subtle hints of judgement whenever possible. You don't realize that's what it is you're doing, but it IS what you're doing.

Any time you make judgments on what is morally wrong or acceptable, you run the risk of insulting someone who disagrees. It's fine, it happens, but at least be smart enough to be aware that you're doing it.

Also? Please go back to English class.
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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

The post was made before you posted anything, so it wasnt directed at anyone, it was not a reply to something someone else said it was me admiting a sin which caused me to both stumbel, yet enabled me to have an understanding of what goes on during sex without having ever experienced it and in my mind it was completly relavent,

i am truly sorry that it offended you, but think this though ... you got offended over something that was not ment to offend (as your post implys you understand) and in retaliation you go out of your way to insult, attack, and judge me ... so much so that you even make fun of the way i spell ... when i have tryed to be nothing but kind and avoid religious topics, i was just here trying to help my wife, give me a break

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Logikos, What exact advice is it that you would like us to give. I have read all of the replys on this thread and you have been given very good advice but for everything you have an excuse as to why that won't work or hasn't worked. If the advice you are looking for is 'let it be, you have done all you can for your wife' then believe me you have come to the wrong message board.

You need to get your wife to a doctor that will listen and help her. Too bad if the first three didn't work you need to keep looking. Yes, doctors cost money but are you willing to let your wife suffer because of that? Find a clinic and help your wife. No more excuses.

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:45 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

First of all, I have to admit that I skimmed a few of the later posts in here because I just wanted to reply before I forgot what I had to say. So if I say something that's old news, forgive me.


I'm also very very shy, and nobody has ever seen me naked except for a gyno and my fiance (even then, he hasn't seen everything--we're waiting for the full deal until we're married) and it took him a long time to be able to get anything out of me at all because I was so uncomfortable with myself. If you rule out everything medically-related and there's still this problem, then it very well may be a mental issue. Her culture is very restrictive, so I can imagine she grew up believing that sex is not supposed to be enjoyable (congrats on getting her to enjoy it through foreplay, though, that's a big step). She might be having such a hard time letting you in because it's so alien--she went from not even understanding her own body as you said to suddenly being married and getting naked for another man and doing things she probably still doesn't understand. That's very stressful. My advice to you is to be patient. Get her medical advice first, despite the costs because your relationship is worth much more than a few hundred dollars. There are no wasted dollars medically, because every "failed" appointment at least rules out what ISN'T wrong.

Also, I bet you she understands how you work even less. If you haven't done it already, help explain everything to her. Get her on the internet researching this stuff (I'm not implying porn, but I will admit that I understood nothing about guys until I saw a few pictures and stuff that helped me get more comfortable and at least start asking questions). The more you talk, the more comfortable she'll be.

Secondly, she NEEDS to stop cleaning herself so actively. I guarantee you that's why she got the infection in the first place. Your body produces natural oils and combats bacteria naturally. She's cleaning away these oils, drying out her skin (therefore the itch), and eliminating these helpful bacteria on her skin that eat other bacteria. Not all bacteria is bad, so antibacterial soap is actually the worst kind of soap you can use on sensitive skin. I knew a lady with the exact same problem, and it was because she was taking baths in antibacterial soap.

There are new lines of feminine hygeine products out there. Playtex has feminine cleaning cloths, these premoistened pads that are intended for cleaning her vulva, clit, everything down there. She should not be putting any cleanser inside her vagina, though. Get her these pads, because I understand she won't just want to stop cleaning.



The MAIN problem I see, and this is probably because of my psychology background, but I see her being so ashamed of her body that she can't accept its smells, textures, etc. without feeling embarrassed. You need to help her with that. Learn to laugh at embarrassing things and help her to laugh too. Assure her that her body is beautiful and natural and that everything functions down there for a reason. She will get more comfortable with you the more you work on it. I hope you two pray together, too, because that will definitely help. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, though. I'm a Christian also, and wanted to stay pure until I was married. I battled so much with impure thoughts and the whole deal that I'm sure you're aware of. Somewhere down the line I decided God didn't want me to have so much anguish over a completely natural human need. I felt I was going against my genetic makeup by being so chaste that I couldn't even get undressed in front of a mirror. I think that God wants us to stay pure, but I don't think that He wants us to sweat blood trying to get there. Maybe "pure" is subjective. I don't claim to know the answers, and I very well may be doing everything wrong, but my fiance has no trouble getting me to open up now. I'm happier. Maybe you guys need to step out of your comfort zones a little, but NOT to the point that you're sacrificing your relationship with God. I'm just telling you what's worked out for me. Search yourself, but please be open-minded. Because, as unrealistic as they are, maybe watching a porn together would at least get you guys started in conversation or questions or ideas. You know who to talk to about that one though.


Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I hope I could help you. To recap: help her feel more comfortable by complimenting her, let her sit around completely naked for a long period of time when you're not even doing anything sexually, let her ask questions, just do whatever you can to make her feel more comfortable. She needs a woman to talk to, hands down. Also, get her feminine cleansing cloths. And try to be more open-minded sexually. You're married now. Sex can be very fun and very intimate. Don't take it too seriously, enjoy the moment. I wish you the best.

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

"am i posting on those threads trying to convert or judge? ... no ... "

Actually, that statement is a lie. On 2 threads now you have told people to "find a bible believing church" because that will help them. If that's not trying to convert people, then I don't know what is.

Also, people are not making fun of the way you spell. People are telling you that your spelling and grammar are atrocious and you should work on that. Spell check is your friend. You can spell check every post before you submit it. That may not catch everything, but you probably wouldn't sound so uneducated if it caught most of your many errors.

 

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:54 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Lori, Thanks for posting, i got all the info i think i'm going to get and i thanked everyone for it several posts ago

what is going on now is just someone expressing there bitterness twords me shrugs

Jream, Thanks for the help, i apricate your advice

To everyone else: i've goten what i came here for, i did not come here for a religious debate (although i'd be happy to do it, this is not the place for it, so stop attacking me)

anyone who wants to keep replying feel free, but i'm off and dont plan to return - later

Logikos

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Guys, seriously. Some people are for some things, some people are against them. If you believe in something because of moral convictions, then "reading up on it" won't change anything, just like "preaching" to someone won't change their views at the drop of a hat. None of these difficult issues can be solved by arguing at each other.

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Ok, well she asked for your help but since it's her body there is nothing that you can do. So stop. When she decides to take control of her health then maybe the two of you will be able to have sex. Yes, I do think that you are controlling, but that is my personal opinion. If she doesn't handle this for herself then she'll never take charge of her own life.

My last comment on the topic of abortion is this...I'm NOT talking about when life starts. I am talking about a woman's RIGHT to determine what happens to her own body. And that is what Planned Parenthood does, it helps women decide what is right for them.

Honestly, I get sick of men trying to tell women what is good for them, when you really have no idea. Just like that nutcase who killed the doctor...all in the name of the Lord. That is not the God that I serve...get over yourself!

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:09 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Okay I mean this in the nicest possible way....are you sure you are putting it in the right hole? I mean I know you said you have watched porn and all and one would think that you would know which hole is for what....but hey there is plenty of anal sex porn out there and maybe you are confused?

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:28 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

I just wanted to add that those of you who were playing the first, second, and third game... It isn't third anymore its threedly Mr.Kelley taught us that remember?

As we grow older, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change about me, I will keep falling in love with you all over again every single day

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:41 PM Go to message in response to: Lilmisssouthern...

Haha, excuse me, Drm, it's clearly the "First, Second, Threed" game. My bad. ;)
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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 2:44 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Boys-
See, that's another thing that was bothering me with this and I didn't want to even have two different debates at once, but really? There is some gross sexist ideas going on in this thread. I'm so sick of men trying to figure out what is "best for" women. Unless you have a vag, it is not your place to decide what's best for one.

And, I don't think God is a sexist jerk either. Mine isn't anyway.
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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: problems having our first time
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Chels...that whole discussion pisses me off to the highest level of pissitivity!!

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