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Small wedding...big shower?

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Ellle Posts : 8 Registered: 5/1/09
Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 11:55 AM

Hello everyone.
My fiance and i just recently decided to change our plans for our october 2010 wedding from our larger country club wedding of 110+ to an inimate outdoor wedding of our closest family and friends (about 20-25 people) we arent even inviting our aunts and uncles! we just dont want to deal with family drama plus we want to keep our budget tiny so we can buy a house.
we're practically eloping so my question to everyone is, afetr we have this small private wedding...can my mother throw us a big wedding shower and invite everyone we couldnt invite? (even to the country club wedding)
what are your thoughts on the etiquette of this?

thanks!

small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

Unfortunately, this is a huge breach of etiquette, even in your situation.
The reason for that is because a Bridal Shower's purpose, essentially, is to "shower" the Bride and Groom with gifts ; things they need for their new lives together, etc etc.
So; everyone that is invited to your Shower needs to also be invited to your wedding. Otherwise, the message is that you are inviting them to the Shower to get their gift, but they are not good enough to attend your wedding.
I know thats not the message you want to send, so I wouldnt do it.

If your goal is to still celebrate somehow with the other relatives and extended family, a much better idea is to host a 2nd wedding celebration, sometime after the wedding, for everyone you couldnt affordto invite to the actual wedding itself. Something casual... a BBQ or whatever; in celebration of your marriage. Spread the word to family and friends that you have decided on a very small, almost private wedding due to funds -- but that in the near future, you will be having a bigger celebration for everyone else. This can happen whenever, but a month or two after your wedding date would make the most sense.

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small_wedding , october_2006 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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BoysMissLady Posts : 933 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:43 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

Kelley is absolutely right! A former friend and I fell out with each other for that precise reason. She invited me to her shower and not her wedding and when I told her that I was offended (which is something friends should be bale to do) she went crazy.

It reads to your guests, your good enough to get me a gift, but not to be a part of our day. Don't do it! Tell your mom, it's a no no. And I think you need to be careful not inviting your aunts and uncles anyway...have they been a part of your life? They need to be there.

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small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , houston , october_2010
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

This is a big no-no. Put yourself in the shoes of the people invited to the shower. You are important enough to be invited to buy a gift and come to a shower, but not important enough to be included in the actual wedding day. How would that make you feel?

 

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small_wedding , new_york_metro , october_2008 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

I agree with the PP's. It is considered very bad etiquette. I was once invited to a shower and not the wedding. I understood my friend wanted to include me and wasn't being gift grabby but it still left me feeling second rate. She had invited 350 people to her wedding but she couldn't fit one more in? I did attend the shower, with a gift of course and besides being a breach of etiquette it was also incredibly akward because of course the other shower guests were talking about the wedding. They would comment to me or ask me a question about the wedding and I had to lie because I wasn't going to tell them I wasn't invited to the wedding. Very, very awkward.

august_2008 , south_carolina , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , small_wedding
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simplebride2 Posts : 33 Registered: 4/17/09
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

I agree with the other posters in that you can't have a shower with people who aren't invited to the weding. However, if you're doing it after the wedding, it isn't really a shower anyway. It is perfectly acceptable for your parents to through a party to celebrate their daughters wedding after the fact. Semantics, I know, but that's how the game is played. People will probably bring you presents anyway.

I disagree with the poster who said you must invite aunts and uncles. I'm not. We are just having a very small wedding with parents, sibs and grandparents. It's your choice. If you are having a party afterward invite them to that. I think they will understand that you are just having a very small wedding; mine all did.

small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , september_2009 , minnesota
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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 9:10 AM Go to message in response to: Ellle

OP, I have to agree with everyone else. However, it really sounds to me like you're not actually talking about a shower, just a party to celebrate the wedding which would be totally OK.

 

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september_2009 , small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , new_york
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BeckiSou22 Posts : 65 Registered: 3/27/09
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: Heidibride30

I think a better idea for you would be to have a "Meet the newlyweds" party... my aunt and uncle live in Florida and the rest of our family is in new york, so they had a wedding where they live and a few of us went down, but a month or so later they came up here to visit and had a meet the newlyweds party, pretty much a second reception for everyone that couldnt attend the first wedding

small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010 , new_york , september_2009 , august_2009
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Ellle Posts : 8 Registered: 5/1/09
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

yes youre all right....shower is the wrong word. more of just a semi casual celebration...since we are only having a small wedding. and no our aunts anduncles were never a strong part of our lives. our fathers just have big families.
it turns out theis celebration will probably also double as a going away party because we are hoping to move across the country soon after the honeymoon.

small_wedding , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

I missed the part that said it was AFTER the wedding. Yes after, drop calling it a shower and call it the hello newlyweds/good bye newlyweds party and you will be good to go.

small_wedding , august_2008 , south_carolina , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 5:31 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

Dear Elle,

It's a Delayed Reception.

Mr and Mrs Homer Simpson
invite you to a reception in honor of

Lisa Simpson Muntz and Nelson Muntz
married 1/1/09 in Springfield

date, time, place etc.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Small wedding...big shower?
Posted: Jun 19, 2009 11:27 PM Go to message in response to: Ellle

If its a small, informal party after the wedding, then its totally ok.

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

small_wedding , new_york_metro , october_2008 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2010
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