Am i over-reacting?

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 9:47 PM

Our wedding date was set for Sept 12, '09. I cancelled it because i found out that my fiance was browsing the internet. Over the course of about 6 months, I found some very interesting conversations between him and other females on Myspace. When i approached him about it, he apologized, admitted that he was wrong, and did it again. His reason was that when he started conversating with these women online, he just got caught up and carried away with it and it went too far. There wasn't any explicit conversating, just a lot of flirting.This happened about 4 times in the 6 months. I would fuss a little bit and let it go, but this last time was the last straw! I was fed up and I gave him his ring back. We had a brief separation period from each other but ultimately decided to stay together. I honestly don't believe that he's ever "physically" cheated on me. However, i feel like certain conversations classifies as cheating as well. We're still engaged but now i find myself having trust issues with him and refuse to set another wedding date right now. I can see that this time he is genuinely sorry. He has deleted his Myspace account. I have his other email address and his password. I check them often just to see if there are any slip-ups, but i don't want to feel like i have to do that. I really have an issue of trust with him now. I love this man with all my heart and i want so much to be able to trust him again. I suggested pre-marital counseling for us and he agrees and is usually in compliance with whatever i ask of him. I need to know ...Am i over-reacting or do i have good reason to feel like this?

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allisonfoster2B Posts : 65 Registered: 5/9/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

My first question is-Does he know these girls? or is it just an online thing?
Throw away his password!!! Yes i know you are having trust issues and i would too, but you dont have to babysit him. If he is trying and you know he is genuine...then TRY to trust him. I know it's going to be hard. But you have to give him a chance to earn it back.

I will admit i sometimes flirt with my best guy friend, he's an ex. My FH knows it too. he laughs at the silly things we say back and forth. I will be sitting at the computer and giggle, and he will come over and read, what was written and what i am typing. We have no feelings for each other like that. He is the best friend.

Back to topic....sorry. It's good that he is willing to go to counsleing. I think it is un nessasary for him to delete his myspace. The biggest thing is if you want to be with him, give him a chance to ear it back. Im not saying have your friends e-mail him, or you creat an account and start talking to him. He probaly genually didnt mean to do what he did, and like you said...it got our of hand.

Sorry for the spelling!

AllisonWink

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 11:12 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

I was going to ask the same theing that a PP did. Does he know these women in real life? If he does are they mutual friends? Everyone has different personality styles. I'll be more prone to mess around with friends of ours. DH is the same way. We're very comfortable with our mutual friends.

On the flip side of that statement, if he's flirting and getting cozy with other females......ugggghhhh, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Again, everyones has relationship boundaries. For me personally, I feel that is a slippery slope. Steal a candy bar today and a car tomorrow. lol His boundaries and your boundaries might be waaaaaay off. If there are, of course counseling can help if you can't communicate without a neutral party.

Do not monitor him. There's been a whole recent discussion on that on another thread..... see here..... http://www.cheaptickets.com/App/shared/pagedef/results/hotelDetailsStandalone.jsp?z=7b73&r=ef&z=7b75&r=eh&lastPage=interstitial The last couple of pages go over monitoring your FH/DH and that's it really not cool.

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 17, 2009 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: Robin908

I do think he needed to delete his myspace. If you have one, I think you should delete it to. Also, anyone who is reading this, delete your myspace as well.

Myspace is evil and always causes problems. Whether it is gossip, conversations, or people just trying to make something out of nothing that they read on myspace...it is always TROUBLE.

I do admit though, I have a myspace, but I am trying to use it a lot less and not log on every single day.

FH & I had some problems with myspace when he first got back from Iraq. However, this was with girls that he KNEW.

One was his X gf who went NUTS when he broke up with her. It was an apology to her for some stuff that happened between them. But the problem for me was that it was a little too much and too wordy. He is not a very detail oriented person, and his emails, messages, etc are normally no more than 1 to 2 sentences. This particular message told her how great of a person she was and that she deserved the best, etc. She had sent him a message back. Then he had sent her another message more along the lines of "catching up" and even told her that he missed talking to her. If he had told me about this message, maybe I would have handled it differently, probably not though. But I went BALISTIC. I took my then promise ring off, and we had a hard time getting over that one. It still haunts me. What bothered me the most is that this was his x gf, and he said he missed talking to her, meaning there was some type of emotional connection there. Not just some physical attraction to looking at a hot girl who he doesn't know with a sexy profile pic. Incase you can't tell, it still makes me mad and its been almost a year ago. I never had the least bit of a problem with this girl (who I went to school with) until after that happened, not talking about her aggravates me.

The second thing that he did on myspace was message this girl a couple of times that he used to be friends with, who I also went to school with and never had any problems with until he first got deployed. There were a few days in which I couldn't talk to FH. During the first day of not being able to talk to FH, one of my best friends called me and told me that this girl had left a message for my FH (then boyfriend) on myspace saying "Hey, I hadn't heard from you in a few days, call me I miss ya!" or something to that extent. FH never told me had been talking to her, and in the year before that in which FH and I dated, they never really talked unless they just ran into each other. My anger boiled for the next few days until I could talk to FH again. He then informed that she had called him once to see how he was, but he didn't think it was a big deal to tell me. To some people it may not be, but to me it was. She caused us a lot of problems because for days, I was under the impression that FH had been calling her during his deployment and hiding it from me. All this dumb drama because of MYSPACE. He no longer talks to her except on polite run-ins.

After all this MYSPACE drama, which almost ended mine and FH's relationship (the x gf thing more than the old friend one), he deleted his myspace. Sometimes I wonder if FH does things that would make me uncomfortable such as the two above mentioned things, but now I just have to trust in him because I can't check up on it, and I do trust him, I know he loves me and wants to marry ME.

So I guess that was a whole lot of info that didn't answer you question at all...sorry. But to address your question, I don't know if you are overreacting, I don't know what was said. How would I react? I'd probably be very angry, and I would probably overreact. Did he form an emotional connection with these girls? To me, cheating isn't just physical, it can be emotional as well. Was he having like "cyber sex" with these girls? I don't really know what that is, but I've heard about it, I'd have to know more about it though to decide where it is on my cheating standards.

It doesn't really matter if what he's doing is techinally right or wrong, okay or not. It basically comes down to this: This was his action, and that was your reaction, whether it was overdramatic or not, it upset you enough to form that reaction. You've made it clear to your FH that you are NOT OKAY with whatever it is he is doing on myspace, yet he still continues to do it anyway. Just because he doesn't have a myspace anymore, does that mean that he won't do the same on chat rooms, facebook, twitter, or whatever else there is out there these days? You have to reach a compromise together as a team, not just "you did this bad thing so your punishment is no more myspace."




PS: When I was on FH's myspace it wasn't to snoop, it was because he did not know how to do all the layout stuff on myspace so I would handle all of the layout, HTML, and decorative page stuff for him...which of course led to me being nosey and snooping. But that is the only reason I knew his password.

Sorry that was so long

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 12:22 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

Counseling - PLEASE go to couples counseling.

 

 

 

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Robin908 Posts : 26 Registered: 11/7/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 5:36 AM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Yes i do have a Myspace too. The ONLY reason i have it is because i have a son in Iraq and that is how we communicate. He doesn't call, but he will send me a message on Myspace. I don't communicate with anyone else on Myspace. My fiance knew that and I made sure that he knew my password. As far as whether or not he knew these women...I know he knew 1 of them.He said that she was like a sister to him. He was taking his son to a nearby city to take a placement test for a college. I found out through checking his email that he was planning to have lunch with this woman. My problem with that is she is a single, very attractive female and that he didn't tell me about the lunch date. I really don't feel this is appropriate for someone who is in a relationship. After all, he wouldn't want me to have lunch, dinner or anything else with a single good looking male friend. To me, it's just a matter of respect. There was 1 who was a model for a company called Dangerous Curves. This is an agency for plus size models. He suggested that we drive 6hrs from our honeymoon destination to another state just for me to do a photo shoot with this company. I thought that was a ridiculous idea and that he was trying to meet this woman. After all, he is a photographer himself and could've very well done my pictures "for free". His personality is that he is a people person and doesn't meet any strangers...male or female. He says things to the store cashier or the restaurant server, etc that i feel are flirty sometimes which i don't make a big deal out of because that's just how he is. I honestly think we all flirt to a certain degree. But as i said before, I love this man and i know that he loves me too and we do know that we want to be married.It broke my heart when 2 days ago i got a call from the alteration shop that my wedding dress was ready to be picked up. All of our plans were made and the only thing we had left to do was to send out invitations and pick up their tuxs. I'm feeling hurt and angry right now. I really wish that i could let it all go and wipe the slate clean. Even the wedding planner has been calling to see how we are doing. Counseling is definitely in our very near future.

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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: Robin908

my wife and I were engaged for 5 years before getting married about 3 weeks ago. but before I got saved in '98 i had a very serious porn adiction. porn is like a drug (if not worse) its like a poisen in my mind ... after i got saved i'd try hard to stay away, but i'd fall and when id look at it i'd feel terable, and flithy and sick to my stomic. Thankfuly i got out of it, but its still a weak spot for me.

i told all this to my wife when we first got engaged, she has all my passwords to everything and total access to my computuer and i do not delete my history. I love her more than anything but i'm still tempted to go places i shouldnt online. you didnt mention porn but i used to have online conversations also .. which can be even worse in a way.

we trust eachother totaly but we are also open to eachother, no secrets, nothing hidden ... he should be confortable with you having total access to his computuer, and you should be confortable with him having the same access to yours. ... keeping eachother in check is good and healthy ... everyone has weak moments and you need to remove the things which can cause them, such as myspace for him aparently, i agree he should delete his account.

and the 2 of you should find a good bible beleiving church and talk to the pastor ... dont just go to a normal consoler

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: Logikos

and the 2 of you should find a good bible beleiving church and talk to the pastor ... dont just go to a normal consoler.

Im sorry but I cannot let that statement slide because it angers me. It is not up to YOU to tell anyone else what kind of religion they should follow, or if they should follow one at all. Maybe this poster is Buddhist, or Jewish, or atheist, or whatever else. Being "saved" was the right path for YOU, but its not the only path and there are many right paths for other individuals. Please dont preach your path to other people, its annoying and a turn-off. OP: seeing whatever kind of counselor you want to see and feel is best is absolutely fine of course. The most important thing is that you both agree to that, and also that you regain the trust you had for him. It sounds like right now, this relaitonship has been broken, and I cant blame you for not trusting him. He has given you sound reason for those feelings. But you need to decide whether or not you want to move forward and begin the process of trusting him again, or if thats not possible. You should not be marrying anyone that you dont feel you can trust.

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Aw, man,Kelley I'm glad you got to that one before I did. How narrowminded are YOU, dude?
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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

sorry, i thought this fourm was a fourm where people could voice there opnions freely in love.

no need to get so 'angry' and upset, good nite.

the first amendment still exists you know. if you beleive in alah or budda or whoever and talk about them no one gets offended. but oh my word, should someone mention the bible, or Jesus (my gosh he said it again) .. the house comes down

there is nothing wrong, nor offenstive about giving GOOD advice to seek a bible beleiving church, its not like anyone is forceing anything on anyone. you all have a free will to do and pratice what you please

i'm new here, but not new to forums, people will have different opnions, thats life, and the poster will read though them and sort though what they seem to be good and bad

had you posted some junk about some other religion it would not have offended me, i deal with anti-christs all day long.

in Love,

Logikos

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:25 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

Logikos, no one said that you can't be religious, we simply prefer not to have your religion shoved down our throats. And yes, I do find it offensive that you would tell the OP not to go to a regular counsellor, but a bible believing church instead. If that works for you, great, but that doesn't mean that you should tell someone else that's what they should do. For the record, there are plenty of people who post here regularly who are deeply religious, but they do not feel the need to force their beliefs on us.

 

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

I don't even know why I'm bothering to reply because I can already tell you're not going to get it, but here's the thing:

Never do I see buddhists, muslims, or any other religious people get on a public forum and try to convert everyone at that forum to THEIR beliefs. However, I see it with "Christians" ALL the time. (I say "Christians" in quotation marks for an obvious reason).

I don't have a problem with Jesus. I actually like Jesus very much. Why? Because he's not a judgemental toolbag, unlike a large percentage of the fake "Christians" I see who get online and post crap like this.


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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

P.S. Calling people "anti-christs" and then saying "in love" is pretty much contradictory. You don't call hateful names and then negate it with fake/forced love.
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Logikos Posts : 13 Registered: 6/18/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Heidibride30, thank you for being kind in expressing your opnion, i'm confused at what point i tryed to force any beleif ... this fourm's purpose is for someone to post a question or concern and to get opnions form others isnt it? some opnions you may like, some you may not but you want several opnions so you can take the information and hopefuly make a wise decision.

me giving my opnion to go to a good bible beleiving church is no different than in a fourm i created someone told me to go to planed parenthood ... that was there opnion, i disagreed with it but was not upset or offended by it, i simply stated that i would not concider that and moved on

ChelsRae85, "I don't have a problem with Jesus. I actually like Jesus very much. Why? Because he's not a judgemental toolbag," - on this thread and the other you have been nothing but judgemental of me, i've not judged you, nor insulted you, nor attacked you, nor nothing but give my opnion and respond to your agressive comments.

i didnt come here trying to convert anyone, i gave an opnion, where one line of it you got all worked up over.

in love,

Logikos

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Am i over-reacting?
Posted: Jun 18, 2009 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: Logikos

The difference in my "judging" versus your judging is that I'm doing it based on what I actually see, whereas you're doing it in a self-righteous, I'm-A-Christian-And-Therefore-I-Know-Best manner. It's such a tired, overused facade--you really should drop it and get a new one.

I'm so sick, jaded even, of people preaching on public forums where it is totally and completely irrelevant to do so. Your religious jabbering had NOTHING to do with what the post was about.

And because neither does my complete and utter lack of tolerance for stupidity doesn't have anything to do with the original post, Robin, I am very sorry to have hijacked your thread and I really do have some good thoughts for you in a minute.
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