How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?

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Kaylesgee Posts : 14 Registered: 4/5/09
How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?
Posted: Jun 12, 2009 7:49 PM

OK, here's the thing, I've only got my mum, she split up with my step-dad years bk so I have no contact with him or my actual father. Both parents of FH are contributing, as is my Nanny who's on a limited budget. My mother goes on about 4 holidays a year and just spent a bomb on her third wedding, how do I ask delicatly if she's prepared to help me out? I'm the first of her 3 kids to get married, and (without wanting to sound like a b*tch) probably the only one who will. She paid for me to go to private school and college and it would be unfair to tell her how much FH parents are putting in cos it would be like I'm telling her "you have to put this much in or you don't measure up" she hasn't mentioned helping planning my wedding or anything and I've been engaged since last March, but at the same time she's had her own wedding to deal with. Any suggestions?
Kayles was here!!!!!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?
Posted: Jun 12, 2009 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: Kaylesgee

If she hasn't offered and you think she might like to help, you're just going to have to ask. You don't have to be "delicate"--just polite. "Mom, I was wondering whether you can (or intend to) offer us any financial help for the wedding." If you do ask, leave out all of the irrelevant stuff--how much FH's parents are contributing (nobody's business but yours, your FH's, and the parents), how much her third wedding cost, and how many holidays she takes. Her money is her money, to do with as she pleases. You're a grownup now, and it sounds like she has been quite supportive of you in the past.

I find that most parents who want to help don't have to be asked--they offer. But, some do wait until they're asked. If you've done any research on your costs, it would help if you're prepared with a reasonable look at your costs. Also, be prepared for her not to contribute and to have to pay the rest of the costs yourselves. Remember, too, that money=control. If she does contribute, will she try to control your choices? If so, do you want to give up control in order to have the money?
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?
Posted: Jun 12, 2009 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: Kaylesgee

dear Kayles,

Ditto exactly on what Myra said.

I emphasize the point that your mother's contribution to your wedding has NOTHING to do with any other money she might be spending on anything else.

A very indirect way to mention the subject would be something like finishing a phone conversation with "Mom, I've got to go. I've enjoyed talking to you. But, I promised myself that I would spend this evening hammering out my wedding budget, and I must get to work."

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Kaylesgee Posts : 14 Registered: 4/5/09
Re: How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?
Posted: Jun 13, 2009 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

BUT at the same time, whenever I've mentioned my wedding, she isn't interested in the slightest, should I take that as her being too busy with her own stuff or not interested full stop?
Kayles was here!!!!!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do I ask my mum if she's gonna help financially?
Posted: Jun 13, 2009 6:22 PM Go to message in response to: Kaylesgee

Dear Kayles,

If she appears to be not interested, then you have to simply act on that.

Make your budget what money you have in hand, and forget about any contribution from your mother. Let her know the date, so she won't plan something else, then go ahead with your planning.

Just hope she is interested enough to show up!

***

It's hard to know what her motivation is. I know of people my age who have grown children. They take the attitude of "I raised them. I supported them. I put them through college. Now it's MY turn to do for myself instead of doing for kids."

I don't agree with that. On the other hand, I don't want to meddle too much in the lives of my adult sons. They have their respective lives.

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