The Name Battle

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ChrisandKait Posts : 14 Registered: 1/19/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Ladies,

I appreciate all of the input and advice. To answer some questions:

Several options have been presented to him, including combining our names into one unique name. Still no.

Kids: I don't want them, he does. I said to give me 10 years (because I'm only 22) to figure it out, and we'll go from there. We had talked about giving a son, if we had one, my name as a middle name. But I'd really rather he have the last name so that he can carry on the family name.

I really wouldn't put up such a fuss if it wasn't so important to me and my family. My parents would never out-and-out say it in front of him how much it would mean to them, but I know it would. Plus, he has 3 older brothers, one of whom just got married last September, and whose wife wants to be pregnant by the end of the calendar year. He thinks I'm emasculating him, I feel like this is how I hold on to my identity (seeing as everything else about this process is not me).

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alleak135 Posts : 54 Registered: 5/15/09
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 7:45 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Take it from one young bride to another do you want to spend the next 50 or 60 years having to battle over everything with your husband only to give into him? Sounds to me like you two have two completely different ideas about what you want in life. I think you need to SERIOUSLY think about what you are getting yourself into before you go any further with this wedding or you will be 5 or 10 years down the road and will look back and wonder "what happened to what I wanted with my life?" I know right now the idea of being married sounds all hunky dory and fun but believe me it's work and it's hard BOTH parties have got to be willing to meet in the middle and compromise and it cannot always be what he wants. You need to grow a backbone and stand firm or you will spend the rest of your life being walked all over. Believe me, I see it with my aunt and uncle where my aunt has doted n and given into all of my uncle's whims for 35 years and now that he's going through some serious health problems he is running her ragged and bouncing her back and forth around the world based on his whims and spending the money SHE has spent the last 35 years busting her ass earning. Don't be that girl that your friends say has become a shell of who they once knew because she has given up the essence of who she is for her husband for nothing in return. Stand firm on this one not only for your sake but for your family's sake. Sounds to me like you are trying to hold onto who you are as a person and you are trying to fight becoming what he wants you to be.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 9:22 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

You said you are 22, you didn't answer the questions about what you want for your future, and presumably you've got a long time ahead of you. So, do you really want to spend the next 40-50 years or so with a man who treats you the way he does? What has he done over the past 3 months that shows you that he loves you and respects you for who YOU are? (totally agree with everything kelley wrote, and even AOTB) I took my husband's name, but I wanted to and it was a non issue. He was happy, but he never pressured me. I took it because when I divorced I kept my name since my kids were little. They are grown now, and I wanted to be rid of that name and so chose, on my own, to take my husbands. but the thing is, he supported whatever decision I made. I see no evidence in your posts that this man loves or respects you the way that you deserve. You don't even sound happy, and why would you be??

good luck with your decisions about this and about him.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Kids: I don't want them, he does. I said to give me 10 years (because I'm only 22) to figure it out, and we'll go from there. We had talked about giving a son, if we had one, my name as a middle name. But I'd really rather he have the last name so that he can carry on the family name.

Yikes, Red Flag plus Red Flag. Never get married on the assumption that one of you is going to change his/her mind about something major (kids, religion, politics, finances, etc.) Agree to agree now, or find someone who's on the same page. Or, would you rather divorce ten years from now, when you split over the issue of kids? As for the name hoo-ha, you've added something that wasn't there before--that is, not only do you want to keep your own name, but you now say that you want his son (should you decide to have one) to take your family name. You also said above that your FH is quite traditional. Put all these things together and I think you're looking for trouble ahead.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 10:06 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Myra - That's what I thought at first and even more SO now!! Not a great way to start of...

 

 

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 10:11 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

oops, I didn't even notice the taking YOUR name for your son (and it'd be your son, yours AND his, not HIS)

anyway, how do you think this will work? Does he belive in 10 years you will change your mind about kids? Do you? You said you don't wan tthem, which is absolutely fine, but it is obviusly not fine with him.


 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Dear Kait,

"Kids: I don't want them, he does. I said to give me 10 years (because I'm only 22) to figure it out, and we'll go from there."

There's no "in between" here, no compromise. You can't have "half" a kid, or just be Mom and Dad 6 months out of the year.

You are 22. In 10 years you will be 32. Fertility decreases as you get older. If a woman wants to have kids, then she is best advised to start trying in her early to mid-twenties, especially if she wants a larger family.

One of my friends STARTED MENOPAUSE (no kidding) at 32. She was over and done with period and fertility in her early thirties.

When your husband figures all this out, you can bet that he will start pushing you for kids far sooner than 10 years from now. What are you going to do then, cave in? Just like you are now caving in on every aspect of wedding planning and even your own last name?

Next issue. It is common for young people to see all decisions as, somehow, reversible. If you go to the "wrong" college, you just drop out and transfer to the "right" college. You can change your major. Get the Roommate From Hell? Change rooms, kick them out, get a new apartment.

Marriage is even reversible. You can get a divorce, then go your separate ways.

You cannot reverse having a child. You cannot bear a child, then later say "Oh, this just isn't for me." You will be, at the minimum, obliged to support that child for the next 18 years if you turn the kid over to Dad and walk out of the house.

It is imperative that you and your future husband be in total agreement on the issue of children. Do you want to have children, and on what time schedule. Will you try to adopt children should you be unable to conceive bio-children? This is the "mother" of all deal-breakers.

I am living proof that even if you give birth, then immediately give the child up to a "sealed" adoption, that decision will affect the rest of your life. I was adopted as an infant. Later, in my 40s, I met my bio-parents. Both have suffered greatly from the fact they conceived a kid (me), then never knew what happened to her. The whole experience pretty much wrecked my bio-mother's life. My bio-father had a great life, with a really good wife, but as he watched his sons grow up it really bothered him that he never got to see his girl.

I agree 100% with Myra. Red flags are waving furiously here. Myra and I are about the same age and we have seen this kind of thing over and over. We know what we are talking about.


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desdemona39 Posts : 2 Registered: 12/1/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 9:40 AM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Oh, the name debate... It was very important to him that we have the same name, but I refused to change my name unless he did also. He didn't want to take my name, didn't like the idea of a new name, I wasn't fond of hyphenation, but would do it if he did, so he relented and said we'd both keep our names.... and then he came up with (in my opinion) a great compromise:

My fiancee and I are BOTH taking my last name as a middle name, and using his last name as a last name.

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ChrisandKait Posts : 14 Registered: 1/19/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 10:05 AM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Well, after a long debate, he conceded that I did have valid points in wanting to hold on to my identity, and I said that I understood that he felt emasculated. He thought that creating one unique name out of a combination of both of our names would be a good compromise - I have to agree. It's not my name out-and-out, but it's better than nothing. Plus I'm pretty sure there's no one with a name like ours.

Yes, I know about fertility loss (my mother is an OB/GYN) as women age. But I'm only 22, and I have things I want to accomplish with my life before cranking out kids. And he understands and supports that 100%. And if it gets to the point where we get so busy doing what we want to do (like starting our respective "dream" careers and travel the world) that we don't have kids, we've already considered adoption. The 10 years is more of a chance for me to get to a place where its reasonable to want/have kids. At 22?? No thanks. We'd rather just be us for a while before having to make a lifetime committment to kids.

I do appreciate the concern and the advice. But I promise, I've had a year and a half to think this marriage over (and even had the one really serious "are we sure this is the right thing right now?" talk), and I'm great with where it's heading. It was really just a matter of putting my foot down, letting my opinions be known, and not backing down (as you all said to do). I guess I did let myself get walked all over during the wedding process because it wasn't as big a deal or as important to me as it was to everyone else. And I figured, if everyone else wants a big to-do, then they can have it. I just want my husband at the end of the day, no matter how we got there.

So thanks again ladies for giving me the support I needed to stand up for myself on this issue.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

It always amazes me how a person can have a serious issue with their FH/DH and come on the boards and vent/ask for advise/Cry and then miracle of miracles they have a conversation and "Poof" problem solved. I don't buy it for one moment but whatever it is not my life.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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ChrisandKait Posts : 14 Registered: 1/19/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 10:37 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I didn't say it was solved, just that we're working towards a compromise. And yes, it can be that simple, to just talk it out and resolve it. Sometimes people just need to vent and get support. Or in your case, a healthy dose of cynicism.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

If it was so simple why was it not handled before now? But as I said, Whatever it is not my life.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

"It always amazes me how a person can have a serious issue with their FH/DH and come on the boards and vent/ask for advise/Cry and then miracle of miracles they have a conversation and "Poof" problem solved. I don't buy it for one moment but whatever it is not my life."

Yep. She's caved in on everything else so why not cave in again.

Whatever. It's not my life. I'm with you on that one.

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iloveaiden Posts : 49 Registered: 5/27/09
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 11, 2009 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

names are easily changeable and reversible. children are not. be sure this is someone you can be with for a very long time. if there is any doubt now, there maybe serious doubts in the future.
Created by Wedding Favors

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tnichelle1485 Posts : 119 Registered: 2/28/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 13, 2009 12:29 PM Go to message in response to: iloveaiden

It seems that the issue has been figured out and I am glad that you and your FH have come to a compromise...I like the idea of having a new last name that is a combo of both of your names.

My FH and I had this conversation before we even got engaged. He said that he'd love for me to take his name, but that the decision is mine. I will be hyphenating our names. I LOVE my last name. I am not trying to carry on the name or anything like that...it's just me...I don't want to lose myself in the process of marrying (not that women who take their husband's names have lost themselves...just my opinion in reference to myself).

At our wedding we will be introduced as "Mr. Alexander Lastname and Mrs. LaTosha Maidenname-Lastname."

Again, I am glad that you and your FH were able to compromise on this issue. Just remember to stand up for yourself over the course of your marriage. People will treat you the way you allow them to...

Good luck:*)
 

~We're getting married on "Loving Day!"...June 12, 2010...He asked if I'd be with him forever and of course my answer was yes

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