The Name Battle

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ChrisandKait Posts : 14 Registered: 1/19/08
The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:13 PM

Last night, my FH and I decided it was time to get cracking on filling out the DJ paperwork. We came to the "I am pleased to introduce for the first time Mr. and Mrs. ___(insert name here)___.

I had told him a year and a half ago (shortly after getting engaged) that I wanted to keep my name. My dad is the only son his parents had, and he only had me and my sister, so she and I have always said that at least one of us would try to carry on the family name.

Last night however, all of this information was conveniently forgotten, as well as his promise to think about the name change. I had asked if I could just keep my name (no), if we could both hyphenate our names (no) or if I could just hyphenate my name (no).

He's very tradtional and I'm not. I didn't want a big wedding, but I'm giving him one, because it's what he wanted. I didn't want an engagement ring, he did, now I have one. I am giving in (not even really compromising at this point) on everything that he wants, and all I want is the chance to keep my family name alive, and he's being completely unreasonable and uncompromsing.

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KPM Posts : 577 Registered: 1/20/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

If that is the way you feel about it you can stick to it. only you can decide how much you want to "comprimise" with that - after all it is your name. Though in my previous marriage I hyphenated we still were introduced as Mr and Mrs XYZ.

another idea, instead of hyphenating is to use it as your middle name. My grandmother did that in the 20's and I did it when I got married a couple of months ago. It keeps my family name - which I am the LAST of, as my father was an only child and I am an only child.

 

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CandyK Posts : 33 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

For years I had this talk with my family about keeping my name since the same thing happened in my family. For generations they had one son and then my father had three daughters. He said he was kinda sad that our family name would be left with him so we talked about one of us carrying on the name. I think it was me because I'm the oldest but since I met my fiance I've been a little on the fence about that. I love him so much and he's such a wonderful guy that a part of me really does want to take his name but a part of me wants to maybe hyphenate. That's a tough one. I know of a couple of doctors where the wife used her maiden name when it came to business matters and in the community but personally she was listed as his last name.

CandyK

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Well, its your name, he cant make you do anything you dont want to. And if hes trying to, then he sounds like kind of an Asshat to me. Sounds like you are the only one doing any sort of compromising and sacrificing in this relationship. What about your needs and desires? Are they being met? Doesnt sound that way to me. Think long and hard about the type of person who would not even listen to what you want about your own NAME. You sure you want to mary someone like this? Its not about the name, its about the lack of respect he seems to be showing you.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:47 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I have to say that when I read your post my reaction EXACTLY mirrored Kelley's.

Seems to me that he's all take and no give.

 

 

 

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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

KEEP YOUR OWN NAME!!!!

Its 2009 for goodness sake!! His manhood will not shrivel and disappear if you keep you go against this 'tradition'. Do what YOU want, he will get over it.
 

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sillymonkey Posts : 48 Registered: 4/6/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 4:24 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Keep your name if it means that much to you. If he won't budge on a compromise then perhaps he's not the right person for you. I agree with Kelly, do you want to be with someone like that for the REST of YOUR Life. But if you do keep your name what will happen with the childrens names? Will they take his? And if so then your name will only last another generation if none of your children switch their name. My fiance's sister and her husband switched their last name to her original last name. He had no attachment to his last name so he was more than willing. As for me I'm very partial to my last name and I have 2 older brothers. I have no clue why but I do. So automatically I want to keep my last name instead of taking his. My fiance would love for me to take his but he's leaving it up to me. I only have 8 weeks to decide. Bottom line.....is this a prelude to your future with him....always giving in? Sorry but it has to be said even though you really really love him

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Just one question are you having any children and if so what will their last name be? If they will have your husband's last name you father's name dies with you anyway whether it is when you marry or when you die.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Good point Kennys. My GF kept hers and they are hyphenating their kids names.

 

 

 

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 5:05 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Kennys has a good point. One of my friends had a solution to the problem, she gave all of her sons her maiden name as a middle name. That way the family name lives on and she had two brothers. For her name she hyphenated it.

My FH is not open to hyphenation and I agree with him for one reason, my name would be too long and so I am going with his. Quite frankly, it is your name, you have the right to do what ever you want. He should be willing to compromise a little about it.

Good luck.
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 6:04 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

My response was just going to be "It's your name, your choice. So don't discuss it with him any longer and do what you want."

But then I saw Kelley's response. She makes really good points. I agree with them all.

To give you some perspective, here's what happened in my case. I took my husband's name but was seriously considering keeping mine. (Hyphenating was not in my mind an option because it would've given me a 6-syllable name.) He really wanted me to take his name, would've been disappointed if I hadn't taken it and let me know that, but he also said "But it's your choice and I won't try to talk you into anything you don't want to do." That's what someone who cares about you AND WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU should be doing.

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somedaysoon Posts : 32 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

clearly you all have nicer last names than mine! i can't wait to take my fiance's, its so much nicer :)

but i have to agree with the rest of the posters. you are the one who has to live with it, you should decide how you would like to be addressed. there is a valid point with the children though, if they are going to take their father's name, then the name ends with you anyways.

good luck!

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 6:56 PM Go to message in response to: somedaysoon

It's also a good point that unless the kids are taking the name in some form that it may stop with the OP. However, it sounds like she feels strongly about keeping her name regardless of whether it ends with her kids, and her FH should respect that IMO.

Not that you or Kennys were implying he shouldn't respect that, but I don't want her to feel like just because the kids aren't taking her name that her keeping her name shouldn't be so important to her.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 7:04 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Dear Kait,

I am a woman who kept her own last name, married almost 33 years. I got married in 1976. When it comes to keeping one's own name, I am sort of an expert.

Question:

Why are you marrying someone who feels so diametrically opposed to something that is meaningful to you? And, you say, this is not the only serious compromise.

"I am giving in (not even really compromising at this point) on everything that he wants, and all I want is the chance to keep my family name alive, and he's being completely unreasonable and uncompromsing."

You are giving in on EVERYTHING else. Why would he expect you to stand up for anything of your own after all this? He's used to getting his own way. He will continue, into the future, to expect to get his own way. Either get used to that fact of life or rethink the wisdom of marrying this guy.

When I talked with my then-boyfriend about keeping my name, he thought about it for about a nanosecond, then said "Sure, why not?". It was a non-issue. We have had bigger battles over dishes in the sink than my last name. We have, literally, never fought not even once about the idea of me keeping my own last name.

I tell you this from experience. You really need your husband's full support if you want to take this path. Dozens and dozens of times my husband has had to step in and politely correct people who, in good faith, get my name wrong. If a man really wants his wife to change her name, and the couple are arguing about it, do you think this guy will EVER correct anyone who gets it wrong? Be prepared to show up for company parties and find a name tag with "Marge Simpson" on it, instead of "Marge Bouvier". Be prepared for him to introduce you to people as "Marge Simpson". When you mumble "It's actually Marge Bouvier...", be prepared for him to correct you in front of everyone.


****

Other people asked about children's names.

Our original intention was to name any boys with their father's surname and any girls with my surname. As it happened, we only had boys (twins), so they both got their father's last name.

That worked for us. I know of other couples who just name all the children with their father's surname, figuring the kids are named as any other kids.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: The Name Battle
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

I have mixed feelings about this. I have friends who have kept their own names--actually, one friend kept the name of her ex-husband when she remarried. It's her kids' last name and she had used it professionally for years, so it made sense to her to keep it. I have other friends who use their own maiden names professionally, but their husbands' names personally (it's nice for them, because outside of work, nobody associates them with their husband's name--good for privacy). I was thrilled to drop my ex-husband's last name when I remarried, so again, not an issue. If I had chosen to return to my maiden name, I expect that my husband would have had no problem with it. My favorite choice in your situation would be to use the last name as a middle name, like Hillary Rodham Clinton. It's not hyphenated, but she always uses both names. As for whether or not your fiance is too controlling (or you are too passive), that's something you'll have to answer for yourself.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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