Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....

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Guest
Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 1:39 PM

So apparantly I am not the only Fatherless bride on the forums...Relieving but so sad.

Its upsetting to know that my father will not be walking me down isle...I had the conversation with him 5 months ago when I became engaged and we havent spoken since. We spoke occasionally before that, but never formed a relationship. (he is selfish, greedy, only does things for himself, disrespects my mother, my fiance, my fiance's family, and is down right scum in my eyes)..
I am very close to my two brothers who will be escorting me down the isle if they are home from their deployment in time. If not, I will be walking down with my Mom.

The question is....Do I invite my father and put him in the back?

I have a huge heart and I feel bad for the asshole. He is already heartbroken that he isnt walking me down (he said "I DESERVE that right!") lmao. and we havent spoken since because he is so hurt. I could care less because I feel he gave that right up a long time ago and that is MY DAY and I refuse to go back on that. But do I put him on the guest list? Do I want him sitting in the crowd sulking and throwing a pity party because he is not being recognized? Do I invite him and let him realize what a great person I turned out to be despite his every effort to ruin me. The fact that I can have a happy, healthy life with a fantastic man even though he was the worse example of a relationship.

I like my stepmother, and I would feel terrible if she was not invited, but if I invite her, I have to invite him. Do i hurt her feelings and not invite them, or invite both and pray they dont show up?

Sorry, kinda long....just a touchy subject..

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Here's how i feel:

1. If you think even at ALL that he will cause drama or be mean and hateful at your wedding, don't invite him.

2. If however you think he'll maintain the peace and just kind of be invisible, it would be good to invite him for your stepmom's sake.

I don't know how much that helps, but...that's what I think. Good luck!

P.S. I love your dress in the new userpic!
My Planning Blog

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 1:56 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Just noticed, your wedding is 2 years away, so my best advice is don't decide now. You have plenty of time to see how he behaves over the next two years. Plenty. Then, decide based on that.



Think about what you want and what you need. do you need to know you tried? And then let him turn down teh invite, do you easily feel guilty (even though you did nothing wrong, I had a tendency to be super easily guilted by my parents) try hard NOT to fall into that trap.

do you want your stepmom there and would you feel bad if you didn't invite her? And, if you did and they came, do you really think he would act out or just be quiet? Because if it's the latter, you probably won't even notice to be honest. Way too much going on that day tonotice unless you think he'll actually pitch a fit or cause a scene.

With my dad, I tried hard just not to talk with him at all, and not to say anything just purposely to be hurtful (and you haven't done that, not letting him force you into his walking you down the aisle is ENTIRELY reasonable) and when the time came that he wanted a relationship with me (I was 35 by that time) he had to do all the work. He called me about 10 times before I even answered the phone, left lengthy voice mails, and I listened. I wasn't mean, but he had to show me he really did want a relationship because always before he would revert back.

Anyway, it's your and FH's day and you two are the ones who'll share the memories, the photos, the day for your lifetimes. Try to think about what, exactly, you would be most satisfied doing for yourself on that day, and then do that. No matter how dad feels cause that isn't your problem, he is the adult and the parent and you owe nothing.

I can say that my daughter's sperm donor did not act up at her wedding, and I was very worried about that. He and his wife drink a LOT and are pretty loud and obnoxious. (they are 40 but still behave as if they are in junior high most of the time) He showed up in jeans and a tshirt, but didn't act out. No contact with her before, and none after. She had my brother walk her down the aisle and me as a BM. Not her sperm donor. So he sat in with all the other guests, not up in the front with the families. She did allow the men in her life to share in the father daughter dance, but she started off with my husband, her uncle (my brother) , THEN sperm donor and then my son. Since the wedding, he's stopped talking iwth her too. The only awkward moment really was when sperm donor's wife suggested to me that my daughter give them her wedding dress (that I bought for her) so that her daughter can wear it one day. I did not relay the message and simply said when the time comes T (daughter) will choose what she does or does not do with her dress and I'm not bringing this up to her today.

good luck with your thoughts, it's a tough choice for anyone making it. I know.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People



Edited by: cyndi33 on Jun 9, 2009 12:04 PM

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Guest
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 2:11 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi- your x's wife asked you for your daughters wedding dress?!? wtf?
What would make her think that a BRIDe is going to give someone HER wedding gown? omg that is just ludicrous! ahha

wow!

wedding website

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Guest
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Chels- The dress is from Cache'. Was only $90. I LOVE IT. and it so comfortable.
Thanks for the comment =)

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

They are quite a trip. And the even weirder thing is: I never married him, I never saw him again after about 1987 UNTIL the wedding. His wife found me on line, contacted me, and then they contacted my daughter. They are just unreal, but they did not cause a scene at the wedding/reception itself. It was super weird for me for awhile (particularly since my husband was, back in HS, best friends with the sperm donor and we all hung out, etc) I met up with my now husband about the time of my 20th year reunion, and we have been together since but never dated way back when. He isn't friends with donor any longer, tried once but ended up having to leave and stay in a hotel cause donor got drunk and in huge fight with wife, and so DH went to hotel then came back home.

(this was before me though, andDH never knew that donor just abandoned, completely, his daughter. No contact, no support, no nothing until last year...AFTER she was an adult and I think, just to make a show in public at the party. DH really cannot understand that, he is divorced but religiously pays support, has the kids regularly and extra when given permission, and we go to school functions, etc. He just can't fathom it and neither can I, but unfortunately it's all too common.)

Anyway, I could not believe when she asked for the dress. Holy crap.

But, at least donor didn't cause a scene and for once in his life did some tiny thing for my daughter.

good luck with whatever you decide, but take some time, see how he behaves, maybe he'll grow up and realize he didn't earn the walking you down the aisle privilege, cause that's what it is. Truthfully, if my dad would have been alive, would have been a tough choice for me even at like 38. Would of been tough to pick between my brother and dad. (brother and I are very close, always ahve been, talk on the phone about once a week, etc, about pretty much everything) Had my grandpa been alive, would have been no contest at all, it would have been him. He raised me, he and my grandma.

OH YA, and my daughter isn't the only daughter he abandoned. He has another one that's a year younger, and he has pretty much nothing to do with her either. And then the 3 he has with his wife now.

the only nice thing I can say is, he did show up (and I was SUPER worried he'd be a no show) and she had a few hours of him sorta acting like a parent. He also complimented me on parenting (privately, and that was decent but awkward)

Later, I found out that he and wife have been telling my daughter that I forbade him from seeing her, and kept her hidden. I am just waiting it out, because he is so totally full of crap but telling her that doesn't do anything positive. I did let him have it, privately, and I guess really karma (which I do believe in) will be there for him someday.

wow, that got really long!!! So anyway, I understand how tough it is, both on the daughter level and on the mom level, so take your time and do waht you think is best for you in the end.


 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dear Mrs C,

As one of the PP said, two years is a long time from now. It's good to start making plans, but you don't have to make a final decision for a while, now. See what happens with your father between now and then.

Since you like your step--mom, it would be a pity not to invite her. My suggestion is this, assuming nothing changes radically between now and when the invitations go out.

Go ahead and invite your father and step-mom. Seat them somewhere in the congregation.

Talk to a few of your muscular, tall, intimidating friends. (You know - the guy they call "Tiny".) Tell these guys of your situation, then ask them to haul his ass out if he starts getting out of line.

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Guest
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 9:29 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB- I honestly dont think anything will change before the wedding. I didnt speak to him from the time I was 13 until I was 18 and that lasted only a few months. Then i didnt talk to him again until last year. (5 yrs.) I honestly have no reason for him to be in my life. I never needed him before, so why start now?

I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to strike up a relationship and put the past in the past, he shows me why I hate him so much. He really is just scum. I try so hard to forget everything he has done and just be the bigger person and let it go, to just get slapped in the face. i dont even think he deserves a plate at my wedding. Considering the fact that I have to pay for it. What the F* has he ever paid or given to me besides tears and heartache. I guess Ill have to see how I feel when the invites go out next year. Doubtful he will have an opiphany(spelling?) and act like a father.

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Edited by: MrsCox2B on Jun 9, 2009 9:29 PM

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KimberlyDonn Posts : 26 Registered: 9/8/08
Re: Sperm Donor- To invite, not invite....
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This man never fed you, never paid for any of your living expenses, never participated, never provided a shoulder, and continues to do just that even today. It seems to me he just wants the attention, 'hey look at me, I'm her father' in front of all your guests and your family. He hasn't been there for you, and you are not obligated to be there for him. You may like your step mom, but if it came down to you or him... who do you think she'd choose? Don't use guilt to force you to do something you really don't want to do. You've still got some time. Maybe you could write a list of pros and cons; read it out loud, and then have a deeper understanding of your feelings (there's just something about reading it outloud that makes it more real). It's your choice, and you are under no obligation to invite anyone.

Kim

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