Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Some additional thoughts:

1. I don't think as a mother I would pay for two plane tickets to fly my children across the united states for a wedding they probably won't remember mostly anyway.

2. I definitely without a doubt 100% think that the bride should at least make an attempt to have an on-premise sitter. If the kids were in a different room, with a reliable sitter, she could even buy them pizza (something they would more likely eat) and it would still be economical.

As it stands, the bride has not yet offered those things. I don't think she has handled it well, but the bottom line is that far more etiquette was breached by writing the children in the rsvp, and by then assuming that her children were the "exception" to the rule (which is not an etiquette breach so much as it's just rude and a little self-righteous).

Also, to AOTB,
Unfortunately, you and I being children who were taught to be quiet and sweet in church, are the minority. I certainly attended a few weddings as a child (mostly because I was IN them), but I was the exception--I was the child that, like you, was raised in church twice a week, and I had the fear of God and my Father in me if I ever misbehaved. I hate to sound like an old fart already at 24, but a lot of kids these days really don't have that kind of teaching. Just two weeks ago, my mom attended a wedding in which she said a young boy climbed up to the piano and was banging on keys during the service. Apparently the mother thought it was funny and didn't bother to retrieve her son. He then proceeded to run up and down the aisle AND talk during prayer. Had I been the bride, I would have been very near tempted to break his precious little arms.

That last bit is an exaggeration, but not by much.

Also, you mentioned that your parents had opportunities to have adult dress up nights. I think that largely due to cultural and geographical areas, many of us do NOT have adult dress up nights. I can't remember the last time I dressed up. It must have been senior prom, six years ago. Point being, some of us don't have that luxury often, so when we do, we don't want to deal with screaming children, sticky fingers on our fine gowns, and all sorts of other unpleasantness that parents are used to but we childless bunch are not. I think sometimes parents forget what it was like before children.
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

See I understand that the writing in is an etiquette breach BUT I don't agree that that was the worst thing that happened.

Personally if I was screamed at for telling someone I'd be unable to make their wedding and then they went and 'tattled' on me to our father who in turn calls me up and bitches me out - I would tell them F you and your wedding - have a great life. EDIT: I'd probably not say that in so many words, but I'd sure as hell be thinking it and when I called my GF to rant, that's what I'd be saying.

But I tend to be bitchy. I'm not taking that BS from anyone - sister, brother, mother, father.

A breach in etiquette fine - not EVERYONE is taught proper etiquette.

Apparently not everyone is taught good manners either.

And honestly, I didn't know A LOT of wedding etiquette until I got married. But I always had decent manners. EDIT: But if someone comes at me enough, my manners are gone and the Jersey girl takes over.

Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Jun 9, 2009 9:44 PM


aelrod Posts : 92 Registered: 12/5/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: confusedsister

Confused, I am very sorry to hear about your husband.

I am with you in that I have never been to, nor heard of a wedding without kids until I joined this forum. While I respect that some women choose not to include children at their wedding, it is not something that I could ever do. To me, a wedding is about sharing the joys of life with your family, including children. I guess that I just wouldn't have a wedding that is not appropriate for kids because it would probably just wouldn't be fun for us! We do not drink, so we are not serving drinks. We do not dress scandilously, so why would we that day? I love to interact with children, and probably would not attend a wedding IN TOWN without my (future) children, much less accross the country. I cannot wait to see the children that are invited to my wedding, they are going to be part of the best day of my life. (BTW I am in school to be a Kindergarten teacher, can you tell? LOL)

But, I am also not the type to throw a raving fit about it being "My day to shine" or whatever. It is not just about me, that is why FH is going to bother to show up!

I think that your sister did not behave in a way that shows grace or elegance, but I also think that she did not "breach" etiquette.

Good Luck!

July 17, 2010.



starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 9, 2009 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: aelrod

I don't like that people treat not wanting kids at a wedding as the same as not liking kids.  I was a teacher and I loved it (I changed careers for reasons that have nothing to do with the kids).  Currently, I teach 7th grade Hebrew school (same as Christian Sunday school)  and love it.  I love children.  However, I really would prefer they not be at my wedding.  Please stop mistaking a dislike of kids with a desire to not have children at ones wedding.  One has nothing to do with the other.  

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jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 4:18 AM Go to message in response to: confusedsister

I think your sister blowing up at you was completely out of line, however, I have to agree with some of the other posters in that she wasn't doing anything wrong in wanting an "adult only" reception. I would see if she knows a reliable babysitter. I can understand not wanting to leave your kids with "just anyone", but this is a special circumstance, and it is only for a few hours. Maybe you can go to the ceremony and then sneak away for a bit to check in on your kids before heading to the reception? If your sister can recommend someone a friend of hers uses regularly, maybe you can feel more comfortable knowing for sure the sitter is responsible? Or, some daycare centers do daily drop-in care. Those are usually staffed by fully licensed, mostly college educated, professionals. However, something like that may take a bit more research, and a bit of paperwork.

You mentioned that you couldn't understand how she can claim to be close to her niece and nephew and still not allow them at the reception. I absolutely adore my three nieces. They are the cutest, sweetest girls and while I love spending time with them whenever I can, they will not be at my wedding. It's not because I don't like children, or I don't love my nieces, it is because I have a huge family, and I can't accommodate all the kids that come along with my family.

Also, I completely agree with Starfish. I planned on becoming a teacher (and now want to work in education policy). I worked as a tutor, I've been a nanny for two families, and I did two years of student teaching. I teach Sunday school, and I volunteer with a children's chorus. I've worked for the past three and a half years for the New York City Department of Education. I love kids, but I'm not having them at my wedding.


hereforthecake Posts : 3 Registered: 6/21/06
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 6:28 AM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

Don't feel bad for one second. Your sister is being rediculous! She is acting like a spoiled little brat and getting everyone to believe she is the victim here. Don't feel bad for not going. It's her loss not yours. I would have done the same thing.
You need to tell her that you're sorry she is not an understanding person. But you are doing what is best for your family. And if that isn't good enough, she can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
I assume you're military. From one military wife to another, I am truly sorry for your loss. God Bless you.


This to shall pass.


CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

Hi, I personally think it's unfair to not invite children to a wedding. At the end of the day they're part of the family. Our family is tight-knit, and when we went venue shopping one of the things on the list we queries was the facility of an on-site creche. The venue we eventually booked as a medium sized room (creche) with big soft couches, TV and DVD player. We're having 2 babysitters on site for the night, a special menue for the kids, which worked out about 20 % of the cost for the normal guests, we'll have nice treats for them and lots of things to keep them entertained.

The bonus, the cresche is right next to the reception hall, so the moms can pop in now and again to make sure that they're alright, but my friends/family with children has told me they're so glad there's a creche, for one night they could just enjoy our wedding safely knowing their children are taken care of.

Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 8:11 AM Go to message in response to: confusedsister

There are two issues, and you are EACH wrong about ONE of them.

1. There are perfectly legitimate reasons to enact a 'no kids' rule. And no kids, btw, means NO KIDS, even your kids. Period, end of story, there are no exceptions. She lets you bring yours, then someone else starts complaining about "Well SHE got to bring hers" and yadda yadda yadda. It gets old. See, regardless of whether your kids are well behaved or not, invariably, EVERYONE who is family thinks "surely, this does not apply to MY darling dearests!" and guess what... you're WRONG. It does. Unless she specifically says "I'd like Nephew to be the Ring Bearer and Niece to be the Flower Girl," your kids are not invited. You are included in the No Kids Allowed situation. I don't really care if YOU think it is ludicrous. It's possible that she's read one too many horror story about Little Johnny running wild at the reception because Mommy felt like she was not on the clok, and destroying the cake/food table/brides dress/etc. It's possible she knows a lot of people whe behave as if going out of their house relieves them of their parental obligations. Whatever the reason, she and her fiance have declared no kids. BTW....for my wedding, it's no kids under 13.

2. Your sister (and father) has to accept that when she enacts a 'no kids' rule, there are people who will not be able to attend for that reason, and there are people who will REFUSE to attend for that reason. And they should be perfectly gracious and understanding. I am sorry, but it is RIDICULOUS for them to expect you to just "leave the kids in NC for four days" Okay... where? At the vets? Do they have a place where you can board kids for the weekend? Or are you supposed to magically know lots of people who a) you trust and b) are willing to take your kids for four days.

There are two obvious solutions to make you be able to come.

1. Make the niece and nephew Ring Bearer / Flower Girl. Granted, she may not be planning on having those. If that is not the case, then that's out.

2. You come, with the kids, and she and the grandparents find someone who can watch the kids during the wedding/reception. Maybe they are not invited to the event, but surely, they should be able to come to visit!

However, if she's not willing to do option 1 or 2, then she's SOL about your being there, because you cannot leave your kids for 4 days just for her.



kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 9:39 AM Go to message in response to: CoutureBride27

I don't see why it would be unfair for someone not to invite kids to their wedding it is after their wedding. Is it unfair for someone not to invite other people for whatever their reasons? No not at all. You are not inviting the mailman, or the cable guy or the lady who works down the hall from you is that fair?

A person invites who they want to attend their wedding period. Whoever that may be. There is no rule that says you need to invite kids, or dogs, or monkeys. It is choice of the hosts who makes the guest list.

Good for you that you want you family children to attend. I didn't we are going to a wedding this weekend and my son was invited and he will not be attending, why because I don't feel it is where he belongs. It is a family wedding and guess what no one is bringing their children even if they were invited.

Next week we are going to a wedding and our son was not invited and I was not the least bit offended. I was thrilled that we were getting yet another night to spend as a couple. Our lives revolve around our children but I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way about them as we do. I know I don't feel the same about others children as they do.




Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: sillymonkey

I am sort of new to this whole planning process and I noticed that a lot of people think that children will "steal their thunder" on their wedding day. Do people seriously think that children steal the spotlight? I have a hard time seeing this as an excuse to not invite children.... if that is true then the bride is just a spoiled brat.

I'm having a destination wedding and for that reason we are not having children present...just a few close friends and family (like a total of 10 ppl). I would think the only other reason not to invite children is budget issues and the presence of alcohol....but stealing the spotlight is just ridiculous.


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 10:37 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Cat - That is EXACTLY it. Ihave NO probelms with my party, my rules. But then you HAVE to know that those rules may have consequences and you have to accept that.





starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 10:44 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Who is it unfair to? The kids? Kids under 5 probably wont even remeber the wedding. I went to a few when I was young and only have very vague memories of them. Its not as if not being invited will scare them for life so how is it unfair?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: His4life

I think it boils down to the fact that brides don't realize all the things they will NOT notice on their wedding day. All these little things brides flip out about....favors, invitations, kids, colors of dresses/sashes, guests that show and don't--I promise YOU do not notice. Sure you think "OMG so and so's kid is going to start flipping out and OMG it will ruin EVERYTHING for ME." You won't know whats going on. You should be more focused on GETTING MARRIED, rather than worrying about every minor detail. I would think that a parent would know to walk their kid out of church if he/she starts getting upset. I mean that happens every Sunday I go to church anyway. Of course you don't realize these things until you actually go through your own wedding, but this is something I remind all my friends who are getting married and are having heart attacks over the small stuff. And I had my fair share of heart attacks, but at the end of the day (I hate that phrase, sorry) NONE of it will have mattered except for the fact that you are married now. Take a second to look at the bigger picture.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em


triciam Posts : 128 Registered: 2/19/09
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

For those who are misinterpreting it as not liking kids it is totally not true. My fiance and I love kids but feel that an evening reception is not the place for children. I've been upfront from the start with my family regarding their children. As I said before I am happy to provide child care for my out of towners (I am a HS Counselor so finding a sitter is easy!) This is how I phrased it on my site:

"We love kids but we also want the parents to have a carefree night! We would prefer to have an adult only reception and will be providing child care for those who request it. Please let us know and we will be sure to have someone fun and qualified to watch your little pride of joy :)"

Confused- I do think it is wrong that your sister is not offering you some sort of options to bring your kids with you. I do think it is ok for her to ask that your kids are not at the reception but she should offer up some sort of babysitter or at least some names.


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Hurt & Upset Wedding Guest
Posted: Jun 10, 2009 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Dear Chels,

You took the words right out of my mouth. I agree with you 100%.

"I was the child that, like you, was raised in church twice a week, and I had the fear of God and my Father in me if I ever misbehaved. "

My dear, loving mother would "thump" my on the shoulder if I started giggling or whispering. (That's where you put your index finger behind your thumb, then let it go. It was enough to get my attention, but did not hurt.)

To this day, I cannot see others chat in church without thinking of my dear loving mother and those "thumps". Do I say anything to them? No. But, I personally believe in sitting quietly and paying attention while in church.

" I hate to sound like an old fart already at 24, but a lot of kids these days really don't have that kind of teaching. "

We are both old farts, then. You are absolutely right, a lot of kids don't get that kind of training and it's a darn shame. I see them at Christmas and Easter, which are the times that people who "never" go to church go to church. Their kids are hopeless. They have no clue as to how to behave. I compare them to the kids who go to church regularly, and there's a huge difference in behavior.

Expanding on that: When I go to business meetings, I see those same people, now grown up. There are people at the meetings with the attention span of a flea, fidgeting and horsing around. Then, there are those with the self-discipline and courtesy to sit quietly and listen, giving the presenter their full attention. Guess who looks better in the eyes of The Boss at promotion and raise time?

I've talked about this when I am a guest speaker at the various church youth programs and Sunday School. There's more to church attendance than just religion. It's great training for Life.

"Also, you mentioned that your parents had opportunities to have adult dress up nights. I think that largely due to cultural and geographical areas, many of us do NOT have adult dress up nights."

Yes, true. Have you ever watched Mad Men, the cable TV series? It's set in the early 1960s, when I would have been about 8-10. The adults in Mad Men party exactly like my parents did: fancy night clubs, tuxedos, cocktail dresses, ball gowns, expensive perfume and slicked back hair. Those days are gone. Go to a night club, now, and you'll see torn jeans, armpit hair and belly buttons.

This makes me wonder why people who spend almost every waking moment in "casual" clothes suddently want a formal wedding. Formal weddings, as we know them today, originated when people went out of the house dressed formally al the time - opera, debutante balls, etc. The high school formal dance (ie prom) was invented so that young people could experience a taste of their future social life in an alcohol-free, chaperoned environment.

Now, the ONLY times anyone dresses formally is for the prom or when a member of a wedding party.

Everyone can certainly do what they want. If the couple wants a formal wedding, then by all means go for it. But I think it's worth taking a few minutes to consider the alternative of having a wedding that is more in line with the way the person lives the other 364 days of the year.

"Just two weeks ago, my mom attended a wedding in which she said a young boy climbed up to the piano and was banging on keys during the service."

I, too, would have been tempted to do bodily harm on not only the kid but the idiot parents. I would resist that evil temptation, but I can't say resistance would be easy.

On the other hand, a lot of people forget that the officiant is in charge of the ceremony. I'm wondering what the officiant was doing while the kid was attempting Beethoven's Fifth on the piano. In my church, our vicar would have stopped the ceremony, then said "I need the parent of this child to control him" or something like that. Once the kid was removed from the piano and, perhaps, taken outside to cool down, the vicar would have continued.

They teach that kind of thing in Priest School. What do do with unruly kids during a worship service. You can preach over them, but eventually if the kid is really disruptive you ask the parents to take control, then wait for that to happen. If it shames the parents, then so be it.


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