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feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...

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SarahsFairytale Posts : 28 Registered: 9/24/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 4, 2009 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: bride4life

I am 21 in two months and he is 22, meaning if we got married in about 2 years, I'd be 23 and he'd be 24/25. I realize a lot of people are very against marriage at pretty much any age under 30. I've been looking around here for long enough to know how most people feel about the younger engaged couples and I still have to say that for the most part, age itself never has and still doesn't bother me.

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bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 4, 2009 11:26 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

I am not saying anything bad about being young. I was engaged at 24 and married at 25 (Dh 25 engaged and 26 married) (I actually think mid twenties is a wonderful time to be married) However, I was finished with college and working full time and could support myself and he had a full time job and his own place and car. (health benefits..etc etc) We were both strong independent people who fell in love and now have a strong marriage and I can't tell you how wonderful that is.....I am just really afraid that if you get married soon and you support him (your going to be a nurse..right?) You might develop a mother/child relationship and you don't want that. He does need to feel like a man.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 5, 2009 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

I realize a lot of people are very against marriage at pretty much any age under 30.

Huh? A lot of people on these boards are in their 20s.

Anyway, I also advised the OP not to get married now, but my advice has nothing to do with her age. If she was 21 and both she and her FH had great jobs and could support themselves, I think that's fine. Personally, I did not want to get married when I was that young, but as long as the couple can support themselves, I don't have any problems with people getting married young. It's not my thing, but fine.

Also, I think that 'marrying young' is a relative term. In some areas of the country, it's normal to get married in your early 20s, but in other parts of the country, that's simply unheard of. I don't know anybody in real life (of my generation) who got married under the age of 26 or 27, so when I first came to these boards, engaged at age 26, I was shocked that I DIDN'T fit into the 'young bride' category. I sure considered myself to be a young bride, getting married at 27.

But now I know that it's a geographic thing - and like I said, I don't have any problems with young couples getting married, provided that they can support themselves. If they CAN'T support themselves, like the OP's BF, I don't think they have any business getting married - but I'd say the same thing to a 30-year old, a 40-year old, or a 50-year old who couldn't support him/herself. The issue just comes up more often with young couples, since they lack experience and are more often unable to support themselves than older couples. My opinion on the matter doesn't have anything to do with the OP's age.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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SarahsFairytale Posts : 28 Registered: 9/24/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 5, 2009 6:17 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I realize most people here are in their 20s...I guess I exaggerated. But you have to admit, more and more people are in the mindset that because THEY were a certain age when they got married, then that's what everyone else wants.

anyway, I understand what you mean about the mother/child thing. that was one of the things in the back of my mind adding to the stress I felt about our relationship and future. I guess time will tell how things work out. I will not give him an ultimatum or a timeline, but I can't say that I won't actually have one in MY mind.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 6, 2009 7:15 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

But you have to admit, more and more people are in the mindset that
because THEY were a certain age when they got married, then that's what
everyone else wants.

I don't think that's true. I do, however, think that we all have our own ideas of what 'ready for marriage' means. For some people, it simply means that they're in love enough to want to spend their lives together - and they'll figure out the rest later. For others, it means being done with school and supporting themselves. For others, it means getting to a certain age.

Personally, it meant reaching a certain career goal. I sometimes have a hard time relating to people who get married very young, simply because their life goals are drastically different than mine. I don't think that their choice is right or wrong - there are advantages and disadvantages of getting married at any age. For me, late 20s was right. It gave me time to meet the goal I wanted to meet, I got to enjoy life as an unmarried adult (and love my hubby though I do, I sure miss living alone!), I feel like I have enough life experience not to be super-naive, but I'm still young enough that I don't want to start a family for another few years, so I can enjoy a few child-free married years with DH.

I understand that my life priorities are pretty different than the general crowd that tends to get married in their early 20s, and that's fine. I don't think they're wrong - they're just different people than me with different life priorities and interests.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,057 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 6, 2009 7:50 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

i would put the relationship on the backburner and focus on yourself. if it is meant to work out it will but i would not put a ton of energy into trying to make it something that it is not. he needs to do the work, you can be there as a support but he is going to have to make the change himself. i would not worry about making a commitment to him anytime soon. he is not in the right place to start a life together. there is nothing wrong with you putting yourself first. it does not mean that you don't love him. even if things do not end up working out. know that you deserve the best and sticking with him even in times when he is holding you back won't prove that you love him any more.

you seem to have a good heart and you are a caring person, sorry to hear what you are going through.

november_2007 , ohio
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 7, 2009 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

Dear Sarah,

I have read this entire thread.

Lots of people have been in the same position. They had a boyfriend, brother, friend, who was depressed and unmotivated.

Sometimes the guy turns himself around, sometimes he does not.

If your guy manages to get himself out of his rut and if you stick with him through the process, then great, it is very possible the two of you might have a solid bond and a happy marriage is in your future.

On the other hand, if he never manages to get himself together, you could spend years and years of your life with a ball-and-chain boyfriend around your ankle. You will get a good job, you will be "out" in the world doing the kinds of exciting things people do in their mid-20s while he is perpetually parked on Mom's Couch feeling sorry for himself.

(I broke up with a boyfriend, years ago, in a similar situation. I, later, put his name in Google and found court-ordered psychiatric evaluations. Wow.)

Now, here is my suggestion. Take some time to be by yourself and think of a small goal that would be possible for him to accomplish. It need not be huge; just something that means he's moving forward.

Once you have this goal in your own mind, talk to your boyfriend about this one "doable" goal. Then, sit back and see what happens. Does he move towards the goal? Does he accomplish it? Or, is it back to Mom's Couch and self-pity?

If he accomplishes that one goal, then encourage him to move to the next goal.

A year or two from now, ask yourself if you see him moving from "doable" goal to "doable" goal. If so, then stick with him. If not, then ask yourself if you want to continue pouring your own energy and time down a bottomless pit.

One "doable" goal occurs to me for your consideration. There's bound to be someone, somewhere, perhaps an elderly person, who might have a spare car and needs jobs done around the house. See if he can find such a person and offer to trade use of the car for various jobs. I'm thinking, right now, of my own MIL who is 82 years old and has a cast on her arm from a broken wrist. Such a person might be very glad for a nice young man to drive her to the grocery store and help her carry in and put away the groceries. Then, he could have the use of her car the rest of the day, and use that in his job search.

How to find such a person? Ask all your parents' friends and phone various churches and assisted living homes to see if there is someone who might be willing to barter services like that.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 7, 2009 9:54 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

Sarah, lots of women on here have given good advice or personal stories. I don't think that anyone on here hates young brides just based on age. It has to do with that person's mindset. Take for instance my 21 year old family member, Jessica. I always had such high hopes for her. When we were growing up it was like "me and my shadow." I'm 6 years her senior.

Jessica is smart, funny, and pretty. However, she had really strict parents. She couldn't have boyfriends, stay out past 10pm EVER. What a friggin' nightmare for a teenager!!! So, when she got out of HS, she did enter college. Then she met her now husband, Derrick. She fell in love, quit school, moved in with him at his parents house, got married, and is now 3 months from delivering a baby. NO JOB FOR EITHER OF THEM, NO HOME, NOTHING! Those are the kind of people that get hounded on these boards for getting married at 20.

Back to your situation, I like Aunt's idea of giving him small goals to work towards. Men get very overwhelmed with LOTS of tasks all at once. If I leave DH a list of 10 things to do, none of them are done. If I give him a list of 1 or 2 things, everything gets done! Make sure your FH is making progress. So what if he gets a $500 car! Those will work just fine as long as you fix them. Why isn't he fixing them? Why isn't he working towards doing good things for himself? Art mentioned her DH's depression. Have him look into that. Depression/chemical imbalance doesn't make him crazy.....just untreated.

Ultimatiums are reasonable. You just have to follow through on them. I told DH I didn't want to date more than 3 years without knowing if we were going to get married or just domestically married. He proposed 3 weeks after our 3 year anniversary. I told him I wanted him to work on his credit. He didn't have bad debt, just had never established credit. He got two credit cards and manages his credit well. He's accomplishing every goal he sets for himself, regardless of size. I wish your FH the best of luck accomplishing what he wants to do!

wedding ticker

Wedding pics at www.mywedding.com/robertandginger

 

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SarahsFairytale Posts : 28 Registered: 9/24/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 7, 2009 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

thanks again for everyone's input. i appreciate the support and advice, and i also like the idea of small goals. to those who have said that i should probably leave the relationship or not commit, well..admittedly that's not what i wanted to hear, but i didn't come to a bridal site message board to hear sugar-coated opinions..so thanks for your honesty. and after 3 years of being with someone...i pretty much AM committed at this point or i probably would not have stayed thus far. anyway...this is all still a work in progress. i will update with any news or changes.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 7, 2009 11:45 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

But, Sarah,

There's also a point where you might need to cut your losses.

It would be great if he reaches out for small goals, but do you want to be married to a 40-year old who is still unemployed and "getting his act together"?

Give this some thought. You are still young and have plenty of time to see how things work out with your present boyfriend. You also have time to meet some new boyfriend should you decide things are not working out with the one you have.

Off the top of my head, I'd say give it a year (or so). Don't make any final decisions until June 2010.

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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: feeling bad for him but i don't even know anymore...
Posted: Jun 8, 2009 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: SarahsFairytale

I was in the same predicament last year! My fiance lost his job one month after he proposed! It was a rough patch in our relationship, but we were both determined to get through. And we did. It wasn't easy, but we got through it together.

I say if you see that he is trying to do better, then stick with him. Everyone goes through trying times in their lives and it may not be fair to just kick him to the curb because he is at a low point in his life.

Now, if he is not doing anything to better himself, and is constantly feeling sorry for himself, and is jealous of you because you are doing well, then yes, kick his ass to the curb!!!!

Good luck!!


 

september_2008 , georgia
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