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Our Mothers hate each other.

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 6:27 PM

Our mothers hate each other. We had a dinner to get to know each other and it was horrible. Mother and Derrick's mother truly hate each other. I don't know what I am going to do. I had hoped to have them work together to plan the wedding, but I don't see that happening. If we are not careful they will kill each other.

How can I get them to at least be civil to each other so that we can plan our wedding?
Daddy's Little Girl

april_2010 , rhode_island
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April2010Bride Posts : 134 Registered: 4/26/09
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

So, I'm not sure how my FMIL feels about my mom, but I know my mom cannot stand her. It was everything my mom could do to keep her cool at my dress consultation last month. I'm just going to have to keep them separated. I will still need the help of each of them, but I have accepted the fact that it won't be the result of them working "together". :)

It's not a really big deal to me, except for the details surrounding the reception food. We are catering it ourselves, and FMIL is part of a catering business, so she has all the dishes, trays, and serving utensils, in addition to the knowledge and experience. My mother and grandmother will definitely want to help, and I absolutely want them to help, so that might present a small problem. I will probably have to end up splitting the preparation list between the two sides. I don't know what else I could do. I do know that I cannot make them like each other.

Good luck, girl!

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april_2010 , south_carolina , rhode_island
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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

I had hoped to have them work together to plan the wedding, but I don't see that happening.

Well, as you've said, that's not happening! As I remember, you're spending big bucks on your wedding. Have you thought about hiring a wedding planner? Takes the pressure off of you and off of them. Then, all they have to do is show up (and pay, of course). Traditionally, the bride (and her mother, if she wishes) plan the wedding. The rehearsal dinner is the province of the groom's family. This might work in your circumstances, as they each have their separate areas of "authority" and finances. As to places where you might need cooperation, such as coordinating their outfits, I'd suggest that you, as the bride, set some parameters and then leave them alone.You need to demand that your mother act civil in social situations, and your FH needs to demand the same of his mother. Beyond that, let them hate each other if they want. I doubt that you can do anything to change it.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

april_2010 , rhode_island
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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 8:58 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

wow that sucks. Why do they hate each other so much? What happened? Myras advice is great, as usual, I just have a morbid curiosity to hear more about all this family dysfunction lol.

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october_2006 , april_2010 , rhode_island
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 9:54 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Dear WF,

Just keep them apart. You don't always get what you want.

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

it's a crazy story. I don't know if you remember but I said my parents were planning a dinner for our famillies to meet. Well the dinner was two weeks ago. It started out okay. Everyone seemed to get along in the beginning or at least until the waiter came over for the drink order. Mother ordered a Cosmo which she always drinks. Derricks mother ordered Ice Tea she doesn't drink.

The waiter comes back to take our dinner orders, mother orders prime rib which she always does she says they can't mess up prime rib. Derrick's mother orders Salmon, she doesn't eat meat. Mother said she was planning to serve prime rib, filet mignon, and some kind of chicken dish at the reception, Derrick's mother asked about a fish dinner as I said she doesn't eat meat. Mother insisted chicken was not a meat therefore she could certainly eat it.

The next disagreement came when Derricks mother suggested a buffet instead of a seated dinner. She felt her family would feel more comfortable with something they are used to. Mother wouldn't hear of it.

Mother orders a bottle of wine to go with dinner. The food comes and so does the wine mother wants everyone to taste it because it is a wine she wants to serve during the cocktail hour. Derrick's mother again tells her she doesn't drink. Mother said you have to have at least one drink to toast the children. Derrick's mother asks for sparkling cider or grape juice for that purpose. Mother say no it will champagne or nothing.

This went on all night, If one made a suggestion the other shot her down immediately.

Daddy finally had enough and told mother to stop. Well, he shouldn't have done that she went ballistic. She accused him of taking sides against her. Her exact words were "How dare you take sides against me" I can't believe you would take the side of those people" This set Derrick's mother off. She didn't appreciate being referred to as "Those People"

The rest of the evening was spent with the two of them glaring at each other.

I was so happy when the check came. I have never wanted to get away from my mother so much in my life.
Daddy's Little Girl

october_2006 , april_2010 , rhode_island
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April2010Bride Posts : 134 Registered: 4/26/09
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 10:29 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

Whew!
Girl, your mom is quite a work of art, huh? :) No offense, but I can see how Derrick's mother would've been a little pissed at your mother's antics.

Maybe you should try to talk with your mother and get her to tone it down a little.

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Life is not about the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away.

 

 

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october_2006 , april_2010 , south_carolina , rhode_island
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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 11:09 PM Go to message in response to: April2010Bride

Agreed, SweetSC!! Wells, your post says that "they went at each other," but the only examples that you give are of your mother being impossibly rude. Chicken is not meat?! His mother has to drink a toast with alcohol when she doesn't drink "at all"? FH's mother's requests were totally reasonable. If I were she, I'd be pretty pissed, too. Your mother owes her, your father, (and everyone at that table) an apology.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

october_2006 , april_2010 , south_carolina , rhode_island
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CyclistLover Posts : 1,184 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 11:23 PM Go to message in response to: April2010Bride

It's nice when the wife and husband's families get a long BUT if they don't then hopefully they can at least be polite to each other when they have to be around each other.


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october_2006 , michigan , april_2010 , south_carolina , rhode_island
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 11:49 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

OP - Personally, once you gave more description, I would have been APPALLED by your mother's actions and can't blame HIS mother in the least. Your Mom was beyond rude.

 

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 1:13 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Agree with Pharm. You can't require someone who doesn't drink to drink. That's just rude. Or someone who doesn't eat meat to eat chicken. (Though in my book, fish is also meat, though I realize some people only think of red meat as "meat".)

Anyway, your mom was out of line. I would talk to her about it.

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 7:33 AM Go to message in response to: myra

Miss Myra,

My mother called my future mother in law an uncivilized retch, she also called her uncothed. she said they were not good enough to become members of her family. Derrick's mother called my mother a pretentious witch and said she couldn't understand how my father could possible put up with such a nasty B. She said she felt sorry for him for having put up with her for so long.

I know she was very rude she always is. She is when she is not getting her way, which she wasn't that night.

Daddy told her she owed Derrick's family an apology she refused to do it until Daddy threatened to take action against her. She hates when he takes her credit cards. She finally called to apologize but it was far from sincere. Derrick's mohter was kind enough to accept it anyway. She even suggested they go for coffee and see if they could work our their differences. So far mother continues to claim scheduling conflicts.

Derrick's mother is the bigger person and I am so glad of that. I really like her and since we are going to be family I want her to like me too. I don't want her to think I am like my mother. I'm not, or at least I try not to be.
Daddy's Little Girl

october_2006 , april_2010 , south_carolina , rhode_island
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 7:39 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

HappyGirl - Well, fish isn't mammal meat - that's how some people look at it. And I get that. The fact is, something should be offered for those who don't eat beef or chicken and if they are having 3 entrees, having a fish entree only makes sense.

OP - I can't really blame your FMIL AND I think it was very big of her to accept the insincere apology of your mother. Your family may benefit by having this woman in your family.

 

 

 

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 9:28 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Have you considered a Jerry Springer wedding?

Seriously though, if your mother cant behave at a simple dinner, how will she act at your wedding? If I were you, I dont know If I would want to take that chance. Maybe if you talk to her face to face, one on one, mother to daughter, and let her know that there will be consequences for her behavior. Tell her again how much you love this man and want a peaceful, civil wedding. Tell her you do not expect her to fall in love with Dericks mother, but you DO expect that she be respectful and nice to her. And if you feel that she may not be, you will perhaps start to consider other options -- such as a private ceremony with NO family, or worse; without her. Perhaps these gentle "threats" will get her to act accordingly, since she seems to only respond to being punished in some way.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for standup comedy clips,sketches,and more @ www.youtube.com/kelleyfunnylady

 

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"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

october_2006
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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Re: Our Mothers hate each other.
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 9:55 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I agree with Kelly and the other PP. I would just add that maybe you can phrase it to your mother as doing something nice for YOU, not for your FMIL. "Mother, it means a lot to me for this wedding to go smoothly, and for everyone to feel welcome. I know you don't like fiance's mother, and I'm not asking you to. But for my sake, can you please put on a show of being nice to her? Just for one day?"

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october_2006 , april_2010 , caribbean
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