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Wedding GIft Giving Rules

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 29, 2009 5:46 PM

Ok, so I am pulling this question from another message board I am on... when the subject of weddings came up.

There was some chic from NYC who claimed that (there in NY) one expects to make back most if not all of what you spent on the wedding in either cash or gifts.

That is, if you spend $200 per head, you expect back about $200 (give or take a bit) per attendee in cash or gifts. And when you are attending a wedding, you should find out the cost per plate and try to offer an amount back in that range, basically pay your own way.

WTF!!!!!

What happened to weddings as a celebration, not a money making event. What happened to inviting people because you wanted them there, not because they were going to fork over a wad of cash... what happened to the meaning of the word "GUEST."

Some people....

 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 29, 2009 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

Dear Jaime,

Yeah, that's crassy and grabby. Some people are like that.

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 29, 2009 7:11 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

There is no such "rule." People should spend what they can afford, and bridal couples should be considerate, if they register, selecting gifts at various price points, so that everyone can find a selection that is affordable. And how, exactly, would one find out "the cost per plate"? Phone the bridal couple or parents and say, "Please tell me exactly what you're spending on this wedding, so I know what kind of gift I'm required to give. Am I allowed to come if you're spending $1,000,000 on this wedding, and I can only afford a $200 gift? What if the cost per plate isn't too high, but you went crazy with your dress and flowers? Should I base my gift just on what you're feeding me, or do I have to chip in for the dress and bouquet, too? What about the round-the-world trip you're taking for your honeymoon? Do I have to pay for that, too?'

Obviously, this is ridiculous.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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BBGF Posts : 66 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 2:23 AM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

I am with you. What has happen to people wanting to share their special day with people who have played a significant role in their lives. How dare some body expect to use their guest as their own personal fundraising gig. It would be so tacky and personally I would not handle them as my clients. Myra brought up kind of a funny point how would you even find out the cost of the plate? Are they putting it on the invitations? If this is for real I feel sorry for their guest.

Let us showcase your unique style.

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 9:16 AM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

My friend who is from NYC actually said that to me - OK wait - what she said is when she goes to a wedding she tries to give a gift that is equivalent in value to the cost for her plate (She wasn't being bitchy, she was referring to my wedding - and I told her that I had never heard that 'rule of thumb' - and I know her, if she gets married she won't care about the gifts, she's a sweetheart.).

But my point is, I think that it might be an area thing.

 

 

 

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BeckiSou22 Posts : 65 Registered: 3/27/09
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

A friend of mine were talking one night and she was saying that she usually tries to give a gift for at least the amount of what it cost for her to be there....within reason, she was telling me that if she knew foor was $20-30, which is common around here, then she usually tries to give at least a $60 dollar gift (doubled because its a couple) I thought it made sense, but only to a certain extent, if someone decides to go extravagant and spend $100 a head... that's their choice


Another one I heard, someone told me once that a shower gift should be a minimum of $100....I thought that was a little pricey(considering the economy) but I dunno

new_york , august_2009
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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

I definitely think that IS a regional thing, because I have a friend from Long Island and she pretty much said the exact same thing. I don't think it's the brides being grabby--I think it's the people of that area manufacturing their own rules of etiquette, which is fine, but strange to the rest of us. I had NEVER heard of this until I talked to her one day, but rest assured, if I attend an expensive wedding I'm NOT taking a $200 plus gift to the bride's house. I figure if they can afford an expensive wedding, they don't need my money or gift that badly anyway!

may_2011 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008 , ohio
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: ChelsRae85

Ladies,

The only "rule" is that you give as nice a gift as you can afford, considering the circumstances of the newlyweds and your relationship with them.

A struggling, perma-poor college student might give a plateful of homemade brownies. That's a wonderful gift, considering the pressures on time (none) and money (none) of the typical self-supporting college student.

A comfortable, established two-income married couple might give something from the high end of the couple's registry. Last year I gave one couple a TomTom GPS device, and another couple a sewing machine off their registry, plus high quality dressmaking shears and thread snippers. Both were young and just starting out.

On the other hand, when a "older" widower married an "older" window, I gave them matching Christmas stockings, embroidered by me with their names. That was a perfect gift, as they had no need for any "stuff". A sentimental, low cost, gift was great in their case.

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 6:06 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

PTG - I think its regional too, but that is some whacked out rule in my book just the same! I was chatting more and apparently there are people who won't go if they can't afford to pay for their plate! That is just messed up to me, to THINK that you wouldn't be as welcome because you can't pay your way.

Also, I believe the girl said you try to ask relatives how much it was per plate. Or sometimes the vendor has approximate price lists online or something. But still, why the hell should the guest be worried about that? Does NOT make sense to me!

I guess the real kicker that made me post this was when she said that couple don't expect to take a big $$$ loss from the wedding.... maybe a small one, but in some way they expect to make most of their money back! I guess some people just got used to this "custom" and now feel entitled to that same kind of gift getting.

 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 9:16 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

Dear Mrs JLA,

Let's assume that I am invited to such a wedding, where the couple expects a minimal gift value from each guest. Let's further assume I do not meet that minimum, for whatever reason. I am of low income, I have unusually high bills at that point in my life, whatever.

What's going to happen? Will the newlywed couple feel that I did not contribute my share? Will they cool our friendship? Will they hang around with givers of more expensive gifts?

If so, then what have I lost? The so-called friendship of people who do not appreciate that I might have done the best I could? Am I supposed to apologize to them?

Personally, I think I'm doing myself a favor by losing them as friends. Better that I become friends with people who don't think in terms of dollar signs, and who appreciate whatever I am able to give them as a wedding present.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

MrsJLA - Yes, the sense of entitlement is not OK. I agree with you 100%. It boggles my mind.

I couldn't care less who brought a gift to our wedding - I was annoyed with the people who couldn't be bothered to RSVP. LOL

 

 

 

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 30, 2009 10:48 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I have heard that too and I thought that was the rule of thumb LOL I am from WI but live in TX and i think i heard that down here in TX.

I NEVER expected that at my wedding and i have only been to 1 wedding in my adult life.

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

CEO of E.N.E.M.A. (Enemy Negotiations & Extraction Military Agency) A special Division of P.O.O.P. (People Offended by Offended People)

When POOP can't do it alone....they call for the ENEMA.

may_2009 , texas
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 31, 2009 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

I've never heard of a guest trying to base the cost of their gift on the cost per person of the wedding, but I've heard of brides and grooms (or their parents) thinking that they'd basically 'make their money back' on gifts.

Come to think of it, two couples sent us additional gifts after our wedding - I wonder whether this is what that was all about? One couple (an older couple - parents of a close friend) sent us a nice gift before the wedding (probably about $60) and then sent us a $100 check about a month after the wedding. Another couple (young couple) gave us a nice gift at the wedding (about $60) and then sent another gift (probably about $50) afterwards. I thought both of those situations were strange at the time, but maybe this is what they were all about.

Anyway, I totally don't get this. If you expect to make your money back in gifts, why bother having the wedding? Why not just buy yourself a bunch of stuff and save yourself the trouble of planning a wedding?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

may_2009 , texas
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amlewis83 Posts : 22 Registered: 5/11/09
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 31, 2009 9:48 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

I was taught this "rule" and have followed it for every wedding I went too but added a little more when it was family. Maybe it is a Ny thing? But I always thouht it was rue of thumb.

upstate_hudson_valley , june_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Wedding GIft Giving Rules
Posted: May 31, 2009 11:11 PM Go to message in response to: amlewis83

I always give my gifts based on the couple and my relationship to them. If it is a close friend or family member I will be a little more generous than if it were and coworker or an aquintance.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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