I don't even know what to title this...

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: MrsM2009

Oh lord...

Everyone has clearly misunderstood the situation and obviously has their own opinions based on their own experiences. I'm fine with that. I talked to FH last night about the responses here and this is basically the gist of what he said....

"I don't feel that you over reacted and I understand why you felt the way you did. I feel I was in the wrong for not coming to you with my feelings. I don't think masterbation is a necessity when you are having sex, if you still have to masterbate and you are having sex there is a problem in my opinion, but if you aren't having sex I can see a reason for it. I'm happy with how we have handled the situation and talked things out"

FH and I are VERY open with each other even sexually. We've had a great sex life in the past and when we do have sex we enjoy it together. Our challenge in the beginning was his lack of experience, I didn't enter our relationship lacking experience and I've kind of guided him along and given him ideas. We have no problem what so ever openly discussing our feelings about sex and what we want out of it and what we like or dislike. That is definitely not the issue. He agreed in our discussion last night that we aren't shy about anything with each other. He's not sure why he didn't tell me how he was feeling as it wasn't an embarassment issue.

I don't have a problem with masterbation, I will say that again. My biggest problem was the lack of communication and it wasn't even a huge deal. Neither FH or I feel it was a big deal. I didn't get pissed or angry or yell at FH. We calmly talked about what had happened, let each other know how we felt and moved on. We were laughing and joking about it on the way home from work last night which just goes to show you how big of a deal it really was, and when we got home we snuggled on the couch and later made love (yes you are reading that right).

Again my intention was to talk about my feelings, obviously some people have misinterpreted my feelings and possibly I didn't portray how things really are, but you know sometimes you just want to talk about something with people other then your significant other and that was my only intention. This wasn't supposed to turn into some pissing fest where people think I'm some psychotic piece of shit FW to my FH and flipped out and over reacted. That's not how it was in the slightest.

___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

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JCBeaver76 Posts : 11 Registered: 2/27/09
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

Wow! There are alot of replies to this thread. I thought I would inject a male's opinion.

Many have said it, men touch themselves, it's a fact of life. Even if you didn't think he was that sexual when you first met. For alot of guys we've been trained that what we are doing is wrong and immoral (certainly depends on your religious upbringing). So we tend to deny that we like to "take matters into our own hands."

I masturbate, I can admit that. But since my FW and I moved in together, not nearly as much. But I still do it. I certainly don't advertise it, but I don't deny it either. That's just me.

What can I say I've been doing it for the better part of 2 decades, I'm good at it.

So what it all boils down to, is I think you might be overreacting a little bit. This is a little white lie, don't tell me you tell him the truth about everything all the time.

To not trust someone just because he plays with himself is just slightly on the asinine side. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but if he was self-conscious about masterbating before (to the point where he wasn't 100% truthful), he's only going to be worse now.



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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: JCBeaver76

JCBeaver - Please read my response above yours if you haven't already. This has not caused a distrust between us.

All men and woman are different, and therefore there are going to be exceptions to the "majority" belief.

___________________________________

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009



Edited by: 2009ToBeMrsV on May 27, 2009 6:03 PM

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

Masturbate. M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-E. Masturbate.

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

whatever

___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

Ah, ya, she's TRYING to teach you how to spell.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

Good God you're confusing. Your first post says this:
"He really has to work to regain that little bit of trust in him that he just took away by lieing to me about something so stupid. :o( It just doesn't help my state of mind right now"

And now you're telling Mr Beaver that this encounter did not cause any distrust between you two.

What?? Which is it?


You BOTH are very naive if you think that you won't masturbate if you have a healthy sex life. That's like saying all the men out there who masturbate do not have healthy sex lives. NAIVE!


Member and Co-Founder of POOP:   "People Offended by Offended People"

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:30 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

One might think if it's worth typing, it's worth spelling correctly.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

CaribbeanBride - Or women who masturbate.

Might as well keep it an even playing field.

 

 

 

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:45 PM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

When I originally posted it was early in the morning and shortly after the entire incident, I didn't really have entirely a clear mind at the time. Now that things have settled and I've had more time to think about it and discuss more with FH my feelings are as I have recently stated.

I'm glad everyone here is so perfect that they'd never be a little flustered with their initial feelings before coming to their senses and having a clearer thoughts.

I'm also glad that everyone here is so quick to judge and jump to claiming someone is "naive" for simply having a different outlook on things. We are individuals, remember that, and what comes with individualism comes different views and opinions, and what comes with that is occasionally someone that steps out of the boundaries of what society's "majority" belief might be. Does that make an individual naive? I think not. What's naive is believing the majority must always be right.

What I thought was a more supportive and understanding environment with woman (and some men) of all walks of life with different experiences to share actually seems to be a harsh and judgemental one. I have more respect and understanding for people than to go around telling them they need to "get over it" when they just want to talk about certain feelings about something even when I don't entirely agree, and I have more respect and understanding for people than to tell them how naive I think they are just because I can't accept a differing opinion.

For the people who have tried to be understanding and respectful I appreciate your input. For those that really just wanted to jump on my case and misinterpret my entire situation I'll be sure to let you know you should "get over it" next time you post personal feelings about a situation in your life.

___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

So, thanks to those who agree with you?

I remember the posts on spending and the making money ideas. I remember that you want to change your fiance into someone who will support this spending.

I can tell you, I wouldn't do it for my husband, and would not expect him to with me.

I wonder if your fiance has to hide everything about him? Your tone comes across as extraordinarily judgmental (there is NO extra e in that word, by the way) and condescending. Kind of like you are trying to "parent" him.

Because you suffer from "depression" I will stop here. Good luck to your fiance.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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FinallyMrsF Posts : 285 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

MrsV- if you didn't want to hear(read) what people had to say, you could have stopped coming in and replying to thier posts and eventually the thread would disappear. But no you kept coming back and trying to defend your original post. Just an FYI- males start fondling themselves in infancy. If a guy didn't touch himself I'd be inclined to think something was wrong

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Masturbation! masturbation! masturbation!
Posted: May 27, 2009 8:37 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

Thank god for male masturbation! Otherwise I'd have to have sex all the time. And who needs that? I've got stuff to do.

Haven't read all 71 replies to this thread, so I'm kind of taking a stab in the dark here. . .

Look, I thought of a title :-)

Men masturbate. Not even because they want to have sex. Sometimes they are just bored. Sometimes they are just tense and don't want to go through the hassle of foreplay. Either way, male masturbation has nothing to do with his feelings for you. You're going to have to accept that, or else you'll always have problems.

As for the lying thing. . .it was easier than telling the truth. I know, I know, that's normally a lousy excuse for lying. But given your reaction, can you really blame him? If he told you, you'd probably want him to stop.

And he's not going to stop. Men masturbate, for one reason and one reason only.

Because they can.

And as long as he can, he will. No matter what he's telling you. So I vote, quit asking him to lie. Just stop asking him at all. After all, we've already determined that you won't like the answer.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 9:15 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Not everyone who had supportive words fully agree's with my initial feelings. What I don't understand is the blatant rudeness from some people that I seem to be getting because people think I over reacted, am being naive, and should get over it. I am not a judgemental or naive person and of course I am going to defend myself when I feel like people are misunderstanding my FH and I's relationship. It seems like a lot of others were quick to "judge" my situation and the way I felt before even attempting to understand the situation as a whole. People are quick to jump to conclusions.

I was accused of having a tone early on, but even FH said to me last night "I don't understand how people interpret a tone in a text format". It is very easy to misinterpret someones intent by how you read what is written.

As far as "spending money" and trying to change my FH into someone who supports "spending", I am not clear where you have drawn this conclusion from. I expressed to FH my desire to go to cosmetology school to get into a career that I would love and enjoy as I currently hate what I am doing (it's the biggest contributor to my emotional state at this point). I have only started on one other potential career path and that goes hand in hand with cosmetology. FH's response to me was a negative one in saying "every week you have a different idea and it all involves money". It was one of those "I didn't think before speaking" types of responses that really didn't hold any fact. FH has recognized that he has a tendency to be negative about a lot of things lately and feels that is something he can and wants to improve on. I suggested my cognitive behavioral therapy group class to him as they go over the topic of negative thoughts and learning how to be more aware of them and change them into positives and he felt it could be beneficial to him.

No one in this world is perfect, there will be times we can improve on who we are and there is nothing wrong with that. FH and I want to enter our marriage happy with ourselves and healthy in our relationship. We always openly discuss how we feel about things and sometimes we don't always see eye to eye but we find ways to make compromises to suite each others needs. He doesn't feel I've ever tried to change who he is, I love who he is and he knows that. Everything in our relationship is 50/50 and we work as a team and a damn good team at that.

This is exactly why I feel people have misunderstood and I recognize that I may not have portrayed things in the light of how they really are in my original post. I can tend to be sensitive and emotional at times and that is something I am working on. I recognize my flaws and the areas I need to improve and am taking steps towards a happier me. I've been through a lot of crap throughout my life and I won't use that as an excuse for anything, it has simply shaped who I am today and left some dust that still needs to be settled.

I will tell you this, I pretty much grew up without a mother. My father got custody of my when I was 10 years old and years prior to that only bring up a far less than even somewhat of an ideal childhood. I had to cook for myself, bath myself, dress myself, etc... as a small child in elementary school. Most days my mom spent strung out on drugs on the living room couch and I was left to fend for myself. You've not seen a kid truly yell and cry with anger until you saw me as a child. I'd ask my mom for something to eat only for her response to be to "fix it yourself", I'd beg and plead with her to see my Dad and her response would be "it's not his weekend, you have to wait!". She'd leave me for hours unattended while she was locked in a room at her drug dealer friends house in a really shady part of town, I could have a 100 degree fever sick out of my mind and she'd leave me on their couch in their living room the entire night without ever checking on me. Mind you us kids weren't even allowed to knock on the door to this room. My father saved me and I am forever thankful for him. Had he not stepped in (believe me he tried earlier) who knows where I'd be. My mother told the court "I'll live my life however I want to" and that she did. She's not been part of my life for 9 years! The years following the custody change she only came around a few times a year if even that before never coming around again after my 18th birthday. She's a junky and homeless at that. She put me through hell and back. She only showed up on my 18th birthday becaus she knew I was receiving a settlement from a car accident I was in when I was 16 in which my best friend was killed in. I told her I was staying with my Dad and going to college and that was it for her.

My childhood and the accident piled on top of it sent me into a crazy low depression at some points I considered the possibility of ending my life. I was a hermit in my bedroom closing myself off to the world and my Dad. I finally went to counseling and was able to pick myself back up and get my life in order. Until I ended up in a 2.5 year long abusive relationship. For a year following the final break up of that relationship I felt worthless trying to piece together the puzzle of my life again and had men telling me I wasn't good enough for them. I ended up moving to Georgia for a guy I had met on the internet, mostly because I wanted a change of scenery. He wasn't worth my time but I wouldn't trade that move for the world. I was able to get out on my own and live by myself and made some amazing friends in the process. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to support myself anymore and decided it was time to come back to California and be close to my family again. I moved in with an old high school friend and her boyfriend and once again tried to rebuild the puzzle of my life and get settled in. I met a guy who shortly after forced me into doing something I didn't want and I won't go into much more detail than that.

I finally met my FH trough a co-worker on a temp assignment who said to me one day at lunch "There is a guy who works with my husband that you'd be perfect for". I barely knew this girl and was very skeptical. I had been single for 1.5 years by choice and had vowed I'd never get involved with another man unless I knew he could be "the one". Needless to say FH was everything I ever wanted and needed in a man and meeting him has changed my life in so many wonderful ways. The 2 years we've been together has been a roller coaster, we've had our good times and bad and we always prevail. We just bought our first house last October and feel so blessed for the things we have in life. But sometimes it's hard to see through the dust that hasn't settled to fully enjoy what's right in front of you. There are so many times I could have given up on life but I've fought hard to get where I am today and I will keep fighting for my life and for better days and I'm more than greatful to have an amazing man at my side to fight with me.

___________________________________

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009



Edited by: 2009ToBeMrsV on May 27, 2009 9:24 PM

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: I don't even know what to title this...
Posted: May 27, 2009 9:54 PM Go to message in response to: 2009ToBeMrsV

I'm not going to reply beyond this.

Lots of people ahve grown up in abusive and awful childhoods, I'm one of them as was my brother, only we didn't get rescued.

Lots of people also have been in abusive marriages, and I was one of them. I finally left after 16 years.

I don't use either of those things to excuse condescending and controlling behaviors. Of course your FH tells you taht, he loves you and wants your approval and if he doesn't agree with you he doesn't get it (based on your posts at least)

The spending thing, he agreed with you, big deal. I wouldn't ahve. I would not agree to something like that without serious planning, serious effort and long term goals. Your post didn't show any of that.

It really doesn't matter to me, you can tell yourself whatever you want. You overreacted in a major, major way (silent treatment stuff, etc) and by your posts it is obvious that you do not approve. Your FH knows this, and he is trying to spare your feelings and notmake things worse.

Live as you choose, honestly it matters not at all to me. But, your excuses don't either. Everyone has a past; at some point we have to get on with our lives put on our big girl panties and grow up. I find I'm much happier that way.

If you don't ahve sex for months at a time, why do you care if he masturbates?? It should be a relief to you. I ahve to say, my marriage would definitely not work if we didn't ahve sex for months. It just wouldn't. Your FH is a pretty, amazingly, understanding and supportive man and I think you owe him a HUGE MASSIVE apology.

But I'm equally sure you'll not give him one; he will give you one.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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